pilot
Liz: I'm Liz Parker and five days ago I died. After that things got really weird.
Maria: You are sooo bad girl. Oh, and Max Evans is staring at you again.
Liz: No way. Maria, that is so in your imagination. Max Evans? [points to her face] This? No, un uh..it's not...
Maria: And with those cheeks! Preciosita tan linda!
Liz: Maria! And even if it weren't, I'm going out with Kyle. He's steady and loyal and he appriciates me.
Maria: Sounds like you're describing a poodle.
Liz: You're not an...an a...an alien. Are you?
Max: I prefer the term "not of this earth"
Isabel: Roswell's home.
Michael: Roswell's not home. It's not even our solar system.
[max is being arrested]
Max:Aren't you going to read me my rights?
Sheriff: Do you have any?
Liz: I need to know the truth, Max. I need to know everything, or I'm just going to go to Valenti and tell him everything I know.
Max: Okay.
Liz: Okay. [reads question from page] Where did you come from?
Max: I don't know. When the ship crashed, I wasn't born yet.
Liz: So there was a crash?
Max: All I know was that it wasn't a weather balloon that fell that night.
Liz: The ship crashed in 1947. You're sixteen.
Max: We were in some sort of incubation pods.
Liz: We?
Max: Isabel and Michael are... also.
Max: We don't tell anyone. We sort of think our lives depend on it.
Liz: So when you healed me, you risked all of this getting out, didn't you?
Max: Yeah.
Liz: Why?
Max: It was you.
the morning after
Isabel (to Michael): Are you insane?
Michael: I didn't just wander in. I had a cover story.
Max: What was your cover story?
Michael: I was selling candies for the charity. Peanut cluster?
Max: And they bought it?
Michael: No, they all seem to be on the diet.
Isabel: Not the candy, Einstein, the story.
[voice over/writing in diary]
Liz: September 27. I'm Liz Parker and I will never look at the stars in the sky the same way again. I'll never look at anything the same way again. What did Max Evans mean when he said, "I'll see you in school?" Was it "I won't be able to breathe until we meet again" or was it just something someone says to, like, fill space? And what is he thinking right now? Is he also obsessed, tortured, going through one sleepless night to the next, wondering what's going to happen between us?
Maria: I mean, what do we know about these people? Nothing. How do we know that they're not 3 feet tall, green and slimy?
Liz: I guess we don't.
Maria: And do you know what else doesn't like particularly please me? These powers. How do we know they just can't like wiggle their noses and like poof us into oblivion?
Liz: I guess we don't.
Maria: Ok, you are like, being so casual about this. I want to choke you. Liz we are dealing with aliens!
Liz: OHH! Would you please not say that word in public.
Maria: The point is that we don't know anything about these Czechoslovakians. Are they good Czechoslovakians? Bad Czechoslovakians? We don't know. They're just random Czechoslovakians. For all we know they don't have their passports.
Maria:The guy touched you and saw into his soul. How do you know what happens if he kisses you? You don't know what it is to be kissed by a chechoslovakian.
Isabel: Because, Michael, I have a date with a guy that I like. In fact, I like my whole life here. In fact, I have a date next Friday that I’m hoping I won’t have to miss because I’m running from the law.
Liz: OK, I’m still confused. If you crash-landed in 1947, are you really 16 or are you like 52 in a 16-year-old’s body? Or do you guys just age differently? I mean, is like 1 alien year equal to 3 human years?
Max: You’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?
Liz: Kind of.
Max: Well, we know we came out of the pods in 1989. We just don’t know how long we were there. When we came out we looked like 6 year olds.
Maria: The eraser room does two things: cleans erasers and takes our innocence.
Liz: So, were you like green?
Max: Green?...No. we always looked like this, except for the third eye...Kidding.
Alex: OK, I want some answers, all right? Because first of all, there are rumors going around that last week you were shot here in the cafe. And then at the crash festival you (motions to Maria) were seemingly run over by a car, but then you weren't. And everytime I walk up to you two, you go silent or make up some ridiculous story about Czechoslovakia, which is a country that has not existed for 10 years. So I want the truth, and I want it now.
Liz: Alex, the reason that we keep on changing the subject is...
Maria: Cramps. We have cramps, Alex.
Liz: Yeah, and we didn't even want to talk about it in front of you because we thought it would make you feel really uncomfortable.
Maria: But if you want really want to know, we can tell you.
Liz: In really excruciating detail.
Alex: No! I'm eating.
monsters
Maria: Going home? [Isabel glances at spaceship on top of tow truck, then glares at Maria.]
