A look at some of the hottest upcoming releases from the controversial telly masterminds of the Middle East.
In July of 2005, the Australian broadcast famine was entering its fourth year; The Micallef Programme and The Games were ancient history, and even the most well-meaning of Aussie entertainment farmers were harvesting nothing but bland game shows, tasteless satire, and completely inedible sketch comedy. Only generous foreign aid kept our televisions alive.
And then, one Thursday prime time, the major networks simultaneously unveiled the most exciting reality television debut since the Baghdad Fireworks. Shaken bystanders, bloody corpses, shredded double-deckers, and – best of all – an ever-growing bodycount for news anchors to drool over. Relevant, original, and exciting TV, live in our living rooms! The only factor that stopped 7/7 (it even had a great title!) from being a complete success was, well, most of us had friends and families that might have been unwilling participants.
Problem solved. Leaked US intelligence documents revealed this week that Al-Qaeda is moving away from street performance and into straight-to-DVD terror. As an independent production company, AQ have been responsible for some of the most original, daring, and memorable television of our times, and by retaining copyright to their new works they can hopefully boost their profit margins while retaining their singular vision. Lot’s Wife can offer an exclusive scoop on some of the hottest upcoming releases –
USS Cole: Special Edition: A must-have for collectors, this double-disc set includes a fascinating behind-the-scenes look at the troubled production. Big dreams meet harsh reality in this Lost In La Mancha for the martyr set. Also features a rather bitchy commentary track from Bin Laden and Al-Zawahiri.
All Capitals Nuked: AQ Productions’ most ambitious work to date. All human civilization is completely obliterated by the simultaneous detonation of ex-Soviet nuclear arms in every major capital city. Lots of great moments here – Los Angeles as a pile of rubble, CNN attempting to broadcast from an underground bunker, environmental scientists committing mass suicide, and waves of black radioactive smog rolling across the Simpson Desert. Great masturbation fodder for the criminally morbid. Features an alternate ending where the whole planet explodes and falls into the sun.
Collision Course: A rag-tag gang of plucky Wahabbis hijack the moon and smash it into the White House. Astonishing special effects, but it’s more of a screwball comedy than a disaster flick – think Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, only on a mass scale.
September 11th: The Director’s Cut: A classic revisited, reinstating all the scenes that, for one reason or other, were left on the cutting-room floor at the time of release. The story now starts with Pope John Paul II being exploded and escalates until George W. Bush bursts into tears while vowing revenge in a press conference – only to be pummeled to death by terror operatives disguised as journalists. Occasionally fascinating, but very overlong. For diehards only!