TITLE: The Little MerGourry

AUTHOR: Dianyx

EMAIL: smog_moon@hotmail.com

PART: 1/1

WARNINGS: m/m smoochies, OOC silliness, too many cameos and me inserting myself into a fic again.

DISCLAIMER: The story, "The Little Mermaid" belongs to Hans Christian Anderson…no matter what Disney says. Slayers and all the other references aren't mine. Glamourcat is a real life friend. And I only own me...no matter what my dog says.

SUMMARY: Oops I did it again…ugh! After that joke I need to take shower.

DISTRIBUTION: Miracle-san, LN Tora, my page *collapses in laughter* and Fanfiction.net. Anyone else, mail me with the link to the page

NOTES: If these are starting to piss you off, just tell me. This is sort of a sequel to Zelderella. But you don't have to read it to understand it…I hope. This fic is dedicated to butterknife. Your feedback inspired this and yes I did listen to my TV this time. :)

The Little MerGourry

*The scene opens up to an underwater view. Sitting on a rock is Dianyx, except she has a long red mermaid tail and is wearing a black tee shirt with the words "Boy Band" written in jagged white letters on the front. This time she's reading PlayBish: The Metal Claw Addition*

Dianyx: *not paying any attention to the audience* Oooo! Vincent... *turns a page* Folken...

*A Monkees lunchbox comes flying through the water and baps Dianyx on the head.*

Dianyx: Itai no da!

*Glamourcat swims in and retrieves the lunchbox. She has a blue mermaid tale and a blue t-shirt with the letters "GC" written in black glitter. Glamourcat picks up the box and examines it.*

Glamourcat: Your head put a dent in Tork-sama's face!

Dianyx: Then you shouldn't have hit me so smegging hard with it! Why did you do that for anyway?

Glamourcat: Because the story's started and you're not paying attention. *swims off-stage, taking the lunchbox with her.*

Dianyx: But you could have found a gentl...Smeg! *finally notices the audience* Hi all! And welcome to my second fractured faery tale. After the overwhelming response to Zelderella, I've decided to do another faery tale. I'm really grateful for all of your feedback…both of you!

Glamourcat: *offstage* Ugh! Your stupid head's made my lunchbox lose all of its collector value!

Dianyx: *ignoring her* To continue, once upon a time there was a magical kingdom under the sea. A kingdom inhabited by merpeople. The king of the merpeople had many children, including the eldest and heir, named Lina. But this story is about the youngest child, Gourry.

*Gourry swims on stage. His tail is a few shades darker than his golden hair*

Gourry: *waving to the audience* Hi!

*Dianyx is staring at Gourry's bare chest like it was a hot fudge sundae, with Dr. Mike's Rich Chocolate ice cream and real hot fudge instead of Hershey syrup.*

Dianyx: Duh...

Gourry: *waving his hand in front of Dianyx' face* Is anything wrong?

*Glamourcat swims onstage*

Glamourcat: She gets like this...a lot. *hands Gourry a black t-shirt and he puts it on*

Dianyx: *snapping out of her trance* Smeghead! You ruined it!

Glamourcat: You're two pages into the story and you're not even done with the intro. Get on with it!

Dianyx: Ah turn blue!

Glamourcat: *gestures to her tail* Halfway there. *swims offstage*

Dianyx: *back in narrator mode* While the other merpeople were content to rule the ocean, Gourry's heart looked toward the surface world.

Gourry: Really? That doesn't sound at all like me.

Dianyx: Trust me. And get your cute butt up there!

Gourry: But I like it here!

Dianyx: There's ice cream in the surface world.

*Gourry swims up to the surface in a flash.*

Dianyx: I knew that would work, *follows after Gourry*

*When she surfaces, Gourry's sitting on a rock looking longingly at the land.*

Gourry: Maybe you're right. I do want more. And maybe I'll find it there.