Maria: Ahem..I mean, need a ride?
leaving normal
Liz [voiceover]: The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention. That sometimes your heart takes to places that you shouldn't be, places that are as scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. And sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending. And that's not even the difficult part. The difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal, you go into the unknown... and once you do, you can never go back.
Michael(to Max): Gandhi feeling frustrated?
missing
Liz: How am I going to tell Max?
Maria: My advise, over drinks.
Michael: You could have put us in an awful spot, Liz. Roswell's not exactly the town you want to be unique in, if you know what I mean. You have to know who your friends are. I had to know the risk, so I had to know what your journal said.
Liz: You took it...
Michael: I never meant for things to get out of control...it's nice to know we have at least one friend in this town.
Liz: Does Max know that you...
Michael: No... and you know what would be really great? If you didn't tell him.
Liz: But why didn't you just destroy this, Michael? Because anyone that found this would know all about you.
Michael: No... they'd know all about you, Liz. Thank you for giving me one more reason to envy Max Evans.
285 south
Isabel:The perfect Liz Parker, lying to her mother?
Liz: Yeah, well, at least she knows what species I am.
Maria: God, I just... I knew you had criminal tendencies, you even drive erratically.
Michael: What's exactly wrong with my driving?
Maria: I told you not to go over 80, the engine won't take it.
Michael: Maybe it's just tired of hearing you talk?
Maria: What other human urges you feel?
Michael (gets really close to her face): Not if you were the last woman on Earth.
Michael[about the bed]: I don't suppose we could share?
Maria: Not if you were the last allien on Earth.
Michael(to Maria): Come on, honey, we don't have to lie.
Isabel: I believe you. The day Michael calls anybody honey, it's all over.
Maria:You can't just make-up answers.
Michael: Who says I'm making them up?
Maria: You do not watch the View.
Michael: Keeps me in touch with my feminine side.
Maria: You're stealing my car!
Michael: I'm borrowing your car. Now get out.
Maria: You're telling me to get out - this is my car. Actually, this it's my mother's car, and if anything happens to it life as I know it will be over, so wherever it goes, I go.
Michael: Fine, you had your chance.
Maria: Oh my God, you're kidnapping me. No wait, you're abducting me!
river dog
Maria: You know, all I ask of you is to just try to make me feel better. You know, be a guy or whatever...Forget it, I have obviously bark up the wrong tree.
blood brothers
Maria: This is the second time you dragged me into some cheap motel.
Michael: Yeah, well, don't spread it around. You'll ruin my reputation.
Michael: Stick a fork in us, Maxwell, we're done.
Max: You saved my life.
Alex: Yeah, well, you screwed up mine.
heatwave
Liz : Max, you know when you said before that we couldn't be together? That we were different? I just sort of accepted it, you know? Because I thought that it was like physically impossible. That it...that it couldn't be. But when I saw Maria with Michael... the truth is that... I was hurt, Max. Why is it ok for them, but it's not ok for us?
Max : Liz, I think that what I'm afraid of isn't that we try this and it works out really badly. What I'm afraid of is we try it and it works out really well. I'm afraid of feeling everything that I know I would feel. Because I know it's not meant to be. And somewhere down the line, we're gonna get hurt. I can live with that. I just couldn't bear to hurt you.
Max : What's wrong? Maria?
Michael : It has gotten complicated. Suddenly, she wants to know where I'm going after school. She wants to have conversations. She wants to talk about my feelings. And now, she wants to go to a party together.
Max : That thing at the old soap factory?
Michael : Right. Like suddenly the eraser room's not enough. I can't let this become a public thing. I mean, she should know that. But all week long I've had this weird feeling. Like I was gonna hurt her or something. That just being who I am is gonna hurt her.
[They almost kiss. Liz's teacher comes in]
Teacher: Hey, Liz, how you're doing on the mating ritual?
Liz: I was doing just fine.
Max : When I saw Valenti taking you away like that...it just hit home for me, you know? How much knowing me has screwed up your life.
Liz : No, it's just the opposite.
Max : Thank you for saying that.
Liz : It's the whole truth, Max.
Max : I better go.
Liz : Why?
Max : Cause if I don't go right now, things are gonna change.
Liz : Change, how?
Max : I'm gonna have to touch your hair...cuz it's so soft...and I'd have to tell you that...no matter what we go through, it's all worthwhile for me because we're together.
Liz : And then?
Max : And then... I'd have to do this... [kisses her on the lips][hee hee *^.^*]
Max: We agreed to discuss before we act on any …you know…urges.
Michael: Well, I hate to tell you this, Max, but when I have these…urges, you're not exactly the first person I think about.
the balance
Max: You broke up? Why didn't you tell me?
