NOTES:

Rating: PG-13. Kaoru + Shinji implied.

This story is basically seen from Kaoru''s vantage point. I just love that boy! This can be considered a spoiler!

They Made A Mistake With Me

Can I really accomplish what I have set out to do? My destiny, as it were? No one ever told me who I really was. I just always knew. I guess I am lucky. There are many children out there who have no clue what their purpose in life is, even with the guidance of parents, and Shinji Ikari is one of them.

Shinji. The third child, the child who holds the key to everything.

I am supposed to kill him. I''m supposed to find Adam, and kill whoever gets in my way. And that would include Shinji.

But I am weak. I do not want to kill Shinji. I do not want to join with Adam. Yes, I am pulled to do so, like a moth to a flame. Adam is here, in this building made of metal and defended by creatures I understand all too well, in Nerv, and I know I could end my struggles once and for all if I just went to him, reached up and touched him…… The idea itself is intoxicating. It takes all of my energy to ignore it. But for Shinji, it is worth it.

And why such fuss over a human boy? I myself cannot really understand it. I am drawn to him just as much as I drawn to Adam. That Langely girl would never admit it, but she thinks he is ""pretty for a boy."" That isn''t it. I don''t regard people that way. I am an Angel. I have heard that they are flawless, yet emotionless and genderless creatures. If I was the ""ideal angel,"" the one destined to reach Adam, that would be me. Unlike my counterparts--who really don''t think of much at all, only of how to get to Adam--I do not think myself flawless, or devoid of emotion. And I certainly have a gender. The fact that I am built this way, that I think this way, is contradictory to everything the Angels are trying to do. Am I a mere spy, sent to gain the humans'' trust because I appear to be one of them?

Well, they might have considered a different appearance; looking like a vampire isn''t exactly a good way to earn one''s trust.

They should have rooted out any emotion I have. Because of it, I can''t fulfill my destiny. I know that now. I can''t kill Shinji Ikari. Again, why? It isn''t physical love. Although I suppose if he wanted me that way, I would oblige. And I wouldn''t mind a bit.

He''s a little, lost lamb. So desperately needing an emotional attachment to someone, and never finding it. So confused, so wanting. So hurting. I half pity him. The other half is in wonder that the fate of mankind rests on his shoulders. There is a purity within him, no matter what thoughts may be racing through his head or what Angel may be playing with his mind. There is an inner strength to him. He will protect those he loves--even if they are entirely undeserving of his affections--with a rage that rivals that of an angry god.

He is my personal Jesus. I''ve never admitted it, never dwelled upon it this long. But that''s it. That''s why I went out of my way when I first met him to show him how much I liked him. I felt even then that he needed some stability, someone to talk to, someone who would love him back.

He completes me. He is human where I am not.

One Angel will reach Adam eventually. If not me, then probably the one the older Ikari--that despicable man--has caged here. I feel bad for Rei. She is a mere replica of herself. But she is closer than I am to the true definition of Angel. She is very nearly devoid of emotion, and I doubt that it bothers her. But like me, what a *terrible* disguise!

I will let her bring Armageddon in the front door. It will not be me. It was my destiny, but if I do not succeed, she will step up. And I cannot stop her. If I killed her, which I do not want to do in any case, they would pop another replica out. The third impact is coming, but I won''t be held responsible. I don''t want to kill anyone. Especially not the chosen one. Not Shinji Ikari.

I hope I throw a big kink in the plans of the Angels.

Boy, they made a mistake with me, all right.

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