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Disclaimer: Tokyo Babylon is held by Clamp so all rights are held to them. I am just so in love with it that I can't leave it alone...
I had been watching him for years...
...only he never remembered me...
I didn't let him.
I began to laugh at the little boy in front of me, but when I 'woke him up', I just placed my hand over my mouth to keep from being too loud and too obvious about the whole affair. He turned his head from side to side until he had noticed me, who was just standing in front of him. "Sumimasen!" He began to bow.
And you should, little boy... you really should be sorry...
"Kirei na sakura desu ka? Sakura osuki desu ka?" I asked as we both looked up to falling sakura petals overhead.
What kind of question to ask a child. Of course he would reply yes. Only a sadist would dislike them... heh...maybe there was hope for me yet.
As he smiled and nodded with a "Hai!" I found it very amusing. I don't know why, though.
He had a certain...charm...as I could put it.
Then, I took some flying down from the branches and they landed on my hands. I looked at him saying, "Cherry blossoms are always as white as snow. Even whiter. But do you know why they are pink?"
With that ever benevolent innocence around him, he shook his head at me.
In a quiet anger that I couldn't show, I was a bit frustrated. How could he be oblivious to the world... ...and yet he was a medium?? I couldn't understand this purity when mine had been so tainted by the time I was his own age.
Sighing to myself, I answered, "It's because of the blood of the dead corpses buried under the sakura." I then clenched my fist as if I could almost feel the blood of the people who had been severed with it. I could feel the pulsation running down the crevices between my fingers and falling to the ground as if I were crushing someone right then and there.
You don't know, little boy...
Looking up at me, he began to cry. He asked, "But aren't they sad?"
It was then that there was a tug in my heart... A guilt that had been numbed for so many years...
My face couldn't hold the shock at his heart being so soft.
Yet, you are a medium, little boy? I don't quite understand...
Then, that face that was so sure and calm suddenly became surprised as I looked at him.
By now, this is nothing to me... But you're reopening the wound.
I can't let you die just yet. This could be...interesting...
A voice suddenly protruded inside my skull softly saying, "You will be killed by the one you love the most.." she had said to me. "Itsuka..."
Smiling once again with my usual calmness, I regained my composure. I then knelt in front of him to look at him eye to eye. "I'll make a bet with you."
Leaning closer to him, I whispered, "When we meet again-" Purposely, a wind began to blow the sakura petals in a violent frenzy. And he didn't notice it all.
I am controlling it... See how calm I am little boy? I'm so used to this.
He began to shout with his arm over his face to block the petals from his face, "I can't hear you because the wind's so loud!!!"
As he fell asleep, I held him in my arms. And I began to hold him tighter than when my own mother had died in my arms.
I couldn't kill the boy. I can't.
As I brushed the hair away from his closed eyes, I looked deeply at him.
That's what I was missing...
Shaking my head, I smiled to myself.
After he had been in my arms for a while, a great burden had been lifted from me. I felt a little bit lighter than from all the years of things I had to see.
But something different was forming inside of me. It was the kind of feeling like an soft, warm, electric shock circulating my body. And yet, I felt sad at this feeling also.
Though that little girl was bleeding next to me, I was so focused on the sleeping boy's face before my own. After tricking him by starting off with, "Kirei na sakura desu ne?"
I half-laughed at making him my patsy. But I half-laughed at his pure innocence as he nodded at me with a smiling face saying, "Hai."
Being the way I was, I had lost that certain laugh that only children possessed... even if I was a child myself.
And so when I looked at him, I felt a bit at peace. That sleeping boy in my arms was a medium, but I felt his heart wasn't in it. It wasn't that he wasn't sincere, it was his underlying sadness in taking care of too many people...
That's why I say you're gentle.
My time was up and I didn't want to let go. Licking his hands of his own blood, I had sealed my mark on him as his eyes began to blink.
With the sakura flying again, I placed him on his feet and held his cheek. He looked at me without knowing what I had done to him.
You shouldn't know... I think I'm growing weak if...
If I... I smirked at that moment.
With a smile that I hadn't smiled for years, I said, "Today, I'll let you live."
Then, I watched him run away from me not really knowing what I was saying.
And for a moment, I stood there unable to go anywhere or do anything as long as he was in my sight.
You are my prey...and yet...
I laughed at myself at my foolish thoughs and turned to walk the other way with my hands in my pockets.
You may not remember...but I'll remember you.
At this thought, my heart became the way it once was, but a slight sadness encapsuled it even more so because of that little boy...
...that little boy whose name was Subaru Sumeragi.
Chapter 2 - Shiranai kedo. (But didn't know...)
I laughed to myself at the thought. It had been years since that wonderful day, and yet I always remembered it as if it were just a few minutes ago. Subaru Sumeragi had made impressionable mark that couldn't go away. It was mixed with a guilt that I couldn't foresee and yet I was still gladdened by these turn of events. His grandmother, Lady Sumeragi, was so mad at me. Trying to contact me telepathically and commanding me never to touch Subaru, I found it so amusing.
Was it the forbidden wall I was never to cross that got me even more energetic for the challenge? Or was I so easily touched by the young Sumeragi?
I smirked to myself. Maybe- Tap, tap, tap, tap....
Looking back, I found my astroprojection had caught the eye of the young Sumeragi. And being the way he was, he obviously ran after it. Just amused at the sight, I glanced up and down from my newspaper across the train platform from his own. "WAH!" he shouted as he tripped to the ground and landed on his face. With wide eyes, I watched him still gripping onto my paper and embarrassed at the loud laughing my hawk was making.
Eh tou...
Jumping across the dead track, I held out my hand to pick him up. "A-arigatou!" He immediately replied.
Just as polite as ever. You never do change, don't you, Sumeragi-kun?
Taking out my handkerchief, I began to wipe his red face and he looked at me uncertainly. "Eh-eh...tou....umm..." But he didn't protest.
He never did that kind of thing to me. Only subtly would he ever tell me no, ne? And that's what made this more fun.
Taking him to the clinic, I began to treat his face with ointment and he quietly let me do so. As I took a closer look at him, I couldn't help but think about those wide green eyes.
They've not changed. Not at all...
Ah...I don't think I should stare or else he'll suspect something.
Turning around, his sister than came to the door and into the clinic. And it was a riot. I had never laughed so heartily in such a long time. Of course, this was at Subaru-kun's expense, but still...