Michael: I don't know if we did or we didn't. It's kind of confusing.
Liz: Cherry cola on the house.
Maria: Yours is $1.25.
Michael: I guess it's not so confusing anymore.
Mrs. Evans: Max, honey, Liz is here.
Max: We're just...going out
Michael: You're going out.
Isabel: What, like on a date?
Max: No, not at all. We both kinda felt like Chinese food. It's no big deal
Isabel: Why are you changing your shirt?
Liz : Ok, you know like all of that time that I spent with Kyle...I didn't have any of those feelings that I did when I was with Max. What about you?
Maria : Doug Sohn in the eighth grade?
Liz : Yeah.
Maria : Amateur. Michael is the real thing.
Liz : Ok, now, here is the big question. Do you think that we feel like this just because of the fact that they're like...
Maria : Oh, their non-human status.
Liz : Right.
Maria : What if they've like ruined it for us with anyone else?
Liz : Yeah.
Maria : Leave it to Michael to just wreak havoc on the rest of my life, even though he wants no part of it.
Liz: Maria, he'll change his mind
Maria: I don't think so. Besides, I've come to the conclusion that it could never happen. I mean, human/allien relationships are bound to be disasters. Just don't think that you can enter into something with Max and expect not to get hurt in the end of it. I mean, me? I'm teflon, babe. Michael starts acting like a total loser, I just walk away. But you and Max, uh...you've got that whole ...look-into-my-eyes soulmate thing
Alex: Why would you be sent down here to begin with? What purpose could you possibly have?
Isabelle: To wipe out the world, one annoying teenager at a time
toy house
Michael: Dealing with Frick and Frack over there is one thing, but we can't bring adults into this and expect them to handle it. Adults are the enemy, Max. Remember that.
Max: Michael, you say everyone is the enemy.
Michael: They are.
Michael: I gotta be a stone wall and when I'm with you sometimes I don't feel like a stone wall anymore.
Maria: What do you feel like?
Michael: I don't know...like, confused.
Maria: Human?
Michael: Yeah, and I don't want to feel that way.
Liz: Hey.
Max: Hey.
Michael: Hey.
Maria: Yeah, whatever.
into the woods
Maria (to Liz): My idea of the great oudoors is rolling the windows down on the way to the mall
Maria: See what I'm saying? These checkoslovakians have way too weird of an effect on us. And if you don't stay away from them, Liz, I'm gonna be picking up the pieces of your heart for the rest of your life
Liz: No, you're not, because I AM staying away from him, Maria. Max and I haven't even talked to each other for days
Maria: Really?
Liz: Yes.
Maria: Then why has he been staring at you since he came in?
Liz: He has?
[Maria sighs. Liz turns and looks at Max]
Maria: Am I going to have to do an intervention with you? Liz, make him think that you are over him, that your life is so exciting. Lie if you have to. It's for your own good.
the convention
Isabel (about the UFO center): This place is psychologically damaging.
Max: Michael, I've gotta talk to you about something. Personal
Michael: Nothing's too personal
Max: How do you do it with Maria?
Michael: Too personal
Max: No, I mean...How did you stop? I can't stop thinking about Liz. Every time I see her she just starts going into a slow motion
Michael: Maxwell, you've gotta be strong. You can't let yourself be led around by your...(looks at the lower part of Max's body where there's a glowing green circle)...your energy source
Isabel: You've gotta stop following me, Alex
Alex: I'm not following you, are you kidding me. I just happened to be here. The whole town is here.
Maria: Oh, good, you found Isabel. [to Isabel] He was looking for you
[Maria kisses Michael]
Michael: Mud
Maria: What?
Michael: Mud. I'm thinking about mud
Maria: Why do I even try?
blind date
Liz: This can never be normal, Max.
Max: What's so great about normal?
DJ: Hey, what's running through your mind right now, Liz?
Liz: Oh, uh, yeah, nothing I can say on live radio
Max: We didn't break up, Kyle
Kyle: Max, Max, Max, don't lie to yourself like that.
Max: We didn't break up because we were never together
Kyle: She really did a number on you, didn't she? But I've come to realize that's her pattern. She's a man-eater. And I pity the fool that the radio station fixes her up with 'cause she's gonna fall in love and then the hunger begins all over again.
independance day
Maria: You know the boy that I slept but didn't sleep with?
Amy (maria's mom): Unfortunately the shock has indelibly printed his face on my brain.
Maria: He's in jail.
Amy: Oh, this just gets better and better, doesn't it?
