mooooo!
The
mistreatment of cows in society today.
by
Lauren
Cows endure a lot of mistreatment in society today. This issues
spotlight
is ignored works of art.
For centuries before man ever became intelligent enough to talk and
make
movies about themselves, cows were considered works of art. Their
beautiful
black on white pattern made other animals turn green. (This
made
the other animals not very work of artish, because green was not in,
although
it is now because Heather's mommy says that Heather needs more
of
it in her wardrobe so she just randomly let Heather go get a shirt.
But
Heather is not a cow, nor is she wearing a cow suit, so lets get back
to
the point.) Even the zerbras got jealous of the cow because the
zerbras
looked so crazy that nobody wanted to look at them, even after
they
turned green. Even for a while after man because intelligent and
stopped
bonking women on the head and dragging them around by the hair,
cows
were treated with dignity, always dignity and respect. And then
suddenly,
out of the blue, nail polish appeared in your local CVS causing
havoc
among those in the fashion industry who started rushing to pull the
new
cow suits with velvet lining off the assembly line and started making
lots
and lots of brightly colors finger paints. The reds and purples and
sparkly
ones that always end up in your ahir rather than on your fingers
drew
attention away from the cows and towards brightl colors. The zerbras
just
couldn't win. muahaha No one looks to the cow as a great work of art
and
majesty anymore. They look to their hands. That's FAKE, people, FAKE!
I can
dump nail polish all over your purple glittery fingers and they'll
look
ugly, not to mention really really funny will all that glitter
running
all over your hands. If I dump nail polish remover on a cow, the
cow
will remain beautiful. (You think you've found a flaw in my logic,
well
you HAVEN'T!!!!!!! You just haven't read far enough yet, so shut
your
mouth!) I realize that if you use cow remover on a cow, it will be
removed,
and that is true. But, a cow remover is a butcher and if you use
a biutcher
on your painted hands, they will become removed as well.
NO ONE accepts cows for their beauty of black on white anymore. Kind
of
like there are no more Fred Astaire's and Gene Kelly's to go leaping
around
and singing and doing the hat tilt thing to make you melt. No
wait,
I takwe that back, but there's only one Dave Coleman and I've never
seen
him go leaping around, but I must say, he does the hair in the
deeeeeep
deeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeep deeeeeep what color are his eyes? I
dunno.
Well, his deeeeep colorunknown eyes very well. So he ALMOST wins.
But
he has to go leaping around and singing All I Do Is Dream of You in
his
pajamas, but wait, there's a REASON I've never seen him in his
pajamas....so
maybe he DOES go dancing around in his pajamas singing that
song
and we just don't know it.....Wow. How in the world did I get to
talking
about that? Back to cows. No one appreciates cows for their
natural
beauty. There are cow beauty pageants (no lie! ask Kristen
Malanoski!!!)
but they spray paint the cows, thinking that they are
enhancing
thw cows beauty but they're NOT!!! Cows don't need make up to
be
works of art!!! Society is blind to this! Wake up! Have some coffee!
Stare
at a cow once in a while! Society has make black and white a symbol
of
all thing bad. Cruella DeVille's hair was black and white. When
there's
no right answer, it's said to be grey. (Let me walk you through
this:
black and white combined make grey) What color hair does no one
want
to have? What color are conventional chalk boards at much hated
school?
Cows are beautiful! Love them! Appreciate them! Thnk of them day
and
night! Put posters of their beauty on your wall! Write I LOVE COWS
all
over your body and go to a cow concert! Cows have been waiting
patiently
to be appreciated and in the proccess inventing McDonalds,
non-pattented
food products and get discriminated against by Barbie and
her
crew of 2% body fat blonde people that tan easily! DON'T LET NAIL
POLISH
FOOL YOU!!!! COWS ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!