If this was the way to be this close, then I shall take it.
Then, Hokuto-chan said, "But Sei-chan is the kind of guy you fall in love with at first sight..." I looked over at Subaru and he started to melt more into his seat as if he were praying that his sister would just stop teasing him.
But that would be no fun if I stopped it.
And so, I joined in. Cruel, yes. But it was a trait that I never could get rid of and not one that didn't have its benefits at times.
It was then that I found Subaru concentrating on his thoughts. And I was torn at this.
He may remember... I don't want him to remember...not yet...
What the hell am I thinking...?
And then I caught the last sentence loud and clear. For a minute, I stood there unable to control my annoyance. I then looked seriously at them and countered sternly, "No, this is NOT the first time we've met." "It isn't?" He blinked his eyes in surprise along with his sister. I shook my head in stubborness. "No. We met a long time ago."
He had forgotten... that day... but I wouldn't let him... he has forgotten the dream I gave him...
... but if he remembers, I must fulfill the promise...
And we left it at that...well, on the outside.
Trying to appear lighthearted again, I then again tease him. And this time, I said, "On Subaru-kun's and my wedding day-" "But, but I'm a guy," he stammered. And I took the opportunity to corner him. Leaning closer and closer to him while saying that maybe I was hentai for thinking these things, I became very hot.
I wanted to touch him. To be that close to him as I was now... In an alternate universe, maybe we could be together, Subaru... But as of this moment, it cannot be...
When they were going to leave, Hokuto asked me, "Hanami! Let's see it together!" I agreed and smiled.
Maybe I can remind you now, Subaru...
As I touched that blessed tree, the Sakura above me began to fall as if it was heeding to its master's call. It was the sakura tree had stood through time and I stood below it to seal its lost memories.
Subaru turned around to see me there standing silent and smiling back at him. "Do you know why the sakura is pink?" Taking off my glasses, "It's because there are dead people buried under the sakura."
His eyes opened wide in shock and looked back at me in horror.
He was remembering. And I wanted to reach out and embrace him...
"No, I don't want you to remember", I thought for a second.
So I looked away from him as he began to contemplate the familiar scene. Still looking at me, I pushed my weight on the sakura tree.
If I don't lean on this tree, I will grow weak. I always lose my reserve with this boy...
Putting my glasses back on, I went towards Hokuto-chan who was calling to us. Looking back, Subaru-kun put his hand on his head in confusion.
You are remembering... But I need more time....
"Subaru-kun~!" Hokuto-chan shouted at him as we began to eat. Catching his breath, he ran to his sister who was already annoyed at him. He then joined us at the picnic.
But he wasn't here at all now.
A tug at my heart began to form once more. That little string of guilt that never went away whenever I looked at him.
While passing him food, I asked curiously with a look full of concern, "What's wrong, Subaru-kun?"
He's so distracted.
I then began to wipe his mouth as Hokuto-chan made some comment, but this time, Subaru-kun was so out of it, he didn't notice until I was close to him he began to blush even redder than before.
I love that look of pure innocence...
"N-nandemo nai..." He then shook his head and tried his best to smile at me. But I knew it was my fault. I patted his shoulder to calm him down. "I hope so..."
As I continued to eat and laugh, he looked at us so contentedly but as if it were not going to last long. Somewhere deep inside of himself, he knew...
He could feel it...
As I waved goodbye, I said thank you and walked in the opposite direction towards my apartment with my coat in my arms.
But when they were gone, the smile faded. And I became serious once again.
While walking up the steps to my apartment, I began to sigh. "Subaru-kun..."
Pushing the key into the lock, I opened the door and closed it just as quickly. After lifting up the switch to my room, I sat on my bed and took off my tie.
"That look nagged me..." I said to myself. "Ah..."
Sighing again, I took my glasses off and placed them on the dresser. And then I laid on my bed with my hands behind my head again.
I had done that to him.
You're remembering me, Subaru-kun... ...and I don't think it's a good thing...
Inside the corner of my mind hidden for years, a voice whispered to me. "I wish I could leave him alone...and let him live."
Even my mind didn't know which way to go.
Again, I questioned myself: Was it the forbidden wall I was never to cross that got me even more energetic for the challenge? Or was I so easily touched by the young Sumeragi?
But I knew the truth all along. I was so caught up in the game that I forgot.
Subaru had touched me like the hand I held out to him that day. Crushing petals in my hands, I wanted to show my strength, but no, that wasn't it all...
...that's what he was doing to me but ever so slowly.
"This was the day I let you live." I had said.
But that was the same day I let myself die... Sumeragi was unraveling me with my own means of killing people. Like the sakura I purposely told to fall in a frenzy so beautifully that day, he took my heart in his hand and was crushing me...
...and even more painfully, he did so without knowing it. Not at all...
Chapter 3 - You didn't know anything at all.
Growl.
No matter how many times you think you're inhuman or surpassing the human race...your stomach was there to remind you but.
"Time to eat." I monotonously said to myself. While humming to myself, I listened to the rain become a soft patter to a pounding noise that seemed almost inhuman.
While stirring my stew, it was then I remembered...
[flashback] "You shouldn't be doing that right now, Subaru-kun!" Hokuto-chan had shouted at him. Tugging on his priest outfit, she began to plead, "Please? Please?" "But...these people..." he then looked at her deeply. "That boy said there were people buried here. And that's why the sakura are pink." She gasped. "But the rain is starting to pour..." He stubbornly stood his ground. "Sumimasen. But just tell grandmother I will be late in coming home then." Unable to leave him, Hokuto-chan stood there looking at him with her hands over one another. "You sure?" "Yes," Subaru answered firmly. Looking back with a smile, he assured her, "I'll be all right." And she had left with that.
The smile on his lips had faded and he began to go around all the sakura doing what he usually did. And then, he looked up to the last one.
Putting his hand, a now black gloved one, on the tree, he began to cry as he chanted. Going to his knees, he began to clench his fists and cry again.
I was behind one of the other trees and stood there with my arms crossed watching him.
Guilt...it was again reforming inside of me as I saw his tears...
The rain began to drop faster and faster. But there he stood looking at the sakura tree as if there was no rain...as if it could help him...
...as if asking if he could turn back time...
In all the excitement...he fainted. But before my umbrella fell for the ground, I had dashed to catch him. Lifting up a wet Subaru in my arms, I looked around and began walking towards his shrine. Walking out of the park, I looked down at him again. He began to murmur, "Why? Why did you do this to me?"
