Disclaimer: X not yui's.
When your world falls apart... how do
you survive after that?
Kowashita Gurasu (Broken Glass)
When the fragments of a glass
windowpane fall to the ground, that's when you know the world is broken.
You stare out from outside yourself and wish you were somewhere out down
there in the city. Somewhere on the street, somewhere in the park,
somewhere else...
But not here. Not where you're standing right
now.
Anywhere but
here.
Anywherebuthereanywherebuthereanywherebuthereanywherebuthere...
As
I lifted my head to look at the ceiling, the curtain blew quietly before
me. I couldn't see the window, but I knew it was broken. That was the only
way he could have come in.
He would have to break in. Like when he
ripped my trenchcoat from me to reveal my sleeveless black shirt revealing
my shoulders...
And he knew I'd get the hint...
It would be my
only way for redemption if I ever wanted to get out. I could jump and never
look back. I could run and never come back...
But I couldn't.
As
I was suddenly grabbed violently by those firm hands around my waist, he
started to lift my hands over my head as if he were playing me like an
instrument. With my wrists crossing one another, he pinned me to the cold
glass window with the sheath of a curtain making shh shh noise behind
me. And he was playing me oh so well. Using his mouth so finely, he
was kissing my arms and working his way down to my neck as I scrunched
my eyes in defeat, disgust, and the feeling of wanting to be
wanted. Pushing me against the curtain, there I was plastered against
the window with his warm breath upon my neck as he pulled my shirt
down. Shaking my head, I protested, "Stop...Stop doing this to
me..."
"But your body is telling me otherwise..." he had retorted back
to me.
In your hands, I'm nothing but a melted substance that resembles
a human. I can't fight you. I can never fight you.
No matter what
you've done... I... I can't forget...
At that moment, he turned
me around to face him as I looked to one side unable to meet his eyes.
Then, he gently placed his hands on my cheeks to make my eyes look at his
single one. But defiance was on my face. As he pulled my shirt past my
elbows, he looked at my body for a moment.
Maybe he thought it was
beautiful or something of the sort from the twinkle in his eyes. For you
always had loved beautiful things...
This man had seen me grow up
before his eyes... And yet he was the cause for that abrupt transformation
that I myself cannot comprehend until this day...
How can I say I
feel nothing when I know that as you're standing here, I'm feeling the
happiness and pain that always went along with it? And the pain of the nine
years of separation have come back like a flood over the vessels where my
blood was supposed to flow so freely.
Everything was coming back to
me.
This feeling had never gone away. It was only
repressed.
And as I enclosed my hand on the glass behind me, he pressed
his body next to mine even more as I murmured something in slight pain
while calling his voice. Wrapping my legs around him, he held my waist
and just continued to kiss me everywhere and anywhere he could.
My
black gloves grabbed his body harder and harder...
Was it everything we
could never say? Were we trying to make up for what could never
be?
Then, he just stopped.
With his tie hanging on his shoulders
and his opened shirt staring back at me, I was slowly lifted down to my
feet. After putting me down gently, he just looked deeply at me.
Placing his hands on the sides of my head against the glass sliding
door behind me, we read each other's faces...
We were so close, we
were breathing each other's air...
The sadness was there. Our real
feelings were there...
After nine years, nothing had changed.
Everything was just going stronger. And we knew that.
Are you going
to let it all go down like this, Subaru?
Your sister...? Your
clan...?
What are you doing with a man you were supposed to hate
because he had betrayed you worse than any hell that someone could imagine
or any self violence that causes one to lose one's mind?
The tension
was still there and it was building even more...
Grabbing the back of
my head and holding a bit of my hair, he leaned closer as I tilted my chin
to reach his lips at the same time.
I'll hate you for this,
Seishirou... For making me what I have become...
At that moment, he
asked me a strange question, "What will you ever do without me,
Subaru-kun?"
Strangely enough, it was something I had never thought of.
I always thought of avenging my sister's death... to make up for my
shame of falling for the enemy...
Seishirou was always the
almighty...powerful assassin...
Childish as it was, I always thought
you were invincible... Maybe immortal...
But if you were ever gone,
I...
"I..."
I looked up to meet his eyes. Placing my bleeding
hands on his cheek, I honestly said, "I don't know."
He blinked his
eyes in understanding and nodded. But the nonchalant attitude that he had
admired himself for slipped for a split second as a sad smile descended
upon his face.
"I don't know, either," he answered half in a
laugh.
Then, we stood there looking at one another for a long
while.
I never thought about life without you, Seishirou... But is
that such a bad thing?
As much as I resented everything, there will
always be a place inside of you and me where I know you will take care of
me. In some twisted logic, everything makes sense with our kind of love
there...
So, if that day were to ever come... I really don't know
what I'd
do...
Idon'twanttothinkaboutit.Youcan'tleaveme.There'stoomuchtoloseadsolittletime...
Don't
make me think like this.
Without realizing it, I had grabbed his shirt
between my hands as they stained the white color with the living red dye
coming from them.
Until now...
I began to cry. I sobbed, "Until
now, you still think about me..."
Selfish as it was, he never told
me what to do or what to say or how to act...
Even nine years later, he
thought about how to take care of me...
As he began to pick me up to
bring me to the bed, I didn't care at that moment. This time, I looked him
straight in the eye as he kissed me.
This time, I didn't turn away
or blush, but looked straight at him.
When he made love to me, I just
took pleasure at the moment... Because I knew there would not be another
time...
By the end of this night, we would be enemies for two
opposing sides... As we had always been...
But this time, it
didn't matter. For I knew, whether we were friends, enemies, or
lovers...
...we would be as we had always been...
...like
walking on broken glass...
...until you feel and become those shattered
glass pieces yourself.
So blinded, you couldn't tell the difference
anymore...
--
Author's note: @_@ Okay, this is about as 'yaoi' I
think I can ever write... This just popped into my head and this is what
came out.
