It is a bleak (future/past/present/this afternoon).  Mankind, having foolishly squandered all of Earth’s precious (oil/water/bananas/teeny weeny string bikinis), has been forced to relocate to (the moon/another planet/another planet’s moon/the centre of the Earth/Wisconsin).  Once there, something horrible happens (Choose one):

Genetic scientists, attempting to create (viral weaponry/the perfect clone soldier/the cure for cancer/the cure for the blues), instead unleash a horrible monster, perhaps several.  These monsters then proceed to kill people, as monsters are often prone to do.

A group of (miners/explorers/space spelunkers/teeny weeny string bikinis) ventures into a dark and mysterious place, perhaps a cave.  Through some foolish and/or naïve action, they unleash a horrible monster, perhaps several.  These monsters then proceed to kill people, as monsters are often prone to do.

For absolutely no reason at all, a horrible monster appears, perhaps several.  These monsters then proceed to kill people, as monsters are often prone to do.

Scene 1 – Interior, Night  
A genetics lab on the moon of some planet.  Wait, I guess we have to give it a name.  How about Telex?  Copyrighted, you say?  Okay, how about Deus?  I think it’s Latin or Greek or something, so it will make us look smart.  Paul W. Anderson will think we’re geniuses!  What does it mean?  How the hell should I know?  Who do I look like, Paul T. Anderson?!  So anyway, this scene is inside a genetics lab on the moon of Planet Deus.  Three scientists, who each have extremely insignificant roles and will therefore remain nameless, are working on some sort of experiment.  They’re all dressed in lab coats, and to be honest there’s really nothing more to say about them, other than that it would be a waste of time since they’re about to be killed anyway.

SCIENTIST #1
There, I’m almost done.  Soon, our five years of work will be complete, and mankind will have finally unlocked the mystery of the film “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo”.  With that out of the way, we’ll be ready to move onto our next project: building the perfect clone soldier.

SCIENTIST #2
You know, I’ve always wondered why we would need to create an army of clone soldiers.  I mean, we’re just a small colony of humans way out here at Planet Deus, which as far as we know, is completely uninhabited, not even by monsters.  Who would we be fighting against?

SCIENTIST #3
Would you two knock off the exposition and get back to work?  I want to finish this up so we can go spelunking in that horribly terrifying cave tonight.

As the scientists return to work, we switch to a POV from the monster.  Wait, did I already say that there was a monster?  No?  Well, there’s a monster somewhere in the room, and it’s looking at them.  I don’t know how it got there, use your imagination!  But make sure the camera is all shaky, and kind of spinning laterally as it moves.  Everyone knows that monsters always walk while jumping up and down and spinning their head around.

SCIENTIST #2
What was that?

SCIENTIST #3
What?

SCIENTIST #2
I thought I heard a monster jumping around.

SCIENTIST #3
Oh, come on!  You just said yourself that there were no monsters out here in the exciting reaches of space.

SCIENTIST #2
I suppose you’re right.

We switch back to the monster’s POV.  In addition to all the spinning and bobbing, it’s now viewing them in (night vision/thermal vision/radar/Terminator-esque computer vision/teeny weeny string bikinis).  As the actors portraying the scientists futilely attempt to realistically have a conversation in pseudo-science buzz-word babble, the monster rushes out from the shadows and into the open.  Seeing it, the scientists shriek and run around in a laughably unsuccessful attempt to escape.  This is the point where we insert some horribly inappropriate comic relief, ideally in the form of a pun or something similar, before cutting to the opening titles.

SCIENTIST #2
(While being eaten alive)
I thought you said there were no monsters!

SCIENTIST #3
(Also being eaten alive)
Well, pobody’s nerfect…in space!

