Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law
the continuation of the sequel of a huge disaster
by Black Dragon

Standard disclaimer applies. Then again, with Ranma Saotome: Attorney at law on my staff, who would dare to sue me?! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Work is based off Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, but with an anime twist. I've decided to come out with more chapters of this to celebrate the coming of new episodes of HB.

Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law
Case 3
**********************************************************************************

Adjusting the cuffs of his suit, Ranma stretched his legs out and then straightened, taking a deep breath.
Inu-Yasha reared back his hand, which was grasping a haphazard stack of papers. "You ready?"
Picking up the stapler on his desk, Ranma held it up before him, his eyes closed in deep concentration. "Bring it."
With that command, the half-demon attorney tossed the papers at his co-worker, causing the stack to scatter into a chaotic white flurry.
"HYAH!!" With a fierce battle cry, Ranma leapt into the fray, his stapler a black streak as it shot from one report to another.
*Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click*
Sheets began to quickly disappear before they had even touched the floor, and Ranma became the center of a black and white whirlwind as the papers were stapled into neat stacks in mid-air.
"Ha ha!" *Click* Ranma closed the stapler jaws a final time, and the last thin stack of contracts slowly fluttered to the carpet, bound by a single staple in the upper left-hand corner.
Inu-Yasha immediately fell onto his hands and knees and inspected the fallen papers closely.
"............... Perfect! They're all lined up, and all the staples are in the left corner!"
"Yes!" Ranma made a "V" with his fingers. "The assault of a thousand staples in its master form! Bureaucracy at its best!"
*Bonk!* The attorney's hand dropped as a sign collided with his head.
[Idiot! You took twenty-two seconds! Your time has gotten worse!] Genma stared down at his son condescendingly, shaking his furry head.
"Aw, shaddup. What do you know, anyway?" Snorting disdainfully, Ranma moved a trashcan right in front of him and then grabbed a stack of papers from his desk.
[You can't take your training lightly, boy! Saotome Anything-Goes Legal Combat isn't for the weak of mind or heart!]
Ranma held the papers over the garbage can as he replied. "And what do you know about it?! You got your legal 'degree' from a half-hour mail order training video!" While Ranma was talking, Inu-Yasha stood up and swiped at the stack of papers with his hand, causing the entire thing to almost disintegrate into a mass of shredded fibers.
[So what? You got yours from the same video!] Genma protested.
"Yeah, but I didn't cheat on the mail-in final exam!" Ranma said proudly, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Oh-ho! Burn!" Inu-Yasha pumped an arm up and down in the air.
As the panda left to sulk in the corner, Ranma began holding more contracts and old documents over the garbage can for his canine-ish colleague to shred.
"So, how'd your last case go?" Ranma asked casually.
"Awesome," Inu-Yasha answered, grinning, "I nailed it good. Miroku owes Sango ten grand, and I got the restraining order pushed to 20,000 feet! Can you believe that?! And they work in the same town! If that sucker is even close enough to know he has to avoid her, then we can nail him again!" The half-youkai chuckled as he continued cutting up the papers.
"Wow. How perfectly evil of you." Ranma commented, grabbing a box of old physical evidence and holding it over the trash.
*Wsh!* The box fell apart into dozens of clean-cut pieces. "Oh yeah. I love the legal profession."
There was a sudden burst of static, and the intercom on Ranma's desk activated. *Airen, a Miss Ryoko here to see you.*
Ranma blinked. "Huh. New client. Looks like I've got some work."
*Also, Kagome contact me from dog man office. Have custody case for little fox boy against Azusa Shiratori.*
"What?! AGAIN?!" Inu-Yasha shouted, gritting his teeth as he stomped out of the office. "Is it THAT hard to keep the little brat away from that ice-skating screwball? Goddamn rassafrassin..."
Ranma sweatdropped. "Oh-kay... send in Ryoko, Shampoo."
"Right behind you."
"Gyah!" Ranma jumped up into the air, and landed facing the other way, standing up straight, with his hands clasped behind his back.
Ryoko, whose head was sticking up out of the top of Ranma's desk, raised an eyebrow at the unusual display.
"Ah! Ryoko! I'm Ranma Saotome, attorney at law." He stuck out a hand, then almost pulled it back, hesitating. "Uh... so, do you have hands, or are you just a head, or what?"
Ryoko smirked slightly and phased through the desk completely so her entire body was floating above it.
"Ah, so you do! Among other things!" Ranma smiled and held his hand out again. "So, what can I do ya for?"
Ryoko nodded seriously and shook his hand. "Well... it's kind of embarrassing..."
Ranma snapped his fingers. "Lemme guess: prenup-covered adulterer's divorce settlement?"
Ryoko blinked rapidly. "Wh-What? No!"
"Gender-change operation gone awry?" Ranma guessed again.
"Huh?"
"Your plastic surgeon messed up your boob job and now you fly through solid matter?"
"All right! All right! Stop! Maybe it's not so embarrassing!" Ryoko shouted, grabbing the sides of her head in frustration.
After calming down, she took a deep breath and sighed. "It's a sexual harassment suit."