Maria: He's [Valenti] that type, you kow, that guy, that tough guy who like can't open up or admit he has emotions, or admit that he...needs you, you know. Those are the most dangerous of them all, I promise
Amy: Don't worry, honey, Michael will come around
Maria: Mich..what?..I was not...I din't say one thing about Michael
Amy: Sure, you didn't
Maria: I meant, hypothetically
Amy: Whatever, honey
Maria: Just...just take it slow, all right? Once they get physical, you know, once they get what they want...they disappear
Amy: I hope you're not talking from experience
Maria: Just yours
Maria (yelling at Michael): What are you doing out there? No, you can't come in. No. I know why you're here, I know what your plan is, I know what you want. But it's not gonna work this time, no matter what you say. My answer is "No". NO, NO,NO,NO,NO!
[Next scene: she's drying Michael off]
Liz (to Maria): What you said about Max really made sense and I've been sticking to it. And you'd be so proud of me. Just last night I said it really clearly, "No". Of course, Max wasn't there but when he is there, I'll be ready for him.....
Maria: He [Michael] was with me last night.
Liz: What? He spent the night? Maria, what happened to "No"?
sexual healing
Michael: Listen, Maxwell. You're a sensitive guy and you have available to you one of the top three seduction lines in history with 'It's going to help me find my home planet'. And you're refusing to use it. No guy is that sensitive. Use it.
Liz: This was different
Maria: Different how?
Liz: Um...like beyond
Maria: Wait
Liz: What?
Maria: You guys didn't go..beyond?
Liz: No, no, no
Maria: Gonna say, you were only out for 5 minutes...
Liz: I know. Listen, if..when..when I actually do it, it is not gonna be between a plate of kealbasa and a deep fryer
Alex: In the interest of science, kissing being purported to provoke these certain insights, you know...I wanted to offer myself as a human subject available for experimentation
Isabel: It's not gonna happen, Alex
crazy
Maria: Is that so hard?
Michael: What?
Maria: Acting like a real couple: kissing, arms around each other, shoulders... actually excited to see one another.
Michael: Overrated.
Tess, lies and videotape
Maria: Hi guys, what's up?
Alex: Hey.
Michael: Nothing.
Maria - "What is that, like porn or something?
[Checks herself out on video screen] Ooh, I'm not as flat as I thought I was.
Michael: It's a wide-angle lens.
four square
Michael: I've been thinking.
Maria: Oh, great. This usually involves me having to get my car towed.
Isabel: I don't think that anyone or anything that would pretend to be a teenage girl in order to seduce Max is on our side.
Michael: Why are you so scared of being alien?
Max: Why are you so scared of being human?
max to the max
.....
destiny
Liz: So everything Nasedo told me was true. You and Tess were meant to be together.
Max: Liz.
Liz: I mean, it's your destiny, right?
Max: I wish I could go back Liz. Back to when things were normal.
Liz: Me, too. I just wish that I could have stopped you from saving my life that day in the CrashDown.
Max: Don't say that.
Liz: Max, the day that you saved my life, your life just ended.
Max: No, that was the day my life began. Liz, when I was in that room, and they did what they did to me. You're what kept me alive. The thought of you. The way your eyes look into mine. Your smile. The touch of your skin. Your lips. Knowing you has made me human. Whether I die tomorrow or fifty years from now, my destiny is the same: it's you. I want to be with you, Liz. I love you.
Liz: I love you.
Maria: It's never been safe. What difference does it make now?
Michael: No, I'm not safe. All right, I can' do these things and I can't controll them. Look what I did to Pierce. I'm not gonna take that chance with you. I don't want you to be around for what's gonna happen.
Maria: Wait, don't do this to me, Michael. Please, all right? You need me now more than you have before.
Michael: No, I don't need anyone.
Maria: Well, maybe I do, did you ever think of that? I mean, look, Max and Liz, they can't bear to be separated. But you, you can just throw me away, just like that. Why is that, Michael? Why?
Michael: Maybe because I love you too much... Good-bye.
Skin and bones
Max (voiceover): Well, I guess the natural place to start is...that I'm an alien...a hybrid, actually. You know, human DNA mixed with alien DNA...that kind of thing. Oh, I almost forgot. My sister Isabel and our friend Michael are also a little green around the gills.
Michael : You're our leader. Why don't you lead us? Max : Fine! Crack some more rocks.
Liz : I'm not a dork. I just enjoy science.
Maria : Why? Because you're destined to be with Isabel?
Michael : No. I don't buy that. Because I'm destined to be the soldier, and a soldier can't have some chick at home waiting for him.
Maria : Michael, half the movies ever made are about soldiers with chicks waiting at home for them.
ask not
Maria : It is just a matter of time before you weaken.
Liz : Thank you.