Scene 2 – Main Titles
This is the boring part of the movie, because there’s no action, just a lot of big words.  In fact, most movies these days don’t even bother with opening titles anymore.  They just show the title and move onto more killing.  But we’re trying to look classy here, so we’re going with them.  First, the stars.  In the lead role we need someone recognisable and marketable, yet desperate enough to agree to appear in a cheesy video game movie.  Ideally we’d look for a pro athlete or TV supporting actor looking to make the jump to the big screen.  So maybe A-Rod or one of the less popular parents from the OC.  Then you need the female love interest (foreign accent preferred) who’s inevitably going to be the smart scientist who eventually figures out what’s going on.  Then you need the wacky black sidekick for comic relief, the suspicious (English/German/Russian/Laotian) guy who turns out to be bad, and an older, more respected actor in a cameo so that you can put “and Blank as Blank” at the end of the acting credits.  You know, someone like Edward James Olmos where you’d see his name and say “Oh yeah, didn’t I see him in a good movie once?” No one cares about any of the other credits (when was the last time you joined an editor’s fan club?) so we can just put them on fast forward or something.

Scene 3 – Interior, Morning
Here’s where we introduce our hero.  He must fit most, if not all, of the following requirements: grizzled, reluctant, retired, about to retire, planning for retirement with the Freedom 55 plan, on the run from his past, on the run from loan sharks, sarcastic, hates kids, hates monsters, doesn’t explicitly love monsters, ruggedly handsome.  This scene takes place in the hero’s apartment on Earth, which must be small and spartan, to show how (humble/down on his luck/poor/robotic) he is.  He also needs a name that is simple yet strong, and appealing to male viewers by reminding them of manly things like power tools, such as (Black/Decker/Mastercraft).  Decker, our hero, is lying in bed.  He is grizzled and unshaven, yet beneath the stubble is a ruggedly handsome man.  He is still wearing the same clothes from last night, perhaps several nights ago, and his barren apartment is decorated with little more than empty whiskey bottles.  His answering machine is filled with unanswered calls from loan agencies, ex-wives, and telemarketers.  The phone rings, and Decker moans and rolls over, but doesn’t answer.  The answering machine turns on.

DECKER (VOICE)
(As recorded on machine)
This is Decker.  If you’re calling about the hot tub, leave your name and number.  If this is my mother-in-law, take my advice and kill yourself already.

The machine beeps, and the caller, a tough, no-nonsense sounding man, begins recording his message.

CALLER (VOICE)
Decker, it’s Johnson, I know you’re there.  What have I told you about your mother-in-law?  She won’t die until she’s happy, and she won’t be happy until you’re dead.  Besides, she’s not even your mother-in-law anymore.  Sheryl left you six months ago, remember?

This bit of conversation is here to show the viewers that Decker and Johnson have some sort of relationship.  Don’t panic, you don’t need to develop it.  Just show that it exists.  With that brief unpleasantness out of the way, let’s move on with the big action.

DECKER
(Answering the phone, in his characteristic grizzled voice)
Thanks for reminding me, Johnson.  And just what the hell did you find so important to spoil this lovely hangover of mine?

JOHNSON (VOICE)
Dammit it, Decker, you haven’t changed a bit.  Always thinking about others.  How can one man remain so pious?

As Johnson is speaking, Decker gets up and walks around the apartment doing manly, grizzled things, such as removing a carton of milk from the fridge, smelling it and grimacing, then drinking it anyway.  Make sure to pound as many signs of his rugged manliness as possible into the viewers’ skulls as fast as possible.  If time permits (that is, if Johnson can speak slowly enough without sounding like an idiot, which if we lock Olmos should be plenty of time), pan across award trophies and medals that Decker has collected, profiling his success in things like (wrestling/lumberjacking/rhino bating/flower arrangement).

DECKER
Can the sarcasm, Johnson.  The last time I checked, I’d been off the Federation’s dime for almost a year now.  I was hoping to spend my retirement in drunken bliss.

JOHNSON (VOICE)
Oh really?  I thought that was how you spent the majority of your career.

DECKER
(Now preparing breakfast)
Can we be moving on please?  This call’s probably costing a fortune and I know from experience how tight you guys down at the office are with your money.  Do you want me to be a guest speaker at the company barbeque?

JOHNSON (VOICE)
Decker, you’re one of the best soldiers the Federation’s ever had, but a prolific public speaker you aren’t.  There’s been an incident on the third moon of Deus.

DECKER
(Eating breakfast at table)
Deus?  Isn’t that where they’re trying to crack the Electric Boogaloo genome?