Dianyx: *gets on the rock and puts her hand over Gourry's mouth.* Whatever you do DON'T SING! I'm just barely keeping Disney from suing me.

*Gourry looks at her strangely.*

Dianyx: How I should I have known that you couldn't do that with a gargoyle? But anyway, don't worry about it. *pats him on the head…not that one, hentai!* Everything will turn out all right. I'm the biggest Fluffernutter and WAFF Queen that ever existed. You should know by now. You've read my fics.

Gourry: No, I haven't.

Dianyx: *looks put out* Well you should! *dives back into the water*

*The scene shift to the throne room of a castle. Dianyx walks onstage in a human form. She walks up to Zelgadis who's sitting Indian-style and reading an issue of Sandman. She jabs him with her foot. The chimera looks up at her and then turns his attention to the comic.*

Dianyx: *muttering to herself * I still have scales stuck to me…bloody makeup department...*notices the audience* You're here early! Well, there was another kingdom where Lord Rezo ruled as regent for young Prince Zelgadis.

Zelgadis: *not looking up* Why him?

Dianyx: Because I've got more embarrassing photos to blackmail him with. Since all I need is a filler character that will behave himself, he's the perfect choice.

Zelgadis: *finally looking up* And he's supposed to hand the throne over to me?

Dianyx: Of course, baka! I'm blackmailing him! After your marriage to the Princess, there will be a big hoity-toity ceremony where you will be crowned king.

Zelgadis: Princess?

*Amelia runs onstage and mega-glomps Zelgadis*

Zelgadis: You've got to be kidding me.

Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis, we're ENGAGED!

Dianyx: Sounds more like a prison sentence than an arranged marriage, doesn't it?

Zelgadis: Why me?

Dianyx: Because it's fun! And if you showed up for rehearsals, you'd be prepared.

Zelgadis: Get me out of this! *gesturing at Amelia and her death grip.*

Dianyx: Look, there's someone doing something unjust *points offstage*

Amelia: Where? *runs offstage in the direction Dianyx pointed*

*Dianyx grabs Zelgadis and drags him offstage in the opposite direction. When they come back onstage, the scene has shifted to a seaport. Dianyx leads the chimera to the nearest ship. Once on board they both breathe a sigh of relief and the ship sets sail.*

Amelia: *still onshore* Mr. Zelgadis, wait! You accidentally left me behind! *falls off the pier into the water*

*back on the ship*

Zelgadis: Where are we?

Dianyx: Aboard your flagship named…

Zelgadis: This better not lead to a Star Trek joke.

Dianyx: *blows a razzberry...doesn't that sound indecent?* Just ruin the moment for me, will you?

Zelgadis: It's what I'm here for.

Dianyx: Remember who's the one with the power to decide whether or not you marry Amelia?

Zelgadis: *sarcastically* Continue, oh great one.

Dianyx: Tonight is your birthday and there shall be a party aboard this ship to celebrate. Rezo will make the announcement that you and Amelia are engaged and will be married within two weeks.

Zelgadis: If tonight's my birthday, what did you get me for a present?

Dianyx: This story.

Zelgadis: Can I return it for a Playstation 2?

Dianyx: You haven't even finished the story yet!

Zelgadis: Neither have you.

*Dianyx facefaults*

Dianyx: Well this is your party. Go and mingle!

Zelgadis: *to the audience* Great! Not only is she resorting to cheap jokes, she's also trying to write me as OOC.

Dianyx: Which sounds better Graywords-Saillune or Greywars-Seyruun?

Zelgadis: *running away* I'm mingling!

Dianyx: I'm so smegging evil. *leans on the rail of ship and looks at the water*

*Xelloss walks up to the author/narrator. Before she realizes he's there, his fingers are up in the bunny ears position at the back of her head.*

Dianyx: What are you doing here? *takes a swipe at his hand* Stop that! Your part doesn't come up till later.

Xelloss: It's a party with free food. I was trying to beat Lina to the buffet table.