Maria : It's not a dig. It's just a fact. You are in love with him. You can't live without him, and you're going to get back together with him.
Tess: "Sure, Tess. As long as you keep your hands off me." It's ok. I know how you feel about me...how everyone feels about me.
Tess : Kind of uptight about nudity, aren't you, for a guy who reads Jugs? Kyle : Give me that!
Tess : Oh...the post-its? Nice touch.
Tess : "Buddhism for Beginners" is also under your bed. How do you think the Buddha would feel about being sandwiched between Hustler and Busty Biker Babes?
Kyle: You look really great when you're pissed.
Tess: Yeah, right.
Kyle: No, I'm serious. I feel, like, all this energy coming from you right now. In order to trim the lamp of wisdom, we must attend to our bodily needs.
Tess: Let me tell you something, Buddha-boy... I got a lamp that needs some serious trimming.
Tess: You tell 'em, Buddha boy!
Suprise!!
Grant: Well, I'm impressed. No one's ever given me a surprise party.
Mrs. Evans: Oh, when's your birthday?
Grant: December 7th.
Mrs. Evans: And what year might that be?
Grant: Well, this obviously isn't a good time for a date.
Isabel: Well, you're welcome to stay.
Michael: Or go.
Kyle: Seriously. So, she's got her underwear and her bras and her girlie things all over the bathroom. Every time I go in to shave, I feel like I'm walking into Victoria's Secret.
Michael: So what's not to like?
Isabel: Kyle, where is Tess?
Kyle: She went to Jensen's to get your present. Anyway, she's taken over television, the computer, my phone. If some chick's gonna be yelling at me about keeping the toilet seat down, she better at least be doing me... Doing me...a favor.
Mrs. Evans: Hi. I'm, uh...I'm Isabel's mom.
Courtney: Chill out, NYPD blue.
Alex: Chill out? Chill out? I spent $150 to rent this costume. And do you have any idea how it feels to walk around all day with a thong up your ass?
Maria & Courtney: Yes!!
summer of '47
Betty: Already fixed it. Cars are like men, Carver. Give their cable a little jiggle and they'll be fine 'til morning.
Maria: I would like to think that I've been patient, the epitome of restraint...but for God's sake, Michael, she's not even a real blonde.
Maria: I'm sorry. When humans need rides, they take Jettas. And when aliens need rides, they take spaceships. Oh! Find one.
the end of the world
Liz : Max keeps coming to my window and telling me he wants to be with me again, but I know it's... it can never work out.
Alex : Isabel, she gave me another one of those "Alex, you're such a great friend" speeches. It made me want to puke.
Maria : I have Michael Guerin. He's mine. You should have seen his face when he apologized to me. His eyes were practically begging me to take his sorry ass back. I have so landed him for once and for all... I think.
Future Max : 3... 2... 1.
Liz : Well?
Future Max : I said approximately.
Psychic: This boy... very volatile.
Maria: That's good for sex, right?
Liz: No, you're not Max, okay? You... you're like a shapeshifter. You are like some other kind of alien, with, like, the ability to look like Max with that beard and those... and those grey hairs.
Future max: Do you really see grey?
Liz:No. Making love to you is the farthest thing from my mind. I... I don't even have protection.
Future Max: I did.
the harvest
Maria : We're asking the questions here, ok? Now, why are you in Roswell? Where's the rest of your evil army? And most of all, why are you obsessed with my good-looking, if badly groomed boyfriend?
Courtney : I'm not obsessed with him, ok? I follow him in the... political sense.
Michael: No dice. She wouldn't do that. She's obsessed with me.
Maria: Well, I guess that makes 2 of you, then, doesn't it?
Maria: Oh, please! Do your lips not get chapped from all the ass-kissing?
Courtney: The point is, I've been a babe for 50 years. What are you gonna look like in 50 years from now?
wipe-out
Maria : So how does electricity work?
Kyle : Why are you lookin' at me? We were both in the same remedial science class for 3 years.
Nicholas: I knew it was only a matter of time before you rejoined our side, Vilandra.
Nicholas: And what could you possibly have to offer us?
Isabel: Me.
Nicholas: You always were a flighty little princess. Jewels before studies. That's our Vilandra. We have you, you beautiful moron.
meet the dupes
Max : What are you running from?
Isabel : I'm just getting in shape.
Max : Since when? Your only exercise used to be the escalator at the mall.
Lonnie : Well, they made one batch and didn't get it quite right, so...they made another.
Michael : So you guys are, like, defective.
Lonnie : Actually, you're the defectives.
