Wo Ai Ni

Tamahome sat on the bow of the ship, looking off in the distance at the night sky. His face was sad, and his thoughts dark.

"I want to be with Miaka so much, but every time we get close, there's always something in our way. Now I can't even be close to her. I have no one to talk now, no one to share my feelings. It's not even the fact that I can't have sex with her. It's hard to talk to her now... And she's all I have left," Tamahome thought and sighed.

He turned out the sound of someone stumbling out on deck. Everyone was suppose to be asleep, so Tamahome found it odd that someone had come out.

Tamahome blinked when saw Tasuki stagger to the edge of the ship and lean over, throwing up. The redhead sunk down and sat on the deck when he was done, looking green and miserable.

"The sea is calm, Tasuki. Why are you throwing up?" Tamahome asked, smiling despite himself. Tasuki could always make him smile.

"Be-Because.... Nuriko....." Tasuki said in a weak voice and stood up urgently, throwing up over the side again.

Tamahome sweatdropped. "Nuriko? Did Nuriko kiss you or something? Is that why you're throwing up?" Tamahome asked.

"Huh? Why would I throw up if Nuriko kissed me? He's not ugly. But he is a sick @#&*%," Tasuki growled, sliding back down on the deck.

"What'd he do, then?" Tamahome asked, thinking it safer to avoid the kissing subject since Tasuki hadn't acted like he expected.

"He started telling me a story about what happens to people's bodies after they drown," Tasuki said and stood up to vomit again.

"Never figured you for a weak stomach," Tamahome chuckled.

"Ah, shut up, ya @#$%&*!!" Tasuki growled and then looked worried. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that," he said in a gentler tone.

Tamahome turned his face. "They told you, huh?" he said softly.

Tasuki hung his head. "I'm so sorry.... I'm so very sorry, Tamahome..." he said in a tone Tamahome didn't think was possible for him to have.

"It's not your fault, Tasuki. But at least... at least my family is in a happier place...." Tamahome said, his voice choking. He started crying before he could stop himself. All the welled up sorrow of the death of his family surfaced suddenly, and he felt he was going to drown in his own tears.

Tamahome felt strong arms wrap around him, pulling him down on the deck. Tasuki was holding him, hugging him. Tamahome couldn't care less who was giving him comfort. He clung tightly to the redhead's body, sobbing into Tasuki's chest. Tasuki rocked him slightly, smoothing his recently cut black hair.

"It's alright, buddy. Just let it out...." Tasuki whispered comfortingly. Tamahome had never thought someone as macho as Tasuki could ever be comforting. But he was, and Tamahome was grateful for it.

They stayed like that for a long moment, until Tamahome calmed down. It almost felt like Tamahome had woken from sleep. He found himself practically in Tasuki's lap, the redhead's arms wrapped around him like you would hold a lover, or a child.

"Uh.... Sorry...." Tamahome said softly, pulling away. Tasuki clung to the raven-haired boy's arms.

"Why are you sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for," Tasuki said seriously.

"Well, I just kinda had a nervous breakdown while sitting on your lap," Tamahome said softly, blushing slightly.

Tasuki shrugged. "No biggie. Are you gonna be okay, now?" Tasuki asked in a concerned voice, still holding Tamahome's arms, preventing the boy from removing himself from Tasuki's lap.

"I... I'm fine," Tamahome lied, staring down at Tasuki's beaded necklace.

"You're a @#$%&* liar. You're a mess. You need to stop being strong for Miaka's sake, and let yourself mourn, Tamahome. If you don't let yourself grieve, it's gonna eat you alive...." Tasuki said somberly. His warm golden eyes were filled with concern.

Tamahome sighed and stared out at the ocean. "Miaka....." he breathed.

Tasuki closed his eyes and reopened them, his face full of something mixed between hurt, jealousy, and concern. "Tamahome... I don't know what's going on exactly between you two, but I know she loves you. And you love her. But she's not here right now. And I know you don't want her to see you upset.... So you can cry on my shoulder whenever you want... Okay?" he said softly, letting Tamahome's arms go.

Tamahome looked up at the beautiful redhead, blinking his lavender eyes in surprise. Tasuki looked at him for a moment before standing up and leaving silently. There was so much in his face that Tamahome didn't understand.