Dianyx: Failed miserably, did you?

Xelloss: *trying to change the subject* So where is our chimera?

Dianyx: I made him mingle. He is the prince and this is his party. That boy is too antisocial.

Xelloss: Why don't you ever pair him up with me?

Dianyx: *sweatdropping* Because I don't like you that much.

*Dianyx ducks the Monkees lunchbox that comes flying through the air from offstage. The lunchbox hits Lina who is still at the buffet-table.*

Lina: *rubbing her head* That hurts!

*Glamourcat, now in human form, walks onstage and picks up the lunchbox*

Glamourcat: *assessing the damage* Hmm, a dent on Mike's face...even chipped the green paint on that stupid hat...but you straightened the dent in Tork-sama's face! Thanks! *walks offstage*

*The rest facefault. Lina goes back to eating at the buffet.*

Xelloss: But what about me? When do I get a story with Zel? I can see it now. I'd hold him close and whisper his name romantically *superdeforms and hearts appear around his head*

*Dianyx watches this and gets more and more squicked.*

Dianyx: NO WAY! This is MY story! So the only one that's going to whisper Zel's name romantically is Gourry.

A Voice Behind Them: Does this mean I get a crossover?

*Xelloss and Dianyx turn around to see a young man with short spiky blond hair. A black lightning tattoo streaks across one side of his face. Although he's standing in one place, he's still slightly bouncing.*

Dianyx: Wrong Zel!

Zell Dincht: But I still wouldn't mind a story!

Dianyx: You'll have to wait until I finish the game. I don't know who to pair you with!

*Zell superdeforms and his eyes are big and pleading*

Dianyx: *sighs* Okay, I'll amend that statement. The only ones who will whisper the name "Zel" will be Gourry and...*looks at Zell questioningly and he whispers something in her ear*...and Seifer.

*A still superdeformed Zell grabs Dianyx. She kneels down to his level. He whispers something else in her ear*

Dianyx: *confused* And Squall? *Zell whispers again* And Irvine? *He whispers again* And Laguna? *He's about to whisper again but she stops him* Geesh! You're such a little slut!

*Zell, still chibi, starts to pout. Dianyx picks him up and gives him a hug. Halfway through the hug, he turns back to normal size.*

Dianyx: *letting go* You may be a little slut but you're my little slut!

*Zell does his after battle victory dance, smiles at the audience and gives the thumbs up. He bounces offstage like a Tigger on crack.*

Xelloss: Ladies and gentlemen, living proof that there's more to hotdogs than just meat.

Dianyx: *goes chibi and sparklies appear around her head* He grabbed my butt!

Xelloss: *facefaults* What is it with you and goofy blonds!?

*Dianyx is about to say something but the ship pitches and rocks like it's hit something.*

Xelloss: That better not be an iceberg.

Dianyx: HEY! My sense of humor is more original than that!

*They look over the side of the ship and see that the ship has hit a Starbucks. Yeah, a semi-underwater Starbucks. Even Merpeople need their caffeine fixes. The Mazoku and the author run to find a lifeboat. Only to find that most have been taken. They bump into Zelgadis who's staring longingly at the Starbucks.*

Zelgadis: French Roast Espresso! Do you know how crappy the coffee is in a typical faery tale kingdom?

Dianyx: If you don't move your butt, you're going to drown!

*She tries to pull Zelgadis away from the railing. He pulls away from her and falls over the side*

Dianyx: As if I didn't see that coming. Come on *to Xelloss* I just created another lifeboat over there *points offstage.*

*They go offstage and the scene changes to the middle of the ocean. Xelloss and Dianyx row onstage. They come across Zelgadis who's clinging to a rock.*

Zelgadis: Get me out of here!

Dianyx: Well you should have worn a lifejacket!

Zelgadis: You should have written some into this story!

