Golem's Hats 

***Scene- A nice, sunny day in the world where monsters rule. The group of seven walking along merrily on a deserted road. ***

Genki: Another day means another chance of baddy butt kicking. 

Holly: Just remember, it's not all about fighting, Genki. It's about finding the Phoenix. 

Suezo: <riding on Golem> Hey, I see something up ahead. <jumps off Golem>

Tiger: <walks up to the object> Hmmm... <sniffs it> It could be dangerous! Stay back!

Hare: <walks up next to Tiger> Let me take a look. < picks it up> Tiger, I knew you were mistaken. It's only an old, beat up top hat. <laughs>
Tiger: <growling> Don't laugh at me, bunny! I'll rip you apart!

Hare: <in Tiger's face> Is that a threat?! <drops hat>

Tiger and Hare: <fight to the side in a cloud of dust>

Mocchi: <sighing> Chi...

Golem: <walks up to hat> Gole? <picks up hat> I like it. What is it for?

Genki: You wear it on your head. Like this. < takes hat and places it on his head> 

Golem: I have an idea! <runs off>

Holly: Golem! Wait! Where are you going?

Golem: <no answer, keeps running>

Genki: <talking to Holly> Where do you suppose he's off to?

Holly: I really don't know. We can't go after him because Hare and Tiger would be left behind and it's no use breaking them up.

Hare and Tiger: <still fighting> Yaaah! Oooh! Eeeerrr! Raaarraahh!

Holly: <sighs> I guess the best thing to do right now is just make camp.

Genki, Suezo, Mocchi, and Holly: <start unpacking>

***Hours Later (night)*** 

Everyone except Golem: <surrounding fire>

Holly: I'm worried about Golem. Maybe we should look for him.

Mocchi: Chi! He's been gone a long time. Chi!

Tiger: I say we give him one more day to return before we leave!

Holly: <pleasantly> Oh, Tiger.

Tiger: <sarcastically annoyed> Oh, Tiger? Oh, Tiger yourself! I'm sick of this bullshit! He's just a dumb rock who's slow at talking and slows us down. And don't say anything about your protection because I'm sick of that, too! Why don't you learn to fend for yourself, little girl?! <now panting with anger>

Holly: <offended> I'm going to bed! <walks to a blanket and sleeps on it>

Genki: Gee, Tiger! You didn't have to go ballistic like that on poor Holly!

Tiger: <outburst> Shut up, kid! She's a whiney brat and you know it!

Suezo: Hey! No one talks about my Holly like that, bucko!

Tiger: <glancing at Suezo> And you, you stupid, hopping eyeball! What are you gonna do about it?! You don't really think you can take me on, do you?! All you've got is a far seeing eye and a tongue!

Suezo: <also offended> Hey, what about my rare teleport attack?

Tiger: Ha! You should be ashamed to even call that an attack! You don't even remember how to use it! <laughing cruelly> If you don't want me picking on her, come make me stop! Come on! I'm waiting! Bring it on!

Suezo: <leaps at Tiger> Yaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Tiger: <Steps aside> Pardon me!

Suezo: <passes Tiger and smashes into the ground> Aaaagggh!

Tiger: <laughs> Is that all you got? Heh, heh, heh, heh! Pathetic!

Genki: <grunts> Lighten up, Tiger!

Tiger: No you lighten up, punk!

Genki: Hey! I'm not a punk, asswipe!

Tiger: Asswipe?! Asswipe?!!!

Tiger: <lunges toward Genki>

Genki: <lunges toward Tiger>

Hare: <stands up in the middle and puts his arms out to stop them> Okay, fellas, this is nothing to fight about. Let's just all take a deep breath.

Tiger: <yelling at Hare> You're gonna need a lot of deep breaths if you don't get out of the way, cheese puff!

Hare: Now, now, Tiger...

Tiger: Shut up and move, Hare! 

