So this year I put my book somewhere I'd find it, which was where I found last year's. Unfortunately for the book, but fortunately for me, I had a built-in wardrobe installed in my room, disrupting the natural order of my chest of drawers in which hid the text book. And come the end of the chem exam a week ago I had no idea where to start looking. The search that followed was both epic and heart-wrenching, as I uncovered many lurking secrets of my deep dark past. I documented the discovery of some noteworthy items so I could share them with you all.
And so began THE SEARCH.
The Bookshelves
Okay, so my bookshelves aren't exactly a great hiding place for any books seeking refuge. The place is as messy as the rest of my room, which is why I try to show as little of it as possible - I want to retain at least SOME dignity. Now, I realise my copy of Pokémon Monopoly is in full view, and I'm not going to deny that I own a copy of it. I'm also going to point out that on the top shelf is the complete collection of Animorphs books. All the way from #1 to #54 plus Megamorphs, Alternamorphs and all the Chronicles. That's all, just wanted to boast.
Alas, the bookshelves yielded surprisingly little apart from some science text books from the 70's and some excercise books from year ten. I didn't actually keep hold of those because I wanted what was in them, but because I did a swish job with the covers. Personalised and all with, er... DragonBall Z characters and stuff... On a different note, I found an Izone picture of me with blue hair, but it sort of sucks. See Ms H?! I looked so hard I found a tiny little photo! If I didn't miss that, how could I miss a chem book?
Is it just me or do I look like Amelia? I heard that Izone cameras were a last ditch effort by Polaroid to save themselves from certain doom. I still see them around though, so I'm confused. Without Polaroid, how are people going to take dirty photos of them doing dirty things without the creepy people at them developy places spreading them Internet-wide? It's a sad world.
In other news, the discovery of my rooster coaster marked a new stage in water-marked desktops. Rooster coaster... that sounds pretty cool, sorta like roller coaster, except with roosters. And with that, I finished my quest in the bookshelves with no chem book to show for it. I did straighten everything up, though, which I suppose was beneficial.
The Wardrobe Some good memories there, but I would have rathered my chem book. And that cricket... was it there before? Had I accidently worn it to school? You should have seen its jaws, they were HOOGE. Crickets are the one bug that scares the everloving shit out of me. Anyway, An hour or so had passed in the search already. With no results, I moved to the filing cabinet.
One half of my wardrobe is dedicated to clothes and the like, while the other half is just... stuff-dedicated. Just to make sure, I searched both halves. Boy did I come up with some cool stuff.
- Half a cockroach
- Two whole Bibles!
- The poking stick from our year eleven English X presentation
- A poncho from Universal Studios
- Cut n' stick kidneys from bio last year
- My Journeys stimulus booklet, which would have been really useful before now
- The box of condoms that I blamed my sister for stealing a month ago
- A dead cricket in my shark beanie
- A Game Boy game I tried to sell at cash converters when I was 12 except you have to be 16 to sell things. By the time I was 16 they'd closed, and I still had the stupid game.
- Some tattoos from the 70's
- The skinned Furby!
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I know most of the things that dwell here well. I have year seven stuff hiding in my filing cabinet. The top drawer is highly organised, which is why I began to scrounge through the bottom drawer, which is full of secrets. The first thing I came across was a cheque for $60! From 2002! So it's void! Shit! Soon after this I found Pet Rice, which is this funky little rice grain with arms and legs and a face on it sitting on one of those Japanese rice ball things inside a little plastic capsule. Elizabeth from my bio class (or Crazy Lizzie as I sometimes thing of her) gave me Pet Rice last year, in an uncharacteristically sane gesture.
The Filing Cabinet The Private Lives of Everyday Objects (Scan coming soon) was a bit of a one-hit wonder, and now when I look at it I wonder what exactly was so funny all those years...months... ago. Still, it swung me back to the day when Miss Dowsing couldn't figure out what Holly and I were pissing ourselves about and confiscated it. I think that sums up chem in a nut shell. Except for that one time... Yeah, good times in chem. Good times. And if I don't stop taking this trip down memory lane, I won't be able to reveal the coolest thing as yet in my search!