*Dianyx sweatdrops and grabs live preserver ring. After stopping to read that it says S.S. Minnow and groaning at the bad joke, she tosses it at Zelgadis. Since she throws like a wimp, it smacks him in the head. He lets go of the rock and sinks into the sea.*

Xelloss: Now that was an...oopsie!

Dianyx: Maybe...maybe not?

Xelloss: *groans* Look, oh Queen of the Ellipses, stop the lame foreshadowing!

Dianyx: Shut up and row or you're ending up with Amelia again.

*Xelloss grits his teeth and starts to row, muttering something that sounds like "Mazoku abuse"*

*The scene changes yet again. Enough to make you dizzy, isn't it? This time, the shore is in plain site. A grouping of large flat rocks is about a hundred feet offshore. An unconscious Zelgadis is tossed onto on of the rocks. Gourry quickly follows and sits next to him.*

*The merman looks down at the chimera lying next to him. Gourry's fingers explore Zelgadis' face.*

Gourry: I don't know if you can hear me but you are the most beautiful thing that I've ever found.

*Gourry pulls himself closer to the still unconscious Zelgadis and kisses him. Halfway through the kiss, Zelgadis' arms wrap around Gourry. The blond, realizing that Zelgadis has woken up, breaks the embrace and jumps into the ocean.*

Zelgadis: *sitting up* What was that? *the scene fades to black*

End of Act One

Intermission

*The scene opens to a set similar to that of Hollywood Squares. All the squares are taken up by various bishounen. The camera pans to Dianyx in the host seat. Glamourcat and Sylphiel are the contestants*

Dianyx: *to the audience* Hello everyone and welcome to Yaoiwood Squares. To make this short, it's basically tic-tac-toe but with bishounen. Now Glam-chan, you get the first choice.

Sylphiel: HEY! Don't we have to flip a coin or something?

Dianyx: Flip this. *biffs Sylphiel on the head with her magic wand* I don't like you, you sop. *mutters* And besides Glam can beat me up.

Glamourcat: I heard that! I pick Dark Schneider.

*The camera pans to the center square but the sorcerer is nowhere to be found.*

Dark Schneider: HELL YA! OH YOJI!

*The camera pans up to Kudo Yoji's square. At first it appears that no one is their either until a pair of sunglasses flies out from behind the desk.*

Dianyx: *sweatdrops* Well, it seems that DS has found the Weiss Kreuz cast. Why don't you pick another square?

Glamourcat: Okay. I think. Well, I choose Gourry Gabriev.

*The camera pans to Gourry's square which is in the far left bottom corner. Zelgadis is sitting in Gourry's lap and there's some serious snuggling going on.*

Sylphiel: Dear Gourry!? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *starts laughing insanely*

Glamourcat: I'm surprised that didn't happen any sooner.

Dianyx: We're not going to get anywhere with this. Oh what the hell, might as well enjoy it. *waves the wand and two sets of binoculars appear*

*Glamourcat grabs the binoculars. She and Dianyx watch the squares*

Dianyx: *to the audience but without putting down the binoculars* The game doesn't matter, folks. Kinda like the points and Colin Mochrie's hair on Whose Line Is It Anyway.

*Fade to black.*

Dianyx: *a voice in the darkness* Oi! I didn't know that a big guy like Mitsukake could get in that position!

End Of Intermission

Act Two

*The scene opens up to some sort of underwater cave. Dianyx, in mermaid form, and Gourry are swimming through it.*

Dianyx: *narrator mode, kinda like smug mode but smarmier* A week passed since the rescue and all Gourry could think about was the man he rescued.

Gourry: Well he was cute, heavy but cute!

Dianyx: *ignoring him* It ate away at the merman. So much that he knew that he'd die of a broken heart if he didn't do something about it. So much so that he considered a truly desperate measure. Wait a bloody minute! *pulls out the script and reads it* He considered it? How smegging out of character is that!?!

Gourry: Huh?