And I knew who he was talking to... Pinch... My heart began to ache and so my chest muscles began to contract. So I started to cough.
Laying him at the foot of the shrine steps, I kissed his forehead and walked away as if it were nothing.
I had become so soft... What the hell was happening to my edge?! I was supposed to kill him... There was opportunity to... and yet I couldn't. It wasn't a fair fight.
And I was in- Knock, knock.
"Who could that be at this late an hour and in the pouring rain?" I lifted up my ladle and mumbled to myself until I heard the knocking again. Lifting up my shoulders, I walked over to my front door. Upon opening it, my eyes opened wide to see a drenched Subaru in front of me.
I hate that face... It always reminds me of what I have done... To make that smile fade so easily...
He was dripping and as he stepped closer to me, I saw the tears that had been cried and just wouldn't stop.
Closing my eyes for a moment as if to deny this, I then stepped forward and once again lifted Subaru into my arms.
I placed him on my bed and got a towel to dry off his hair. But there was nothing I could do with his clothes, so I wrapped him a big blanket to keep him warm.
All I could do was act so calm though I worried if he would get sick. Just like that time...
And I didn't realize that I was still holding him close to me. But he didn't say anything to get me out of my thoughts. "Sumimasen..." he apologized as his wet head of hair dripped onto my shirt. The rainwater began to fall and mench onto my shirt.
Drip, drip, drip. I don't mind at all. Drip...
Shaking my head in compliance, I replied, "It's okay."
It's actually more than okay...
And I think that's when he couldn't handle it anymore. He began to shake and cry silently in front of me. In an even tighter embrace, I consoled, "Stop crying, Subaru-kun."
I hate it when you cry...
But if I hold you anymore I might become- After a few minutes, I got up and asked, "I'll give you something to drink so that you'll calm down, okay?" Slowly, he nodded his hand and I left the room.
When I gave him a drink, he began to explain his last 'job' to me. As I nodded and agreed with him, he began to cry. Again, out of pity, compassion, and gentleness, Subaru cried for these people. As he laid in my lap while crying, I ran my fingers through his hair not really knowing what to do.
To betray myself... or to betray him... This was the question.
As I put him to sleep, he mumbled to me, "Arigatou gozaimasu..."
It was then that I entered another room and punched the full-glass mirror. Chuckling to myself, the me that wanted his blood was coming out...
I wanted to devour him... right then and there...
As thunder crashed outside, I came out of the room. While walking up to him, I took out my glasses and undid my tie from the heat. On his bedside, I then gently took the back of his neck and pulled it up towards me. Blinking his eyes, he looked so confused as he looked up at me.
You're dreaming...I'm making you feel like this is a dream. That I would never do this to you...
Though I am. Though I wanted to.
"Seishirou-san?" I smiled down at him.
And he looked like he was thinking about something again as he began to drift off. Lifting his head up even more, I leaned closer to kiss him. Feeling his neck, I started to make an invisible path as I kissed his cheek and kept on kissing him until I reached the middle of his throat.
It was then that I said aloud, "You should watch out, Subaru-kun..." Kiss, kiss...
I am dreaming...
Tenderly touching his cheeks, I was so close to his ear that I touched it with my lips. Whispering even lower I said,"...because the happiness you want may lead you to darkness and sadness."
Placing his head back onto the pillow, I then kissed him on the lips again.
As he held my cheek shakily with all the strength he had, I placed it back down on the bed as I kissed his forehead. Laughing almost to myself, I said, "Mine. Maybe I should say this to myself also, shouldn't I, Subaru-kun?"
He's not resisting me at all... Maybe he...
As the rain began to fall, I looked closely at him through the thundering. In the pitter patter of the rain, my own fell...
He looked up at me with a face that said, "Why are you crying on me, Seishirou?"
I shook my head. In frustration, that's all I can do right now...
I didn't know why. My mind, my heart, and my life were going in different directions and I didn't know what to choose.
All I knew was that you were killing me ever so slowly.
Making me think twice about everything I had done in my life and everyone that I had killed and/or trusted...
It was now that I realized your true power over me, Subaru. How you could wring my heart like a twisted sakura petal... ...and still look at me so clearly... ...trust me so wholly...
You didn't know anything at all, Subaru...nothing...
Clenching him with my hands, I couldn't do anything at all...
Plip, plop, plip, plop...
Chapter 4 - In this Darkness.
As I was approaching the room, there stood the crazy mother approaching Subaru. Inside myself, I was cringing...
You can't do anything to him... Only I can do something to him...
Only me...
And my eyes became angered as I found myself rushing...
Slash.
Only for this boy... Would I accept this type of defeat... From such a slow human woman...
Swish.
Smiling, I covered my left eye with that perpetual smirk that I always held at any given time. It was a reflex that I couldn't control...
...like with protecting my prey...
Subaru didn't say anything. I don't think he knows he isn't breathing...
As she was about to stab me, I took a hold of her wrists to calm her down.
That's enough woman... you've had your fun...
With a glance in back of me, I found Subaru falling to his knees. And I had wanted to just pick him up and tell him it was all right. It was part of fate.
It's not your fault.
And so I turned around calmly and resolute as they directed me towards the ER.
I won't cry for you. I can't feel anything for you, Subaru...
I just can't. If I act with even more emotion... It will hurt my pride...
Feeling the blood protruding through the now open hole of where my left eye used to be, I entered the ER indifferently.
I had killed people this way. Even worse. It didn't matter anymore. Losing an eye was nothing...
But what mattered was that I didn't lose it for nothing...
I had lost my nerve. Inside, I had been a little defeated.
That Sumeragi was waving his magic charm over me again and I couldn't resist him no matter what I did. And what did I just do? I protected him.
Ache.
You're making him trust you even more... You'll make him bleed even more in time...
And that's when I heard the pounding on the door.
Subaru...
The incessant calling of my name sent mixed emotions inside of me like a cup of spilt coffee on a white breakfast table.
I wanted to reach out... but I couldn't.
I wanted to tell him to stop... I couldn't even more... he was hurting me more with this than my eye...
"Seishirou-san." I had heard all muffled through the door.
Blinking slowly, I stared up hazily to the light overhead.
I will not cry...
Aaaah! What is he doing to me? Sumeragi was putting my guard down.
He was...making me...fall...in...