Ranma nodded, making a mental note to hold off on seducing this particular client. "Gotcha. Who's the perv and what'd he do?"
Ryoko bit her lower lip and twiddled her fingers. "Uh... that's the embarrassing part, really... You see, the lawsuit was filed against me."
Ranma stared at Ryoko for a moment. Then he snapped his fingers and pointed at her. "Ah! I get it. Lesbian, right?"
The space alien sighed. "No. He was a guy. His name is Tenchi Masaki."
Another long silence prevailed in the room. Ranma slowly looked Ryoko up and down, making critical observations about his client.
'Excellent legs, sweet ass, and an awesome rack... the hair is sort of freaky, but most guys wouldn't get that high before getting distracted.'
"So, is he married, or what?"
Ryoko grit her teeth. "No. No wife or girlfriend. At least as far as I know."
Ranma rubbed his chin. "I see..." then he shrugged, "well, believe it or not, some guys do value their private space more than sex. Hell, I used to be like that."
Then his expression turned stern, and he jabbed his finger at Ryoko. "BUT, that is no excuse at all!"
Ryoko blinked. "It's not?"
Ranma shook his head. "Sexual harassment laws are made to protect secretaries and nurses from lecherous and corrupt employers!" Then he added under his breath, glancing in the direction of Shampoo's desk, "Not that they do." Then he adjusted his tie and went back to righteous shouting. "In modern social conduct, applied to a relaxed non-business setting, such a line that ends up separating 'acceptable' from 'illegal' is too vague to be so strictly enforced! We can't punish every guy or girl that looks at a member of the opposite sex the wrong way, now can we?" He raised a fist in the air as he finished, staring at the ceiling.
Sighing, he slowly lowered his hand. "And yet, people today would still burden our courts with such frivolous nonsense. It's shameful to think a few words or a wandering hand could create such a disturbance in today's society."
Then he frowned. "By the way, exactly what is he charging you of doing?"
Ryoko chuckled in embarrassment, and clasped her hands together below her waist nervously. "Well, uh, you know how I came up into your office by phasing through the desk?"
Ranma blinked. "Yeah."
"Right," Ryoko said, "I did that. Except instead of a desk, it was Tenchi's bed. That he was sleeping in. Also, I was naked."
".................." Ranma remained silent for a few moments. "Then what happened?"
Ryoko shrugged her shoulders. "Well... I woke him up... I'm not going to describe how, if that's okay, and he sort of made to jump out of the bed, and I grabbed him and pulled him back in. After a little bit, another girl that lives in the same house-who is also NOT Tenchi's girlfriend-came in to see what was causing all the noise, and then she started fighting me, and we eventually took it outside of Tenchi's room, and then that evening this tall guy with goggles and a big hat gave me a summons."
".................." After another moment of silence, Ranma looked down and scratched his chin, deep in thought.
"So, why did you grab him, exactly?" He asked, not looking up at her.
Ryoko sweatdropped. "I thought he was just playing hard to get! Or maybe he was afraid of what Ayeka would think! He's always been like that!"
".................." Ranma finally looked up again. "Is it okay if I do my rant over?"
"Please do," Ryoko mumbled miserably.
"You are the victim here!" Ranma spontaneously shouted, gripping his hands into fists. "A poor, disillusioned young woman with a fragile heart, set upon a man who would not have you! You have beauty, charm, and I'm assuming some kind of wit! You press your honest affections, attempting to break through his emotional walls! You are guilty of nothing more than falling in love! And yet, he would punish your already flattened heart with harsh legal action?" He clasped his hands behind his back as he shook his head shamefully. "Terrible. Simply terrible. Where does it all end? Have you not suffered enough?"
Ryoko frowned and scratched her chin, considering. "Okay. Yeah. I'll buy that. Except that I'm not all that young, And I don't think that Tenchi really has 'emotional walls'."
"I'm afraid that my standard fee only covers two sessions of inspirational bull****. It'll cost you five hundred for another one," Ranma informed her bluntly.
She sighed. "Whatever. Does that mean you'll take the case?"
Ranma frowned, then he snapped his fingers above his head.
Ryoko blinked as a panda lumbered over to her prospective attorney and handed him something small.
Ranma blinked as well, and then turned his head to look at what he had been handed. "What the hell is this? A fortune cookie?! Where's the Magic 8 Ball?"
Genma shrugged his large, furry shoulders. [It disappeared right after it got back from the shop.]
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Oh Magic 8 Ball! Reveal my prospective future! Tell me, will I ever score with the ultra-hot secretary on the third floor?" Down in the mail room, Ataru held the black novelty item in the air above his head and shook it while closing his eyes in concentration.
When he lowered the ball in front of him and opened his eyes to look into the small viewing window, words slowly rolled up through the obscuring blue fluid. [Signs point to yes.]
"SWEET!!!"
[Provided you exchange bodies and personalities with the main character. Get a clue, you dip.]
"Awwwww..."
[Also, I know this isn't related to your question, but that shirt is HIDEOUS.]
__________________________________________________________________________________