Dianyx: Exactly! What kind of cold medication was I on when I came up with this crap!? *pulls out a pen, scratches out that line, and writes a new one* That's better. Gourry was clueless but was guided by the brilliant narrator to go seek the help of the Sea-Mazoku.

Gourry: You're getting close becoming a Mary Sue!

Dianyx: *smiles evilly at Gourry* That sounds like a good idea. And you know what Mary Sues are famous for...

*Gourry meeps and swims speedily down the cave.*

Dianyx: *to the audience* Well I had to get the scene to move somehow! *follows Gourry*

*They arrive in the cave. Shelves, filled with strange bottles, boxes and books, cover the walls. In the middle of the cave is a round table covered with a purple tablecloth. On the table is a pale pink tea set. Xelloss, with a suspiciously familiar octopus tail, is floating next to the table having a cup of tea.*

Xelloss: You're late.

Dianyx: And you're ripping off Disney.

Xelloss: Only if I sing.

Dianyx: Since I've only watched the dub, I'll ask you not to.

*Offstage Glamourcat moos. Sort of an in-joke.*

Dianyx: Well that was unnecessary

Xelloss: Very. Care for a cup of tea? *gestures to the teapot*

*Dianyx is about to pour herself a cup when a huge tentacle comes out of the spout. It wraps itself around Gourry's throat and tries to strangle him.*

Dianyx: Well that's the closest that I'll come to writing a tentacle fic.

Xelloss: *sweatdrops* So why are you here? *muttering* As if I didn't know…

*Gourry frees himself.*

Gourry: I'm in love with Zel!

Xelloss: Well, this is a Dianyx fic. But what do you want me to do about it?

Gourry: Huh? *looks confused*

Dianyx: According to the story, you have to turn him into a human.

Xelloss: *to the audience* This is my chance! If I get rid of Gourry then Zelgadis will be mine!

Dianyx: *whaps Xelloss* You do realize that we can hear everything you can say?

Xelloss: Ummm

Dianyx: Just do the spell!

Xelloss: But if you're the all-powerful author, why don't you do it?

Dianyx: And miss out on all of this wonderful waste of kilobytes?

Xelloss: I will turn him into a human on two conditions. One, he must give up his voice. Two, if he does not receive a kiss from Zelgadis in one week, his body will turn into sea-foam and he will die.

Dianyx: Euuww. Sea-foam? I should have stuck with the Disney version. A lawsuit and you singing is better than this. Well Gourry, it's your choice.

Gourry: Yes. I want to be with him in anyway possible.

Dianyx *aaawwwws and ruffles Gourry's hair* That's so cute.

Xelloss: Here *hands Gourry a flask* Go to the surface and drink this. It will turn you human.

*Gourry takes the flask and swims off*

Xelloss: Now about that tea…

*The tentacle pops out of the teapot. Dianyx grabs the lid to the teapot and shuts the tentacle in the teapot*

Dianyx: A tentacle?

Xelloss: What were you expecting? A Door Mouse?

Dianyx: I can hear the Disney lawyers sharpening their axes now.

*Scene Change: A now human…and nekky (^o^) Gourry is lying unconscious on the beach.*

Dianyx: *walks in human form onto the beach* Gourry took the potion and became human. *looks at the nekky Gourry* Ooooo! *in her worst Mel Brooks impersonation* It's good to be a narrator.

*The lunchbox goes flying through the air again. It connects with Dianyx's head. But she still doesn't notice.*

Glamourcat: *walking onstage* WAKE UP! Geesh! You have a one-track mind!

Dianyx: Actually it's got four tracks: food, caffeine, computers, and sex. Yes, I am pathetic. But it's fun!

Glamourcat: Before I go, one question. Yaoiwood Squares?

Dianyx: It seemed funny at the time.

*Glamourcat walks off, shaking her head. Zelgadis walks on the beach. He stops and watches Glam walk off, giving her a weird look.*

Zelgadis: *to Dianyx* It's about time you showed up! I still have water in my ears.

Dianyx: And here I thought you enjoyed your little adventure.