the queen
would like to apologize for past and future spelling errors
teh queen
cannot spell
she would
like to say sorry to Alia
:(
Lizzy
Cavallo- Queen and supreme ruler of Elisabethia
Heather
Romani- Sir Crowberry, the Russian Investigator Head Ka Ni Git, Protector
of the Shaladan
Provinces
Lauren
Troxel- Sir Pibble, the Secret Investigator Ka Ni Git and Bestower
and Retriever of Titles,
Protector
of the Kyrrian Provinces
Amanda
Tavel- Sir Broccoli, the Gatoradizer Ka Ni Git and Official Abbreviator
of Titles, Protector
of the Dermishen
Provinces
Andrew
Davis- Sir Sparhawk, Ka Ni Git and Paladin of ALL Elisabethia (latrine
cleaner)
Stephanie
Davis- Sir Cubby, Ka Ni Git, Protector of the Wooshan Provinces
KD-
Sir Lord Foo Foo III, Lady-in-Waiting to Queens Elisabeth and Christina
Jeff O'Dell-
Earl of Earlden in Elisabethia
Adam Lee
- Viscount of Swazma in Elisabethia
Al-
Sir AL
Heather
Postanowicz- Countess of Tomasadia in Elisabethia
Amy Austin-
Duchess of Darueland in Elisabethia
Lindsey
Hemphill- Agent 2, Information Gatherer of Portugal
Jessica
Mealey- Agent 4095834, The Scandinavian Counter Spy for Elisabethia
Lovisa
Johansen- Primary Entertainment Supervisor of the Elisabethian Court
Nanners
-belongs to the country of our queens cousin
Woogie-Lady
in Waiting Number 1
If you are
abducted into this newsletter and you wish to have a title in
Elisabethia,
please apply for one, by simply asking Lauren at
dominoespizza@juno.com.
Little Known
Fact Discovered
The boys on my cross country team have to wear boody shorts during
the
race. It looks quite funny. heehee
If you are not recieving you newsletters and you have to find an alternative
route here, please write with a self adressed envelope to
livesteakhappyhour
PO Box 5.5 3/4
Elisabethia, Guam 007
<spy (sneaking) music plays>
or easierly, email us at livesteakhappyhour@hotmail.com
First of all my name is ALIA. Not Amia. I looked at
the new abductees and I didn't even think I was on the list at first.
Then I wondered who Amia was. Then I realized Amia was ME!
Actually I think Amia is a better name than Alia. But Alia pronounced
the right way is better than nothing. My name is pronounced AH-lee-uh,
not uh-LEE-uh like that singer that died. Two of my friends called my house
because they thought that I died when that happened. If they
had followed the simple pronunciation rule they would not have had to do
this, now would they? NO. And I'm not dead yet! I think
I'll go for a walk! I feeeel hapeeeee! Plus just think of it
logically - if I died would it make the news? No. No one would
care. My brother would take my drumset and Lauren and Justine would
take all my beanie babies and Justine would take my candles and Charity
would take my flute cuz it's so much better than hers and my mom would
take my stereo and Stephanie would take my cat and they'd all throw a party
with Bacardi mixers. I always wanted a Bacardi mixer. But back
to my name. My nursery school teacher called me AY-lee-uh and my
brother calls me alien. Which is fine by me cuz I'm obsessed with
aliens. I want to marry one. THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE! Robert
Austin calls me Allah like the Muslim god and the orthodontist calls me
Ania. I should have had an orthodontist appointment on Wednesday
but my dad forgot to pick me up and drive me DOWN THE STREET from school.
I could have walked if the school wasn't so crotchety - and if I wasn't
scared to death of busy streets. *shiver* American Girl used to send
their catalogs to Ali Malik. Speaking of which, let's not get into
the trouble people have with Malik…actually let's. Here's the deal:
it's MAHL-ick not MAL-ick (note the absence of the H which makes all the
difference) or mull-EEK. My 6th grade P.E. teacher Mr. Frederick
used to think he was so clever making fun of my name because Mal is the
Latin prefix for "bad" and then "ik" is pronounced like ick. He was
stupid. He didn't even KNOW Latin root
words, Mr. Murray the librarian had to tell him. Mr. Murray
thought he was my best friend when really it was he who got me into this
mess in the first place.
He was obsessed with Montserrat. It was scary. These
red squigglies on my word processor are really getting to me. They
put a squiggly under the word squigglies and again under the word squiggly!
SQUIGGLY! SQUIGGLY! Not doing it now…maybe it thinks when it's
in caps it's an acronym. Stupid Bill Gates and his Microsoft Word.
Mr. Frederick was eating fruit snacks one time and he called me over and
pointed to one of the ingredients, which was Malic Acid. HA HA HA
my sides are splitting. Another time I lost my recess for talking
so I had to stand on the wall, and he was monitoring us. There was a bee
in the air. He asked me why I was on the wall, and when I told him
he said "That's a shame. ALL YA gotta do is BEE good." HA HA
HA HA HA. (There are SQUIGGLIES under my "ha"s.) And this brings
me to another point…my name has 4 letters. A-L-I-A. Not A-A-L-I-Y-A-H
or something else where half the letters are unnecessary. It's like
spelling Sarah S-Q-A-H-R-T-A-X. But the real point is that it has
4 letters…and 3 syllables. It's not Al-ya. AL-I-A! The
I people, the I! This also goes back to why I'm not Allah.