Grumbling irritably to himself, Ranma broke open the fortune cookie, and stuck the shell in his mouth as he unfolded the paper inside.
*Crunch* *Crunch* *Gulp* "Lessee here... 'You will take the case'." Ranma blinked, then raised an eyebrow. "Huh. Simple enough."
He reached out a hand , and Ryoko shook it eagerly.
"Congratulations! You are now the proud client of the best lawyer in your price range!"
Ryoko began to nod, then stopped and pointed to the slip of paper Ranma was still holding. "Hey, there's something on the back here."
Ranma blinked, and turned the paper around. "'And you'll regret it, because as it turns out, your opposition is-'" His eyes went wide as he read the following name. "Aw, HELL no!!"
__________________________________________________________________________________

Sighing deeply, Ranma steeled himself as he prepared for the confrontation ahead.
The bar door jingled lightly as he entered, and Terry glanced over at him and raised an eyebrow.
"I was wondering why you didn't stop by. Kind of late for you, isn't it?" The street fighter offered, smirking.
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. But it's just the right time for him." The pigtailed attorney pointed at a figure sitting at the bar already, sticking out quite well in the long red coat and wide-rimmed red hat.
Terry raised an eyebrow and whistled. "I... see. He in your league, exactly?"
Ranma scratched the back of his head. "My league is pretty flexible, so it's hard to say. But I've got a pretty rough case no matter who the prosecution is, so this is gonna be a hell of a fight."
Terry nodded slowly. "Right. Drink?"
"Triple scotch. With a cherry, please," Ranma murmured, walking stiffly up to the figure already at the bar.

