Donna: I'd just like a little attention while you're struggling with my underwear. I'm here, too. It doesn't always have to be about the twins.

Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.

Kelso: Oh, this is great. Jackie's gonna get wedding fever. Man, all I'm gonna hear is, "Michael, at our wedding don't shove cake in my face." And, "You better know how to dance." And, "There will not be a trampoline." A wedding without a trampoline. That's crazy talk.
Hyde: Yeah, it'd be like a funeral without a dunk tank.
Kelso: She even knows what kind of china pattern she wants. Pink and purple with unicorns. Who wants to see a unicorn when they're eating pie?

Jackie: Oh my god! Pink and purple with a unicorn! You remembered!
Kelso: Of course I remembered. I remember everything you tell me even when you think I don't.
Jackie: Really. What's my favorite season?
Kelso: Fall?
Jackie: Why?
Kelso: Uh, the outfits flatter your chestnut eyes.
Jackie: And?
Kelso: Slimming lines and dark colors.
Jackie: Oh my god, Michael! When you started acting like an immature jerk, I started having doubts about us. But now this purple and pink unicorn candy dish proves you're a grown up!

Kitty[while in a daydream]: Oh Red, that is so good! Oh, uh, right there, uh, oh, that hasn’t been touched in years! [we see that Red is dusting] Kitty: Honey, honey, we’re eating, we’re eating.
Eric: Yeah, just put a sugar packet under it.
Red: Sugar packet? That’s what’s wrong with this country Eric. Nobody wants to roll up their sleeves and work. They’re all looking for their sugar packet solution. Well, not me. I’m getting a saw!
Eric: Mom, has dad gone crazy?
Kitty: I’m afraid so, dear.

Donna: How's it goin' back there?
Eric: Okay Donna, just for that, I'm not taking your bra off.
Donna: Well, you weren't taking it off anyway!

Kitty: Eric, did your father come down here?
Eric: Yeah, he’s fixing the dryer.
Kitty: Oh dear, you know, ever since the plant cut back his hours, he spent all his time fixing things. Things that don’t need fixing. Things I need, things I use, things I love. I gotta go hide the crock pot.

Donna: Okay. We get home from the Rundgren concert, and I'm sitting on the hood of the car, and I kissed him.
Jackie: French or American?
Donna: I can't believe I'm talking to you about this.

Bob: Midge, you don't know the first thing about having a business.
Midge: But there's no risk, Bob!
Bob: Why not?
Midge: Because it's your money!

[Kitty and Red try to talk Hyde out of going to New York]
Red: We don't think that you should go.
Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.
Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.
Kitty: In New York you get mugged for no good reason.
Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?
Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.
Red: Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.
Kitty: They spit. That's right, they spit!
Red: What'r'you gonna put on your resume? 'Dumbass'?

Laurie: Free drinks? I'm in.
Kitty: Oh, that's nice. That's music to a mother's ears.

Donna: Jackie, what the hell is going on between you and Kelso?
Jackie: Michael Kelso and I have made beautiful love.
Donna: Ewww! I mean...No, ewww. Why are you being such a doormat?
Jackie: Look, I have to be nice. Look, what if he gets bored now?
Donna: Bored? Jackie, he's gonna wanna do it again.
Jackie: So, what you're saying is I'm totally in charge.
Donna: Well, I mean a partner--
Jackie: No, no, no, I own him!
Donna: Well, Jackie I--
Jackie: No, no. Thank you Donna.

Jackie: I'm really sorry your mom died. It's, like, sad and stuff.

Jackie: Donna, we’re supposed to be friends. Would it have killed you to say, I know you love him, but Michael’s a jerk?
Donna: Jackie, I think my exact words were, I know you love him, but Michael’s a jerk.

Red: Hey Jerry. Here’s my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?