He sat on the deck for a long time, mulling over his emotions. Tamahome had been a mess since he found his family dead, killed by Suboshi. He had hid it for the most part from Miaka, but it was truly eating him alive. He didn't want to break down or be weak in front of the woman he loved. He needed to be strong for her. She was all he had left.

But that left Tamahome with no one to grieve with. Nuriko was so wrapped up with keeping Miaka happy lately, that he wasn't much help to Tamahome. Chiriko was too young, and Mitsukake too reserved. Chichiri was a wonderful person to go to for comfort, but he was so busy with their trip to Hokkan, that he couldn't offer much comfort to Tamahome. Tamahome had figured Tasuki was too obnoxious to be terribly comforting, but there was more to Tasuki than met the eye.

The raven-haired boy sighed and picked himself off the deck, heading back to his room. It was dark, and he stripped off his clothes and collapsed on the bed, his thoughts resting on his littlest sister, Yuiren. He had practically raised her. She was so tiny and sweet, her piping little voice calling him "Big Brudda". She always cried when he left, because she loved Tamahome the best. She was so happy that he was there, cradling her torn and broken body in his arms, right before she died....

A sob escaped Tamahome's mouth, a low-keening howl of grief. He covered his mouth, trying to not let the sounds escape his room. How he missed them. His little brothers and sisters. Each one was precious. They were so young and innocent, and Suboshi robbed them of their lives, all for the sake of vengeance for a crime never committed. And his father. Just when he was well, he was taken from Tamahome....

Tamahome sobbed again, his grief pouring out like a tsunami. Not for the first time since their death, did he wish he could join them. To just not be in this war-torn, pain-filled world, and just be with his loving family.

But there was Miaka.

It almost made him feel worse. He lived for Miaka now. He had spent his life living for his family, and now he lived for his Priestess of Suzaku. He would have slit his own wrists and lie beside his family if it wasn't for Miaka. One day they would be married, and live a prosperous life with many children of their own.

But not now.

Tamahome curled up into a ball, wishing he could go to Miaka for comfort, but it would only grieve her more. It would tear apart her fragile little world should Tamahome lose his strength before her. No. He could not cry before Miaka. He had to let her think he was alright.

But he needed someone.....

Tamahome swallowed, and he remembered Tasuki's offer of comfort. He needed someone to hold him and whisper that it was alright. Would Tasuki truly be willing? Did Tasuki, the self-purported of masculinity, have the emotional capabilities to give Tamahome what he needed?

Tamahome stood up, wearing only a pair of faded pants that he slept in, and crept quietly down then hallway, stopping before Tasuki's door. He wiped his face, hoping no one would come by and ask him what was wrong. Tamahome knocked softly, waiting for answer which never came. He knocked a little harder, and heard a muffled growl.

"I'm not in the mood, Nuriko!!! Now go away!! Go back to drooling over Hotohori!!!" Tamahome heard Tasuki snarl.

Tamahome blinked and thought it best to not decipher that statement. Too many possibilities. "Tasuki? It's Tamahome," Tamahome said flatly.

"Tama?" Tasuki asked, his voice instantly softening. After a couple seconds, the door was flung open by Tasuki, who had something of a chagrined look on his face. He also wore nothing but a pair of sleeping pants.

Tamahome looked down, chewing on his bottom lip. "Hey........" he said softly, feeling instantly foolish for coming to Tasuki of all people for comfort. Tamahome felt fingers go beneath his chin and force his face upward, and he was forced to meet Tasuki's golden eyes which were filled with concern.

"You've been crying....." Tasuki said in a softer voice than Tamahome had ever heard the fiery redhead use before.

"I....." Tamahome began, before his body betrayed him, and tears slipped down his face.

"Come in," Tasuki said gently, leading Tamahome by the arm inside and closing the door softly.

Tamahome turned his face. Tasuki was the guy he arm-wrestled with and played silly, stupid macho games with. The kind of guy you'd go out drinking with. Tasuki was the sort of buddy you wanted to hang out with when you were in the mood for raunchy fun. Why was he here?

"It's gonna be alright, Tama...." Tasuki said gently, standing beside Tamahome. More tears filled Tamahome's eyes at the statement he needed to hear. He no longer cared what anyone thought of him. He just turned and hugged Tasuki, burying his face in the redhead's bare shoulder.