As Ranma approached, the figure leaned back slightly.
"About time you showed up, Saotome. You're late."
Ranma sighed. "Sorry Alucard. There was a Gundam battle downtown. Traffic was hell. I mean, like, figuratively. I don't mean it was actually... you know, like you and the... uh, what I meant to say was... never mind..." He shook his head as he stopped babbling, his senses and thoughts in disarray.
Alucard grinned slightly and held up his bloody mary to his lips. "So. Incidence of sexual assault, with witnesses and a history. Did you come here to beg for mercy?" The vampire's grin turned malicious as he lifted his drink to take a sip.
Ranma drew himself up. "Before we begin, I'd just like to point out that my client is a major babe, and that your client is being a big weenie."
Alucard snorted. "Tell that to the judge. I'm sure he'll understand." The vampire finished off the last of his bloody mary, then grinned again. "Equal protection under the law, Saotome. A woman isn't any more entitled to make unwanted sexual advances than a man. Even an attractive woman. There's no way you can stop me."
Ranma looked annoyed, but nonetheless took out a folded piece of paper and slapped in on the counter next to the undead lawyer. "We're willing to settle. Take a look."
Snorting disdainfully, Alucard took up the piece of paper and quickly scanned over it. Then he crushed it in his hand.
"Bah! You call this a settlement offer?! Why don't I just drain both you and your client right away and save you the humiliation of losing in court?!"
Ranma scratched his head as Terry dropped off his drink. "I'm almost certain that would violate some form of business etiquette." He picked up his drink and walked over to his vampiric opponent. "Look, Al-do you mind if I call you Al?"
"Yes." Alucard said sharply.
"Anyway, Al, try and look at it from this chick's point of view," Ranma insisted, putting his arm around the vampire's shoulder, "she's been brought up with the belief, which I very much support, that guys like a girl who puts out on a first date, or maybe before they dated at all. Are you going to let that kind of attitude die out because of some politically correct, geeky prude who feels that somebody violated his 'personal space'? I mean, think about the kind of damage he's doing! Not just to her ego, but to the whole of mankind! Men have spent centuries trying to break down womens' sexual barriers faster and with less emotional attachment! Think about yourself, Al! Think about how hard it will be to score with a babe if they have to be as careful as we are to respect personal space!"
Alucard shook his head as he shoved Ranma's arm off of his shoulder. "Not any harder than it is now. For me, at least."
Ranma blinked. "Huh? What's that mean?" He cocked his head to the side as his opponent sighed miserably. "There's a story here, I just know it."
Alucard grimaced. "Look, I don't like to talk about it, but... I'm really old, you know?"
Ranma blinked again. "No, I don't know. How old?"
"REALLY old." Alucard said, as if that cleared up the whole matter. "And even with immortals, after a certain amount of time..." He gestured toward his lower body. "The plumbing stops working so well."
Ranma's eyes widened momentarily. "Ah. I... see... well then......... bummer." He took a long gulp from his glass, figuring that it was long past the time to start filling himself fat with alcohol.
Alucard snorted, and eyed two men who walked into the bar. "My point is, don't expect me to sympathize with your 'easy women' bull****."
Just as the pair of patrons walked behind the conversing attorneys, Alucard suddenly whirled around and grabbed the closest one before biting deeply into his neck.
Ranma sighed as he watched the victim struggle helplessly as his friend backed away in horror.
Alucard finally pulled his teeth out of the man's neck, and then quickly stuck a small white card in his pocket as the victim began to collapse. "Nosferatu Alucard, legal counsel. I also do vampire hunting."
As the victim's friend looked about ready to faint, Ranma quickly took out his own business card and stuck it in his pocket. "Ranma Saotome, cheaper legal counsel. I won't suck your blood." He wasn't sure if he had made a positive impression on the man, as he immediately ran out of the bar screaming.
"Hey, Alucard, c'mon! These are paying customers! Chill!" Terry complained, glaring at the vampire.
The vampire grumbled unintelligibly. "Like it's my fault you don't keep any decent transfusion blood on tap..."
'Freaks,' Ranma decided, chugging down the rest of his scotch. "Well, if that's the way it is, I'll see you tomorrow, Al."
"Just be ready to lose, human filth."
'Jerk,' Ranma though as he left. 'Still, he's a jerk who has a major leg up on me. This is going to take some creative lawyering.'
__________________________________________________________________________________