Kitty: You know Donna, my grandmother came from Sweden, and she had this thick thick accent and it embarrassed me to no end. Well, I asked her not to come to my high-school graduation cuz I didn’t want my friends to hear her talk. And she didn’t come. Sixteen years later, she got the gout and died. You see?
Donna: No.
Kitty: All families are embarrassing. And if they’re not embarrassing, then they’re dead.

Red: What you got there, Eric?
Eric: Beer... I found it... just sitting... you know... around.
Red: Well, put 'em away, son.
Eric: Oh, I intend to, sir.
Kitty: Oh, honey, honey. On your way to the basement, could you pop these in the fridge? They're warm! [she hands him two more beers.]

Kelso: Okay, so let’s do this thing.
Jackie: Oh, oh, this is so perfect! I don’t even miss the peignoir, the pirate shirt or the wind!
Kelso: What about the banner?
Jackie: It’s okay. The important thing is I’m here with you. And I’m prepared to give myself to you, body, mind and soul. Michael, this is gonna be the most magical night of our lives. Oh, yeah, and one more thing. My parents are at the A&P, so we only have like fifteen minutes.

Donna: I have to go to the bathroom. Jackie?
Jackie: Oh my God, Donna, you have never asked me to go to the bathroom with you before!
Donna: Yeah, it’s a big day.

[Hyde puts the Forman family in a Hallmark card]
Hyde: But the reality is this:
Grandma: To my daughter in law. You took my son.
Kitty: You wrecked my life.
Grandma: You stole my youth.
Red: You hate my wife.
Kitty: I do my best.
Grandma: Well that's a joke.
Red: I'm going out.
Kitty: I need a smoke.

Kitty: I know you’re seventeen and we can’t stop you from doing what you wanna do...
Red: Yes we can.

Bob: And no boys. They only want one thing and it's a dirty, dirty thing they want. 'Nuff said.

Hyde: Forman, let's go get wasted.
Eric: See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.
Hyde: Your grandma's dead? Oh. Well. Let's go get wasted.

Kitty: I just took the "How spontaneous is your relationship" quiz. And you know what?
Red: What?
Kitty: We got 3 out if 10! And I cheated!

Kitty: There are five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
Red: Kitty, I've got two stages. Anger, and drinking.

Eric: Every time this starts happening, it winds up not happening. And then, you skip home... tra la la la la.

Hyde: Disco is from hell, okay? And not the cool part of hell with all the murderers, but the lame ass part where the really bad accountants live.

Eric: Ever since yesterday, I can't stop thinking about you. I mean, I've known you practically my whole life. I want you. I want you so bad.
Donna: Eric, it's a car.

Red: It's about the rules. And without the rules we might as well all be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.

[Kitty's wild imagination when it's Eric's bday]
Donna: Now that the adults are gone, we can be as bad as we want.
Jackie: Who wants to give Eric a venereal disease?!
Kelso: Hey look, coasters!
Hyde: Forget coasters!
Eric: Please, fellas, my mom put out coasters for a reason.
Hyde: I think I'm going to put my drink directly on the furniture. That way, it will leave a ring.
Eric: Nooo!! Why oh why didn't I beg my mother to stay?!
Fez: Quiet you silly American! I am making a long distance call on your parents' phone!
Eric: But that's immoral!

Eric: I like you.
Donna: So... you're in like with me?

Chrissy: Hey you. Is there a motel in this puke hole?
Hyde: There's a Sleepytime Lodge three puke holes over.

Eric: Hey, buy us some beers, we'll pay double.
Laurie: Do you really think that beer will make your little party better?
All the guys: Yes.

Jackie: When Michael and I were apart, he realized how much he missed me. I'm telling you, Donna, breaking up with him was the best thing I ever did.
Donna: I thought you said that getting a pedicure was the best thing you ever did.
Jackie: That was last week, Donna.

Kelso: You know what, it's starting to get late. Maybe we should just start walking.
Hyde: No no no, I am not walking. If God wanted us to walk, he wouldn't have given us Forman.

