cell phone ejector seats...coming to a theater near you...
Grind
Dustin: Bow wow, you keep barkin' at me and your gunna get a one way walk into the woods.
Matt: Greetings from the interior.
Matt: Whatsup white chocolate!
Redfreak: Bust you in your grill...
Blue 2: Bust you in your grillllll....
Dustin: Our grill?? is there some kind of BBQ later?
Dustin: Wake up, and smell the desperation.
Matt: I'm in a dry spell...
Dustin: To be in a dry spell you have to have been in a wet spell
Matt: I've had sex.
Dustin: With a human being?
Matt: Man, whose making up all these rules?
Sweet Lou: Wham, bam, steal the van.
Dustin: that's crazy. So what is your name? What is it? Huh? I can't even hear what you say? What did you say? Uh-huh?
girl: I can hear you. I'm just not listening.
Dustin: Just let me get you another glass of bitch.
Eric: You guys look. Wiggerdicks.
Dustin: I'm catching hepatitis just looking at it.
Dustin:(to matt) I'm gonna snap your head like a glowstick.
Matt: Chilli...chilli...Chilli...chilli...Chilli...chilli...Chilli...chilli...
kid:...but I could take you.
Eric: dude, what grade are you?
Kid: 7th grade. I'm 12 bitch.
Eric: You go something to teach me...talk to me when you're out of diapers.
Sweet Lou: Sweet Lou cleans no man's poop.
Win a Date w/Tad Hamilton
[Richard Levy shows Tad Hamilton a tabloid cover story.]
Richard Levy: Congratulations. You're actually drinking, driving, smoking, leering and groping at the same time.
Pete Monash: Heaven is just a mouse click away.
Pete Monash: Guard your carnal treasure.
Pete Monash: Tad Hamilton is an actor. How do you know he's not acting with you?
Tad: Yeah, Pete told me if I ever hurt you; that he would tear me to pieces with his bare hands or with his vicious rhetoric.
Rosie: Pete told you if you hurt me, he would tear you to pieces with his bare hands or with his vicious rhetoric? That is so... adorable.
Cathy: [to Tad] I'll show you things you've only hear of in the drug store.
Rosalee: Yikes-a-bee
Pete: [to Tad] Like do you know she has six smiles? One when something really makes her laugh. One when she's making plans. One when she is laughing out of politeness. One when she is uncomfortable. One when she is making fun of herself. And one when... she's talking about her friends.
Rosie: You have five smiles Pete. One when you think someone an idiot. One when you think someone's REALLY an idiot. One when you're singing to Barry White. One when you're getting all dressed up. And one when… you're looking at me.
Angelica: Well is it love, big love, or great love?
Pete: What?
Angelica: Well, love you get over in two months, big love you get over in two years, and great love, well great love... never. So which one is it? [Pete just takes a big gulp out of his drink.] Oh my god, it's great love.
Pete: Yeah, that just great.
Angelica: Rosalee, when great love is rejected something in a man dies.
Pete: Rosie, there something I want to ask you...
[Tad walks in]
Pete: What is the worst thing that could happen to me right now?
Pete: Angelica?
[Angelica quickly comes running over]
Angelica: Yes, Pete what is it that you desire?
Pete: Um... we like another round of beers.
Angelica: Someday Pete, when I ask what you desire you will say: you Angelica, you.
Pete: Yeah, I think we just take the beers for now.
[Cathy and Rosie are laughing]
Angelica: Well you got to win her back.
Pete: Believe me I have tried everything.
Angelica: Well what did she say, when you told her you loved her?
Pete: Ok maybe not everything.
Angelica: How did she react, when you kissed her?
Pete: Ok, maybe only two things.
Rosie: (to Tad) Do you think it is possible to love someone your entire life and never realize it?
Rosie: What did you want to ask me?
Pete: Oh it was nothing, it was nothing really. No, wait a minute, I remember what I was going to say. [Pete kisses Rosie] Rosie, I'm in love with you.
The Virgin Suicides
Doctor: What are you doing here, honey? You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets.
Cecilia Lisbon: Obviously, Doctor, you've never been a thirteen year old girl.
Cecilia Lisbon: The trees, like lungs, filling with air. My sister - the mean one - pulling my hair.
Rannie: I baked a pie full of rat poison. I though I could eat it, you know, without being suspicious. My nana, who is 86...
[starts to break down] she really likes sweets. She had three pieces.
Doctor: tell me what these remind you of
[holds up a bat]
Cecilia: A banana.
[the doctor holds up another bat]
Cecilia: A swamp.
[the doctor holds up another bat]
Cecilia: An afro.
