And so, our team, consisting of the Mish-zama (Mishima + Kazama) family and Lee Chaolan set off on their quest through thick and thin, sleet and snow, little and large, Reeves and Mortimer, etc. But where has it taken them?
"To a dead end." Muttered Lee
"What was that?" spoke Kazuya, holding a wooden 'blunt instrument'
"Er, um, nothing." The silver-haired foster brother replied
Kazuya, after a brief moment of silence, shrugged. "Anyway's, how close are we to finding our mail?"
"Not close at all by the looks of it." Replied Jin
"Eh? We must be close to something!" he growled
"Well, we are close to something." Spoke the post-adolescent Jin
"What is it? What are we close to?" asked Kazuya in an urgent tone of voice
"A harbour." Jin replied, "Maybe it could take us to Yakushima"
"Jin," began Kazuya, "We haven't got time to reminisce about old times!"
"But that's where we used to live," replied the Kazuya look-alike son of Kazuya (doesn't make sense but then, what does?), "-well, where me and Mom used to live-so the post service could've sent our mail there"
Suddenly, Kazuya disappeared in a puff of dust
"He's a puff alright, but not of dust." Muttered a bitter Lee, remembering bad memories
Kuma growled
"Did we have to bring Yogi Bear with us?" Jin asked no one in particular
"He's our mascot," spoke a voice, "Plus we couldn't get any other animal"
"Kazuya? Is that you?" called Jun
"Yep" he replied
"Where are you?" she asked
"At the harbour," he replied, "They have a fish and chip shop!"
It was Kuma's time to disappear in a cloud of dust (which is more acceptable to say then 'puff'…probably).
"Hmm, I could do with some chips" spoke Jun and made her way to the harbour
Then there were two, Lee and Jin
"D'ya think we should go as well?" Lee asked Jin
"Sure, yeah, anything you say," replied Jin, whilst tapping away at his Gameboy Advanced™
Lee sighed and went to the harbour, with Jin following behind, meeting up the rest of the gang over a portion of 7 portions of fish and chips (2 more for Kuma, since he has an appetite bigger than himself). But they ran into a snag, and an identity crisis.
"Identity crisis my butt!" muttered Jin, as Kazuya
"What was that?" spoke Lee, as Jun! (you should see him! All dressed up in a white dress and with a headband! It's priceless! No offence to Lee fans)
"Oh, nothing." Jin-Kazuya replied, "Anyway, where are we going next?" Jin-Kazuya said, putting up the question
"Well, I think we should take this next boat to Yakushima to search for our mail there." Replied Lee-Jun
"Next boat? When does it leave?!" Jin-Kazuya spoke urgently
"In 5 minutes." Lee-Jun (hehe) replied, as s/he pointed to the clock behind them
"Sure, yeah, anything you say." Spoke Jun-Jin
Kazuya-Kuma growled
"Well, what are we waiting for? An invitation? Let's get on the boat quickly!!!" snapped Jin-Kazuya as he rushed towards the boat, with the rest of the gang.
As they got on the boat, they finally sorted themselves out and became themselves again.
"Hehehehe, you were wearing a white dress and headband! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!" chuckled Kazuya
"It's not FUNNY!" cried Lee and stormed off to the far deck.
"Not as bad as you wearing nothing but a red handkerchief and a collar around your right hand! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!" exclaimed a brash, American, Mid Californian accented voice (does California have an accent?).
Kazuya went quiet.
Jun gasped.
Kuma growled angrily.
Jin engrossed more deeply into his Gameboy Advanced™.
Lee was at the other end of the boat.
"Is that you?" spoke Kazuya.
"Yes it is!" replied the voice, "I am the Almighty Paul PHOENIX!!!!!".
More thunder and lightning struck, whilst someone played a macabre tune on a piano.
"I couldn't help it!" excused Lee, but no one was paying any attention to him at the moment.
"Oh," spoke Kazuya in a monotonous tone, "I thought you were Jean-Claude Van-Damme".
"Do I have to smash your f**king face in?" threatened the Vanilla Ice look-alike.
"Hey! No need for that!" snapped Jun, "We are in the presence of children!".
"I'd hardly call Jin a child!" Paul bellowed.
"Yeah, sure, anything you say".
"Maybe Jin isn't a child," Jun continued, pointing behind the belligerent biker, "but those little children behind you are!"
As Paul turned around, he was met with a baby bottle to the head, then tripped up by 2 toddlers and a pull-string toy.
"Hey! What the f**k!?!" he exclaimed.
"You're not supposed to say the 'F' word" one of the toddlers spoke.
"Now you must face the consequences." The other replied and sprayed some milk right into Paul's face.
Kuma growled in a laughing sound, whilst Kazuya laughed in a growling sound.