--
I felt him through the door, and yet I waited here with a smile to welcome him into the room.
Swish.
At the threshold, Subaru stood with a smile that seemed unnatural. He was hiding something from me and the tenseness in the room was in the air. And yet, I smiled at him.
This is nothing, Subaru. Nothing.
I tried to talk with him, but then, he looked at me. And he started to cry. I tilted my head as I slid my fingers through his hair. At this, he began to tremble even more... ...and all the tears he was trying to hide gushed forth.
"Gomenasai! Gomenasai!" he cried over and over to me.
And all I could do was nod at him.
I wanted so much to just embrace him... but what the hell was I thinking? Since when did I ever have such a soft spot for this heir to the Sumeragi clan?
When did it start...
It was then that I held his chin so that he could look straight at me. Again, to ease the tension, I played a joke on him as he stumbled to the ground.
-- That evening, all the lights were closed. And I could hardly hear anything outside. Just then, a click of the door was heard but I didn't even turn my head. My eyes were closed and I wanted to continue to try to go to sleep without consciously thinking about my eye.
An eye I sacrificed for that boy Sumeragi...
And little by little... I felt I was sacrificing everything for him...
I thought it was one of the nurses there to check on me when that person who had opened the door leaned on it instead. It was so quiet that I heard the breathing...
...I knew that voice anywhere. That's how intricately woven I had succumbed to, for Subaru...
With the soft tapping of his shoes, he gradually came closer until I heard his jacket slide onto the chair next to my bed.
I had expected... nothing at all.
Only to find he came into the covers next to me. And at this, I felt warm all over. I was melting.
Quietly, he said to himself, "Everytime I look at your eye, I feel so guilty..." Then, this remark ensued in a slight sob. He then placed his head on my chest as he cuddled against me.
He was tempting me...
And who was I to fight this? And you, of all people. I then hugged him with more force than I would have wanted to. I would have crushed you right now. In the darkness, I kissed his forehead.
It was so fun to see him guilty on my part for once. And yet, I didn't want him to... Not Subaru.
Trembling a bit, he whispered, "Seishirou."
There was more.
He wanted to say more.
I wanted to say more.
Quietness...
Then, he stopped the silence with something I also didn't expect: "You're killing me with your love."
And I opened my one eye unable to look at him. Staring at the ceiling, I just held him silently. I felt him trying to say more, but he couldn't.
I couldn't either.
You're doing the same thing to me, Subaru.
But I don't know what that concept is. I don't know what it's supposed to include much less show it...
You're asking too much from me.
Being so close to you, I'm only too stubborn to reply and comply...
It's futile to resist... The more I push away, the more you come back, and the more I want you...
...even if it's an enchantment... ...even if it seems fake...
These are my true feelings here and now.
In this darkness.
Chapter 5 - kimi dake wa wakaranai...
I stared down at him. And he looked back even more lost at what to do. Again, he had begun to cry. Again, I had melted into such a sakura petal falling to the floor so quietly.
But all the while, I was trying to be indifferent... It was getting harder and harder...
And so, with my thumb, I wiped his tears away. "Don't cry. Stop crying."
But the comfort I wanted to give had an opposite effect and so he began to cry even more. "I-I can't..." He protested between wiping his face over and over. He wouldn't even let our eyes meet. "They won't stop," he wailed helplessly.
Lowering my eyes, I commanded him to go lock the door. Innocent as he was, he looked at me with a look of bemusement. It took him a few seconds to let go of me and lock the door. Again, he came back to me and snuggled next to me like before. He wasn't crying anymore, but I knew the uncertain silence was holding everything back.
I could be lying to you Subaru. Realize it. Change your fate.
Now. Do it. Get away.
But as I thought this, I couldn't do anything. My instinct, my person, my arms interjected. And so I didn't do anything but say, "Why are you silent?"
I couldn't even look at him. All I could do was look out the window to avoid his helpless gaze.
The incessant crying commenced itself once more. And I knew, I had lost...
As I took off my glasses, I carefully put them on the stand next to my bed. Clasping my hands on his, I put all my attention on him.
You're making me do this to you... I...maybe...wanted you to... But it's your fault.
It'll always be your fault for provoking me.
Closing my eye, I kissed him as deeply as I could. And though I knew he was protesting, he slowly placed his hands complacently on my shoulders like the good little obedient boy that he had always been.
You can't say no to me. Not to me, Subaru...
Pushing his jacket off his shoulders, I seductively coaxed, "I know." As I began to kiss his forehead, he began to protest. But I paid no attention to it and continued to do as I pleased.
Leaning closer to him, I heavily breathed into his ear, "Be careful what you wish for because I won't hold back. Not tonight."
No, I won't. You'll let me consume you tonight. I don't care what you do, but I will get what I want.
In my arms, he felt even warmer and the blood on his gloves was seeping through as I began to lick his gloves lightly. I then pushed off his shirt to his shoulders. Teasingly, I shoved him away and then grabbed his cheek lightly. "Boku o mitsumete yo, Subaru."
He wouldn't look at me.
Lifting his chin, that was the only way he would look at me. Not that he noticed me leading him anymore.
I was just as enamored by the moment as he. Placing his hand on my empty left one, he looked at me so sorrowfully and began to become tearful. Shaking my head, I tried to tell him it wasn't his fault.
It was my own. But my pride wouldn't let me think so. And so I continued to stare into his eyes.
I took both of his hands over mine and let him help me undue the buttons of my shirt.
Finally...he gave in. He started to kiss me back...
This meeting shouldn't have been... Your body, Your voice... It's all mine. I don't want to share you with anyone. Not even Hokuto. For this moment, I will not give into anyone and anything.
And though I look at you in front of me, you stare up at me with this look of such innocence. And I feared the day that you would lose that look that was only from me. Maybe I was a bit impetuous in my thinking, but I had always wanted to keep that look for myself. That certain eye movements or that smile that would reveal a loneliness that I had known would remain the tangible means of my guilt.
Yes, I know, I am selfish person.
Was this what humans called 'love'? I wanted to convince myself that Subaru was more than a thing. Somehow, he had surpassed all the things and people I had thought so little of.
For if I touched him, I feared I would break him.
As I continued to consume him at my pleasure, I couldn't help but think that by this gradual corrupting, I would be able to have him. But I knew that fate would have it otherwise. And I was waiting so painfully for that moment. That moment that he would hate me so much that he'd leave me.
