Frail
by: Thyme


[Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool]

Violet eyes somehow managed to find Heero's, and he felt disgusted, frightened, but strangely lightheaded to discover this. So instead of dwelling on it, he knitted his brows together uncomfortably, trying to distract himself from his thoughts and daydreams that he shouldn't even have by working all the harder on Wing Zero. As long as he didn't admit to himself that he enjoyed having those violet eyes watching him, it wasn't true. It wasn't true unless he said it.

But it was. And it scared him.

So he gripped the wrench tighter in his hand, not allowing his grasp to shake as he screwed the metal parts together to make them fit as snugly as was well and possible. Perfect. Just like he'd been taught. No problem. It didn't matter that two of the most beautiful eyes in the world were watching him.

Still, as he noticed again that the twin amethysts were glued to him again, a fluttery feeling insisted on rising in his stomach. It made him frantic enough to think about staring back, but so nervous that his breath started coming faster and he was tempted to swat back the offending flutter with the wrench he held in his hand. But, being Heero, none of this was portrayed in his cool blue eyes as he met Duo's gaze indifferently. The braided pilot seemed to frown, a very uncharacteristic thing for him to do even during times of grief, and then he looked away, leaving Heero with a brief feeling of guilt. But it was better guilt than affection. He didn't have time for affection. He barely got away with friendship, which was a risk in the first place. He didn't have the guts for affection.

[I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would]

He gave the area of Zero he'd been working on a quick once-over, nodding in satisfaction as he decided it was good enough for the day. He wiped his hands on his slacks, leaving smudges of black grease and oil as he did, then ran one through his hair. He probably left blots of black there, too, but he didn't mind. It wasn't like he had anyone to impress.

But then he found Duo's eyes again, and he knew he did, even if he wouldn't admit it. Even if he said it wasn't true, it was. He stared into Duo's eyes a moment longer, standing a few feet away from Wing Zero and perfectly still, then looked hastily away. Suddenly, his head hurt.

He thought he heard the clatter of a tool being dropped and pretended he didn't care, walking away as soon as light footsteps approached him. His pulse quickened. His steps eventually slowed.

"Heero," a voice from behind him began. "Heero, what's wrong?" It was Duo, of course.

Unknowingly, Heero allowed himself to listen to the other's voice, his retreating strides halting. He closed his eyes and just concentrated on breathing. In and out. In and out. It helped calm the thoughts whirring through his head. Duo was behind him. Talking to him. What would Dr. J have said for him to do in this situation?

Duo was still trying to coax him into talking. "C'mon, man, you can tell me."

Oh, yeah. Walk away. But his body apparently wasn't listening to his mind, and he turned around and looked Duo straight in the eye. Those wonderful violet eyes he loved being watched by, though he'd never tell.

"Nothing," he said, surprised briefly by the monotone he'd forgotten came naturally now. It wasn't always like that. Now it had to be, though. Had to be.

"Heero, come on. Tell me," Duo insisted firmly. Heero pressed his lips into a thin line and looked away, noting somewhere in the back of his head that he really liked the way Duo said his name. So he kept quiet, knowing if he held out long enough, Duo would say it again. "Heero, please!" Ah, there it was. He felt like he was smiling, but when he looked back to Duo and saw his reflection in his eyes, he was surprised again to see that he was still frowning. Was that the way he always looked?

[A rose could never lie
About the love it brings]

Heero supressed a wistful sigh, the teachings of Dr. J nagging at his last nerve, and turned away once his mind got his body back under control. He couldn't let himself slip and show Duo he cared. Dr. J wouldn't like that. There was no room for caring in war. He was made for war. That meant there was no room for caring in him. It was all perfectly logical.

"I said there's nothing wrong, Duo, so leave me alone." His words sounded cold even in his own ears. He barely stopped himself from shuddering. Was that the way he always sounded? It seemed he was finding out a lot of things about himself today.

"Glory, Heero," Duo scowled, "you don't have to have an attitude." He looked at Heero pointedly, spitting the next words out with such vehemence and frustration it almost knocked Heero over. "Do us all a favor, and stop acting like the perfect asshole."

Heero blinked once, then twice, not liking it one bit as the words registered in his mind and he watched Duo walk away.

"Wait," he said softly, so softly he wasn't sure if Duo heard. But Duo stopped, so he assumed he did. He desperately didn't want Duo to leave yet. He wanted to hear him say his name again. It sounded so good coming from him. He wanted to see his eyes again. Duo turned around, looking to the side and seeming for all the world like he'd walk over and rip Heero's head off if he didn't have a good excuse for calling him back. Heero was so caught up in his longings that he missed the unshed tears in Duo's eyes.

