Yui Miyamoto 
Author
Pairing
Rating
Subject
Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei's not mine. And "Stay Away" is by L'arc en
Ciel.Naritai (I want to become)
Chapter 6 -
Understanding.
I stared at Muraki as he was engulfed by the
darkness.
"You can't." I mumbled.
I can't believe my hand is
reaching out for him. After what he had done to me right now and I had let
him.
I watched you kiss me.
Grab.
Muraki did not turn
around as he warned, "Let go of me, Tsuzuki."
He's. He's the same as me
in some way. I can feel it.
"Look at us. You have become someone inhuman.
And I want to become human." I laughed at our faults. "Isn't that funny, Muraki?
Isn't it as twisted sick as your mind?"
I then turned him around and
grabbed his collar as he let me pound his back upon a wall in the alleyway. "You
think you can pick who lives and who dies? Even if that child's parents were
first cousins!"
"He would have to live with a stain all his life that
wasn't made by him," he answered with his eyes like slits.
"But who are
you to kill him?!" I shouted as my hands trembled. I then shook my head. "You
don't know.you don't know anything."
"You know why I let you have your
way with me?" I asked loudly.
I wanted to find this answer
myself.
"I wanted to know if you really cared for anything."
He
just looked at me unmoved.
"And you do." I clenched his jacket until my
fingers bled from pressing my fingernails into my skin. "You pushed me away
because you were scared that I would know."
Silence.
"This.this is
how you kiss someone." I pulled his hair and kissed him on the mouth with full
force and just as passionately as I had with Hisoka but not as
lovingly.
He stared at me alarmed. "Tsuzuki."
Even he can be
surprised. He must really-
"Wakatta," he said as I let him go. "You win
for today, Tsuzuki."
He then walked off once more as I stood there
watching him.
I don't know why I did that. But I knew that only we
understood what that meant. Something beyond words. It wasn't love or
obsession.
I thought I would kiss someone who was just a shell. But I was
just as surprised to find that his cold body held warm lips.
He.had hope
yet.
I then left even more distressed than ever and walked home
quickly.
I wanted to lie in my bed for a while. I didn't even feel like
eating.
Then, I saw something on the ground and picked it up. It was a
green jade piece. "Hisoka. It's like his eyes."
Hisoka. I didn't mean to
betray you.
You always try so hard to make me happy and I try to do the
same. But I feel like I just cause you more pain. The more we get close, I try
to push you away.
You even let me touch you and caress your body while I
was trying to find an answer to why you cared so much for me.
It was then
that I realized how far you would let me go.
You would let me do
anything. Except die.
And I looked away in shame as I dressed back up
while you continued to sit on the desk after putting on your clothes. You stared
at me with such sad eyes and I couldn't take it.
"Causes stain.stay
away," I had sung softly as I dressed.
"You shouldn't care so much for
me," I mumbled to him after I had finished.
"I can't help it," he
answered. "You cared about me. Even though you didn't know me, you came to
rescue me from Muraki. I never forgot that."
He held my hand with both of
his. "I'm just telling you that you can come to me too."
My eyes closed
painfully. He let go and I left the room.
"Maybe happy. Maybe happy. I
dare say I'm happy," I sang softly with a heavy heart.
I was running away
from him. It's because I love you, Hisoka.
I'll hurt you too if you stay
with me.
Just like with the children a long time ago. They said I was a
blemish to the community. And I wondered why. I always thought about that while
I was trying to get away.
Doki doki doki.
I slit my wrists, but my
body wouldn't let me die.
And still, I wandered around Japan with no
purpose. I was angered and disappointed with the fact of why I had to live if no
one wanted me at all.
Then. I met Tatsumi.
Someone had died before
I could save them. They were burned to ashes even though they were calling out
to me.
It was all my fault. I didn't get there in time.
I tried to
slit my wrists again and I went insane. I laughed so much to take the pain away
from me. "Please kill me," I had prayed. "No more. I don't want this
anymore."
In that abandoned warehouse, I was smiling at the reality of it
all.
And I wanted to end it. To even try to see if my perfect body would
at last be mortal.
It is a burden to live. There are happy moments, but
when you know you have the possibility of living forever, what's the
point?
"Tsuzuki!!! TSUZUKI!!!!!!!!" I had never heard Tsuzuki scream so
loud in his whole life as I saw him run towards me in the flames with his hands
out to me. I was fading to unconsciousness as my eyes closed and he was coming
closer and closer.
"We have to break up," he said shortly after this
incident.
And I hated him for it. He pushed me away when I finally
started to show some affection and wanted to trust someone.
But I can't
help but love him. He saved my life.
"Do you think I did the right
thing?" he had asked me once after Hisoka had saved me from Suzaku's
flames.
It was then that my annoyance and pain vanished. I realized how
much he had cared all long. We were the same. We pushed people that cared for us
away.
I looked up to the moon. "Please.someone tell me what to
do."
Where did I come from? And where am I going?
A shinigami is a
death angel. A human is someone with a compassionate heart and understands
humanity in general.
I am neither. And yet I am torn by both.
I
don't know what I want though. I'm always going to wander around not knowing
what to do. I don't understand myself, what I am, and what I'll become if I keep
this up.
The more things I find, the more lost I become.
But I
want to continue to understand. And I want someone to understand me.
To
truly accept me without me being scared to let them know who and what I really
am.
It was then that I looked at the green jade in my hand. All I have is
hope.
I turned around to find Hisoka in back of me. We stared at each
other in surprise.
"Hisoka." I smiled wistfully. I then grabbed him and
embraced him. "I'm sorry I ran away again."
Plop. His brown grocery bag
fell to the floor.
"It's all right. You know I understand." He hugged me
back and I could feel him smiling with his monotonous tone. "You know I am going
to get you back."
My eyes closed as I placed my head on his shoulder. For
the first time in my life, I feel like something has been lifted from
me.
My guilt for being what and who I am is starting to melt and fade
away.
"I will hurt you if you stay with me, Hisoka." I said almost unable
to say my words.
In endearment, he answered firmly, "I don't
care."
End.
--
Author's final notes: Okay, so that was
REALLY ooc. But I thought it was very thought provoking so that's why I made
this chapter. And it was sweet in some sadistic way.
I guess this is
really a personal achievement. Eight fics in two days!!! I'm so happy! _And_
I've finished this fic within a day and a half. ^_^v
I would have started
with Hisoka, but then I thought that Tsuzuki is the thread that weaves
everything together, so I thought it would better to focus there. Yes, there is
nothing really resolved, but I did that on purpose. I myself am troubled if I
want Tsuzuki with Tatsumi or with Hisoka. I love both and would be happy if
either got him. But as one reader said, "But I hate triangles!" Yes, they do
make someone sad, but that's life. * sighs * What can we do? I named the
chapters after a prayer that I say every night. "Faith, hope, charity, love and
understanding." I thought this would be a nice feel since they are shinigami.
The Angels of death tortured. And I picked certain people for specific chapters.
But I loved the feel of how they all went together. Plus, I wanted it as 6 for
evilness, yet imperfection. Yeah, I know. I think too much. And Akane, I
couldn't find your e-mail so I wanted to personally thank you. I was happy when
you said I inspired you to make fanart. ^_~ And thanks to you K-chan for
pointing out my error! ^_^v
Again, I love love love Hisoka!!!!! His green
eyes drive me nuts just like Subaru's!!!!
Thank you for reading! Love,
yui
8/3/02
Yui Miyamoto
Author
Pairing
Rating
Subject