But like someone helplessly sucked into a vacuum that they can't seem to get out of. I let myself get raveled by this young boy's charm.
I... What I wanted...
What the hell...
And each time these kinds of thoughts found themselves inside of my head, I would kiss Subaru harder...
I can't feel you. Even if you're right next to me... Why is it that the more I hold you, the more I can't get enough of you?
This closeness isn't enough. It's not enough...
I want more...
And so Subaru laid below me with closed eyes while still holding onto me tightly.
Though I had touched every corner of his body, though I had kissed his face and neck a million times... I felt unsatisfied.
I wanted the guilt to go away...
I wanted to keep Subaru for a moment... Just one moment...
Shaking my head, I looked down at him as he looked up at me.
I don't want you to lose that look.
Laying myself beside him on the bed, I slid my fingers into the roots of his hair as I put my arm on his waist. He wouldn't be able to go. Not yet. I won't let this end. Everything is under my control...
"Seishirou?" "Yes?" I had answered. "What is it?" A chilling wind blew for a second as he asked, "Why...why do I get the feeling you will leave me someday?"
It was dead silent.
I don't know how to answer that... I don't want to answer that...
Silently crying inside, I remembered my mother's words, "I'm not the one you love best." All I could say was, "For tonight. Just for tonight, let's just forget the world." Holding him closer and laying my cheek onto his own, I whispered, "For tonight, let's abandon our fate."
With a light nod, he replied, "Okay..."
But I knew this wouldn't satisfy me or himself. And so he began to sob a little. Pressing his hands a little, the blood persisted slowly in bleeding and permeating itself onto the pillow.
At last he said, "Yes, for one night, let us enjoy this time together. For I fear our time is short from now on..."
But I was awake. And I held him closer to me. For the first time in my life since my mother had left me and I had met Subaru, I had felt alone. And in that cold hospital room, I held him warmly next to me. In a slight whisper, I began to sing,
"I don't know what you did, but you made a mark on me. I don't understand what effect you have over me. All my life I thought I was in control until you blew everything away like sand in your hands, time is running out. Don't forget about me. Don't forget who we are. For this day on, I will be different and you won't be able to recognize me. But I'm still the same, but you won't be here anymore.
You won't understand tomorrow. Only in this will you find refuge. You'll be gone. And it's because I forced you To go away from me."
Everytime I think that I've overcome you...
I took up his chin and began to kiss his the nape of his neck as he laid asleep.
Looking down at him, my eyes became slits.
Everytime I think that way, you're the one making me fall even further.
I've fallen off the cliff. I'm beyond redemption.
Clenching my hands, I looked down at his sleeping, unknowing face like a prey that had no idea he was sleeping with his enemy, I hugged him close to me.
Stupid Subaru... I would never beg or cry for anyone or anything. And yet you had this 'power' over me.
To make someone as great as myself...with such power... I've succumbed to such...weakness...
You've made me fall to my knees... Like a servant hopeless in his plight, you hold my chin with that innocent smile... looking down at me with all that sincerity...
I have been telling you to run away, but I can't seem to let you go either...
As you sleep soundly, I'll whisper, "Please...don't lose that look..."
And I just stared at him. But the dawn was coming and I had to stop staring. I had to pretend again.
He left me.
I fell asleep mumbling to myself, "I have to pretend again."
...even... ...even if I...
...don't want to anymore...
Floating into unconsciousness, I mumbled,
"Sumeragi..."
"your time has just run out..."
Chapter 6 - Dai kirai... (I hate you so much...)
It came back to that cursed bet we had made many years ago. As the petals floated to the ground, I had looked up to the branches which mercilessly let these petals fall at their own will.
As a child, I had run to catch them in my hands. Laughing happily, I giggled and made my own pile in the park. And the people stared at me strangely as they whispered around me. But I did not care. So what if I had no parents? I had always lived alone never really caring to know who my parents were anyway. For if they were important, than they would have already made their appearances in my life. The pile became bigger and bigger until I jumped into them like a bird. Laying there, I blinked my eyes and looked at the sky.
The people dispersed and became scarce. But there I laid unable to move. I knew that if I did, I would cry. I always thought that humans were so weak to be quick to cry and yet I found myself doing the same thing. A tear had come out from the side of my left eye. Crunching my fist, I was unable to control the pouring that had ensued. I was well aware of my loneliness. But I had never really thought of it until then. When I saw those people pass by me with no care as to my well-being. Instead, they had turned away their faces and gossiped to all sides of me.
There was no one to touch... No one to be lonely with... Nothing to relieve it...
And so, I became numb inside. From that time on, everything was in a dull state. Nothing was too happy or too sad. It just was the way it was.
When I had grown older, there was a boy crying before the sakura tree. Touching it, he began to cry more. I never really paid attention to any of my prey that I had ever killed, but I remembered that beautiful face. As he turned his head to me with tears, again, I felt guilty.
Without knowing it, my index finger had wiped away his tears as I knelt down to him. Looking at me, he sniffed not knowing who I was... ...the one who had given him the mark of death.
At this, I felt a little sad... I wanted him to remember...
Wrapping my arms around him, I hugged him tightly saying, "Don't cry. you shouldn't cry."
I was trying to convince myself of that too as I had my own tears rising, and yet my pride resisted against it. And my voice indicated nothing but comfort to the boy.
"But I want to cry," he had answered. "I have to smile all the time for my sister; but this time, I want to cry..."
That lump inside of my chest crunched up and I embraced him more until I put him to sleep. Looking around, I kidnapped him to bring him to a remote side of the park. There, I touched his face softly with the back of my head. But that wasn't enough. I kissed his forehead and then his lips, which were always so soft and wet. Holding him, I felt that lingering and stinging pain go away. My loneliness had evaporated. I felt like a child in the park again not caring about the people around me.
It was then that I thought, "I shouldn't have..."
I should have let you live.
But my pride got in the way. Holding him, I brought him back to his shrine. At the entrance, I laid him down to his side, but I had left my school uniform top for him to lie on. I think I did it to irritate his grandmother. I think she even burned the thing when he was sent to his room, but I know I had given him my uniform.
There are so many things I forget, but no, not you Subaru. I remember everything...
"Sakura osuki desu ka?" As I look about the room after every annoying person leaving me, I get up to go to the roof. Leaning on the rail, I smile seductively... "Hai."
