Yui Miyamoto 
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Disclaimer: Fruits Basket isn’t mine.Music Without Words
Chapter 6 – Hounto no iro. (Real color.)
That’s how
we spent our days. We’d meet for lunch and sometimes, even though it was awkward
for both of them, we all had lunch on the roof or grass together. Tohru and Yuki
continued to pretend towards everyone else that there was nothing
wrong.
That everything was the same as always, but because I knew, I
could see through everything.
Well, for myself, I hope they didn’t notice
how I was feeling. I hoped that my silence meant the same to
them.
Everyday, though, when I looked at my calendar, the thought of
death would encompass me and block out everything I needed or wanted to do for a
large amount of time. Sometimes, I would do my homework and just completely
stop. There were other times that I looked at the sky and wonder what the hell I
was doing.
Was I truly this strong?
Or was I making it out that I
was stronger than I really was deep inside?
I shook my head each time and
said, “No, this is what you chose. You stand by it, Haru.”
Then each
time, by the next day, I would glance at Yuki. Kind and tender-hearted Yuki’s
face would give me a small smile and I would forget what fear was.
Maybe
it was idiotic, but that was his effect on me even though I would never show how
I truly felt outside of the constraints of my mind.
Nonetheless, they
were two good weeks that vanished before I had known it.
But I knew it
wouldn’t last much longer, especially without telling Momiji the details of what
was to come. I just told him my punishment was the scar over my heart.
He
got upset that I had been hurt in the first place, but he didn’t say anything
else to make me feel more uncomfortable than I already felt. He also was
suspicious that I had been let go so easily.
I just kept silent and
listened to him without giving him any hints.
Well, I _did_ tell him what
the cause was, but not all the facts or all the minor details. I told him that I
was with Yuki on that rainy night, but I didn’t say anything else. I couldn’t
possibly tell him we slept together or about Tohru.
That was getting too
personal. It wouldn’t have mattered so much if it weren’t for the fact that
facing Yuki or talking about this ‘punishment’ without telling its true horror
was very difficult for me. Let alone express to anyone, even Momiji, how I _was_
a little jealous of Tohru because she was the one who could do all the things I
couldn’t for Yuki.
And even if I could do the same things for Yuki, they
wouldn’t mean the same to him. It hurt to say the least.
But as always, I
was quiet. I would just endure it.
Until this day, I couldn’t figure out
how I even had the courage to tell Yuki anything at all.
So, by the
third week, we kept on visiting Shigure’s house every single day to make Momiji
happy. But as soon as we came there during mid-week, Shigure laughed while
scuffing at my hair saying, “I have to have a talk with you two taking some of
my portion of Tohru-chan’s wonderful cooking!”
The next day, which was
Wednesday, I thought he was trying to avoid his editor when he told me, “Hide
me.”
But it was quite the opposite. He was taking me out to the forest
alone to talk with me.
As he sat on a log, he looked at the ground. “I
know you and Yuki have seen Akito. And all I want to know are…”
Jokingly,
he tapped my shoulder, “Details! I need material for my new novel with shounen
ai in it!”
“Geh,” I fell to one side and hit my head on the log.
Hard.
“Seriously,” he told me, “Haru, what’s going on? Even Akito’s
laughing at this situation and all he’s telling me is that you have asked to
have Yuki.”
“Huh?” I looked at him with a confused face. I was also
thinking how manipulative Akito was to phrase it in this manner. “What do you
mean by ‘have Yuki’?”
“To have your relationship accepted by him as in,
heading towards marriage?”
Then, he joked again while patting my back
gingerly, “But two guys can’t get married and they can’t have children! How are
the two signs of the zodiac gonna be without the cow and the rat? Ever wonder
about those future animal-less people out there? I mean Kyo’s already having a
hard time coming in as a member as it is! Then there are people like Tohru-chan
who _want_ to be the nonexistent year of the cat! You have to think about these
things!”
I blinked at him and looked down to the ground. How was I going
to phrase this? It came out like this: “I told Yuki exactly how I felt about him
even though I knew he didn’t feel the same way about me.”
Because of the
hesitation in my voice, I could tell he got something. As to what, I didn’t know
what he understood, but by the perturbed and confused look on his face, I could
tell he was thinking something along the lines of what I was trying to tell him
silently.
I kind of hope he wouldn’t. He had such an active imagination
to say the least. I mean, c’mon, he’s a writer. You have to be pretty deranged
to always think of something to write. * sweatdrop *
It was now Shigure’s
turn to blink at me in surprise. “Oh…my.”