Frieza yawned as he lounged back in his hover-chair, which was tightly lodged into the relatively narrow space between the rear wall and the judge's podium. "A sexual harassment suit. Feh. I can't believe I'm actually wasting my time with this drivel."
Standing on the floor below, Zelgadis rolled his eyes. "Well, it comes with the job. That, and not destroying the jury."
Frieza snorted. He had a particular dislike for that rule. "Are you SURE I can't simply make a judgment as soon as they walk in and blast the loser?"
The chimera sighed wearily. "I suppose you COULD, but it's not like you have another day job, and frankly, these spamfics are stupid enough without disjointing the plot."
The intergalactic dictator nodded. "Point. Did they ever resurrect that kid I blasted last time? I'd really like some coffee."
Zelgadis shook his head. "No Dragonballs in this multiverse. No resurrection."
Frieza frowned. "Fine. You get it then. And make sure it's decaf!"
Zelgadis started, and then grit his teeth. "I can't be sent to get coffee! I'm the bailiff! I have duties to-"
"Get my coffee NOW, or I'm going to blast you into charred gravel and use you in my window box garden." Frieza said, pointing an index finger at the chimera that crackled with energy.
The judge smirked as Zelgadis stomped away toward the break room, and then looked up as the door opened, admitting the defense.
Frieza blinked. "Hey, didn't I know you in high school?"
Ryoko blinked, then grimaced and shied behind Ranma. "Oh God, it's my ex," she mumbled quietly.
Ranma's eyebrows climbed high onto his forehead. "Really? So, was he like, a major stud when he was younger," he whispered to his client, "or were you just desperate back then?"
Ryoko glared at her lawyer. "Neither. He was rich. Very rich. Most rich guys have a summer home. He had a summer planet."
Ranma whistled. "Yup, that's pretty rich all right."
Frieza smirked and leaned back. "Well well. If it isn't my dear old acquaintance Ryoko! Sexual harassment, eh?" He chuckled. "Something tells me this is going to be a short case."
The alien dictator leaned forward, smiling eagerly. "So, don't keep me in suspense. What'd he touch?"
Ryoko twitched, and took her seat silently.
Ranma cleared his throat to get the judge's attention. "Um, your honor... this is the defendant."
Frieza blinked. Then he frowned. Then he took out the papers detailing the case, and looked it over carefully.
*Creak* The door to the courtroom opened slightly a young man with short black hair tied into a rat tail at the base of his neck peeked in.
Upon seeing Ryoko, he heaved a sigh and then entered, straightening his tie as he walked down the center of the room toward the front benches.
Frieza mutely pointed to the man approaching the front.
Ranma nodded. "That's the plaintiff. Tenchi Masaki."
Tenchi took his seat and looked straight ahead, not making eye contact with Ryoko, who was nervously twiddling her fingers on the opposing bench.
Frieza stared in silence at the sight, then leaned his head back. "You travel from one end of the universe to the other. You think you've seen it all. And then, WHAM!" The intergalactic menace shook his head. "I wonder if the justices in L.A. have to put up with this nonsense."
Ranma waved to the plaintiff, and gave a friendly smile as he waved back without hostility. "Hey kiddo! Where's Al?"
*Vwoom* A comical-looking, wide-rimmed hat phased up through the floor, and Tenchi jerked back as his attorney rose completely out of the hardwood before taking his seat.
Ranma sweatdropped. "Hey Al. Nice outfit." Alucard had swapped his usual red trench coat and hat for a set exactly like it, only black. He had also exchanged his rolled-up lace tie for a regular black business tie. Ranma had to admit that it made the vampire look less like a pimp, but it still wasn't very lawyer-like.
"Are you cretins ready to start yet?" Frieza said, glancing to the side as Zelgadis returned with his coffee.
"Almost," Alucard assured him.
The door swept open, and Ranma's eyebrow rose as a busty young woman with red eyes and strawberry-blonde hair dashed into the court room, carrying a stack of papers. Upon reaching the front, she immediately turned and dumped the papers in front of Alucard before taking a seat.
"Hello," Ranma said to himself, unconsciously adjusting his tie. "What have we here? You got a partner now, Al?"
"She's just an intern," Alucard explained, pulling up a sheet of paper and holding it in front of him. "Lawyer girl, go get me some coffee."
Seras Victoria nodded and stood up again. "Right away, Master!" Then she rushed from the room.
Seeing Ranma raise another eyebrow at the form of address, Alucard shrugged. "She works cheap."
Ranma crossed his arms over his chest and faced forward, mumbling about the unfairness of it all. "And he's impotent, too. What a waste of a hot intern."
Ryoko glanced at the large animal seated next to her. "It would at least help if you had a human assistant, I'm sure."
*Growf!* [Oh, don't even start!]

Zelgadis kept his tongue in check as Frieza nodded in satisfaction at the quality of the coffee, and then turned toward the opposing legal teams and spectators. "Hear ye all with business before this court, the dishonorable and largely psychotic judge Frieza presiding!"
Frieza raised a hand in the air and fired a blast of energy into the air. "Get on with it!"
__________________________________________________________________________________