JOHNSON (VOICE)
Well, it looks like you have been reading the newspapers after all.  I can’t give you any details over the phone, but you’ll get a briefing when you come down to the station.

DECKER
Perhaps you didn’t hear me, Johnson.  I’m retired.  I’ve been retired for a year.  The only man I answer to now is Jack Daniels.  And as a matter of fact, he’s calling right now.  So if you’ll excuse me-

JOHNSON (VOICE)
(Interrupting)
Dammit Decker, don’t be a fool!  The Federation needs you.  I need you!  You’re the only one grizzled and manly enough for this mission.  The jerks who replaced you might at least have some manners, but they aren’t half the soldier you were.  There are many lives at stake here.

DECKER
(Elusively)
I don’t know, Johnson.  It sounds like you guys really need me.  I might need some more convincing.

JOHNSON (VOICE)
(Resignedly)
Alright Decker, we’ll give you whatever you want.  Whatever it takes to convince you to come out of retirement for one last big mission.

DECKER
I knew you’d come around, Johnson.  I’ll do it on this one condition: you guys have to buy my hot tub…at or above asking price.

JOHNSON (VOICE)
Done.

DECKER
Sweet.  See you in ten.

Decker slams down the phone.  Quick cut to Scene 4.

Scene 4 – Exterior, Morning
Just a quick montage scene here.  We need to show Decker driving around the city in his impossibly expensive sports car while a trendy techno/fusion song plays, to establish that he enjoys driving around in an expensive sports car and listening to trendy music.  Maybe one of those groups that Doritos “discovered” and put in their commercials.  His driving is fast and reckless, just like himself.  The driving route from his apartment to the Federation building must include many broad, sweeping curves so as to get a lot of shots of the car passing by with a convex lens.  Eventually he pulls into the parking lot, and the car and music both suddenly stop.  As he exits and heads to the building, the camera pans up to reveal that he has parked in Johnson’s reserved parking space.

Scene 5 – Interior, Morning
Federation Headquarters.  Decker and Johnson are in Johnson’s office.  Decker is seated in front of the desk, while Johnson is pacing behind it.  The scene begins with a close-up of Johnson slamming a report down onto the desk.

JOHNSON
We’re in a huge pile of shit here, Decker.  I’m sure you haven’t been retired for long enough that I have to remind you about the confidentiality of that report.

Decker picks up the report and begins thumbing through it.  He quickly sets it down and fires up a cigar.

DECKER
Well Johnson, you know I’m not much of a reader, so maybe you’ll be kind enough to give me the gist of it.

JOHNSON
It seems that something happened in the Genextor lab on one of Deus’ moons.  As you know, they were on the verge of cracking the Boogaloo gene.  Then two nights ago, we lost contact with them.  We sent the small compliment of soldiers that were stationed on the moon into the complex, and we lost contact with them, too.  Then we sent in the janitor to clean up the bodies and we lost contact with him.  We’ve still got country music legend Billy Ray Cyrus stationed on the moon, but we can’t risk losing contact with him.

DECKER
Any idea of what happened?

JOHNSON
Well, everyone around the office is saying monsters, but as the commanding officer I can’t give in to hyperbole, so I’ll just stick with a monster.  But the truth is, no one knows.  That’s why we need you to go investigate, and above all else, stay in contact.  For all we know, it could just be that their communications system broke and they all decided to fall into a deep sleep for 3 days.  But we’re playing it safe and sending in our best soldiers….and ex-soldiers.

Johnson sits down and takes a portfolio out of his desk.  He begins to remove papers and place them in front of Decker as he talks.

JOHNSON
Here’s your team, Decker.  I think you’ll recognise a few faces.  You’re in charge, obviously.  Your second will be Jamal Laquisha, that one-dimensional soldier from Compharlemton who thinks he’s the next Arsenio.  Your demolitions expert is Espion Bandito, a Laotian who’s joining us as part of the international military exchange program.  He seems a bit shifty, so I’d watch where I left my car keys.  Your old friend Richard Miller is also onboard, as are a couple of the new kids.  I figure this is just the right kind of mission for some nervous, untested rookies.  And finally, our science officer…(quietly)…Sheryl.

