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Maybe it was fate and sometimes I felt that it was a mistake, for I had never believed in something like destiny...
This was the way I had felt about being with Yuki.
I curled up into a ball on the park bench. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't this time. "It's more than a fight with Yuki..." I trailed off. I think this was yet another thing I had to figure out for myself. It took me a while to realize things this way, but no one would teach me if I didn't do it by myself. It was like the time I had learned to sing. I didn't know why or how good I was, but that's what I wanted to do. I liked doing it and there was no one going to tell me not to. Hiro never complained to me once about it. I've never heard him tell me 'don't do it'. Maybe my stupidity was something he took care of whenever I felt depressed, but he was my best friend. And with that title, he never let me down... As for Yuki... I don't know. Yuki was someone I had to get used to. He was someone whose wants and needs were so random that I got confused as the emotions I felt. My moods were sometimes dominated by him and how he felt towards me. I think it's like the first time I met him. Not really knowing who or what he was, I wanted his approval. The lyrics he had disregarded with none so much as some sympathy or mercy, he had smashed them under his foot. He might as well as have done that instead of telling me what he did. When I look at Yuki, I don't really know what he wants. One minute he can put up with me talking a million miles per minute, the other, he wants me to shut up. Yuki, of course, has his good points, but with the way I felt, it was like blurry vision. The good was mixed with the bad and I was swimming through everything in between. Maybe I ask too much from him. Maybe wanting to be near him is too much to have. Yeah, so I blocked his car that time just to get his attention... ...but knowing me, I would do anything possible for him just to look at me again... ...the one he had said had no talent. Then, I half covered my face with my hand and began to laugh a bit. "It's just like this. My feelings are like a little kid's." My language in a song is how I feel about everything, especially about love. Because I didn't know anything, I expressed it to the best of my ability. Even if it was through childish grammer. I don't know why I like him so much. I really don't. And it's more than him being handsome... So what if I fell in love with him at first sight? So what if I wanted to help him without strings attached? He has this aura that's so seductive and charming through the frigid air. But through these cold eyes, I look at myself so dimly. Sometimes I wish I were a girl, but that shouldn't matter right? A person's feelings can't be associated with a gender, should they? That's a stupid question, but it's something I sometimes needed to know. Again, I began to sob. I didn't know where my thinking was heading to, but I know that being confused about it wasn't helping either. "Yuki..." Maybe I should have- "Shuichi." I looked up to find Hiro in front of me. He put his hand on my shoulder and scruffed my hair. "What're you crying for?" I don't know why, but being the crybaby I am, I hugged him and cried more. "Baka Hiro..." Half in a joke, he retorted, "I come back here to be called stupid. Great." Softly, I pounded on his chest. "Stupid Hiro..."
Why are you here? What made you come back? I don't want you here...I want Yuki. Give me Yuki, Fate. Why didn't you give me Yuki?! I want to scream at Yuki himself for not being here in the first place! But I would eventually find out the answers to my questions, as always... I never believed in destiny, but it seemed to care about me.
Just then, I stopped to look at Hiro, who was now hugging me and seriously stopped with the jokes knowing that that method wouldn't work this time to distract me.
Hiro wouldn't ever let me down...
At this very thought, I cried even harder.
10:37 PM 6/18/2001
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