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Would you rather have a bed or a sink?
Me: tomorrow
Her: ?
Me: tomorrow, i will walk up to (Quantities
omitted), and after a short explanation, tell her,
Me: "(Quantities Omitted)"
Her: and thats better then just letting it be?
Me: yes, i need to say this, it eats at me when i'm alone on difficult nights
Me: i even checked with caroline, who is to me what i am to you, i think. "tell
her. (Quantities omitted),
that is. if you don't, it will choke you while you sleep. you deserve love and
honesty and a grandness to your romance only rivaled in the storybooks. you
will have it."
Her: do you think it will be better?
Me: yes
Me: i really need this
Her: your brave
Me: it's taken me over a year
Me: how brave is that?
Me: and planning for tomorrow is different than doing it
Her: its better then i can do
Me: well, a little at a time, i guess
Her: i just sit here and interegate myself
Me: integrate?
Her: interrogate
Me: i see
Me: interrogate yourself about what?
Her: everything
Me: elaborate
Her: everything i do wrong, everything i dont say that i should have said,
why im not happy
Her: i just cant leave myself alone..im always mad at myself
Me: i see
Me: so why are you mad right at this instant?
Her: because tomorrow when i wake up ill go to school and make the same mistakes
all over again..i just give in to easily
Me: then your problem is in making the same mistakes over again, that's something
you can work to change
Me: tomorrow, try not to make one of those mistakes
Me: in fact, pick which one to work on right now
Her: i could pick and plan, but im not brave
Me: fuck brave, think neccesary
Me: pick and plan, if only becuase i'm telling you to
Her: i can tell myself ill tell rachel goldin everything i feel about her a
million times, but i know i wont
Her: i need someone to make me. someone to beat me up if i dont
Me: huh
Me: what about simply ignoring this rachel character?
Her: i could do that, but i really want to be able to tell her what i feel..i
think she should know
Me: you might save that for down the road
Me: or write it down, and give it to her some time
Her: maybe ill pull danas hair tomorrow
Me: that's funny
Me: go for it
Her: rip of her avril lagvine hat and then her tie and then go throw up all
over myself
Her: *off
Me: fuck that, throw up all over her
Her: even better
Her: cant you just make me do it
Me: not from this far away
Me: you have to, but once you do, you'll be that much stronger for doing it
on your own
Her: im scared of being alone. i always have been, i always will be.
Me: jesus, so am i, like, deathly afraid, like, paralizeing fear of being alone
Me: but being with a bunch of people who don't understand you is just like being
alone, maybe even worse
Her: i know, but just like the whole sleeping pill think...its easier to convince
myself im not alone when i have all these people around
Her: do you know how many times a day i hear the question, "whats wrong?"..how
do i answer that when nothing is right?
Her: just tell me when im complaining to much
Me: you're never complaining too much
Me: um, i the answer depends
Her: i feel like i am
Me: answer it honestly, maybe, and then people will stop asking it
Me: think before you answer, and say "everything" or "you"
or "this whole fucked up world" or "everyone worth knowing has
abandoned this hell whole"
Me: throw something right over their heads, and they'll be like "okaay"
and stop asking
Me: and then you don't have to answer such a stupid question anymore
Me: cause most people don't want a real answer, they just think they should
ask
Her: they'll find other questions to ask, but yeah..thanks
Me: honesty, it'll scare the shit out of ordinary people
Her: is it sick to feel better when you've scared the shit out of ordinary
people?
Me: hells no
Me: that's incredibly satisfing
Her: good
Her: today in french i made a bed out of pipecleaners
Me: nice
Me: tomorrow, make someone to put in the bed
Her: and we were supposed to make kitchen appliances..and my teacher got all
mad..and i cryed..and now i cant figure out for the life of me why i did
Her: its liek i need acceptance..i need my pipecleaner bed to be accepted
Me: because you needed to cry?
Me: i accept your bed
Her: thanks.
Her: it was better then half of those stoves and sinks
Me: no doubt
Me: and who wants stoves and sinks? i'd rather sleep or fuck then wash my hands
or cook
Her: yeah, my bed was good.
Her: it even had a canopy
Her: i dont know why i expect people to understand me when i dont understand
myself
Me: sweet
Her: im gonna go to bed now and pretend im sleeping
Her: goodnight..goodluck tomorrow
Me: you too, goodnight
Her signed off at 10:54:51 PM.