Genki, Hare, and Tiger: <start fighting>

Mocchi and Suezo: <go to sleep>               


***The Next Morning***

Genki: <unconscious> <snoring>

Tiger: <unconscious> <snoring>

Hare: <unconscious> <snoring>

Holly: <yawns> Good morning, Mocchi. Good morning, Suezo. 

Suezo: Mornin,' Holly.

Mocchi: Morning, Chi!

Holly: Looks like they knocked themselves out fighting last night. I guess Golem still isn't back yet. <sighs>

Suezo: Don't worry! He'll be back! Besides, where could he have gone? Tiger was right when he said that Golem is just a dumb rock.

Holly: Suezo!

Mocchi: I hear something, Chi!

Sound: Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud!

Suezo: <zooming in toward the sound> It looks like someone running this way! I think it's... it... It is! It's Golem! <strange pause> And... he's carrying...hats!

Holly: Hats? Are you sure?

Suezo: I can see perfectly, now. Yes, it's Golem and he's carrying, like, fifty hats on top of each other.

Holly: Now, why do you suppose Golem is carrying all those hats?

Suezo: I haven't the faintest idea. The only thing I can come up with is the top hat from yesterday.

Golem: <running full speed toward them> GOLE! COME! LOOK!

Holly, Suezo, and Mocchi: <run to Golem> 

Holly: Golem, where did you go last night? We were all so worried!

Suezo: <under his breath> Some of us were, anyway.

Tiger, Hare, and Genki: <waking up> <yawn, stretch, walk over to others>

Tiger: Oh... it's you...I mean... you... are back! Where the hell were you last night, Golem?

Genki: Yeah, Golem! We had to miss a day's ass kicking because of you!

Hare: <yawns> Where did you get all those hats?

Golem: <talking slowly> I first... went to... the public library. I... was interested... in hats... so I read... about hats. I then found a book... about a man... who sold hats.

Hare: <thinking> It never occurred to me that Golem could read.

Genki: <thinking> Where did Golem find a library in the middle of nowhere?

Tiger: <thinking> I guess that stupid rock isn't so stupid. But he still is a slow dumnass!

Golem: <continuing> I thought about... selling hats... so I found a book about... salespersons. It said... that in order to... become a good salesperson... you should... go to college. So... I went to...college.

Holly: <thinking> When did he find the time to go to college?

Suezo: <thinking> He did all of that in a day?!

Mocchi: <thinking> What's college?

Golem: <still talking> After I went to college... to be a salesperson... I had learned... how to make money... and how to spend it wisely. I set out to find something... to sell. Since hats... interested me... the most... I decided... to become a hat merchant... like the man in the book. Now that I am trained... to sell hats, I can make... us money to buy food... and we can continue our journey... without empty stomachs. What do you think?

Everyone besides Golem: <lost in thought> <staring in amazement>

Golem: <smiling> Let's pack up... and go! Hurry! We must... waste no time... getting to the... next town! I must sell hats! I must! And I'll tell you what! You can... all choose... what hat you would like... for free! I have... a nice, pink hat... for you, Holly. I took it from a girl... from that show...Digimon. It will keep the sun... out of your eyes. And I have a hat... for you, Tiger. One with... two holes... for horns. I also have a blue helmet... and a green hat... that I got from two other Digimon kids. Perhaps...Mocchi, you would...like that one. Genki... you already have a hat, but... you can have these goggles I found. Hare... how about... the Pokemon kid's hat? Suezo... straw hat? 

Everyone: <choosing a hat> Hey! Cool! I like this one! Wow! What about this! Look at this hat! Totally awesome! <Start walking toward the next town with new hats>

Golem: I am happy that I can support my best friends now! <thinking> Now that their guards are down, it will be easier to conquer the world with Master Moo! <laughs evilly> Mwa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Mwa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, haaaaaa...

Genki: Golem, what are you laughing at?

Golem: Uuuuhhh... <thinking quickly> Uuuhhh... I wasn't laughing! I was... uuuhhh... coughing! Yeah... that's it... coughing! Heh, heh! <in the back of his mind> Ha, ha! They don't suspect a thing! Ha, ha!

Narrator's Voice: <booming>  The End