Narrator: No one could understand how Mrs. Lisbon and Mr. Lisbon, our math teacher, could produce such beautiful creatures.
Drop Dead Gorgeous
Hank Vilmes: Ow, Harold, Mom said not the head.
Harold Vilmes: Well, Mom's dead, so shut your fly trap.
Hank Vilmes: I will if you shut your piehole.
Harold Vilmes: Don't make me kick ya where the good Lord split ya.
Loretta: Are we on "Cops" again?
Loretta: Can one of yous boys give me a ride home?
Annette Atkins: Don't fall for it. She lives two trailers down.
Loretta: So? Be real easy.
Annette Atkins: Go on home, Loretta. Come on. Go on, the party's over.
Loretta: Anyone?
Amber Atkins: Yah, my ma's clothes all melted onto mine forming, like, this big polyester meteor in our closet, y'know? But, in some kinda weird miracle, our neighbor boy, Kenny Johanson, found my tap costume on the roof o' their trailer while he was settin' coon traps for his dad. Here's the weird part: it was still on the hanger.
Amber Atkins: I don't eat shellfish. Mom always says, "Don't ever eat nothin' that can carry its house around with it. Who knows the last time it's been cleaned." She should know.
Amber Atkins: This is bullshit!
Iris Clark: That is not American Teen Princess language!
Amber Atkins: Well this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant! This... This... This is Nazi Germany!
Gladys Leeman: He sells reproductions! His furniture's as fake as my orgasms!
Pastor: And so, dear Lord, it is with deep sadness that we turn over to you this young woman, whose dream to ride on a giant swan resulted in her death. Maybe it is your way of telling us... to buy American.
Loretta: A rich family in a small town, it makes the papers when one of them takes a shit!
Gladys Leeman: You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America!
Loretta: . . . most smartest. . .
Annette Atkins: Most smartest?
Loretta: Most smartest!
Voice of Documentarian: So what was the theme of the pageant last year?
Gladys Leeman: Last year? It was, "Buy American."
Voice of Documentarian: And the year before that?
Gladys Leeman: "U.S.A. is A-okay."
Voice of Documentarian: Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant?
Gladys Leeman: "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's, maybe a gift from God or somethin'.
Amber Atkins: My mom never hid the fact that my dad chose his career over us. What was it she always said?
Loretta: Once a carnie, always a carnie.
Amber Atkins: Mom still cries every time she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top.
Annette Atkins: Who's this?
Amber Atkins: Oh, they're here to film me for their movie.
Annette Atkins: If they ask you to take your top off, get the money first.
[Answering "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?"]
Becky Ann Leeman: I'd have good strong roots in a town like Mt. Rose, a solid Christian trunk, and long, leafy branches to provide shade for handicapped kids on a hot day.
Nurse: Hello Miss Sad Pants, and her friend, Serious Sally! How about a nice cool mint to help turn those frowns upside down?!
Loretta: Do you think a nice cool mint would help if I shoved your head up your ass?!
[During the pageant interview]
John Dough: Name and spell all the United States in alphabetical order.
Amber Atkins: Seriously?
Loretta: What is wrong with you?
Amber Atkins: I don't know. I just didn't wanna win like this.
Loretta: You stop right there. You are a good person. Good things happen to good people.
Amber Atkins: Really?
Loretta: No. It's pure bullshit, sweetie. You're lucky as hell, so you might as well enjoy it.
Amber Atkins: Okay.
Loretta: Do you guys want some shots? I'm buyin'!
Amber Atkins: Hi. I'm Amber Atkins, and I am signing up 'cause two of my favorite persons in the world competed in pageants: my mom and Diane Sawyer. Of course, I want to end up more like Diane Sawyer than my mom.
Becky Ann Leeman: My mom gave me this 19 mill for my 13th birthday. Yeah. I'll always remember what she put on the card. "Jesus Loves Winners". That's why I always aim to win.
Amber Atkins: Loretta, never have kids.
Loretta: Oh, honey, God bless ya for thinking I still could.
Terry Macey: And you are...
Amber Atkins: Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
Terry Macey: Funny, you don't look dead!
Mary Johanson: With one week to go before the pageant I was finishing my outfit, rehearsing my talent, and running 18 miles a day on about 400 calories. I was ready.
Annette Atkins: I am reaching the point where I would kill someone for the nicotine under their fingernails.
ELF
[Buddy sees the mail room for the first time]
Buddy: It's just like Santa's workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms... and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me...
[answering the phone]
Buddy: Buddy the Elf! What's your favorite color?
Buddy: Us elves like to stick to the four main food groups. Candy, candy canes, candy corn and syrup.