Eric: Well, first you drag me away from the wedding, and then you kiss me all the way over here, and then you pull me upstairs and shove me into my bedroom and put your hands all over my body, I just... I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Midge: Women have to pretend to be weak and fragile so that men can feel superior.
Donna: That’s insane! If women don’t wanna stand up for themselves, men will always control the world.
Midge: Oh, honey, men don’t control the world.

Laurie: You don't know anything! And if you do know something, I will make you sorry you were ever born.
Eric: Well, for your information, I'm already sorry I was ever born!

Jackie: I don't really cook much. I just plan on getting by on my looks.

Donna: God! Their marriage almost ended, they put me through hell, and now that they're getting back together, it's like it doesn't even mean anything! How am I supposed to write about love when they are the worst example in the entire world?
Eric: No, no, okay, look, they may not be the best example but, they do love each other. They just can't express it or, really any thoughts more complex than I'm hungry. But the important thing is that they really do love each other.
Donna: Yeah, I guess they do.
Eric: They do, you know they do. And that's why they need you to say what they can't say. Because, despite your bimbo-like good looks, you're very smart. Look, write the vows that you would write. And Donna, I know... I know it'll be great.

Kitty: You don’t spend nearly enough time with your father.
Eric: That’s because he doesn’t like me.
Kitty: Yes, he does like you. And that’s no excuse.

Eric, at his grandmother's grave: I'm really sorry that our last conversation didn't go so smooth. But, um, look. That is not how I feel about you at all. Voice from grave: Then why did you kill me, Eric? I'll never forgive you!
[Eric sees Hyde behind the stone.]
Eric: What the hell are you doing out here?
Hyde: Freezing my 'nads off for a joke, man!!

Donna: I love you.
Eric: I love... cake.

Eric: Right! Yeah! But I was thinking, why cuddle when we could do it?

Donna: Ok, you’ve been talking to those idiots in the basement again.

Hyde: Dating is prostitution, man, only you don't always get what you pay for.

Hyde: Moron! Every day you say you're breaking up with her!
Kelso: Well, you guys don't know her like I do! [Realizes he has a large purple hickey. He covers it up] I mean, it's not just about fooling around! She buys me stuff!
Hyde: She hoovered your chest, man!

Trucker: Well, hello there!
Kelso: Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?
Trucker: Oh, I’m going wherever you’re going!
Kelso: Wow, that’s lucky!
Trucker: So, did it hurt?
Kelso: What?
Trucker: When you fell down from heaven!
Kelso: No, I’m fine!

Red: What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you always so damn nervous?
Eric: Oh, hmm, I don’t know, maybe it’s because you’ve been yelling at me for seventeen years?

Laurie: Share a little, Mom. Tell us how folding the dish towels just right makes all our problems go away.
Kitty: You want me to share? Okay. Laurie, you're mean to your brother and you're screwing around at college. We don't even see you unless you run out of clean clothes or need cash. The fact is you're an ungrateful spoiled brat. Well, thank you. That was nice. I love you honey.

Kitty: You have a job. It's your job to get good grades, go to college and leave me.

Hyde: I can’t believe this. Who cares if Ford is coming?
Eric: It’s better than when the Oscar Meyers weenie mobile drove through.
Donna: They didn’t even stop! They just slowed down and threw a bunch of hotdog whistles at us.
Hyde: Two girls in a phallic RV, driving around handing out things you blow... What a great country.

Red: Listen, while you're here, why don't you shine this flashlight on that um, carburetor there. Jackie: Like this?
[The whole hood of the car is filled with light]
Red: My God! One of you's not useless!

Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macy behind the gym?
Hyde: Everyone.

Red: So, how's your friend, Janice?
Laurie: Pregnant.
Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how would that happen?
Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian to the uterus, where it attaches to the wall...

Eric: Oh, Laurie, I remembered I can't loan you the Vista Cruiser on account of I hate you.

Eric: I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.
Donna: Have you talked to Red about this?
Eric: I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? And this is like, twice as bad!