"And so, Ryoko," Ranma said, finishing up his question, "you would say that your feelings for the plaintiff extend beyond simple lust?"
Ryoko nodded. "Absolutely. I love Tenchi."
Ranma nodded. "And had you known that it would have seriously offended the plaintiff to push your advances more aggressively, say, to the point of filing a lawsuit against you, would you have molested him in his bed while naked?"
Ryoko stopped to think about it, but quickly snapped out of it when Ranma shot her a sharp look. "N-No! Of course not!"
"So I ask you, what is the root of this case? Is it the pain and suffering of the plaintiff? The decency and morals of society at large? Or is it..." Ranma paused dramatically, and then jabbed a finger across the room toward the plaintiff's bench, "the work of greedy, bloodsucking lawyers?!"
*Ba-dum-cha!* Genma added sound effects from where he was seated at a drum station behind the bench.
"Yes! Rim shot!" Ranma cheered, pumping his arm up and down.
"Objection." Alucard said stonily, standing up over a completely confused Tenchi. "That pun was horrible."
"Sustained!" Frieza shouted, aiming a palm at Ranma.
*BLAMMO!!* The courtroom shook mightily as the pigtailed lawyer was blasted away from the witness stand back to his bench.
Alucard stood up and walked to the front.

Ranma coughed as he grabbed the edge of his bench, slowly pulling himself up into his seat. "Ouch. I think I liked that Gabriev guy better."
[Is she going to be okay?] Genma signed, nudging his large, furry head over in Ryoko's direction.
Ranma nodded and sat down, dusting off the black char that covered his suit. "She should be okay as long as she remembers what I told her."

'Remember girl, whatever he says, lie about it!' Ryoko nodded slightly to herself as the vampiric attorney approached, steeling herself.
Alucard grinned slightly, and pulled off his goggle-like glasses before staring deeply into Ryoko's eyes.
The space pirate looked oddly at him for a moment, and then her entire body shuddered before becoming completely relaxed, her eyes glazing over.
Ranma blinked. 'Uh-oh.' "Objection your honor! He's hypnotizing my client!"
Frieza nodded thoughtfully. "So he is. Interesting technique, too." He snapped his fingers. "I'm going to allow it."
As Ranma cursed, Alucard nodded toward the judge. "Thank you, your honor." Then he turned toward Ryoko, who was wobbling slowly from side to side. "In the incident that was described, you woke my client up in an... interesting manner. Would you describe exactly what you did for the court?"
Tenchi blushed and hid his face as Ryoko described what she had done in a simple monotone, causing no small commotion throughout the spectators. Next to him, Seras blushed as well, and began to give the young man very odd, curious looks.
Ranma gulped, and placed his hands firmly atop his bench to keep them away from his personal regions, which were being severely affected by the testimony.
Alucard turned around. "I see. And when my client attempted to leave the bedchambers, what did you do?"
"I grabbed him." Ryoko said simply.
"Why?"
"To keep him from leaving."
Alucard nodded. "And did it occur to you that he wanted to leave?"
"Yes."
"And yet you grabbed him anyway, correct?"
"Yes."
"If you knew he wanted to leave, why did you grab him?"
"I didn't care if he wanted to leave. I wanted to-"
Ranma stood up suddenly, interrupting Ryoko's answer. "Objec-YIPE!!" And then he ducked back down as a ki blast streaked over his head, annihilating a row of spectators.
"Overruled!" Frieza snarled, putting his hand back down. Then he turned back toward Ryoko, a look of intense interest on his face. "Please, continue Mr. Alucard."
Ranma sighed. This didn't look good at all.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"And so, Mr. Masaki, would you say that my client's intentions or actions are malicious in nature?" Ranma asked, striding back in forth in front of the witness stand.
"No. Not at all," Tenchi admitted.
"So you don't believe that my client intended to harm, embarrass, or offend you?"
Tenchi rolled his eyes. "I don't believe those were her intentions, no."
Ranma nodded. "So, do you believe that my client had your interests in mind when she... pressed her affections on the night in question?"
Tenchi was about to answer when his lawyer stood up. "Objection, your honor."
Ranma turned and blinked. "What kind of objection?"
Alucard smirked. "This questioning isn't going anywhere fast, and it's really, really boring."
Ranma's face darkened. "That's the biggest load of bull-"
"Sustained," Frieza ruled, yawning. Ranma facefaulted.
The pigtailed lawyer sighed wearily as he stood up. "Fine. Nothing further, then."
He was about to leave, when he heard Tenchi whisper something at him. "Huh?"
Tenchi coughed discreetly into his fist, and smoothly slid a thin envelope into Ranma's hand.
Ranma stared oddly at the young man, then pocketed the item and returned to his bench.