Then, he took a firm grip of my
shoulder. “Does Momiji know?”
I shook my head.
He raised one
eyebrow. “Are you going to tell him?”
“When it’s time,” I said, still
thinking how I would tell him before ‘the day’.
“But Yuki. How does Yuki
feel about all this? I knew he was depressed over Tohru, but I didn’t even know
about you two.”
I shook my head. “Everyone misunderstands. We’re not
together.”
My heart ached at that moment while admitting that
truth.
“Then why is Akito saying you’re going to be punished at the end
of this month?” He looked at me so seriously that I almost thought it was
someone else that I was talking to and not him at all.
Looking at the
ground, I shook my head with a sad smile. “Because I don’t want Yuki to love me
in return.”
“This doesn’t make sense at all.” His eyes became swirls, but
when he looked back at me deeply, he told me, “Something’s happening is there? I
know there is because Hatori won’t even tell me anything.”
I felt like I
was going to fall deeper and deeper into despair with this conversation because
when he said that, I felt so bad about not telling him anything. But then again,
I couldn’t.
So, I remained silent for a few minutes without an answer to
give him.
“If Yuki falls in love with me, he’ll have to deal with living
with Akito all his life. He’d lose his mind that way. I don’t want that. Hell,
I’m already losing mine.”
“What does that have to do with you, though?”
Silence.
“You are losing your mind, I’d have to agree.” He then
cleared his throat.
“Yeah…” I leaned forward.
“What are _you_
afraid of, Haru?” He poked my heart and I cringed a bit.
“I’m sorry…” he
told me as I pulled on my shirt to show him.
His face became pale as if
he wanted to apologize to me. As if he was responsible for hurting me.
I
couldn’t tell him, “I don’t feel I’m worthy yet of Yuki’s love. This is the only
way I can protect him.”
Instead, I answered, “The agreement is that he’ll
leave Yuki alone if he doesn’t.”
At that moment, he let go of my
shoulder. “What do you get in return for this?”
“I get to
live.”
He gave me a Mona Lisa type of smile. I couldn’t tell if it was
pity, fear, or sadness that he was feeling.
I just continued to look at
the ground while his hand hung on my shoulder.
It’s not the same as you
guys would think, but I’ll be able to be near Yuki, always. I’ll live through
Yuki.
Not because he will have his memories of me, but because he will
live out the life that I wouldn’t have had if he didn’t exist. I wouldn’t have
had thought of life differently and so I am forever grateful to him for
it.
As I was about to get up, Shigure asked with a grave voice that
seemed as if he wanted to cry, “Why…why were you hurt like Hatori?”
Hurt
physically? Like his blind eye? Hurt mentally? When the person he loved married
someone else, never knowing she loved him at all?
I turned to face him,
but now, he wouldn’t look at me. “I don’t know.”
I didn’t know how to
answer his question because it seemed too broad for me at that
moment.
“Haru…” his grip on my shoulder became a bit firmer. “Tell me,
Haru. What do you _truly_ fear?”
My eyes widened as I looked from side to
side.
What are you trying to ask for, Shigure?
Teasing people was
his hobby. But if Hatori was good at erasing memories, it was Shigure’s talent
to get you to say what you needed to truly hear.
With your own
words.
At that moment, I leaned forward with my head hanging and my hands
in fist. It was as if a rush of all the lost emotions had finally caught up with
me. And my tears came out.
I answered, “That Akito will blame Yuki
for…for this.”
I couldn’t tell him, “For this mistake.” Because it
wasn’t.
If it cost me a million times to come back to hell and Akito was
torturing me until the end of time, I would have still done the same
thing.
I finished, “And Yuki will have to live with that for the rest of
his life. And what I’ve strived for was gone. What I’ve lived for has all been
in vain. The happiness I want Yuki to have will never come to him.
“And
he will learn to associate his pain not with Akito any longer. It will be from
_me_. In the end, _I_ ended up hurting him more than Akito or anyone else.
”
Tears fell to the dirt before me.
“I will never forgive myself
for that.”
Tsuzuku…
--
author’s note: I know I fast-forward
past two-and-a-half weeks, but I felt that I should to emphasize that Haru was
keeping his word about keeping things normal. Now, we will descent into the
depths of this angst. @_@
I hope you’re enjoying the fic as much as I
feel endeared by Haru’s personality here. He’s weak, yet strong at the same
time.
Yui Miyamoto
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