Decker stands up in anger.

DECKER
Sheryl?!  As in, my ex-wife Sheryl?

JOHNSON
Come on, Decker, we both know that she’s the best one for the job.  She handled the monster outbreak on Xizer IV and she’s got three degrees in alien biology.  Plus she’s your ex-wife, which should make for some increased emotional tension and a possible make-up at the end of the movie.

DECKER
There’s no way I’m working with that bitch, Johnson.  I’ll keep the damn hot tub.

JOHNSON
It’s too late, Decker.  She’s already on the way there, and so is everyone else.  They took a shuttle to Deus yesterday.  You’ll meet up with them when you get there.

DECKER
If I’d known you’d be sticking me with Sheryl on some forsaken rock in the monsterest quadrant of space I would never have answered the phone.

JOHNSON
I know, and that’s why I didn’t tell you.  This isn’t your decision, Decker.  You’re going to have to put aside your differences and work together as a team.  We’re all counting on you.

DECKER
(Putting on his coat and preparing to leave)
I’m too old for this…uh, these shenanigans.

Scene 6 – Interior, Night
We’re inside the spaceship that has just arrived on the moon.  Decker is inside a cryogenic chamber, having been frozen for the duration of his 4 hour trip.  A deckhand approaches the chamber and activates it.  There is a loud hiss and a sudden burst of frozen air as the door lifts open.  Several empty alcohol bottles roll out and onto the deck.  Decker groggily stumbles out of the chamber.

DECKER
(Still grizzled, but in a cold way)
Damn, I’ll never get used to those things.  They’re almost as frigid as-

As he’s speaking, he looks up and sees a woman standing in front of him.

DECKER
(Quickly)
Sheryl!

Sheryl is intelligent-looking and beautiful, but in a stuck-up kind of way.  You know, kind of like that hot graduate student who did a stint as TA for your elderly librarian in high school.  Her hair is pulled back in a tight bun to show how (professional/serious/frigid/bun-loving) she is.  She speaks with a posh English accent, but if the budget is too tight to get an actual English actress, we can always grab some girl from Iowa and pull a My Fair Lady.  She is dressed in a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.

SHERYL
Hello, Mortimer.  Still as charming as ever, I see.  How was the ride?

DECKER
Cold and uncomfortable, kind of like our marriage.

SHERYL
I see you still feel the need to turn everything into a joke.  For example, our marriage.

DECKER
Really?  Because I found that to be painfully unfunny…just like our marriage.

SHERYL
Well, maybe you broke your sense of humour, along with our marriage.

DECKER
Alright, I think we’ve established by now that we’re both bitter about the divorce.  Let’s go meet the rest of the team, shall we?

Decker and Sheryl leave the flight deck and begin walking down a futuristic-looking metal hallway.

DECKER
Am I the last to arrive?

SHERYL
Yes, the rest of us got here last night.  We spent this morning going over the lab’s surveillance footage from the last week, and then after lunch we took a quick spelunking break.  So far we haven’t found anything on the tapes.

DECKER
And no one has entered the genetics facility?

SHERYL
Of course not.  Well, that Bandito guy did go in for a couple of hours this afternoon, but that was just because he needed to use the washroom and he gets uncomfortable if there are living people around and he can’t go.

DECKER
Wow, I have the same problem.

They arrive at the airlock connecting the unloading tunnel to the headquarters building.  After a few seconds of decon (that’s right, we researched military lingo), the door opens and they step into the HQ’s info centre.  The large, circular room is filled with computer monitors and video screens, most of which are displaying the mandatory 3D DNA model you always see in these types of movies.  Seated in front of a bank of computers is a very nerdy looking man.  He has greasy unkempt hair, a patchy neck beard, and large thick glasses that are taped together in several places.  He has a nametag identifying him as Duck, which is attached to a faded Dr. Who T-shirt with several prominent mustard stains.  Guess which stereotyped role he fulfills?

DUCK
(Standing and walking to Decker)
Oh wow, he’s finally here.  The guys in my newsgroup are never going to believe this.  This is incredible.