Maria: Clearly, you are a man with too much money. Look, I don't know what you're thinking, Mister, but Maria De Luca, right here...not for sale. I mean, sure...no. No! Not even for that much money.
max in the city
Nicholas : Royal rejects is more like it.
Rath : Hey, yo, get this straight. We are the originals. They are the rejects.
Nicholas : Ha. Uh, gee...they were carefully hidden away in Roswell and got custody of the granilith. You were dumped in the sewer. Figure that out.
Nicholas : Nice to see your genocidal girlfriend again. Killed anyone today?
Tess : Day’s not over.
Tess: Why don't they...come in person?
Rath: You see, little girl, space is what we call very, very big. You know, it's not easy to get places. People just don't zip around the galaxy like on Star Trek.
a roswell christmas
Michael : Come on, Maxwell. Just pick a tree. It's freezing out here.
Max :It's not so simple. This tree's got to fall within certain parameters.
Michael : Parameters?
Max : Height, circumference, color, density of foliage. Look at this diagram. You know how Isabel gets this time of year.
Michael : The Christmas Nazi, driving everyone insane while trying to have the perfect Christmas. The worst thing you can do is play into it, Max. You've got to fight her. You've got to fight the Christmas Nazi.
Isabel : Max. This is, by far, the most pathetic Christmas tree I have ever seen!! Did you even refer to my diagram??
Viva las Vegas
Michael(to Liz): No lecturing, no moralizing, no whining about spending money on the homeless. This weekend it's about fun and debauchery. You got it?
Michael: These are your aliases. You will use these aliases for the duration of our trip. Sound off.
Kyle: Harvey Wallbanger
Tess: Piña Colada
Alex: Tom Collins
Isabel: Brandy Alexander
Maria: Margarita Salt
Liz: Shirley Temple
Max: Rob Roy
Michael: And I'm your host Dr. Love
Maria: Do you know were I was tonight? I was auditioning to be a stripper. Little innocent me.
Michael: Did you get the job?
Valenti: So you skipped school. Missing class is excusable if it involves saving a planet - yours, mine, or any other. It is not acceptable if it is done in the name of under-age gambling. Is that clear? Each one of your parents is going to hear from me later today. I expect you back in Roswell this afternoon. Kyle, get in the car.
Kyle: I was up $1600.
Valenti: Now!
Michael: I'm glad I'm adopted.
Tess: Yeah, me too.
Valenti: Tess! Don't make me come back in there.
Michael: Braveheart.
Max: How many times can you watch that thing?
Michael: I’m still trying to get an accurate body count.
departure
Liz: I-I trusted you, I gave you everything. I jumped off bridges for you, I broke laws for you, I risked getting shot for you, I trusted you! And you go off - God, with Tess - God, I saved myself for you!
Michael: There's a lot about you Maria. There's a lot about you, but I think what means the most to me is that you're open. You know I can look into your eyes and I can see you. I can see what you're thinking. I can see what you're feeling. How much I mean to you sometimes, how much I piss you off sometimes. But I can always see you.
Maria: I see you too.
Michael: No, no you don't see me. You know when Max and Liz would kiss, and Liz would get the flashes? And when we would kiss you didn't. I know how much that hurt you.
Maria: That doesn't matter to me anymore Michael.
Michael: The reason you didn't get the flashes is because I didn't let you get them. I didn't let you see me. I've never let anyone see me before... because there are things inside of me that I don't want people to see. There's things inside of me that I'm not so proud of. But I've thought about it, and I want you to see me.
Max: This was all some kind of plan to get pregnant and go home, wasn't it?
Home to what, Tess? To Kivar? To our enemies?
Tess: They're not my enemies, Max.
Max: You made a deal with them, with Kivar.
Tess: No, Nasedo made a deal, 40 years ago.
Max: What was the deal? Tell me!
Tess: To return home with your child, and deliver the three of you to Kivar.
Max: And what would happen to us once you delivered us? ...How did I ever fall in love with someone like you? How could I ever marry you?
Tess: You were different - you were a king! Now you're just a boy.
busted
Max: Liz, I just want to put everything that happened behind us.
Liz: Yeah, you know that I would, too, if I had impregnated an alien killer who murdered one of our best friends and then left the planet with my unborn child.
Max: So you're still holding on to that?
Michael: Mr. Seligman, I know you hate my guts. Personally, I hate yours, too.
Mr. Seligman: This is how you ask a favor?
Michael: But if you help me graduate this year, then you won't have to see me next year.
Mr. Seligman: Well, you do have a point there.
Liz: I want to do this with you, Max. Together.
Max: Why?
Liz: Because if I had lost a child, I would want you to help me find him. But that's only part of the reason. The other part is that I don't want you to slip away from me. I know what it's like to be with you, and I know what it's like to be apart from you. And I would rather be with you.
