Nice Guys Finish Last? No More Bullshit!

This is dedicated to all the “Nice Guys” who never get anything more from girls than a river of tears….

Ladies, we need to talk. We’re the nice guys, the guy friends you turn to when the hottie from South Quad shatters your sophomore heart all over the Theta Xi dance floor, when “boys suck” or when he doesn’t understand that living in different area codes does not constitute cheating. We’ve dried your tears, listened to you whine and told you it was all going to be ok. Well, we’re done fitting the “Nice Guys Finish Last” stereotype. We’ve gotten together and decided on a few things:

First, we are sick and tired of listening to you cry, and simultaneously losing out in the girl department. How many times have we listened to you mope about finding “a nice boy who will treat me with respect,” when we’re standing here in front of you? Oh yeah, that’s right, because you wouldn’t want to “mess things up.” That’s the biggest bunch of crap we’ve ever heard. Maybe if we were as muscled and refined as Mr. Frat Boy, you’d give us a second look. Well, you know what, missy? Not all of life is like a soap opera. How long do you expect us just to sit here and listen to your life tragedies and not fall for you? Are you that blind? We are sick of being just another “girl” friend.

Secondly, cut the crap. We know what you mean; if you want us to go away for a while, tell us so. Don’t lie and say it’s “girl’s night out.” This is crap, because the minute you see a hot guy, you’re suddenly “on the prowl.” At least we guys are straightforward: we’re either “on the prowl” or playing poker; those are our two modes. Also, if you don’t like us, say so. None of this “Let’s just be really good friends” malarkey; this translates from girl language to, “I’m sorry, but you’re just really ugly.” If we don’t ask you on a date, it is because we are intimidated by you; don’t make us any more nervous or anxious by rushing to be our “friend” when we like you.

Finally, if the guy are with is treating you like crap, LEAVE HIM. I know you don’t want to because he is hot, in Beta, and has the “prettiest blue eyes,” but HE IS A SCUM BAG. You need to wake up and see that he is a jerk. He will not get better. He will not change. We are experts in empathy (reading people), and know that people, for the most part, do not change. If he stands you up routinely, yells at you, or cheats on you, he ALWAYS WILL. Just as he will always do these things, you will always go back to him. It is like clockwork. He will effectively own you, and treat you badly, and we will cry for you because of it. Please do yourselves (and us) a favor, and let him go; don’t save this one. I promise you, he is not THAT cute, and the sex is not THAT good. Nothing is worth getting hurt, and we nice guys really want to affix our steel-toed boots to their skinny Abercrombie asses.

All told, we want nothing more than to show you what a “good” guy is like. You know, that good guy your girlfriends tell you about. Well newsflash, ladies WE ARE THOSE “GOOD” GUYS. You are dealing with an untapped resource of quality date material, and we think we deserve our chance. You can’t deny it; you always tell us how sweet we are, and how “romantic” our ideas are. Stop trying to hook us up with your peg-legged cousin from Timbuktu, we are friends with YOU, we want to show YOU the good time we can. Unlike Mr. Muscles, we don’t like you because your halter top is tight, and you looked nice under the strobe lights. We know the inner you; we know everything there is to know about you. Your innermost secrets have been shared with us. So we don’t have the best dance moves and can’t bench 250, so what? Who knows you better than us? Who can you trust with everything? That’s right, ladies, us. The Nice Guys. The “boys.” This ultimately leads to the question, what are you doing Saturday night?

Enough is enough and it's time for a change!!!

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