Buddy: I just like to smile! Smiling's my favorite.
Buddy: Have you seen these toilets? They're GINORMOUS!
[Buddy burps loudly]
Buddy: Did you hear that?
Buddy: Watch out, the yellow ones don't stop!
Elf Teacher: Now, before we learn how to build the latest in extreme graphic chipset processors, let's recite the code of the elves, shall we?
[Buddy is pressing the elevator buttons at the same time]
Buddy: It looks like a Christmas tree.
Gimbel's Manager: There's no singing in the North Pole.
Buddy: Yes there is.
Buddy: SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA'S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!
Carolyn: Thanks Buddy!
[While Ice Skating, Buddy kisses her on the cheek]
Jovie: You missed.
Jovie: Now, tell me why you were in the girls' locker room this morning?
Buddy: I heard you singing and I wanted to join in.
Jovie: It didn't have anything to do with the fact that I was naked and in the shower?
Buddy: I didn't know you were naked.
Buddy: It's just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture.
Walter: [whispering] Call for security, Deb.
Buddy: [whispering] I like to whisper too!
Buddy: You sit on a throne of lies!
Buddy: Actually, I'm a human, but I was raised by elves.
Carolyn: I'm a human... raised by humans.
Buddy: Cool.
Emily: You sure like sugar, don't you?
Buddy: Does syrup have sugar in it?
Emily: Yes.
Buddy: Then YES!
Buddy: You're not Santa. You smell like beef and cheese! You don't smell like Santa.
[pointing to sign saying "World's Best Cup of Coffee"]
Buddy: Congratulations, guys! You did it!
Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.
Buddy: I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
Buddy: [reading the note he left on the etch-a-sketch] "I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR."
[Being beaten up by a dwarf he thinks is an elf]
Buddy: He's an *angry* elf!
adams family 1 & 2
[Wednesday is hooking up an electric chair.]
Wednesday: Pugsley, sit in the chair.
Pugsley: Why?
Wednesday: Because we're going to play a game.
Pugsley: What game?
Wednesday: [strapping him in] It's called, "Is There a God?"
Pugsley: Are they dead?
Wednesday: Does it matter?
Girl Scout: Is this made from real lemons?
Wednesday: Yes.
Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?
Pugsley: Yes.
Girl Scout: I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?
Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?
Gomez: That's the spirit, Thing! Lend a hand!
[Watching Pugsley sleep]
Morticia: He looks so sweet. Looks just like a little entree.
Morticia: Children, what are you doing?
Wednesday: I'm going to electrocute him.
Morticia: But we're late for the charity auction.
Wednesday: But, Mother...
Morticia: I said no.
Pugsley: Pleeaaaase?
Morticia: Oh, all right.
Morticia: Thing, you're a handful.
Morticia: Don't torture yourself, Gomez. That's my job.
Wednesday: Please pass the salt.
Morticia: And what do we say?
Wednesday: NOW.
Morticia: Wednesday, play with your food!
Wednesday: I'm a homicidal maniac, they look just like everyone else.
Young Girl: ...and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
Debbie: What a lady killer!
Gomez: Acquitted.
[They're going swimming.]
Amanda Buckman: I'll be the victim.
Wednesday: All your life.
Wednesday: I'm not perky.
Amanda Buckman: Well, that's for damn sure.
Pugsley: We don't hug.
Gary: Oh, you're just shy.
Wednesday: We're not shy, we're contagious.
Amanda Buckman: Why are you dressed like somebody died?
Wednesday: Wait.
Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.
Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
Gomez: [to Fester] You'll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone who won't press charges.
Debbie: I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns or bombs or electric chairs, but sometimes people just won't listen and so I have to use persuasion, and slides. My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or were they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu. My birthday, I was 10 and do you know what they got me? Malibu Barbie. That's not what I wanted, that's not who I was. I was a ballerina. Graceful. Delicate. They had to go. My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long, coronaries, transplants. "Sorry about dinner, Deb, the Pope has a cold." Husband number 2: the senator. He loved his state. He loved his country. Sorry Debbie. No Mercedes this year. We have to set an example." Oh yeah. Set this! My latest husband. My late, late husband Fester, and his adorable family. You took me in. You accepted me. But did any of you love me? I mean, really love me? So I killed. So I maimed. So I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren't I a human being? Don't I yearn and ache... and shop? Don't I deserve love... and jewelry? Good-bye everybody. Wish me luck.
The Addams Family: Good luck.
[As an Indian, ad-libbing during a Thanksgiving play.]
Wednesday: Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf, and eat hot h'ors d'ourves. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller. And for all of these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.
[The dancer in the cake doesn't pop out.]