Max: I don't know if I could live with myself if anything ever happened to you.
Liz: Max, you're an alien king. What could ever happen to me?
Isabel: Max, a little reality check. This ship you're talking about...sucks. It's a lemon. It crashed to begin with. That's why we're stuck here.
Michael, the Guys and the Great Snapple Caper
Isabel: My parents can barely get used to the idea of me dating high-school guys. You're a 26-year-old lawyer who works for my father, who's...
Jesse: ... who's Latino?
Isabel: You're Latino? I thought you just had a great tan.
Michael: Whose side are you on? I didn't get everybody fired. We all drank of the Snapple.
Maria: Wait, "drank of the Snapple." When did we get on Biblical terrain here?
Significant Others
.....
Secrets and Lies
Agent: My guy, my guy! Hey, you got it! You got it!
Max: I did?
Agent: Oh, I'm sure you got it.
Max: Really.
Agent: Absolutely. And if not, there's still Buffy.
control
Kal: So, this is the mighty king of Antar. A low-rent Tom Cruise with a $10 haircut?
Isabel: You know weddings are full of all kinds of stupid traditions, like the garter toss and that--that chicken dance and, well... bridesmaids, and since you guys are the closest thing I have to girlfriends, I was wondering if you would be mine?
Isabel: I've put a lot of thought into it, and I don't see any reason why Jesse has to know the truth.
Michael: Well, knowing what I know about alien sex, he's gonna have major questions after the honeymoon.
Kal: I destroyed my life for you tonight, all for nothing. Because of you, everything I’ve worked for is gone. It's how you've always been, your majesty: Selfish and ungrateful. Being your protector might be encoded in my genes, but after tonight... I'll never stop hating you.
Liz: You know that I have been with him through all of this. All of it. Any time that he needs anything, I'm there. Right? And he can't even pick up the phone.
Maria: Well, this phone that you speak of, it's a revolutionary concept, yes, but it does work both ways.
to have and to hold
ISABEL: You're gonna help me?
MARIA: Mm-hmm.
ISABEL: Thank you. Thank you, Maria. Ok, ok... You can start with, um... Um...You know what, you just start with everything. I gotta go.
LIZ: So what's the most pressing emergency?
MARIA: Uh, my dress, your dress, and her dress in that order.
MICHAEL: We've got bad news, Maxwell. Jesse Ramirez is... Ta-da! Human. Yeah, nice red blood cells. Not a green one in the bunch.
Mr. Parker: Liz, what the hell is going on? I just got a call from the bakery about a wedding cake.
Liz: Uh, yeah, I'm catering Isabel's wedding.
Mr. Parker: I'm not laughing.
Liz: I'm not joking.
LIZ: Dad, I'm gonna dance with Max. Not because it's tradition and not because I found some kind of loophole but because it's my choice. We love each other, and we are going to be together.
ISABEL: Kyle, did you see that guy who was here?
KYLE: The guy you were talking to and dancing with?
ISABEL: You saw him? You really saw him?
KYLE: Sure. Why? Who was he?
ISABEL: Someone who can't be here.
behind the music
Maria: So he didn't take it well, huh?
Liz: Alien Defcon 5.
Billy: Look past the somewhat flammable hair and see what I see... Dreams. Look. This girl has beautiful dreams. And she makes beautiful music. So, what happened to her?
Maria: Nothing. She just grew up.
Liz(to Michael): You know that you really suck at small talk? Why don't you just tell Dr. Parker what's on your mind?
Kyle: Michael, Michael, Michael. Let me explain something to you. Here on the planet earth we have this thing called jealousy.
Liz: Michael, please don't do anything stupid or alien or both, please?
Michael: Will you come back to me?
Maria: I don't know.
samuel rising
Michael : I thought so, but the more she says, the more confusing it gets. She wants space, but she still wants me in her life. All I know for sure is I'm not getting any.
Michael: Hail the Christmas Nazi.
Isabel: You know, Michael, I, too, was miserable around the holidays until I found my calling.
Michael: Making other people miserable.
Isabel(to Liz & Maria): There are no small assignments. Only small volunteers. You two are the smallest I could find for those elves costumes.
Michael : Other Santa's in rehab, so Isabel forced me to do this. You know how she gets around the holidays. Bring me a brat, snowflake.
Kids: Santa and snowflake are kissing!
a tale of two parties
Kyle(praying to Buddha): Thank you. Now that my immortal soul has been cleansed... on to more terrestrial concerns. It's been a dry couple years. Kyle needs a woman. Kyle needs her badly. Kyle needs her tonight.
chant down babylon
.....
