No Need for The Dating Game
(Music plays. Applause. Host walks to podium)
Kevin: (In boorish monotone) Hello. Welcome to The Dating Game. My name
is Kevin Costner. I will be your guest host today. You may
know me from such exciting films as Waterworld and The Postman.
Audience member: (Tossing beer can) You suck!
Kevin: Okay. Let's begin by introducing our contestants. Bachelor #1 is
a student from Japan. He spends much of his time working in a garden and
fighting evil with his Juraian powers. Say hello to Tenchi Masaki.
(Applause. Tenchi walks on, looking displeased)
Tenchi: Aw, man. He's the host?
Kevin: Hello Tenchi. How are you?
Tenchi: Leave me alone, Robin Hood. I didn't know you were hosting.
Kevin: (Not catching the comment) Okay, Bachelor #2 is a space pirate.
He enjoys pillaging planets and seeking absolute power. Give a warm welcome to
Kagato.
(Applause. Kagato walks on, smiling evilly. Tenchi looks nervous)
Kevin: Welcome to the show, Kagato.
Kagato: With the exception of your presence, it is a pleasure to be
here, Kevin.
Kevin: (Still oblivious) All right, Bachelor #3 is a mystery man of
sorts. He says his idea of a romantic evening is destroying a few planets and
absorbing his date. Come on out, Kain.
(Kain materializes on a chair. Tenchi wets himself)
Kain: Do not speak to me, Costner, or I will strip the flesh from your
bones.
Kevin: Right. Now, let's bring out the lovely bachelorette. She's a
young lady who belongs to the royal family of Jurai. Everyone give a warm
welcome to Princess Ayeka.
(Thunderous applause as Ayeka strolls out)
Tenchi: Ayeka? What are you doing here?!?
Ayeka: Hello, Lord Tenchi! I heard you were coming on the show, so I
took the original girl's place.
Kain: Yes, that would explain the unconscious female I ingested
backstage.
Kevin: All right, let's begin. Ayeka, take it away.
Ayeka: Very well. Bachelor#1, if you were a tree, what kind would you
be?
Tenchi: What kind of question is that? A tree?
Kevin: Please answer the question, Bachelor #1.
Tenchi: Um...all right...I would be...the, uh, Tree of Light?
Ayeka: Oh, what an excellent answer! Kevin, I choose Bachelor #1!
(Tenchi screams)
Kevin: I'm sorry, Ayeka, but you need to ask questions to the other
bachelors and fill up a half hour.
Ayeka: (sigh) Very well. Bachelor#2, what is your ideal first date?
Kagato: (laughs in a sinister manner) My ideal first date...Well, I
would begin by placing you in stasis. I would study your wavelength patterns
very carefully. If possible, I would imbue myself with your power. Either way,
I destroy you in the end.
Ayeka: Um...of course. (pause) Okay, Bachelor#3. If I were a food, what
would I be?
Kain: You, of the house of Jurai, would remain as you are. I would
devour you voraciously and without remorse, for no one can overcome the power
of Kain!
Kevin: Sorry, Bachelor#3. I'm afraid you can't reveal your name to
Ayeka unless she chooses you at the end.
Kain: FOOL! Did I not warn you not to speak to me? For this insolence,
you pay with your life! (Kain opens himself up and draws Kevin into him)
Kevin: YAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!
Kagato: Very clever. You've won, Kain.
(Audience cheers. Tenchi, Kagato, and Kain exchange high fives)
Tenchi: Nice job, Kain! I think you've won!
Kagato: Indeed. You saved me a lot of trouble. (Deactivates energy
sword)
Ayeka: Wait a minute! This is supposed to be my choice!
(Offscreen Yooh!)
THE END
