I’m sitting on the floor of my apartment, listening to the radio, holding a picture of us. You know the one- you’ve got your arm around my shoulders, and you’re grinning at the camera. I’m glaring at whoever is taking the picture- Quatre, I think- and I have a gun dangling from one hand. That was us- the laughing demon and the perfect solider. I pick up the lighter and hold it near the corner of the photo. I flick it once and watch as the flames destroy another memory.

//I’m faking
That I’m aching
Mistaking lust for love//

It wasn’t supposed to be anything. Just a deal between friends, between two teenagers who needed something real, something to help them reclaim their humanity during a war. Nothing more than lust. That’s what it started as. How was I supposed to know it would end up like this?

//Thanks, that was fun
Don’t forget, no regrets
Except maybe one//

We were going to end it when the war ended, no strings attached. That lasted all of a week. We shared an apartment, but our relationship didn’t change- just friends with benefits. And even now, I only have one regret.

That I don’t regret it.

//Did I scare you
When I dared you
I stared you in the eye
And told you good-bye
You mocked me
It shocked me
When you walked me to the bus//

~Flashback~

“Whatcha doing?” Your voice asks from behind me. I zip my bag and turn around, meeting your eyes. “I’m tired of being used like this, Duo,” I say. “Good-bye.” Your laugh startles me. “You can’t leave! You can’t live without me, and you know it.” I shrug and wordlessly walk past you. “You need help taking those down to the bus?” you ask mockingly.

//Thanks, that was fun
Don’t forget, no regrets
Except maybe one
Made a deal, not to feel
God that’s dumb//

“I don’t want to live without you, but I can,” I reply, turning to face you. You’re leaning in the doorway, eyes narrowed slightly, arms folded over your chest. “Heero. . . we had a deal.” I nod. You continue: “We weren’t going to feel. That was *your* rule.” I swallow hard and look away. “It didn’t work,” I mumble. “It was a stupid rule in the first place.” I hear you walk towards me and I look up at you. “Heero. . . you didn’t. . .” “I fell in love with you, yes Duo. I broke the rules. Guess I’m not perfect after all.”

//Everybody knows the deal fell through
I was hoping I could just blame you
When was it that I became so soft
This sentimentality doesn’t look good on me
I thought that you would be begging to be with me
I’m the one on my knees, blubbering
Please let me stay//

You stare at me, silent for once. “I know we’re not supposed to feel-” “We?” you finally speak, and I suddenly realize you don’t love me. My hand goes to my pocket and I clutch the box with one hand. I’m the one who’s designed not to feel anything, much less love. I thought you’d beg me to stay. I thought you’d. . . care. “Go, now, Heero. This- this won’t work anymore.” I stare at you, stunned. “Duo, onegai. . . can’t we just *try* to-” “No, Heero.” I bow my head, staring at my feet. “Please let me stay.” I hear you walk away, and a few seconds later the bedroom door slams.

~End Flashback~

//I’m jaded
Deflated
I hate it when you call
Which isn’t at all//

The phone rings, startling me out of my memories. I drop the remains of the picture in the sink and pick up the phone. It’s just a salesperson. I don’t own a house, and therefore have no need for vinyl siding. I hang up and return to my place on the floor. I wish you’d call. I hate that I haven’t heard from you in five months. But it’s to be expected. Why would you call? You’re just the person I love more than life itself.

//I’ve spoken
Though broken
Here’s a token of my love//

I pick up the small box from the floor next to me and open it carefully. Inside is a silver ring, with ‘Ai Shiteru’ inscribed on it. I was going to propose to you. I thought you loved me, don’t you see? I loved you that much. I still do. I study the ring more closely. There’s a slight chip on it from where I threw it at the wall, that first night alone. I set the open box on the floor and pick up an envelope. I put the ring inside and write, “I Love You” on the front. On impulse, I scribble down the refrain of the song that’s playing.

//Thanks, that was fun
Don’t forget, no regrets
Except maybe one
Made a deal, not to feel
God that was dumb//

I stand in front of your door. Used to be ours. I pull the envelope out of my pocket and check to make sure the ring is still inside. I slide it under the door and knock once, then walk away. There you go, Duo. Now you know. Now you know just how much I love you. I’m about to turn the corner when I hear the door open, and something makes me stop and turn. You’re standing there, beautiful as always, holding the envelope in one hand, the ring in the other.

//Don’t forget, no regrets
Except maybe one
Made a deal, not to feel
Thanks, that was fun//

I meet your eyes, surprised to see a few tears. You blink a few times. “Heero. . .”

The End.

End of rant.