"Yeah, sure, anything you say"
"Make it stop! Make it STOP!" screamed Paul, as he was left, tied up on the floor, not able to move, and stuck with a tape of Barney The Dinosaur™ singing non-stop in his face.
"hehe, o-hehe-k hehehe-then." Chuckled Kazuya, "But-hehe-you-hehhe-must help us-hehehehe-with-hehehehe-something, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"What IS it?" cried Paul
"You have to-hehehehe-help us-hehehehehehe, find our mail." Kazuya continued
"Sure, anything!" agreed Paul, "Just make it STOP!"
Kazuya nodded at the toddlers, and they pressed the 'stop' button on their tape player.
Paul sighed with relief.
"Remember Pauly," Kazuya concluded, "If you ever get out of line, there will be HELL TO PAY!!!"
"Erm, Kazuya? Your….y'know, thingy is-" fumbled Jun
"MY FLY'S OPEN?"
Everyone turned to look at what was going on.
"No, but er, the…devil thing is…" an embarrassed Jun said
"OH" replied Kazuya, as he reverted back to his real non-Devil form,
"Hey, what going on?" spoke a voice
"Not another anonymous voice!" moaned Jin
Everyone gasped
"I do have a life outside my Gameboy Advanced y'know" he fumed
"Hey! I said, what's going on here." Spoke a person, revealing he to be Marshall Law, with his son Forest
"They spoke in unison?" an astounded Lee spoke, as he reappeared with the team
"Yeah, they spoke in unison" replied a voice from the sky
"Oh God." Muttered Kazuya
"That's right!" replied the voice from the sky
"Anyway, what's going on here?" spoke Marshall, "I need some information here."
"Well," replied Jun, taking a deep breath, "Our mail wasn't delivered so we started a big search-party for the missing mail, we made our way down to this harbour where a boat heading for our former residence on Yakushima was about to set sail. We boarded the ship and found Paul Phoenix. 2 toddlers forced him to join our club by submitting him to a tape of Barney The Dinosaur™, which he gave in to quickly. Then all of a sudden, you and Forest came round and asked what was going on, which made Lee surprised and a voice speak from the sky, then you asked what was going on here, so I told you that our mail wasn't delivered so we started-"
"He gets the picture dear" Kazuya interrupted, "Anyway, will you join us on our search? And before you say 'no', consider the fact that I can kill a person in a second quickly-if they're lucky"
"Kazuya!" exclaimed Jun angrily
"What? I can't threaten people nowadays?" replied Kazuya
Jun frowned
"Ok, ok, forget the threat" relented the demonic one
"Who? Jin?" spoke Lee
"Sure, yeah, anything you say." Replied Jin, tapping away on his Tamagotchi™ (?)
'That boy needs some treatment' thought Kazuya
'I heard that!' Jun thought back
"We'll join the group," spoke Forest, "But only if you can pay my credit card bills"
"Forest!" exclaimed Marshall
"Hey, I'm bored, so I need something to do" excused Forest
"That's not an excuse." Replied Marshall
"Oh yes it was!" cried out an audience of 5-7 yr olds
"Oh no it wasn't!" Marshall cried back
"Ignore Marshall, they'll join." Paul spoke for the two squabbling Bruce Lee look-alikes
"Excellent!" replied Kazuya, smiling with two thumbs up and wearing a black hat saying 'Kaz's World' on it, while everyone else rolled their eyes.
And so the boat set off for Yakushima, sailing over calm, choppy and wet waters. And as the sun set in the distance, Kazuya couldn't stop thinking about his mail.
'I'll find those letters, I swear it!' he promised himself as the words 'dramatic moment' flashed from nothingness. Then he was joined by the lovely Jun
"What are you thinking about?" she asked him
"Oh, nothing, just about what it could say in our mail." He answered
"Ah." Replied Jun. Then everything went quiet, with only the sound of water splashing against the sides of the sea vessel and the sound of the ship's engine, and not forgetting the sounds of other people talking.
"Y'know, sometimes I regret this quest, I mean, our mail's mostly bills anyway." Kazuya spoke out from the silence
"It's only been a day Kazuya," Jun replied, "Besides, we can't stop now. We made a commitment to this search and we'll go through with it"
Kazuya thought about this for a moment, then replied.
"I guess you're right, besides, we don't want the phone cut off do we?"
"Not at all." Replied a happy Jun.
Then the loving couple looked into each other's eyes, moving closer to each other (as the words 'romantic moment' flashed from nothingness), and as they began to kiss……Kuma shoved his head in between the two and got both kisses on his furry cheeks.
"Oh, Kuma!" Jun and Kazuya exclaimed
Kuma growled happily, with some canned laughter following straight after.
And lo, 3 new members joined the team (known as 'Team Mail Search')
Stay tuned in for next time for 'Part 3: Yakushima here I come' where…
All this and more in the next edition of 'The Search For The Holy
Mail'!
To Be Continued…