He reaches out to shake Decker’s hand.  Decker looks uncomfortable, but takes it.

DUCK
Mr. Decker, I’m your biggest fan.  Okay, maybe not your biggest fan, because I know this guy who wallpapered his entire house with your headshots and made custom furniture from your body casts.  Well, I don’t really know him in real life, but I’ve talked to him on the Deckerhead message boards.  Oh, that’s what we call ourselves, Deckerheads.  Anyway, I thought the way you killed those aliens on Quopac II was so amazing, I decided to code my own FPS version of it, but since I only had my Tandy with me at the time, I did it all in Basic, which if you’ve ever written a computer program is like, 80 million lines of code, not including all the REM lines where I meticulously recreated all the conversations you had with your troops during the battle.  I know Basic can’t actually create the voices, but I put them in just for completion.  Oh, I’m Duck, by the way.

DECKER
Duck?  What the hell kind of name is that?

DUCK
Well, as you may have noticed, all the computer nerd techy guys on action-packed missions need to have some sort of nickname, like Trip or Tank or Oglethorpe.  But since I think I’m much more cut out to be a wise-cracking sidekick instead of a computer nerd, I decided to name myself after the quintessential wise-cracking sidekick, Goose from Top Gun.  Of course Paramount got word of it and threatened to sue me, so I just whipped out the thesaurus that I carry on me at all times and looked up some similar words.

We hear a voice with a heavy ebonic accent from across the room.

JAMAL
Damn, bro!  Don’t be whack!  If anyone here is going to be the stereotyped wise-crackin’ sidekick, it be me, fool!

Wait, hang on a second.  Something tells me this character might lead to some negative PR.  And hasn’t this caricature been a bit over-done by now?  I mean, they even did it in Not Another Teen Movie, and we’re trying to create something classy here, folks.  Alright, scrap that character – let’s find another ethnic group to pick on for once.  Uhh…how about those Australians?  I haven’t been amused by an inaccurate representation of them lately.

BOOMER
Crikey!  You’ve got to be bloody joking, mate!  If any bloke here is gonna be the wise-cracking sidekick, it’s this old Sheila!

Boomer is tall, blond and tanned.  He wears a Tilley hat and a leather vest opened to reveal his bronzed chest.  Let’s see…oh yeah, let’s give him a big knife too, so that later in the movie we can have some comic relief in the middle of a tense fight scene when he pulls it out and says something like “You call that a knife?”.  Crocodile Dundee references are still fresh, right?  And it couldn’t hurt to have him riding around on a kangaroo or something.

DECKER
You must be Boomer.  Johnson mentioned you, apparently.  Listen here, kid: I don’t like you.  You might be a good soldier – hell, you might be a great soldier – but you’ll never be my right hand man.  And not only because I’m left-handed.  I used to have a partner who was more than a soldier; he was a friend.  He was my best friend in the whole world, and he and I fought and died together in more battles than you’ll ever see.  And when he was killed in that freak explosion at the Froot Loops factory, a little part of me on the inside died with him.  Since then I’ve been a lone wolf, withdrawn into the twisted and disturbing depths of my own psyche…well, you get the picture.  In summary, you might be my first officer on this mission, but you’ll never replace my friend Richard Miller.

Richard Miller enters the room and walks up to Decker, clasping him on the back.

RICHARD
Hey man, how’s it going?  You ready for this exciting mission, or what?

DECKER
You know it, buddy.  Good to have you aboard.

Decker turns to Sheryl.

DECKER
So where are these rookies that Johnson mentioned?  I bet they’re well-trained and will fit into the group dynamic perfectly.

SHERYL
Billy and Jimmy?  That’s a good question.  I haven’t seen them since we got back from spelunking.  Maybe they’re with Espion…I think he’s getting some cheesy tourist photos of the secret nuclear reactor down in the basement.  Wait, he also mentioned that he was headed to the armoury to “check out some things”…you know those Laotians.  Such curious people.

As Sheryl is speaking, the camera pans over her shoulder and zooms in on a computer monitor showing the 3D DNA model.   

This document was written by the staff and administration of http://renzosrant.tk, and cannot be distributed without the written consent of the authors.
Copyright 2006