. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.

. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.

. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

. . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.

. . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’.

. . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.

. . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.

. . . you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.

. . . anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

. . . you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.

. . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.

. . . your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read.

. . . your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull.

. . . your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn’t.

. . . your mother has more chest hair than your father.

. . . the last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.

. . . your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.

. . . your deceased hunting dog’s tombstone is larger than your grandfather’s.

. . . you can’t marry your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

. . . you dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.

. . . people don’t recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.

. . . your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.

. . . you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.

. . . the front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.

. . . you have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.

. . . you had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.

. . . your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.

. . . you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

. . . your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.

. . . an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

. . . you’ve ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.

. . . your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.

. . . you’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.

. . . you drive more than thirty miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.

. . . you cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.

. . . a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.

. . . your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.

. . . your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

. . . your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.

. . . your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.

. . . you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

. . . you punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.

. . . you had a receding hairline in the 6th grade.

. . . you select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo.

. . . a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

. . . your daughter gets married before you do.

. . . your halloween jack-o-lantern has more teeth than your wife.

. . . the 5th grade was the best 4 years of your life.

. . . you've ever had to siphon gas from your tractor to your pick-up.