Genma shook his head as Ranma returned. [It's not looking good at all.]
A vein popped up on Ryoko's head. "It might help a little if you didn't put that on a sign and then wave it around where everyone can see it!" Then she slumped back in her chair, watching the spectators pour out of the courtroom. "I can't believe this is happening... How could Tenchi do this to me?"
Ranma's eye twitched. "I think I see your problem." In his hand, he held a note that was found in the envelope Tenchi had given him. Staring forward expressionlessly, he shifted his hand to put it in front of his client.
[I'm sure we can work out a "settlement"! Meet me after court at the Fujigawa Hotel behind the night club after court! Love, Tenchi] Ryoko's eyes bulged as she stared at the little heart drawn next to the signature.
Ranma mutely held the envelope upside down. *Clink!* A small key fell onto desk, attached to a plastic tag that had [216] printed on it.
"I KNEW IT!!" Ryoko cried, slamming her fists onto the table.
Ranma sighed. "Well, that clinches it, then. We're in real trouble."
Genma shook his head as he poured hot water on himself. "There may yet be a way out, boy! We must look for alternative weaknesses!"
Ranma nodded slowly, thinking deeply.
"Forget it," Ryoko muttered darkly, "there's only one way out of this case."
Ranma blinked. "And that would be...?"
Ryoko held up the hotel key and jingled it about.
"Over my BROKEN, BLEEDING BODY." Ranma said seriously, narrowing his eyes. "Better throw 'dead' in there, too."
"Hey, I don't like it either!" Ryoko growled, "But I can't afford to pay a court settlement! I'll have to go cruising through the galaxy stealing and pillaging again to pay it off! And then I might get caught, and I'll have to go to court for the piracy! And then I'll need to steal MORE stuff to pay off those fines!"
Genma nodded sagely. "Indeed. It's a vicious cycle."
"Well, I still 'aint doing it. Not with a guy." Then Ranma's eye caught sight of Seras, who was hanging back after her master and client had left, gathering up the paperwork. "But... maybe we're on the right track, here."
Ryoko and Genma blinked.

Seras struggled to keep all the papers in her arms, as many were haphazardly stapled and ripped, such that the entire stack was an ill-proportioned mess.
Thus, she was rather surprised when half of the papers were suddenly lifted out of her grasp.
Ranma smiled at her. "Hey dead babe! Can I give ya a hand?"
Seras blinked, caught off-guard. "Th-Thank you! Uh... aren't you the head defense lawyer, though?"
Ranma nodded, grinning. "Yup. No law against helping out pretty young ladies in the opposition, though! I checked!"
Seras blushed and fidgeted a little, looking away. "W-Well then, I suppose we should get this to M-Master's office..."
Ranma chuckled. "Hey, hey! No rush! Why don't I buy you a drink first?" Then he grinned. "Or maybe you'd rather just start necking, eh?"
Seras sweatdropped as Ranma laughed heartily at his own joke.
"Ha ha ha! Hah hah hah hah hah! Heh heh... heh... nah, I'm just kiddin'. C'mon."
__________________________________________________________________________________

Inu-Yasha raised an eyebrow. "So you made out right in the guy's office?"
Ranma nodded, then sighed wearily. "Yeah. It was pretty scary."
His colleague's eyes widened. "What? Did Alucard show up?"
Ranma shook his head. "It was the undead chick. After she started really getting into it, she sort of lost control of herself and kept lunging for my neck while we were still going at it. I mean, it was pretty good, but I almost died."
Inu-Yasha shook his head. "You run that risk when you don't use protection, man."
"At least with STDs you get to finish first," Ranma mumbled.
The half-demon shrugged. "Whatever. Did you find what you were looking for?"
Ranma grinned and nodded. "Did I ever! Al writes down all the dirt he can get on his current clients just in case a former opponent hires him for a countersuit, or just general blackmail." He held up a tape. "This is my key to my commission."
Inu-Yasha grinned back. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"
Ranma stopped to consider it for a moment. "That scissors definitely beats paper, rock pretty much beats scissors, but there's no way that paper can actually beat rock?"
The half-demon slowly began to inch away. "Okay, seriously, that's creepy."
__________________________________________________________________________________

Ranma stood up in the court room, and gave a short wave across the room to a blushing Seras before turning toward the judge.
"Your honor, I would like to show this tape to the court as my final piece of evidence before the case is concluded. I think we'll all find it... very interesting."
Ranma inserted the tape into a projector on the far side of the room, viewable by both the judge and the spectators' stands.

