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Do you like funny stuff? -- The top 60 |
This is the text that was on the homepage of the original Zulu Bacon. I thought it was pretty funny myself. For those of you who have randomly stumbled on Zulu Bacon through Google, or The MAH, or MSN search- er, whatever, this is the first time this page has been put on since the remodeling.
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1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf
balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get
near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag,
and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and
act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top
Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around
suspiciously, then say, "It's about time you got here," give them the
briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When
trick-or-treaters come to the door, say to them, "Come in." When they
do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" and act like it's a surprise
party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they
can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it
makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse,
and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go
away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out
into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act
shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the
door and run around the house; screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups
before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order
their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at
anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window,
crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house
as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the
trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and
start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone
protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left
over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the
trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several
half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close
the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you
don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin. Or you may not choose this
one as a practical decision...
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment
you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters.
Slam the door when you're finished.
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These are actual school from real parents in their original spelling. |
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. |
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Evil Responses to Telemarketers
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1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so
glad you asked, because no one these days no one seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business,
how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue
asking them personal questions or questions about their companyfor as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and
with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each
one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to
speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't
have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her
to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you
can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company,
and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and
then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you
can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess
you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat
at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and
ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I
should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy, "Leon", playing a
joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your
momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to
speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing
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