Who died and made you king
Isabel(to Michael): Stop it! Max is in charge. My husband's life is at stake! Just do what he says!
Michael: No one ever listens to me. You didn't - not even when we were together. All you tried to do was make me weak.
Maria: No, I loved you!
Michael: I stayed on this planet for you and you show your appreciation by dumping me? Yeah, you love me.
i'm sure there will be more... but for now... here is the place where i put the quotes that i could not find the exact episode at. most of these i have a general idea, but u know..... sometime i'll get to them. *i just didnt want to miss out on some quality quotes!* ^.^
Maria: Yes, yes. You're trying to figure out how to be a leader. All right. Here's a little insight. JFK. He's not so great. Cheated on his wife with tramps. Ohhhh... now there's something you and Jack have in common. You're both involved with tramps. How is Tess, by the way?
Maria: Clear as a bell, no mistake, that's right. Miss Topolsky, all American guidance counselor and big, fat liar.
Michael: Never trust a blonde.
Maria: If it isn't Prince Charming and Quasimodo.
Micheal: Where are you going?
Maria: Santa Fe.
Micheal: Maria, where are you going?
Maria: Michael.
Micheal: Liz doesn't want us to know because she and Max are at war, so here's the thing: I'm not going to tell Max, but I need to know, because if wherever you're going turns out to be dangerous, I'm sure as hell gonna be there to protect you. So, where are you going?
Eric: So, uh, when did you meet Isabel?
Jesse: July 5th.
Eric: July 5th? Isn't that your birthday?
Jesse: Yeah, how about that for a present.
Isabel: Well, what are we going to do?
Max: I guess we're gonna have to find another planet to hide out on.
Isabel: But I like this planet.
Micheal: Me too. Where else are you going to find another planet that has Whoppers and Big Mac?
Isabel and Max: Shut up.
Kyle: Look I got a college girls phone number, I'm way ahead of the game. And you got to know when to hold them, and...
Isabel: When to fold them.
Kyle: And when to walk away.
Both: [sing-song] And know when to run.
Maria: Girlfriend. Like, I know that we bonded over the summer, but I'm not quite ready to show you the bod just yet.
Max: No. I was just wondering if you'd heard from Liz yet.
Maria: Not since you asked me an hour ago. No.
Max: I heard you on the phone with her.
Maria: Max, little advice. The girl goes off to some aunt in Florida for the entire summer and barely says good-bye to you. In layman's terms, she blew you off big time. I mean, and look at you. Look, you're like a groveling dog. (in a whiny voice) Have you heard from Liz today? Did Liz call? (end whiny voice) No. That's no good. Look, you've gotta play it cool, all right? Let her come to you.
Max: Let her come to me.
Maria: That's what I'd do.
Max: Wait. Didn't you just tell me that you left like 5 messages for Michael in the past 2 days?
Maria: What's your point?
Micheal: No, I'm not safe. All right, I mean, I can do these things that I can't control. Look at what I did to Pierce. I'm not going to take that chance with you. I don't want you to be around for what's going to happen.
Maria: Wait. Don't do this to me Michael, please. You need me now, more than you have before, alright?
Micheal: : No, I don't need anyone.
Maria: Well, maybe I do. Did you ever think of that? I mean, look at Max and Liz. They can't bear to be separated. But you, you can just throw me away. Just like that. Why is that, Michael? Why?
Micheal: Maybe because I love you too much. Goodbye.
Amy (maria's mom): Do you know what these are, Liz?
Liz: Long johns?
Amy (maria's mom): Maria's long johns. Why would Maria leave her long johns and all of her other winter gear at home if she went camping in the middle of February? (pause) Here's a theory from someone who's had several hours to muse on it. She didn't go camping. She lied to her mother, just like she lied to me the other four times she took off for days on end, each time leaving out on the open road another piece of her innocence, and my Jetta. Liz, I consider you a friend... and an extended member of this family, and I value the friendship you have with my daughter very much. But if you don't tell me everything you know about where the hell she is, I'm gonna become very violent with you.
Liz: Mrs. Deluca, she's fine. (pause) She's with Michael.
Liz: Oh my God Maria that's them! Cut a U-ie!
Maria: Cut a U-ie?
Liz: Maria!
Maria: Who are you?
Maria: I have no where else to go.
Micheal: [turns to her.] You've got plenty of other friends.
Maria: Like who? Liz? I've tried to talk to her, she hasn't been around.
Micheal: Do you even know what's going on with her?
Maria: Yeah, she's pissy and preoccupied and doesn't return my phone calls.
Micheal: She might be dying, Maria.
Maria: What?!?