"What?" Duo's voice held a note of annoyance in it, and Heero didn't bother with the fact that he put it there. It wasn't true unless he said it. He took a deep breath.

"There is something bothering me. But I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone. Understand?"

[And I could never promise
To be any of those things]

Duo slowly turned his head to face him. Heero almost immediately lost himself in the violet depths, but carefully kept his face emotionless. Impassive. Perfect. Dr. J would have been proud.

"And why not, Heero?" Duo was still annoyed.

Don't look him in the eye, don't look him in the eye, Heero told himself. But he was already too far gone. He loved those eyes.
elf."

[If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold]

Duo blinked, a skeptical look crossing his features. "Can't even tell yourself," he echoed, questioningly. "Why's that?"

Heero swallowed painfully. Don't tell him, don't tell him, he told himself. But that worked just as well as when he told himself not to look him in the eye.

"Because then I'll know it's true. And if I know it's true, I can't stop it, and that would be... Bad. Endanger the mission, even." Good save, Heero.

[If I was not so scared of being broken]

Duo threw his hands in the air angrily. "Endanger the mission? Heero, did you ever think that there's more to life than the mission?"

... Bad save, Heero. He made a slight whimpering sound in the back of his throat, though too softly for it to reach Duo's ears. Lowering his voice, he hung his head and said very quietly,

"No, because if I did, I'd know it's true, and there would be no stopping it..."

[Growing old
I would be
I would be]

When he could bring himself to look back up, Duo's eyes were softer, though still annoyed. He swallowed again, his heart rate increasing tenfold as Duo touched his shoulder very lightly, but enough to make his entire system go crazy.

"Heero, what is it? It's okay if you tell me, man. It's not true, okay? So it's all right if you tell me. Okay, buddy?" Duo's voice was soft and soothing, and it almost made Heero forget all of his training. But not quite.

"No," he said, still very quiet. If you don't say it, it's not true. You can save yourself, Heero. Save yourself from loving someone. Because you don't love him. It's not true. It's not...

Duo took his hand away, and Heero instantly missed his touch. But he told himself he didn't. It isn't true if you don't say it is.

"Heero." Duo's voice was colder now. But his name still sounded nice coming from it. "Tell me."

It isn't true, Heero. It isn't true.

[Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
In rooms I try to hide]

His body detached from his mind again, and he was faintly amused when he started talking without his consent and his voice cracked from emotion he knew wasn't supposed to be there. No, wasn't there. It wasn't there unless you said it was.

"If I tell you, you won't like it. And I'll know it's--"

"I know, I know," Duo cut in, rolling his eyes. His violet eyes. "And then you'll know it's true, and you won't be able to stop it." He touched Heero's shoulder again, firmer this time, and forced him to look at him. "But really. Ask yourself. Would it be so bad if you couldn't stop it?"

Heero's hands finally started shaking. "No," he admitted grudgingly. "But you still wouldn't like it."

[Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me]

Duo smiled kindly, and Heero suddenly had to remind himself to breathe.

"You don't know that," Duo said.

Heero sighed inaudibly, his shoulders sagging as he gave into what seemed like the inevitable.

[Your dirt removes my blindness]

"But you won't like it," Heero insisted once more, before looking at Duo purposely. "You won't like it," he stated again.

[Your pain becomes my peace]

Duo said nothing. Heero looked at the floor. He was never one to be shy, but apparently, there's a first for everything.

"I'm not supposed to care for anyone," Heero said, his voice dropping low again. "But I care for you, Duo." He said his name with more emotion than any other word, hoping somewhere in the back of his mind that Duo liked it when he said his name, too. Duo didn't respond. "I told you you wouldn't like it," he grumbled.

The next thing he was aware of, Duo had taken hold of his hand and was squeezing it lightly. Heero looked up to find that he was smiling, and he finally noticed the tears shining in his eyes that he knew Duo was too proud to shed. So instead he gingerly ran his thumb along Duo's cheek bone where the tears would have fallen, but returning his hand to his side immediately after. Duo laughed again. It wasn't true until you said it.

[I would be
I would be]

He was glad he'd said it.

"You know, Heero, for someone who's as uptight as you, you're awfully..."

Duo studied his face for a moment, searching for the right word. Heero allowed himself a smile at what he said next.

"Frail," Duo finished.

[Frail]