Forgive
by: Hikari X

*And you can tell everybody, this is your song. It may be quite simple but, now that it’s done, I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is while you’re in the world.*

Heero. One name reached through the mask and touched a solitary soul. My soul. And I couldn’t cry.

There would be no funeral. He had died in space.

A faulty gas leak on your freighter, that lead to a deadly explosion, they said. Funny isn’t it? All those times you tried to kill yourself, and never once did you succeed. Until now at least. It’s so funny. But I just can’t seem to laugh.

I hadn’t expected Quatre to handle it as well as he did. Trowa didn’t even flinch when he heard. He just calmly walked behind Quatre and put one long arm on the other boy’s shoulder. But then again, neither of them knew you very well. Not like I did.

‘Fei? Hell, I don’t know what happened with him. I haven’t spoken with him since the end. I heard something about him joining the Preventers with Sally, but that’s the extent of my knowledge.

But anyway, why am I talking about this? This isn’t what I came here for. Not to tell you how everything worked out.

I brought you flowers. I hope you like them. I never really did find out what your favorite kind was. Now I wish I had. But I brought you daisies. They’re my favorite. They always look so happy. They don’t have to think. Or feel. Or cry. They just are.

I told you I never lied. But I do. I lied when I told Quatre I was okay. I lied when I smiled at him. I lied when I said I couldn't cry. Because I did. I just keep on lying Heero. And it's all for you Heero. All for you.

And now I’m here. Funny that they didn’t even give a grave marker to the man who saved them from destruction and tyranny. Funny? More like sad.

So I came here. I think if you could be anywhere, this is where you’d be. So I came. And I waited. But you didn’t come back.

I’m so sorry, Heero. I tried to wait longer, but you know how impatient I am. I just can’t wait any longer. So I brought these daisies out here. They look really pretty beside that big oak tree I fell off when we were out here last winter. They’ll be dead in a day, probably. I can already see how their stems are withering up in their fruitless search for water.

They’ll die soon.

You were my water Heero. Did you know? You kept me afloat. You saved me. And now I’m just so sorry. I really am.

The ocean is so beautiful. But today it’s frothing as it boils, and it’s calling for me. I have to answer Heero; you know how it is. I still miss you.

But maybe you’ll forgive me for this later. I hope so. Then I can go back to loving you again. I really do hope so.

I need to get more sleep Heero. I haven’t lately. I’ve been staying up, just thinking. I’m so tired now Heero.

I just wish you were here.

The puddles I’m leaving are getting bigger. And bigger. All this wetness is just dripping on me. It’s supposed to be warm, but I think it feels icy. Icy cold.

I feel all of it slipping away, Heero. All the pain. All the sorrow. All the misery. It’s just floating off. If I would have known that just a few cuts could do all this for me, I think I would have done it sooner. I just feel so free now.

Strange, isn’t it? But not really. I’m falling down into it now, Heero. It’s so dark. Black almost.

And strange that I can almost see two piercing blue eyes staring back at me out of the darkness. Almost. But not quite. And there’s a new wetness now, too. My tears. Warm and salty.

I’m so sorry Heero. I’m just so sorry. It shouldn’t have happened this way.

I should have been the one to die.

But it wasn’t me. It was you. You died. Left me here. And I cried.

Just…forgive me, please. I can see those eyes now. Don’t know if they’re yours or the Devil’s. I know one or both of you are coming for me. But it doesn’t really matter who’s they are.

Just forgive me.

I still love you.

*I feel your love reflection, far away, painted in your eyes as you gaze back at me. Never-ending story.....*

          .Fine.