"I.... I know how gay this sounds, and please don't take it like that, but I need to be held tonight, Tasuki. I can't be alone. All I do is think about it when I'm alone. I need to be with someone..... And I can't let Miaka see me like this..... And she won't let me touch her anyways......" Tamahome sobbed.

Tamahome almost shuddered with relief when he felt Tasuki's strong arms wrap around his body. "It's alright, Tamahome. You need to be held by someone tonight? I can do that...... I'd be happy to do that," Tasuki whispered. It was almost like he was a different person. Could it be that Tasuki covered a soft interior with macho bravado?

Tamahome was silent, grateful for Tasuki's uncharacteristic compassion. Or was it uncharacteristic? Tamahome hadn't known Tasuki all that long. Could he even pretend he knew what made the mountain bandit tick?

Tasuki turned out his lamp and the room was cast in darkness, and only the barest hint of moonlight crept in the small window. Tamahome still clung to young man, like a little boy would his mother. Tasuki said nothing as he gently led Tamahome to the bed, where the two young men clung to each other as they lay down. Tamahome lay in Tasuki's embrace, resting his head on the redhead's shoulder. His warm breath hit Tasuki's bare neck.

"So..... you want me to start out with a blowjob? Or go straight for pounding your @$$?" Tasuki said after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence.

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

Tamahome stiffened in Tasuki's arms, looking frantic. Tasuki began to chuckle, not letting Tamahome go, even though the boy was struggling. "Kidding, Tama. It was just a joke. And a bad one at that. Sorry. Just trying to make you smile," Tasuki sighed.

Tamahome relaxed, looking into Tasuki's golden eyes, and seeing nothing but sympathy, concern, and a little mischief. The raven-haired beauty cracked a small smile, chuckling softly. "Alright, you got me..... It was tasteless, but funny. I should expect nothing less from you," Tamahome said.

"Are you trying to say I'm tasteless, Tamahome?"

"But funny."

"Well, as long as I'm funny, that's alright. But don't forget good-looking, intelligent, fashionable, charming, generous-"

"Wait. I thought you were Tasuki. I'm sorry, Hotohori. I thought you were still in Konan. I'm sorry to have disturbed you."

The two young men began giggling at their fellow seishi's expense. "I know his seishi name is Hotohori, and I know his real name is Emperor Saihitei, but are you sure he doesn't have another name?" Tasuki asked with a fang-filled grin.

Tamahome giggled. "Yeah. Narcissus."

"Oh. I thought it was Asshole, but Narcissus works for me.......... Who's Narcissus, by the way? Why's it so funny? Is he someone I know?"

Tamahome began to outright laugh, his troubles temporarily forgotten with Tasuki's quirky humor to keep him occupied. "Narcissus is a guy who was so in love with himself, he got turned into a flower. And Asshole is Nakago. Don't you know anything?" Tamahome laughed.

"Sure. I know that Nuriko's gay, Hotohori's stuck on himself, Miaka's a pig, Chichiri's weird, Chiriko's smart, Mitsukake's got a broomstick shoved up his @$$, and you're sad."

Tamahome frowned at the mention of himself being sad, and looked away from Tasuki, silent again.

"I'm sorry. I just ate my foot up to the knee, didn't I?" Tasuki asked quietly, squeezing Tamahome gently. Tamahome was a little taller than Tasuki, and a little stockier, but he suddenly looked so fragile in Tasuki's arms.

"No... It's alright....." Tamahome sighed, and pressed his cheek against Tasuki's shoulder.

"Do ya wanna cry again? You can, ya know. I cry when I'm sad," Tasuki said gently.

"You?"

"Yeah, me. I'm a regular crybaby...."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"No, I'm not. I cried over ReiRei.... I cried long and hard. And Kouji was there for me. So it wasn't so bad..... And I cried long and hard over Hakorou-san, my old boss. That's why I didn't join Miaka at first. Because I was still so sad over his death, and he wanted me to be the leader...."

Tamahome looked up, and saw understanding etched on Tasuki's face. Tamahome knew that most of the seishi had lost someone important to them before Miaka came. Except for Chiriko, who was still so young. But he thought that Tasuki was like Miaka and Chiriko, having never suffered a loss before.

"Was ReiRei your girlfriend?" Tamahome asked gently, curious.

"She was my.... like my little sister. I didn't know she was in love with me until too late. I tried to save her, but she was an inch from my grasp.... An inch.... If I had been a second faster....." Tasuki said, his face suddenly a mask of pain, his voice choking.