Yes, everything, Subaru... "Do you know why the sakura are so pink?" Then, now, or in the future, you will never escape me... "They're the blood of the dead corpses buried under them." I will find you. You don't remember me, don't you? But I won't have to find you... "Remember me, please..."
...if you are already in my veins, aren't you? I-
Hitting my hand on the gate, I calmly take it away. The lingering and stinging feeling was coming back to me with full force. I watched you for so long...
If I don't kill you now... I'll never do it, Subaru...
Twisted as it may seem, You're mine. And mine alone...
my beautiful prey...
no one will touch you... and mold you like I will...
no one will hurt you... as I will...
I hate you so much, I love you.
Chapter 7 - Hana no namida. (The tear of a flower.)
Hokuto had known. She had known all along. Unconsciously, she had sensed my dark aura and though she had tried to defeat this thought, it was there nonetheless.
For how can one fight the truth? With a lie? Oh...that was just too fun with Subaru...
Putting on my tie in front of the mirror slowly, I looked at myself and how old I had become. How childish these thoughts of affection had gotten the best of me.
Oh how had I let that Sumeragi Subaru slip my grasps...
If he was coming the way he did the night before, I would have broken down. For a moment there, I lost myself and stopped fixing my tie. I held the mirror of that hospital bathroom in front of me. Looking at my lips, I whispered, "It was decided. You had decided it."
There was no room for regret right now. No room for remorse. For all the blood spilled for and because of my clan, what would become of that? And for what?
A mere boy... a boy I was supposed to kill seven years ago...
What kind of sick and twisted notion was this building inside of me? What did I want to mold in this boy? To kill him and yet to save him at the same time?
That was yet something I had not understood.
Though there had been many yumemi, I was still not one of them.
I lived in this present time and place. Or so I would like to think...
In my weakness, I look at this mirror wanting to smash it. I was much stronger this, I knew all along. I had surpassed my superiors at a young age and this was a game to me. But looking down and still holding onto the mirror, I whispered, "Leave. Make him leave. Don't come here, Subaru..."
Before I had started changing my clothes, I had transported myself into his dream. Again, he was seeing himself; and yet, now, he was seeing his younger self and all its shortcomings.
And there I stood behind him... watching my mistake of the years gone past...
Maybe to him, he thought I was smiling. But as I reached for his shoulder, I hid my eyes with the sakura petals flying.
I had wanted to cry and laugh hysterically at my past deeds... these stupid things you do at youth that you can never take back...
After finishing my recollection of that short escapade from myself, I put changed out of the hospital pants and into my slacks. Watching myself in the mirror, I combed my hair. Then, for the last touch, I put on my coat.
I wouldn't look at myself...
But then, that clashing of both evil and good within me made me glance back at the mirror as I smiled darkly while leaving the bathroom. In a moment of madness, my heart became heavy and I longingly looked at mirror at the same time that I knew he was there behind the door...
I held my bandaged eye...
For how can you become... stronger for what's to come, Subaru...
Then, my calm demeanor had come back to me. The numbness was coming back...
Like clockwork, he opened the door to find me smiling mysteriously at him. And then, I opened my mouth to announce, "The time of when the bet must be fulfilled has come...Sumeragi Subaru."
Don't call my name, Subaru... We no longer know each other the way we want to...
Leaning so close on the sakura tree, I felt something piercing my back... the pain...
Guiding him, I let him see the truth. I brought the truth of our first meeting back to him. Maybe I was trying to make up for the time that I should have killed him. For if I had done that, I would have saved so much time... so much energy... salvage anything left...
but I had nothing when that boy came to me... Nothing. I had no fond memories until I had met him...
I guess I brought you here because... ...this is the way I wanted you to remember me... ...this is the way I want to remember you...
This was my favorite memory... the only one I can remember when I was young...
I was stuck in time. And I wanted Subaru to stay with me at that perfect moment of beauty. But as I saw that face change from one of complacency to one of horror, I couldn't stand it. He was reliving everything...
Feeling more of the pain I had inflicted on him...
But... I wanted him to remember me... even like this... even as horrible as this...
Then, unable to control myself, I reached out and caught his shoulder. In the silence, I held my hand out to stop the scene...
...and finally, he saw the face of the boy who had cursed him... ...my younger self smiled that grin of supremacy at being the enemy who had slept inside of Subaru...
...who had always been beside him...
Boku da. Me.
Subaru's tear, the one that had held out for so long had finally fallen as he mimed my name on his lips.
I then revealed the dead little girl that had been beside me. The one he had seen me kill right in front of him and therefore gave him his punishment...
I could feel that blood dripping still today. At my feet.
You're too late. You're trying to runaway, but I can't let go now.
You will never leave me...
Grabbing his arm, my eyes became slits as I breathed onto his ear to whisper, "It was me."
As Subaru was remembering everything at that moment, he grabbed his head. And he had seen that I had marked him with my own teeth...
Lifting my hand, I commanded the wind... everything must break you... EVERYTHING.
Even with my own hands, I must break you. I must!
As he bled in front of me, the tree was enveloping his body. And the sakura petals fell in a frenzy around us.
I wanted to touch that beautiful face at that moment. You know I love beautiful things, Subaru.
And do you know what perfection is? Seeing life and death crashing at one another...
This is true beauty. When a flower's dew is not dew, but a tear.
Like your tears...
The glass mirror broke and I threw him back into reality.
Turning my back, I sighed aloud. Then, at that moment, I glanced back to see Subaru reaching out to me with his broken fingers whispering silently,
"Se...i...shi...ro...u...sa...n. Boku wa anata ga suki dattan desu."
Always, when I think I have the upper hand, you come to crush me. And I have to save whatever is left of myself.. Whatever I think is of myself...
At that moment, my heart beat strongly and a single tear that I had held back for so long purged forth from my eye and fell down my cheek.
"I know." I said as my head lay low. "You stupid boy..."
Don't you understand WHY I did this? I know you won't ever understand me or my reasons...
"It IS because I love you, Subaru..."
Chapter 8 - Forgotten Dream.
Looking at the sakura still flying in this warped space where time had ceased, yet the memory had still lived, I again saw a little boy.
"Of course, it was Sumeragi Subaru..."
On a whim, I had wanted to take a stroll and watch that prey that I had come to fancy because of something unusual. I didn't know what it was, but there just something so fascinating about him. And the feeling he gave me, it felt like I could just touch the epitome of perfection.
