[Kitty reads a pamphlet titled "Is Johnny High?"]
Kitty: Well, okay, now, so far Eric is nine out of ten. He's got, he's got blood shot eyes, mood swings, irregular appetite, odd sleeping patterns, oh Red! Our Johnny is high!
Red: Kitty, that's nonsense! He's not on drugs, he's just weird!

Bob: All right, let me tell you what I see. You see clowns, I see your tuition at Harvard. You see your dad as a ring master, I see you going to grad school. You see a chimpanzee in a tutu - okay, that just makes me laugh.

Flashbacks of what Laurie has done 2 him:
Laurie: Daddy, Eric has dirty magazines under his bed. Daddy, Eric snuck out last night. Daddy, I saw Eric drinking all your beer. Daddy, Eric made it hard for me to concentrate so I flunked out of college! Daddy, Eric used all my hand lotion.
Eric: Okay, that bitch is dead.

Kitty: Good news, Red. I just took Cosmo’s ten ways to please your man in bed test, and I got nine out of ten! But I didn’t get number three because I’m a nurse and number three is icky.

Jackie: Innocent? Okay Eric, no offence, but your sister is as slutty as they come.
Kelso: Eric, are you gonna let her say that about your sister?
Eric: Sure.

Donna: Okay. A friend of mine, and it’s not me, is pregnant.
Midge [gasp]: Is it you?

Kelso [reading the UNICEF box]: "A UNICEF contribution of thirteen cents will feed a child for a month." Man, living in Africa must be great! Everything’s so cheap.

Kitty [to Jackie]: Dear, the next time you know a President is coming to town, please give me a little more notice. I need to vacuum. Eric, you tidy up this basement! A pie! I gotta make a pie!

Red: Now don’t worry, I’m simply gonna ask him how the hell he’s gonna fix this economy!
Kitty: Oh, honey, he wouldn’t know that, he’s the President!

Fez [sees Laurie for the first time]: Who is the goddess?
Kelso: The goddess is Eric's sister.
Hyde: She's not a goddess. She's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

Jackie: So... Michael's a doofus?
Jackie's dad: And how.

Jackie: You know sometimes I'm beginning to think you're a real screw up. You see, one day, I want a house. And kids. And maybe a chandelier. And if you can't give me those things Michael, then this is all a big waste of time. You just, you gotta try harder... Wait, Michael, something feels wet.
Kelso [to himself]: Dear Penthouse...
Jackie: No, no, you popped the waterbed!
Kelso: It must've been my roach clip. Jackie, maybe they won't notice.
Jackie: I am in love with a doofus.

Eric: The plant's closing. Dad's out of a job.
Laurie: I guess this is a bad time to tell them I flunked out of college.
Eric: you know what, Laurie, I cannot believe you're the favourite.
Laurie: Yeah. Doesn't it kick ass?

Hyde: Hey, Forman, you have any naked pictures of your grandma?
Eric: No!
Hyde: [laughing and handing him the box of photos] You do now!!

Red as Obi Wan: A Jedi's power lies within his own mi-- are you even listening to me?
Eric as Luke: What? Yes. Um, you were saying, may the force be with me?
Red as Obi: No, I did not. Jedi Knight?! Jedi Dumbass!

Kelso: Hey Jackie
Jackie: Hey Michael, I'm really glad you're here. OK, time to go to sleep.
Kelso: Wait sleep, I thought we were gonna do it
Jackie: Micheal, I invited you over for a sleep over, not a do it over.

Hyde: It won't last. Look, an object in an unnatural state must return to its natural state. Thus, Kelso and Jackie will have a fight anyday.
Fez: Really?
Hyde: It's simple physics.
Eric: Hey you guys, you know what? We should get a pool going. We'll draw days for 5 bucks and if they fight on your day, you win the pot.
Fez: The pot? If that is the prize I am in.

Kelso: This isn't going to work Jackie.
Jackie: Us Michael? Are we not going to work?
Kelso: No, the car Jackie. The carborator's busted.
Jackie: This was all because of a stupid car?
Kelso: We're going to have to take the bus to our wedding.
Jackie: Our wedding? Oh Michael, that's so sweet. I love you Michael Kelso.
Kelso: I love you too Jackie Onasis.