The bottom drawer bearing no fruit, I returned to the top one to maybe find a clue. Instead, I went through a file entitled "Memorabilia" in the scrawl of a small child. Heck, I still have the scrawl of a small child, it's just all joined now. And yes, oh yes, did I find gold. In an A3 envelope I found some pictures. Now, these were no ordinary pictures, these were ultrasound pictures. Of my ovaries and uterus. Pretty swish, huh? I'm not sure if they'll scan, but if they do you can come here and check out my innards. They story goes that a few years ago I was having pretty bad abdo pains for no apparent reason. They gave me an ultrasound to make sure sure things were hunky dory. Now get this, they had to ask me to keep my pants ON after I almost removed them entirely. That's probably more than enough detail for you, but it says something about me, and I'm not sure whether it's good or bad. On to the rest, after we'd finished the serious stuff, we played around with the ultrasound scanner thingy and checked out my heart (I didn't rip off my top for that though) and the rest of my guts, which was pretty cool. We made it down to the, er, bowels of the body, on which occasion the doctor remarked, "Wow, you've got a lot of gas in there!" Subtle. Veeeeery subtle.
Getting back to the search, I also found my old Girl Guides sash with such cool stuff on it as. The sentence ends there. I never really put my heart into Guides. The only thing I got out of it was the ability to make paper cranes and play this stupid number game. Oh, wait, I learned how to build a washing up table, complete with plastic tub/basin holder and a drying rack, out of sticks and string. Because no matter how hard you try, a woman cannot escape where she belongs. I slept out a couple of times, too. Once at the mall carpark and once at the zoo. That was pretty cool because we got free flavoured milk in vast quantities. The coolness stopped there.
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Lil, do you remember that time when you came over and brought red frogs? As in early 2004? Well, I found them. And although they still look as mouldless as the day we got them, there's no way on earth you're going to get me to touch them. I haven't even thrown them out yet - it's like I just... can't. But that's okay, because a little while later I found 5 packs of cards! Just in case I feel like playing (5 x 52 = 260) 260 Pickup. And when I'm done with that, I can play with the plaster moulds of my upper and lower jaws I found alongside the cards. Because every young woman has a pair of choppers in her top drawer. I need them in case I break my current retainer and they need to make a new one, so I keep my top jaw in the top drawer, eh? See, it rhymes? Ah forget it. It was funny last year, but then again so was the possibility that the HSC would actually ever arrive.
The Drawers So me 'n Tom were at Toys R Us ages ago and they had this thing full of complimentary nappies, of all things. So of course we took some. And yes, I did try one on, but since they're designed for babies and I'm not exactly a baby anymore it didn't fit. So that's why I found a pair of nappies in my top drawer. If anyone has a baby, let me know and you can have the non-violated one still in its packet. Speaking of babies and therefore breasts, I found a single stick-on bra cup, which we earlier dubbed 'Sticky Tits'. I got those for the year ten formal and I don't really know what I'm going to do with just one so if you undergo a mastectomy I can give you it as a get well soon present. Don't all call me up at once though.
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Holy crap-on-a-stick this was scary. And sneezy. By the time I was through I had to cram a tissue fair up my nose to un-dust it. The first thing my torchbeam found was my old elastic cankle sock that was used to crush my ankle back down to normal size and give it support. I put it in a safe place in case I ever get cankleised again. Or perhaps I should donate it to Vinnie's. Yeah, that's the right thing to do. A small sachet of Vegemite had also made its way into the abyss from the Easter show. Vege keeps for some time, so I'm planning to try it tomorrow. If I can figure out a way to not get too much fluff and dog hair in it. The copy of Bridge to Terabithia I got in year eight was unrecognisable until I wiped it with a cloth and sneezed it clean. When I gave it back to Mr Young he seemed a little freaked out by it. You know, because of all the stuff I was doing to that poor book. It probably witnessed that one time, when Gareth and I were...
Under the Bed
---------------- As you can see, I looked pretty damn hard for that book and it appears to have been a worthy adversary. And so I paid the $35.65 to have it replaced, knowing that some day I will realise that I've been holding it all this time.