*Zelgadis blushes bright red. He then notices Gourry.*

Zelgadis: Who's this? And is he…?

Dianyx: What do you think?

*Zelgadis and Dianyx ogle at Gourry. As Gourry starts to wake up, Dianyx shakes herself*

Dianyx: Whoa! Umm Zel?

Zelgadis: mmmmmmm

Dianyx: *right in the chimera's ear* WAKEY! WAKEY! I've got a nice biscuit for you!

Zelgadis: Why do you have to yell?

Dianyx: Because John Cleese did.

Zelgadis: *ignores her and goes over to the now awake Gourry* Are you all right?

*Gourry tries to speak but can't*

Zelgadis: You poor thing. Here let me help.

*Zelgadis holds out his hand. Gourry accepts with a sweet smile. When the blond is standing, Zelgadis helps him wrap a piece of sailcloth around his nakedness.*

Dianyx: Gee Zel, can you go any slower? *snickers* I didn't think stone could turn that shade of red.

*Dianyx watches Zelgadis help Gourry walk toward the castle and the scene fades to black.*

*The next scene opens with Dianyx leaning on a wooden door, somewhere within the castle.*

Dianyx: Six days passed. While the castle bustled to hurry the wedding preparations, Zelgadis spent his days showing Gourry the wonders of dry land. *sighs* Not that! Notice I used the word "dry"! *mutters* Bunch of sickos. *continues* Zelgadis fell more and more for the silent blond. But Gourry's sweet nature and warm smiles made this an easy task. That and Gourry's got a great butt. I've got the screencaps to prove it! But I digress...a lot. Soon the last day of the week was at hand and Gourry had not been kissed. It seemed that Zelgadis was to be married and Gourry was to be sea-foam. What a bloody waste of a good bish!

*Dianyx opens the door and walks into a large hall where Zelgadis and Amelia's wedding ceremony is taking place. Dianyx finds a seat next to Xelloss and sits down.*

Xelloss: Well the sun will set and Gourry will be no more. Not only will he be married to a loony, he'll also lose his friend. I wonder who will comfort our chimera?

Dianyx: *bops Xelloss with the magic wand* I knew carrying that around would be a good idea. The day isn't over yet.

Xelloss: We'll see.

*The wedding ceremony continues. Dianyx naps while Xelloss throws paper airplanes at the priest.*

Priest: Mawwage! Mawwage is what bwings us together. Mawwage, that bwessid awangement, that dweam within a dweam…

*Xelloss shoots Dianyx a weird look*

Dianyx: I just couldn't resist!

*The priest goes on until he asks THE question.*

Priest: Amewea, do you take this man to be your husband?

Amelia: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! *keeps going on until Dianyx walks up and smacks her out of it.*

*The priest asks Zelgadis the question.*

Zelgadis: *with a pause* I do...not. *he turns to Gourry who is standing as his best man* I don't even know your name but in this one week you've made me happier than anyone I've known. *kisses him as the sun sets. *

*The kiss ends but they stay in each other's arms*

Gourry: I love you.

Zelgadis: I love you too, Gourry. I've loved you ever since you saved me and kissed me on that rock.

Xelloss: *to Dianyx* YOU TOLD HIM!?!

Dianyx: No, I didn't !

Zelgadis: I'm the smartest character in the series. I figured it out on my own.

Xelloss: *looking crestfallen* But why didn't you say anything?

Zelgadis: Because it's fun to mess with your minds. And if I saw it through I'd get Gourry.

Gourry: Huh? I don't get it.

*Zelgadis whispers something in Gourry's ear.*

Gourry: I get that! *grabs Zelgadis and carries him out of the room*

Dianyx: And they lived happily ever after.

Xelloss: That's it!? That ending was lame!

Dianyx: My two fave bishies are a couple and I'm out of jokes and caffeine. It's a good as place to end it as any. Night all!

*Fade to black*

The End

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