Kelso: Hey look, I'm Paul Stanley from Kiss. [puts a star of cheese over his eye]

Eric: What do you say we officially start dating other people?
Donna: Oh, I've been waiting for your permission, and can I stay out past nine? Please, Please.

Donna: Ok, so look, I've lived next door to Eric my entire life, and we talk about everything together, we love the same music, we love the Packers, and then I kissed him and everything changed and now I don't know if he's my boyfriend or he's my best friend, and if he's my boyfriend, I lose my best friend and if I screw it up I lose my best friend and my boyfriend and now I've gotta get him this gift and I don't know if--
Jackie: Donna, Donna! I've solved it. Get him a scented candle.
Donna: A scented candle?
Jackie: It's practical and romantic.

Kelso: Why would you just cuddle with her, when you could do it? I mean, Forman, doing it is “it." That’s why they call “it” “it”! “IT”!!

Laurie: Oh, for god's sake. He saw you guys doing it! There! I helped!

Donna: All I’m saying is we have to wait for the right time.
Eric: Okay. How about now?
Donna: Um, no.
Eric: Okay. How about now?
Donna: No.
Eric: Okay. Now?
Donna: Yes.
Eric: Really?
Donna: No.
Eric: Okay. Now, right?

Red: Well, it’s a tough world, Eric, and people don’t always get what they want. Especially you.

Kelso: Hey. Pretty great funeral, huh?
Hyde: Red, I'm sorry about your mom, man. And I'm sorry Kelso's an idiot.

Kelso: Hey guys. It is literally a million degrees out! I'm wearing shorts in January! Have you ever seen prettier legs on a fella?
Jackie: Michael, we'll admire your legs later. Snow prom is tomorrow, and we need to keep up our campaign for snow queen and snow king.
Kelso: Jackie, I did campaign. I wrote our names all over the place.
Eric: Kelso, you peed in the snow.
Kelso: In cursive! It was awesome.

Therapist: Midge, let me stop you right there. I know we've had only one session, but from what I'm hearing, everything you say is completely right and everything that Bob says is completely wrong.
Midge: I think I'm gonna like therapy!

Red: Laurie, you're not driving the Vista Cruiser, it's old and undependable. It could break down, you could be at the mercy of any maniac who came along. That's okay for Eric. But you're taking the Toyota. Oh and uh, here's a twenty.
Laurie: Will that cover gas?
Kitty: Oh, well it should. Honey, honey, give her another ten just in case.
Eric: You know, I could probably use some gas money.
Red: Yeah, and if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hops.

Jackie: Look, I need to talk to someone. I can really use a friend right now.
Eric: Okay then well, good luck with that.

Donna: Remember when you beat him up on the playground?
Eric: I kicked his ass.
Jackie: Wait. Wasn't he the kid with scoliosis and asthma?
Eric: Yep. And I kicked his ass.

Kitty: Dear God. Thank you so much for helping me quit such a filthy, disgusting, soothing delicious habit, oh God I can't do this, no no! I'm fine! Amen.

Red: Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Amen. Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah blah blah.

Laurie: Life is so complicated. You get old and die. Thank God I'm still young and hot!

Laurie [staring at Eric]: BURST INTO FLAMES! BURST INTO FLAMES! BURST INTO FLAMES!!!

Hyde: Coach Ferguson, shouldn't you be out on the football field teaching boys to play with balls?

Teacher: I have exciting new for you two! [talking to Kelso and Jackie] Michael, you have been elected snow king.
Kelso: YEAH!!!
Teacher: And Jackie, you are the new snow queen runner up!
Jackie: Oh my god! This is the happiest day of my life! Wait snow queen runner up!?!

Red: Where's the band aides? I cut thumb with a hacksaw.
Kitty: Oh Red, you know those things are dangerous.
Red: Well, I tried cutting the metal pipe with a flower, but it was real slow going.