Tamahome hugged his fellow seishi back, reaching up to stroke Tasuki's red hair in comfort. It was soft. As silky as a woman's. Tamahome shook the thought from his head, surprised it had even entered.

"So you do know what it's like, don't you, Tas-chan?" Tamahome said softly.

Tasuki wiped the tears that had sprung from his eyes. "See? I'm a crybaby. When I was little, the other kids in my village used to pick on me because I cried so much. But I'm a man now, and it doesn't matter what anyone says. I cry when I need to. It makes me feel better. And since I couldn't give ReiRei my love, I could at least give her my tears....." he said, his voice serious. There was a real person beneath the loud, obnoxious bravado. A person with a soft and kind heart.

Tamahome reached up and gently wiped Tasuki's tears away. He held Tasuki to him tightly, wondering who was giving who comfort now. "Does it ever go away? The pain, I mean....." Tamahome asked idly.

"No. But it gets so you can tolerate it. It'll always hurt, Tama-chan, but you'll be able to live with it. I'm sorry for getting like this. Aren't I suppose to be comforting you?" Tasuki asked, a feeble grin splitting his face, his fangs peeking out beneath his upper lip.

"It's alright. We can comfort each other....." Tamahome smiled, holding Tasuki tightly. Anyone who would walk in here, would think they were lovers. But Tamahome didn't want to think of appearances. Appearances were always so deceiving. Tasuki was a good friend, nothing more. Tamahome didn't even want to think of the fact that he was snuggling up to another man. For the night, it didn't matter.

Silence overtook the pair again, and Tamahome felt the comforting feeling of Tasuki's hand stroking his hair, his back, his face. Tamahome's hands massaged slow circles on Tasuki's bare back, and in the back of his mind he noted that Tasuki's skin was softer than Miaka's, as if he took better care of it than she did. Under normal circumstances, when Tamahome was a little less vulnerable, he would never allowed himself to be lying in bed with another man, half naked, and allowing the man to caress him, and even caressing back.

It was an odd, vulnerable night, perhaps for them both. Tamahome so desperately wanted human comfort, that it didn't matter that the one comforting him was a man. All that mattered was that Tasuki was his friend, and that Tasuki was being kind to him. The night passed in heavy silence, both men letting their pain ebb out, and be softened by the other. They lay in each other's arms, caressing each other as lovers would, but there was no sex involved. Neither man was in the mood for it, and all they wanted was the touch and feel of a sympathetic human being.

Without even speaking, and with the comfort of his friend, Tamahome was able to close his eyes without thinking of the horrible deaths of his family. He felt warm and content, safe even, if only for the night. And as he drifted off to sleep, a smile graced his lips, and his thoughts focused on the one he loved.

Tasuki lay awake still, caressing Tamahome gently, his fingers sliding down the curves of Tamahome's body, careful not to let his hands wander to the parts of Tamahome's body he wanted to touch, but never would. He would not violate his friend's trust. Tasuki smiled softly at the sleeping raven-haired boy, his hands softly tracing the lines of Tamahome's handsome face. Tears still stained Tamahome's pale flesh, and on impulse, Tasuki kissed the salty fluid away.

Tamahome stirred slightly, but didn't wake, much to Tasuki's relief. The boy was smiling gently. Tasuki swallowed, and was unable to resist himself, and leaned over to place his lips against Tamahome's, drawing the sleeping seishi into a kiss.

It was brief, but sweet. Tasuki adored the soft feel of Tamahome's pink lips against his, the taste of the forbidden fruit, the feel of his mouth. It left Tasuki breathless as he drew away, tears slipping down his cheeks. To taste what he could never have, but would always want.....

Tamahome was still asleep, and he smiled wider at the kiss he unknowingly shared with Tasuki. "Wo ai ni, Miaka....." Tamahome whispered in his sleep, dreaming of his Miko.

Tasuki swallowed, his tears still slipping down his face, and his voice choked. After a few minutes, he regained his voice, and spoke once more before letting himself fall asleep.

"Wo ai ni, Tamahome," Tasuki choked out, the simple, short statement summing up the intense feeling he never thought he'd experience for another human being. It seemed unfair that something so short could explain something that burned so complex in his heart. Almost as unfair as the fact that Tamahome would never say it back to him.

But it was said, it was done, and it was time for Tasuki to move on.