Yui Miyamoto 
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Disclaimer: Gravitation isn't mine, but if I had, Ryuichi would be. J/k. Writing
is a passion never quenched and so I must suppress this hunger by manipulating
another's characters...Oshiete Kudasai (Please Tell Me)
When I fell in love with Yuki, I didn't know what that feeling
really meant. I didn't know love meant more than a feeling. It was an experience
all on its own...
As I looked at him, I kept on smiling. No matter if I
was sad, happy, or if I was late, early, any time of the day...it was this
perpetual smile that was on my face.
Love I had figured meant more than a
smile. It was a grin that would last more than the time it should
have...
Whenever I saw him, no matter the small or long distance, I had
to call his name, "Yuukiiii!"
It was an acknowlegdment of my existence. It
was to tell him not to pass me off as some other person that could possibly like
him. It was to convince myself that I had more significance in his life than
anyone else.
I found that love was a voice you couldn't hear, but it called
relentlessly and with no mercy on the receiver of this desparate call...even the
response back was no less painful in its plea to touch the other
side...
With all the embraces I gave him, I enclosed in my heart as
little treasures. Yes, this seemed childish and petty, but I wanted everything.
I wanted to remember everything and anything that had to deal with him.
It
was like having that precious bunny that Sakuma-san had all the time. No matter
how much Seguchi-san wanted him to take it away from him when they were young, I
had found out, Sakuma-san held onto that thing for dear life.
Love was like
that. You wanted to hold this lapse of time with much emotion forgetting that
you couldn't keep it forever...
Giving me that harsh tone of resentment
for anything I did wrong, or what seemed wrong to him, I felt guilty. Or at
least, because my feelings were so strong towards him, I began to become
somewhat conscientious of what I did.
Being young, I didn't think anything of
it at all.
And no matter how much people tell you love is blind, they're
lying to you. It isn't.
You make yourself blind...
I wish I had known
then, what I do now...
Giving me harsh look, with a mumble from his lips,
he had betrayed me in one long moment that seemed like an eternity. With a look
of shock for this shattered innocence inside myself and image of what love was
'supposed' to be as to what it really was, I regarded him with more disdain than
anything.
But even more so, shock. How he could ever do this to me....I will
never understand such cruelty.
Until now, I cry about it. And until now, it
weighs heavily on my heart...
...scarred deep inside my heart.
It will
never let go.
No, it has now become a part of me.
In darkness
like this, I still see myself clearly on that night. Pulling that trigger, I had
killed my lover that horrific evening. Crying in Touma-san's arms, I
relentlessly sobbed with tears falling without any means of stopping anytime
soon.
As I looked down at sleeping Shuichi in my lap, I tried to hold
back the tears and act more mean towards him.
Maybe I'll save you without
killing you, Shuichi.
By making you go away from me...
But maybe I'm doing
the same thing if I do it this way too. In this case, cruelty is kind,
Shuichi...it really is...
Tell me why.
Watching you watch me, I
see myself...
...still young and in love with Kitagawa Yuki...
...a
man whose name I kept as my own...
I don't want to repeat
history.
Tell me why love bleeds no matter how careful you
are.
Get away Shuichi...
Go away and fall in love with someone
else...
Tell me why I love even when I know it will hurt in the
end.
Holding his warm sleeping body even closer to my own, I
whispered in the darkness. "I keep on telling you, but why can't I let go of
you?"
Oshiete kudasai.
---
Author's note: I know, I was
evil. Thought it was Shuichi for a while, ne?
Obviously, this was during the
time before Yuki told his secret, but told Shuichi to leave him.
Yui Miyamoto
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