Blonde jokes (i've almost heard them all)


blondes on the job!!

Q: why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: they don't know the route.

Q: why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: so you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: how do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: the bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q: what is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: one that never misses a period.

Q: what job function does a blonde have in an m&m factory?
A: proofreading.

Q: do you know why the blonde got fired from the m&m factory?
A: for throwing out the w's.

Q: how does the blonde car pool work?
A: they all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: how can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: she is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering What she did with her pencil.

Q: how can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: a bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the Bosses' faces.

Q: why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: they can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: what do blondes do with their assholes in the morning?
A: pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: the rest are hunt'n peckers.

Q: what did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: she turned it over and used the other side.

blondes and cars....not a good combination!

Q: what is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons ?
A: you can also sit upright in a car.

Q: why do blondes drive VW's
A: because they can't spell Porsche!!

Q: why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: because they can spell it.

Q: why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: more head room.

Q: why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: more leg room.

Q: what does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: it's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: what do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: an air bag.

Q: how does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: she opens the car door.

i dunno... What's the difference???

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: you don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: what is the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A: a shower has to be turned on to get wet.

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: what's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: you can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: what is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: a toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: in the morning a rooster says, "cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "any-cock'll-doooo."


Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: not everybody has been in a limo.

Q: what is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: you can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: there is no difference. They're both round and have Three holes to poke.
A4: you don't eat your bowling ball

Q: what's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, And a blonde?
A: the prostitute says "aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says "are you done already?"
The blonde says "beige...i think i'll paint the ceiling beige."

Q: what's the difference between indiana and a blonde?
A: a blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Q: what is the difference between a blonde and the grand old duke of York?
A: the grand old duke of york only 'had' 10000 men.

Q: what's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: lipstick.

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: the blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and the panama canal?
A: the panama canal is a busy ditch.

Q: what's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a Blonde track team?
A: the pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

Q: what's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: one's a phony buck.

Q: what is the difference between a crazy fighting hockey player and a blonde?
A: he is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck. ((do the switching of the letters again, it took me a bit to get it so don't feel bad))

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: you take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

Q: what is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: not everyone has been in a 747

Q: what's the difference between a blond and an ice cream cone?
A: ice cream cones don't lick back.

Q: what is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: butter is difficult to spread.

Q: what is the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: they know how many men went down on The Titanic.

Q: what is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: what's the definition of a metallurgist?
A: a man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal or a common ore.

Q: what is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
A: vaseline and poli-grip.

Q: what is the difference between a blonde and a prostitute?
A: prostitutes don't drive Ferrari's

Q: what is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: what is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: some traffic signs say stop.

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
A: the light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a blonde bitch?
A: a blonde will fuck anyone, a blonde bitch will fuck anyone but you!!! (zing!!)

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: the shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: it's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A: one has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: when you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: you need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: only one person can use the phone at once.

Q: what's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: a magician has a cunning array of stunts.


mind games:
Q: how do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: blow in her ear.
A2: buy her another beer.

Q: how do blonde brain cells die?
A: alone.

Q: how do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: how do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: they don't like their brains being screwed with.

Q: why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: they have to pull their own pants down.

Q: what is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: how do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: what do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: a foursome.

Q: what do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: air pockets.

Q: what does "bones" mccoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "space. The final frontier......"

Q: how do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: tell her she's pregnant.

Q: what will she ask you?
A: "is it mine?"

Mating call!!! ka-kaw ka-kaw!!
Q: what's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: what is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: what's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: "all the blondes have gone home!"
A2: has that blonde gone yet?
A3: when is that blond bitch going to leave!?

Q: what's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "next!"


sick sick sick ba$t*Rd$
Q: how does a bitchy blonde do it doggy style?
A: she takes off her clothes and makes her boyfriend roll over & beg.

Q: how do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: her crayons are still sticky.

Q: why did the blonde with a big pussy douche with crest?
A: she heard that it reduces cavities.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q: what is a blonde's idea of dental floss?
A: pubic hair.

Q: what did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
A: she peed on her corn flakes.

Q: how does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: a 69 interrupted by a period.


A blonde joke without a refrence to sex... c'mon. get real...:
Q: why can't blondes count to 70?
A: because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: why do blondes have vaginas?
A: so guys will talk to them at parties.

Q: what nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
A: b.j.

Q: why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: she wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Q: what does the Bermuda triangle and blondes have in common?
A: they've both swallowed a lot of seamen.

Q: what is 68 to a blonde?
A: where she goes down on you and you owe her 1.

Q: what is foreplay for a blonde?
A: thirty minutes of begging.

Q: how do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: she drops her nail-file!
A2: who cares?
A3: she says, "next".
A4: the next person taps you on the shoulder.

Q: what's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating jell-o?
A: jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

Q: how is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: you have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

ha ha funny blondes...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop goes: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?" the blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" the blonde smiles and goes, "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on." At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful." The blonde starts her car up again. "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".


Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!!"


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."


There were these three women who escaped from prison. A red head, a brunette and of course, a blonde. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the red head in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"


A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She really really really wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. SHe got pissed at the shopkeepers because they refused to lower their prizes so the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"







I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.....

~she called me to get my phone number.
~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
~she put lipstick on he forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
~she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
~she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
~she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
~she sat on the TV and watched the couch
~she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
~she tried to drown a fish
~she thought a quarterback was a refund
~she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
~if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'll get change back
~they had to burn down the school to get her out of the third grade
~ under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics"
~she tripped over a cordless phone
~she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
~at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put "Sagittarius"
~she asked the a price check at the Dollar Store (this joke isn't that funny now because they do sell things for more than a dollar at these stores...
~it took her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
~if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
~she studies for a blood test
~she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
~she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
~she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
~she sold the car for gas money
~when she saw "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
~when she heard the 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
~she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
~when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
~when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that says "Airport Left", she turned around and went home