For the sakurazukamori, I was told that love was an illusion that couldn't be touched. It was an outdated thing. And yet, that feeling called love was the deep and pursuing passion that drove a killer to kill their prey. I don't know, for no one told me, when or why this curse came upon my household that we must kill and yet be killed by the one we loved the most. And yet, I think I had understood when I looked at that little boy Sumeragi...
You mold.
You build.
You destroy.
But still, twisted as this thinking was...
...weren't they always yours?
And, I had no better teacher than my own mother...
And so, I observed that boy from his classroom from the rooftop of his school. School was boring to me anyway. What would I need from those humans? I was the top student in my class. And anyone who dared to defy me only got an invisible slap to their face at what I could do...
Tilting my head, I watched Sumeragi playing soccer. No, let me rephrase that, he had asked to play with them. "Take off your gloves then!" they had said.
Children were just as cruel as any assassin, I'd say...
"I can't." He shook his head. "I'll get in trouble." "You weirdo!" one said. "I don't want to play with him because that one time, blood started to drip from his gloves." Another teased painfully, "Then there was that time that a light appeared with that star, huh?" "What are you dumb boys doing to my brother?! HUH?!" A very pissed off Hokuto-chan came and was about to pound them, but her brother just shook his head and ran away from all of them.
It was then that I found myself crying a single tear for him...
He wasn't running because he was afraid... It was the emotional impact of it all...
"I shouldn't have done it..." I found myself saying as my grin of satisfaction at his torture had pierced my heart. And then, I found myself running after him .
I don't know where, how, why, when, or what I did, but there I was watching myself at my weakness. I pulled his collar and began to hold his shoulders. Then, I turned him around to face me. "Oni-chan?" he had said.
And for a moment, my eyes opened wide a bit. He didn't remember...
I keep on forgetting that I erase your memory.
Still kneeling, I hugged him and I patted his back. "Cry. Keep on crying."
"You're very nice, Ni-chan." he replied.
I shook my head. I am not kind at all...
This won't be enough for Fate... I will make you cry more when you grow up...
He held onto my white polo shirt and cried to his heart's content. "They don't understand..." he whispered in a quivering voice. "Only my sister understands..."
"Understand what?" I asked.
He shook his head. "Only my sister understands because she loves me...she and my grandmother..."
I had taught him to shut his heart...
Holding him tighter, he cried even more.
Patting his head, I kissed him on the lips as he watched me in awe. "Ni-ni-chan..." I blinked and looked at him seriously. "I...I understand too, Subaru-kun..." Then, because Subaru had known sadness at such a young age, his thinking was different from most children his age. He tilted his head and smiled, "Thank you for caring about me, Ni-chan..."
Oh, I care for you more than that...
And he fell asleep on my lap. But as I patted him, I gradually erased his memory...
...and my own.
As I slashed my hand through Hokuto's heart, that memory had risen from its slumber inside of my heart. As she tilted back, she whispered, "Subaru..."
'Til the end, she would always protect him unlike any other person.
She was doing what I could never do...
For how can one protect and kill at the same time? This was what I was trying to understand...
Grinning to myself, this perfection in the sakura petals flying about us, I held her out to Subaru. It was part of my jealousy, I knew.
NO ONE would have Subaru...no one but me.
Sadistic, isn't it? That I would hold you out to Subaru, Hokuto? Even you won't stop me, even with your words or your curse...
You will not prevent me from having all... All of Subaru's heart...
In the stillness, Subaru shouted, "HOKUTO-CHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I wasn't grinning because I teasing this time. No, I was smiling because it was finished.
I had broken him completely. There was no point of return from here.
You couldn't see my eyes, Subaru. I wouldn't let you see what you had done to me.
Still holding Hokuto, I lifted my head. And there were tears on my eyes ready to fall.
It is finished... You had seen me kill a little girl and now you see me kill your own sister. Fate has come full circle...
The same boy who had told me thank you for my kindness finally hates me...
I have changed you, Subaru. And you will never smile the way you used to.
No, not for me anymore.
Chapter 9 - Shinjitsu wa... (The truth is...)
There I sat next to him as he slept. He was facing me with the most disturbed expression as he huddled in the shape of a small ball as if he could just become a little kid again. As the white sheets fell on the contours of his body, I just looked at him.
Even...even in your dreams... I must shatter you completely... as you have done with me...
As he blinked his eyes, he saw me immediately there in front of him and looked at himself. Then, he looked around his own room curiously. After that, he again looked at me...
...with eyes as if I would fade away...
I smiled at him, and for a moment, he smiled back at me with the same smile that had always been on his face.
That smile that was only for me...
But I had known...I had blocked his memory again...
I was only deceiving myself-
He then wrapped his warm arms around me as if to ask me that everything wasn't true. That I would never do anything to harm him.
But I couldn't. I just embraced him back without meeting his eyes. And the blood from his hands began to drip onto my back... ...like a sign that I had already been killed by the one I loved the most...
Everything...even those hands, I would let you kill me gladly... I took them into my possession and began to kiss them as he shook his head for me to stop. Licking them, I drank some of his sweet blood.
Subaru began to hold back as he pulled away from me and the blood drops fell onto the sheets and onto his pajamas..
No. I won't let you go. Even if I take you by force!
I pushed him down on the bed as I held his wrists over his head with one hand. With my other hand, I threw my glasses to the floor violently.
The glasses crashed to the ground at the same time that Subaru jerked his head up in pain. Though he tried to wring himself out of my grip, he tried to shout. But it was all futile.
And then, I smiled down at him as I began to tear his top open. Pulling his shirt down his shoulders, I also undid my tie and shirt. Kissing his neck, I tasted those tears from his eyes as I could invisibly hear his shouts of protests.
I can't... I can't stop, Subaru.
I must have everything. Everything! Your body, your voice, your mind, your heart, your soul. And I will kill anyone who will take that away from me.
Even you...
You've taken everything from me. I don't know what else to do and what to think. Though I'll roam around Japan for years to come, I'll never be the same. From this day on, you'll hate me even more. You'll even think that you never changed me. That our bet was nothing more than a passing thing.
But even like this, I will take you... I want everything... Everything that's yours...
Kissing him harder on his chest, he began to cry even harder. And I looked down at those green eyes that looked back at me. He was sobbing but looking straight at me in disbelief. And the clashing war inside of myself came rushing into my hands...my head...my heart. I kissed him on the lips with so much emotion...