"What's he up to?" Tenchi asked quietly, frowning.
"His only chance is to prove that you had the hots for the alien at some point," Alucard said, leaning forward with his chin resting on his wrist. "This should be interesting. Saotome is known for making his move at the last moment."
"I'll say..." Seras said dreamily, smiling up at the ceiling.
Alucard and Tenchi stared at her curiously.

"And here we go!" Ranma said, hitting the "play" button.
An image of a bedroom appeared on the screen.
*What is this place? This isn't my house...* Ryoga walked on-screen and looked around the room.
*Well, you said you couldn't tell me where your house was, so I thought we could... take a break from looking. The house isn't going anywhere. We'll just wait until tomorrow.*

Ranma looked over to the opposition's bench discreetly, to see Tenchi's eyes bulging as his voice came from the television.

Ryoga shrugged and set his backpack onto the floor. *Sounds good to me...*
He began to take off his shirt, when he stopped and looked directly at the camera. *Huh? What's a camera doing here? Is that thing on?*
In the background, everyone in the room could clearly hear the sound of Tenchi laughing. *Oh, that! Don't worry about it! Just pretend like it's not even here!*

Glancing over again, Ranma could see Tenchi talking to Alucard in a panic. The vampire was frowning deeply.

Ryoga took his shirt off, then sat down on the bed. *I guess I shouldn't complain, since you're paying, but if you don't want to pay for a two-bed room, I can camp outside. We don't have to share a bed.*
*Oh, don't be silly! It's so cold out there! I don't mind at all!*
Tenchi's assurance was followed by a shuffling sound.
Ryoga blinked. *Uh... what's with the getup?*

Ranma smirked slightly as Tenchi's argument with his attorney became more heated.
Then he reached out toward the VCR and pressed "pause" freezing the image just as a black leather gauntlet holding a rolled-up bullwhip moved onto the screen from off-camera.
Frieza blinked. "What? Is that all?"
Ranma shook his head. "No, your honor. I just thought I'd give the plaintiff a chance to consider his position before I continue."
Looking over at the plaintiff's bench, Ranma could see that Tenchi was just about having a heart attack.
"Objection!" Alucard shouted, standing up. "The contents of this tape are completely irrelevant to this case!"
Ranma blinked. "Well, you'd have to see the whole thing to determine that. The interesting part is coming up."
Frieza nodded. "Overruled. Go ahead."
"NO!! STOP!!" Tenchi shouted, jumping up. "I WITHDRAW MY GRIEVANCE!! DROP THE CHARGES!! WHATEVER THE HELL LEGAL JARGON YOU PEOPLE USE!!"
Frieza raised an eyebrow. "Really, now?"
Alucard stood up. "You're honor, the defense has-GACK!" The vampire's complaint was cut off as his client suddenly grabbed him around the neck and began to choke him.
"YES!! The case is withdrawn! We give up!" Tenchi shouted, strangling the undead creation as he yelled.
The judge rolled his eyes as he watched the Juraiin prince throttle his attorney. "Great. To think I could have spent all this time playing Nintendo..." He aimed a palm at the roof. "Case dismissed!" *BLAMMO!!*

Ranma grinned and ejected the tape, throwing it on the floor and smashing it with his foot. "Another case, another victory. DAMN I'm good!"
"You sure are," Ryoko said brightly putting a hand on his shoulder. "By the way, remember how I said that I can't afford to pay a court settlement because I have no cash?"
Ranma nodded.
"As it turns out, I don't have the money to pay for your fee, either," Ryoko said apologetically. Then she put her hand on his other shoulder, and pulled him a little closer. "So I was wondering if I could pay you off... another way?" Her seductive smile had a bit of a twitch to it. "You know, since it turns out my would-be boyfriend's a fruit."
"Not that there's anything wrong with that!" Ranma quickly added.
Ryoko snorted. "Normally I'd agree, but I'm actually feeling kind of bitter about it right now."
Ranma shook his head slowly, considering. "Well... I GUESS we can work something out..." 'God I love my job.'

Across the room, Genma splashed himself over the head with a bucket of water. [To be continued?]

**********************************************************************************
Case 3 [Closed]