Yes it's 75% vowels but would you rather I was A-A-L-I-Y-A-H? Didn't
think so. Well the main overall point is that I
don't see what's so hard about a little name like Alia!
The end! SQUIGGLY! Haha, tricked you out of those red lines again, Gates.
Only there's a line
under "haha." Evil always wins in the end.
Kat's
Kolumn
Procrastination:
The Life Style of The Student
Procrastination is bad. Very bad. Never get into the habit
of
procrastinating.
Of you do you may end up like Danny, who got lots of
bad
grades his senior because of senioritis and he ended up
at...hmm...he
ended up at Harvard, maybe he isn’t such a good example.
Well
how about me, I procrastinate all the time and I end up doing very
badly
on tests. This is not good to do badly on tests.
Tuesday i have two tests. Guess how much studying I have done?
haha,
now think less than that and you would be overestimating.
understand?
I will probably get a 60% on my physics test tomorrow.
except
that he says he writes them so that the average is 60% so maybe i
will
be getting less than that. This test will not be good for my self
confidence
in physics i think. The other test i have is in Viet Nam.
Yes
you saw that correctly, i will be traveling to Viet Nam for my 8:00
am
class to take a test. (actually the class is about Viet Nam we
aren’t
going there until January) But anyway, this test will also be
bad,
I do not rememebr all the name and places and battles and dates and
little
facts that i will probably need to know for the test. And this
isn’t
a good thing either. Please take my advice and never fail a class
that
is specifically for your honors or scholars program. That isn’t a
good
idea.
If any of you are upset that i keep talking about school ion my
column,
please don’t tell me about it, my life is being consumed by
school
and the only thing to save me is pride and prejudice. Maybe i’ll
go
read that now...
ok,
i’ll be right back...I promise i’ll finish this later...
We here at the Live Steak Happy Hour Staff would just like to
say that we are very sorry for calling Alia Amia. Only, we're not REALLY
sorry, because we got a really great article out of the deal, which is
never something to be sorry about. Speaking of apologies, we would also
like Alia to know that she is not alone in her hating of miscrosoft word.
We think that Microsoft should die. (Note how sneakily I changed the subject!)
I thus end this apology considering that I still have a survey, a soap
opera column, a cow article, a random piece of information and a random
article to generate, etc, etc, etc. But Akia, we would just like to say
that we are very sorry and will never call yo Amia again. Well, unless
the great cow, who is our president decides that that should be your name.
But don't worry, he's to busy eating chocolate and being mistreated to
care right about now. And he's getting fat from the chocolate! And all
because society is trying to kill the cow by making
him overweight!!! But that's another subject. I would just like
you to excuse our webmaster who was very tired after punching many many
different keys and cannot be expected to be competent enough to realize
this mistake after typing out a 24 page newsletter.
Perplexed Passion
Sarah's henchman kills Sarah because she's not good at
making out. Brian answers Holly's ad.
Good Clean Soaps
Jane's mother has an affair with her boss. Harry decides to
leave town. Jane and Sean continue to make out.
Senseless Sensualness
Gary decides that he and Kara should still get married. Kara
insists
on having a second engagement ring. Karen gives up on finding her dog
and make sout with Michael.
When Young Hearts Become Indecisive
Meet the characters:
Mercy- A make out expert who has has 13 boyfriends in the past
month.
Vicky- A shy, drop dead gorgeous business woman who is madly in love
with the guy in the cubicle behind hers.
Chris- Mercy's current boyfriend
Mark- Mercy's ex-boyfriend number 8; has newly become a billionaire,
and struggles between keeping it a secret and
blowing all his dough and going deluxe
Erik- Mark's best friend, and ex-boyfriend to Janet # 9.
Marie- A very outgoing, very rich computer consultant ho is dating
Jordan
Jordan- A very quiet guy who makes annoying jokes about rednecks that
no body likes
Last week...
Marie and Vicky are best friends,
and they both have guy issues. While discussing these guy issues with one
another at a local coffee shop
in downtown Seattle, a stranger named Erik comes up and asks
for Vicky's number.
Today
Vicky decides that she doesn't care how shy she supposedly is.
She makes out with Erik on the spot. Then, she gets up and leaves with
Vicky,
forgetting to give Erik her phone number. Mercy happens to see
the make out session and becomes jealous, considering that she had no one
to make
out with quickly decides to go and make out with Erik as well.
