SNAFU: The World According to Schuldig
For as fictional as I'm sure the bible is, it has become pretty easy for me to believe that a lousy piece of fruit is what cost humans eternal life in a nudist colony garden. Now, this is not an opening for debate. Why? Because quite honestly, I don't give a fuck what your opinion is about it. This is my soapbox, not yours, and my story. Mine. It has my name written across the top of it, in case you didn't notice. That means that you have to sit there and take whatever I shove at you, and what I shove at you is this very important piece of worldly knowledge: An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an apple stolen in March gets your ass thrown in jail. I speak from personal experience.
Granted, getting stuffed in a jail cell for the night wasn't the worst thing that could happen to me. It was a hell of a lot better than a park bench, after all, and that night changed everything about my life. I'm not going to say that going to jail taught me the error of my ways, if only because I can't say such a thing and keep a straight face. It just happened to be my luck- or my great misfortune, or something- that I had a cellmate for the night. If you're looking for a prison bitch scene, go check out another story, because you're not going to find one here. This guy didn't have jollies anywhere on his mind. No… What he had to offer was something a lot bigger than that: insanity.
If you haven't had the distinct pleasure of meeting someone who is well and truly off his rocker, let me tell you that you're seriously missing out. There are so many levels of insanity, really, and his was the most aggravating and exciting and contagious kind. I don't even have a clue how the dumb whack got in the country. I guess it's because he looks so normal- when he's not smiling, anyway. However he got in, he was there, and he was my companion for a night.
I can say with great confidence that only one good thing has come out of American culture, and you'll have to take my word for it because I know everything. Ready? Hippies. That's right, hippies. Drug snorting free love peace freaks; they're the greatest fucking thing to have ever happened. Why? Because you don't get people as fucked up as Brad Crawford is when there aren't a few acids in the mix.
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