Fez: You’re always saying that you did it.
Eric: Kelso, she wears the pants and they have never come off.
Kelso: Look at my face. This is a face that did it!
Fez: Holy smokes, I think he did it!

Eric: Man, you had to repeat first grade? !
Jackie: Oh my god! Michael, say it’s not true! !
Kelso: It was cursive writing, all right? All those stupid squiggles and bumps!

Donna: Okay, next question. What has this job taught you?
Bob: One thing I've learned, midgets make money. I don't know why, but, people see a midget, they wanna buy a blender. I guess it reminds them that life is short.

Red: What the hell happened to Bob's hair?
Eric: Beats me.
Red: His head looks like a poodle's ass. Boy, just when you think you've seen everything...
Eric: A poodle's ass walks into your party!

Ricky: Hey Forman, who said you were on break?
Kitty: I did.
Ricky: And who are you?
Kitty: I'm his mother!
Ricky: Good enough then.

Eric: What are you talking about? All she said was she'd be alone on Saturday night with a pizza... Oh my God, I'm so stupid.

Ricky: Hey, how's that mopping coming along?
Eric: Well, I'm just happy to be a part of the Fatso Burger family. [Ricky walks away] You dumbass.

Jackie: Mrs. Pinciotti, can you please tell Donna I'm right? Isn't it cool when men act like they own you?
Midge: Oh, yeah!
Donna: Mom, what about all those feminist classes you took?
Midge: Oh, right. No.

Jackie: I’ll be counting the minutes.
Kelso: Can’t you just use a clock?

Jackie: What's important is, he's better than you. In every conceivable way.
Kelso: Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!

Donna: Just because a guy pays attention to me, it does not mean he wants to get me naked!
Eric: Oh, grow up!
Donna: Is that why you paid attention to me?
Eric: OF COURSE! ... Not! Of course not! I love your mind. That's what I love.

Bob: And Kitty, since you and Midge are so close, she'd like to ask you a special favor.
Kitty: Oh, Bob! I would be honored to be Midge's--
Bob: She'd like you to bring chairs.
Kitty: [let down]-- chair bringer.

Kelso: Jackie! We can do that for the rest of our lives! Star Wars is a limited engagement!

Jackie: If you say 'See Star Wars' again, I'm leaving.
Kelso: You don't want to leave. You want to see Star Wars.

Kelso: You going to come to Star Wars tonight?
Jackie: Michael, I told you. I don't like space.

Red: The world is a tough place. You drop your guard for one second, and they’ll kick you right in the ass!
Kitty: Well, you’re right. Red, the world is hard, so, wouldn’t it be nice if Eric came home to a place that wasn’t?
Red: Fine, Kitty, when you win the lottery, you can buy him Disneyland.

Jackie [about SNL]: I hate that show. Okay, they have these commercials that you think are real, but they're not real. And then, you wanna buy the stuff!

Midge: Bob doesn’t want me to take this class, but it sounds so exciting! It’s all about female empowerment. It’s called "The Woman Warrior: Fighting female stereotypes." That’s the professor, isn’t he cute?

Midge: You know, the unexamined self is an unfulfilled self.
Bob: How can you be unfulfilled? I put a roof over your head, I pay the bills, I take care of you.
Midge: Yeah, but what do I do?
Bob: You fill out that sweater real nice.
Midge: What?! You...Oh!
Bob: What? That's a compliment.

Kitty: All right, all right. Now. You listen up. I have had an extremely stressful day. And I am not proud of what I'm about to say, but someone give me a cigarette. Now!
Eric: But mom, we don't smoke.
Kitty: Cut the crap, Eric! I am a nurse. I know that one in five teenagers smoke. [Pointing at them] ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! Now. I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them there had better be a cigarette between these two fingers! Come on people, hop to!
[She closes her eyes and Hyde puts a cigarette in her hand.]
Kitty: Thank you. Light! [All five hands flick their lighters.]