Love Story
Thyme

I don't think about it much anymore.

He still calls sometimes to say he loves me, and I ask him to leave me alone. It doesn't hurt so much when I act like I don't care. We still talk a little after that, but he always hangs up soon. I know I'm hurting him like this, but dammit! he hurts me, too. It's hard.

I still remember the first day we met. It's stupid. Two years later and I know the first words he spoke to me, and the first words I spoke to him. I want to forget it so badly, but I know I can't. I can never forget him. But ... sometimes, I wonder if that's what I really want; to forget. I've already lost him twice; do I really want do it again? First I lost his love...and then his friendship. Now, do I really want to lose our memories? Do I not even want to know who he IS anymore?

This is so stupid. I know the answer. No. I never want to forget him. I swear, for as long as I live, his memories will always live with me.

I still dream about him, you know. Not as much as I used to, but my emotions still make themselves known while I sleep. It's always the same. "I still love you."

"I know."

Silence.

"I still love you, too."

And we embrace, and we kiss, and...

...I wake up crying.

There's another point: I cry a lot more than I used to, though mainly during my sleep. Almost every day now I wake up with a damp pillow and tearstained cheeks, and such a weight in my soul that lately I wonder if it's even worth waking up at all....

Then again, I suppose it's nothing new -- I always cried when we were together. Tears were always shed whenever we made love. I never let him touch me or vice versa until he knew how much I loved him. "I know." He had such a soft voice, but he was so reassuring. "I know. I love you, too." Even though it took him a while to say the words, I knew he loved me, and eventually he said it every chance he got ... even more often than me.

God, I miss him. I miss just talking to him. He was always quiet, but for some reason he would talk to me about things that were REAL. I felt special around him. He'd tell me how his day was and make it sound like the most wonderful thing in the world, and when he asked me how mine was I always shied away, inferior. But he made me tell him anyway, and he always smiled when it was good, or comforted me when it was bad. He confided in me about everything. He was my best friend. I wish he still was.

He always went out of his way for me, you know. I never did much for him, now that I think about it, but he was always there for ME. Every birthday, every anniversary ... he never missed a thing. He knew everything about me and he always did something to honor me. Never forgot a thing....

I wonder ... if he still remembers?

Of course not. He shouldn't. I never did anything for him in return.

I wish I could make him understand why I'm doing this. I'm sorry I have to hurt him, I'm sorry! God, don't you think I'm SORRY? I hate myself! I'm depressed beyond belief. Not a day goes by when I don't think of him. I'm at such a loss for words or will to live....

I see him sometimes still. We bump into each other places. Hi, how are you doing? I'm fine, how are you? I'm great! It's been nice seeing you. Bye. Goodbye.

Goodbye....

We both know it's a lie. I can see the tears building at the corner of his eyes, and it kills me every time. So I grit my teeth and pretend to smile, moving on quickly. I'll see you tomorrow. Goodbye.

I always cry when I'm far enough away, but someitmes I wish he could see me. I just wish I could show him that, Hey! Look at me! I cry, too. I hurt, too! I'm dying inside, here! YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE!

I want to tell him how much I love him. I miss him. I asked him once, if he ever thought about me. Us. What we could have been. He looked at me, right into my eyes, and I swear that I have never felt worse in my life. He looked ... so incredibly sad. Crestfallen. It tore my heart out. And then he just walked away. No words were spoken. ...but his eyes were enough to tell me.

"Every day," they said. "And nothing hurts more."

Today I only wanted to die. Rip my heart right out. I hate myself. I will never forgive ... me. I deserve everything, all of this guilt, depression, hatred. I deserve it all, if only for making those beautiful eyes cry. I only wish I could bleed for him. Cry for him.

Oh, God, I want to die.

So maybe next time I see him I'll tell him the truth. I'm sorry. I was being pressured by my family from all sides. I was suffocating. They wanted me to be someone I'm not, and I just needed some time by myself to figure things out. I needed to find out who I am. Who I was. I just needed a little time away from the world....

I guess I didn't realize that HE is who I am. HE is my world.

I miss him still. Even now, two years later, I regret walking away. I've been so incredibly stubborn and STUPID these past few years. What I pitiful love story I've made for myself.

I really don't think about it much anymore....

Only every day.