Gomez: Was she in the cake before you baked it?
[Lurch hangs his head.]
Morticia: I'm just like every modern woman trying to have it all. A loving husband, a family. I only wish I had more time to see out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.
Wednesday: You sent us to camp. They made us sing.
Debbie Jellinsky: I'll get you -- and your little hand, too!
Joel Glicker: You know what happens if my mother uses fabric softener? I die.
[Nanny holds up puppet]
Polly/Nanny: Hello, I'm Polly the Puppet.
Nanny: What do you think we should do today?
Polly: I know, lets all clean our rooms!"
[Wednesday holds up Devil-like puppet]
Wednesday: Hello Polly, I will clean my room... in exchange for your immortal soul.
Morticia: Wednesday's at that age when a young girl has only one thing on her mind.
Ellen Buckman: Boys?
Wednesday: Homicide.
[At Camp Chippewa]
Pugsley: What does chippewa mean?
Gomez: It's an old Indian word.
Wednesday: It means orphan.
[Pugsley hits a bird during archery practice]
Becky Martin-Granger: It's an American Bald Eagle!
Gary Granger: Aren't they extinct?
Wednesday: They are now.
Ron Buckman: Our Amanda's skipped two grades already. How about your boy?
Gomez: [beaming] Probation!
Wednesday: What are you in for?
Joel: I wouldn't go horse back riding.
Wednesday: That's all?
Joel: And I wouldn't make a bird house.
Wednesday: Why not?
Joel: I just wanted to read.
Gary: [Pops in and takes Joel's book] Not on my time, four eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ghost World
[At their High School graduation, Enid and Rebecca encounter Melora, an incredibly cute and annoying classmate]
Melorra: Oh my God. We have to get together this summer.
Enid: [Deadpan] Yeah... That'll definitely happen.
Enid: Josh.
Rebecca: Josh.
Enid and Rebecca: JOSH.
Enid: God, I'll bet he's in there jerking off.
Rebecca: I'll bet he never jerks off.
Enid: Yeah, he's beyond human, and stuff like that.
Rebecca: Should we leave him a note?
Enid: Sure. You got a pen?
[Rebecca pulls out a pen]
Enid: [writing] Dear Josh, we came by to fuck you, but you were not home. Therefore... you are gay. Signed Tiffany, and Amber.
Melorra: Oh my god, you guys actually made it.
Enid: [Deadpan] Yeah. We graduated high school. How... totally... amazing.
Enid: Wow, look at me. I'm not even listening to a word you're saying.
John Ellis: You know, you never paid me for that Indian dance routine tape.
Enid: Yes I did.
John Ellis: You Jews are so clever with money.
Enid: Fuck you. Stupid redneck hick.
Soda Customer: Hi, can I get a medium 7-Up?
Enid: ...Medium? Why sir, did you now know that for a mere 25 cents more you can purchase a large beverage? And you know... I'm only telling you this because we're such good friends: Medium is really only for suckers who don't know the concept of value.
Enid: He better watch out or he'll get AIDS when he date-rapes her.
Enid: It's not like I'm some modern punk, dickhead. It's an obvious, 1977 original punk rock look. I guess Johnny fuckface over there's too stupid to realize it.
Rebecca: I didn't really get it either.
Enid: Everyone's too stupid.
Enid: I think only stupid people have good relationships.
Seymour: That's the spirit.
Rebecca: Oh look, there he is.
Enid: As always.
Rebecca: Waiting for the bus that never comes.
Enid: I wonder if he's just totally insane, or he really thinks the bus is coming?
Rebecca: Why don't you just ask him?
Enid: Hi. What's your name?
Norman: Norman.
Enid: Are you waiting for a bus?
Norman: Yes.
Enid: I hate to tell you this, but they canceled this bus line two years ago. There are no more buses on this street.
Norman: You don't know what you're talking about.
Rebecca: So, what do you do if you're a Satanist?
Enid: Sacrifice virgins and stuff.
Rebecca: I guess that lets us off the hook.
Enid: I think I'm going crazy from sexual frustration.
Rebecca: And you haven't heard the miracle of masturbation?
Alcoholic Customer: Do you serve beer or any alcohol?
Enid: I wish. Actually you wish... after about five minutes of this movie, you're gonna wish you had ten beers.
Rebecca: This is so bad it's almost good.
Enid: This is so bad it's gone past good and back to bad again.
Rebecca: You actually like that guy?
Enid: I don't know, I kind of like him. He's the exact opposite of everything I really hate. In a way, he's such a clueless dork, he's almost kind of cool.
Rebecca: That guy is many things, but he's definitely not cool.
more to come!!