I'm trying to make myself hate you... I'm trying to make you hate me even more...
But when we look at each other, it will always be there... The truth that we...
We...
As I pressed harder, he clinged onto my shoulders. Then, I realized what I had really done... In this denial...
He looked up to me in tiredness and held my face. "...you're hurting...me." "Seishirou...you're hurting me..." he repeated again in a weak voice.
In shock, I stopped and looked at the stains around us and held in my arms. "I'm..."
My pride... Though everything had been my fault from the start... I couldn't even apologize to him.
Looking at him, I kissed his forehead and whispered into his ear breathlessly, "Okay...I won't do that again..."
I wanted him. But not like this...
Enough was enough. If I did anything more, I would break him more than he already is...
"Never..." he asked me as I buttoned his pajama top and dressed him. Staring into his eyes, I said, "No matter what...I will always...be here..." Pushing on his heart, I poked it until it hurt him...
Yes, I will always be there. Bad or good, no matter what, I want you to let me stay there...
Because you have scarred me. Holding my nonexistent eye, I looked at the sleeping Subaru and left a dream book and pointed at the word with my bloody hand, 'rape'. The definition read, "When you dream of being raped, you want that person to love you or they are forcing you to love them when you don't want to."
This is me, Subaru.
The person that helped you on the platform... the person whom you saw kill the little girl... the person that kissed you when you weren't looking... the person who was shocked at your gentleness for he had never found anyone like that before... the person that gave you good advice... the person that took advantage of you... the person that started out wanting you to love him... the person ending up having fallen in love with his prey... the person that erased every memory from your mind... the person that killed your spirit... the person that killed your own sister... the person who will never be the same because having met you...
At my worst, or at my best... you let me kiss you... You let me hold you... you were still at my side...
You're the only one I've shown everything to. Everything of myself...
Despite this, Subaru... Selfish as any human want...
I want you to remember me. Whether you hate me, or whether you love me for all time...
Before he would wake up, I hugged him and laid my broken glasses on his pillow. Leaving through the balcony window with one last glance back at that sleeping face, I looked forward to the night sky.
This time... I can't erase your memories.
So, You won't forget me.
I don't want you to...
"Subaru..." I whispered to the wind, "I'm sorry..."
Chapter 10 - Without looking back...
walking through Tokyo, I looked up to his apartment. But I knew, the boy I knew would already be gone. He had already washed everything from his heart and would never move on without looking back on what has happened.
For me, I'm still stuck in time. Despite my smile or my calm exterior, the persistent guilt braces me as hard as when I gripped onto Subaru for dear life.
I looked around and walked on towards no particular direction. I just didn't care anymore.
When I came to Tokyo, I had nothing. I knew no one and there was nothing of particular interest to me. when I came into this world, I had nothing. I had no parents and I didn't care to find them. If they weren't with me, then why should I care about them?
All this time, I had always been by myself. And that was fine by me.
And then years later, I got close to a woman who was supposedly my mother. But I couldn't call her my mother really. She had been a woman who had borne me, and yet, she had loved me like any other man. I wasn't her child at all... But I had to kill her because it was part of the code of the sakurazukamori.
No matter how hard I've tried, I can't even remember anything significant when I was young until Subaru had come. Until he shocked me by crying for the dead people buried under the sakura trees. Others have begged for their life, others have run away from me, but no. Not this boy. He stayed to listen to what I had to say. He stood there in front of me with an aura that was so strong that he believed he couldn't die, though he didn't consciously think that way.
He was not scared of me. Not at all.
Subaru Sumeragi came closer to me when he saw that I had killed that girl in front of him. And he didn't fear for his life. That's how strong he is.
That's why I was so fascinated. Someone interesting had come into my life and I wanted to play with him. He was...tender...and a good challenge...
But he had made think. Ever since I let him go, I remember what I had lost. For me, I had runaway from my feelings and became barren. I didn't want to feel anything. It would making killing so much harder that I had to forget that there was even things such as mercy and compassion existing in the world.
When I met him, all these repressed emotions came out. The calmness I had built inside of myself was disturbed. I was once again able to laugh...to cry...like any other person in the world. You didn't tell me to do anything. Unlike my mother. She asked too much of me. She had selfishly loved me but never thought of the pain of losing her since she entered my life.
And that, that was something that I had a secret anger for.
Subaru was the unexpectedness that gave some sort of meaning to my life. Everything in my life, I planned it out. Went to a good school...associated with powerful people...
But not him. Subaru had always been the exception to everything I had ever thought of or had done in my life.
Because of this boy, I found myself doing things I never thought of... ...like stepping in and taking the hit for him... To lose my eye for someone that was my prey. How my pride had sunk to its lowest then...
In a quiet rage, I was angry with Subaru. He had killed me without me knowing. He had brought everything that I had repressed all these years. And all my feelings and lost memories were coming back to me with a vengeance and stranggled me until I couldn't breathe from the guilt or the depth.
It was then that I laughed to myself and shook my head. I had come back here. I had come back to that cursed sakura tree where we had met many years ago. And, I put my hand on it as my other arm held my trenchcoat. Taking off my shades, I looked up to the branches above me.
You stupid boy. You may have fallen in love with me when you saw me on the platform... but I had loved you ever since you smiled and said, "Hai" to my question of, "Sakura o suki desu ka?"
Putting my shades back on, I walked forward; but old times sake, I took one last glance back at the cherry blossom tree. When I did so, there was someone standing where I had been. I thought it was you because that person had also held that tree like you did years ago...
I thought I saw you smiling back at me wearing one of those weird, yet cute outfits your sister would set out for you.
At this, my heart cringed in deep pain.
Yes, the best memory of you, is of you now, at age 16... ...you smiling at me with an innocent grin...
...it has vanished and will never come back again.
I knew I wasn't stuck in time anymore. Everything that I wanted to save, I knew from the beginning it would lead to nothing. It would be broken before I could even think to change anything.
Without a sound, Subaru, in the end, you had sucked my life without even trying. You had killed me so softly and so throughly though it had been me who had made that bet years ago.
Compared to what I have done...maybe it's nothing compared to your crime...
You have taken everything from me... ...you took my mind and my heart.
But I knew, everything... I knew it was all my fault.
Demo...
It was then that your transparent face faded and I turned to walk without looking back as I said to myself,
"My little boy... has finally grown up."
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