Chris happens to walk in while this is going on. Should he:
A. start making out with Mercy, too
B. dump Mercy on the spot
C. find another random girl to start making out with
D. walk out and pretend like nothing happened
(just like school only better)
Wicomico
- (noun) -
a place on the way to Chicoteauge
prounced either (WI-comi-co)
Chicowicomico
- (noun) -
1) a place on the way to Chicoteauge on the Eastern Shore
2) a Chico Marx influence on Wicomico
pronounced either correctly (Chico-Wi-mico-co) or fun (Chico-wico-mico)
WICO-MICOCHICO-WICO-MICO. this amuses the Queen very mcuh.
If you had 10 minutes before bed etc etc etc, would you do
a survey?
A. write a 1 question survey- 50%
B. skip the survey- 0%
C. type the whole darn thing out- 0%
D. make the Live Steak Happy Hour Staff wait until Tuesday evening-
50%
The Other Survey Results
1. If you were to draw a cartoon character, what color eyes would
it
have?
A. orange- 16%
B. blue- 16%
C. green- 16%
D. violet- 32%
E. yellow- 20%
F. pink- 0%
2. What kind of pet?
A. cat- 32%
B. sheep w/ blue eyes- 0%
C. sheep w/ green eyes- 16%
D.sheep with electrical shocks- 16%
E. elephant- 16%
F. fish w/ potty mouth- 20%
3. Which is your favorite musician of the following
a. GREEN DAY- 16%
B. britney- 0%
C. moon and pizza pie people- 32%
D. aerosmith- 32%
E. gene kelly- 32%
(heather was being difficult and chose 2 different answers)
4. Favorite pick up line
A. I lost my number, can I have yours?- 0%
B. Are you from Tennessee, cause you're the only 10 I see...-
32%
C. Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes- 32%
D. What are you dooooooing?- 36%
5. Favorite restaurant
A. 3 Brothers- 32%
B. Olive Garden- 64%
C. 7 Seas- 2%
D. TGI Friday- 0%
6. What color would you dye your hair if you could?
A. Red- 32%
B. orange- 0%
C. blonde- 32%
D. brown- 16%
E. blue- 0%
F. purple- 16%
7. Best kind of shoes
A. sandals- 32%
B. Flip Flops- 16%
C. sneakers- 52%
Survey of the Week
Excuse the Strangness. I forgot to make one, and I'm sleepy
1. Do you like to sleep?
A. yes
B. no
2. Do you like to eat lots and lots of food?
A. yes
B. no
3. Do you think that Dave Coleman is really really hott?
A. yes
B. no
4. Do you think I should end on that note?
A. yes
B. no
send results to dominoespasta@juno.com
Jessica's Too Cents
You know about all those lovely fairy tales that Disney makes? (I love Disney, I am by no means offending anything created by that organization) well, they all end happily, when the truth is, most were written with a shockily crude conclusion. (Crude is a very proper word for describing something gross don't you think... anyway back to what i was saying...)For instance in the Little Mermaid (my fav disney movie) she kills herself, at least in the book that is how the story ends. She falls madly in love with a prince then the prince is told he must marry someone else and he does, so after the mermaid goes through all the trouble of getting legs she is rejected by a no good mama's boy, who does whatever his mama tells him. what ashame. OH no that is not the end, then the mermaid's sisters hear of her heartbreak and go the the sea witch and sell their hair for a knife that, after the mermaid kills the prince and his blood drips onto her feet, will make her tail will grow back and she will be a mermaid once more. Now what message is this sending. If you have a bf that dumps you because his mama said so, you should kill him to make your life go back to normal? NO! that is wrong Well, despite this wonderful task she must perform to become a mermaid again she ends up throwing herself into the ocean and becomes the foam (so the girl who had a foamy sea green dress you may look at that and remember the mermaid) because she couldn't kill the mama's boy. What a fairy tale...
DUE TO DIFFICULTIES WITH technology, i couldnt seem to open heather's article :( Uncultured swine will be a sperate page, (Go heather) I will send get you that link as soon as I get the blasted technology to work with me. DONT fight me technology, I know where the power switch is, muahahahah!!!!!
YEAH. this is added on wedensday by the way. The treat of the power switch has worked and HEATHERS ARTICLES ARE UP!!!!!!! The Uncultuered Swine and other fab artciles that were inteh stuborn document have been put on a page etitled HEATHTER'S PAGE!! :-) So click after the beep and be wisked away to heathers page <BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP> click here. Enjoy.
'Twas Midnight on the ocean
Not a streetcar was in sight
The Sun was shinning brightly
For it rained all day that night
A summer day in winter
And the snow was raining fast
As a barefoot boy with shoes on
Stood sitting in the grass
