By the anxious Saiyan Rage

“Let me guess…she’s taking too long with part 10, so she thinks making an episode in which we discuss Tekken 4 will suffice?” Kazuya asked rhetorically. “And this is episode #-1. How the hell does an episode go into negatives—”

  Lee came up to Kazuya and whispered something to him. Kazuya’s eyes widened.

“That cursing thing from episode 9 is still in effect? DAMMIT! This isn’t even part of that @#$%ing storyline!” he cursed, “Hell, this is just a goddamn SIDE STORY!!! AND, it takes place BEFORE episode 9! Dammit, where’s the consistency when I need it?! …You know what? I don’t give a rat’s ass if I get fined for each swear word!”

  Lee raised a silver brow. “Uh, episode, right.” He took out a memo pad so he could tally up the number of times Kazuya had sworn so far.

  Kazuya calmed down as quickly as he could. “I have called this meeting so that we may discuss the forthcoming Tekken game…Tekken 4. We’ve all seen the screens from that Zaibatsu place, so let’s start discussing that. First on the discussion is my much-anticipated return to the Tekken series, as it was soon revealed that the seemingly ‘mystery’ Mishima was, OBVIOUSLY, me.”

  “Well, I suppose if dropping him off a cliff doesn’t kill him, then tossing him into a volcano wouldn’t hurt him that much either,” stated Michelle.

  “Damn straight,” replied Kazuya.

  Law raised his hand. “Uh wouldn’t your return to the Tekken series mess up the storyline—” he started, but he was smacked by the legendary 2x4.

  “Who gives a damn about the story?! Tekken 3’s had no effort put into it, so why would there be much more in the fourth installment, huh?” replied Kazuya.

  The Committee remained rather silent.

  “Remember, everyone, he said that, not us!” exclaimed Yoshimitsu.

  Kazuya sneered. “If you’re implying that Namco may kill me off again, well…actually, you are probably not that far off.” Kazuya shrugged his shoulders. “Oh well, I can always invade the Namco building again! And with C4 this time!”

  “Right on!” encouraged Nina.

  “Just don’t put me in a cardboard box with that guy again,” muttered Paul as he pointed to Law with this thumb. Law sniffled.

  Bryan spoke up. “You know, you really look messed up this time around.”

  Kazuya shot Bryan a strange glance. “And this is coming from the vampire with the many scars on his body.”

  “Zombie. ZOMBIE! I thought we discussed this already!” cried Bryan.

  “Right, zombie, whatever. Okay, so I don’t look like I normally do, but I think it makes me look more bad-ass,” stated Kazuya.

“I would think that you would hate the fact that your face is scarred,” said Jin.

  “Hey, I’m just pretty damn grateful that I’m even IN Tekken 4, thank you!” exclaimed Kazuya.  “Besides, there are no screens of you in there yet—hey, maybe you’re a hidden character! HA! HA! HA! You, a hidden character! How do you like them apples?”

  “Whatever,” replied Jin.

  “Damn, again!” exclaimed Hwoarang.

  Jun elbowed Kazuya in the side. “That’s not nice,” she warned.

  Kazuya shrugged his shoulders. “Hey, I haven’t been a default character since Tekken 1. I deserve to gloat.”

  “Hey, according to my sources, until the mystery Mishima was revealed, some thought that Kazuya was an unmasked Armor King,” stated Yoshimitsu.

  “What?” Kazuya asked in a monotone voice.

  “Well, I suppose it could throw one off…I mean, Armor King has that red eye,” explained Yoshimitsu.

  “Yeah, but my other mask has a red eye on it too!” exclaimed King.

  “…He’s right, you know,” replied Nina.

  “Meow! Meow meeeooowww, meow, mrow, mew,” added Kat-zumi.

  “Kat-zumi adds that Armor King’s skin was too dark to be Kazuya’s, or the mystery Mishima, in this case,” translated Jun.

  “Why does it have to be about skin color, huh?” demanded Bryan.

  “Uh, Bryan, you have no color,” said Kazuya.

  Bryan was about to rebuke Kazuya’s point, but he thought about that. “Hey, yeah, you’re right.”

  Kazuya rolled his eyes.

  “What’s with that red eye, anyway?” asked Nina.

  “Dude,” Hwoarang said as he pointed to the picture of Tekken 4 Kazuya, “It glows!”

  (Insert wild cheers here.)

  Kazuya shrugged his shoulders. “What does it matter? Makes me look even more fearsome.”

  “By the way, what was with that Kaeuya thing?” asked Julia.

  Kazuya cringed.

“Is he your long-lost brother?” asked Ganryu.

  “Yeah, another Kazuya…that’s what we need,” muttered Lee. He immediately flinched for the inevitable beat down.

  Nothing happened.

  “Hey, why didn’t Lee get owned?” asked King. “He insulted Kazuya, and he didn’t get owned! Aw, man!” he took a swig of beer to calm his nerves.

  “The reason why Lee isn’t lying on the floor unconscious is because he’s right. We DON’T need another one of me,” answered Kazuya. “I’m all the Kazuya anyone will ever need, thank you.”

  The ladies blushed. Especially Jun.

  “We don’t need one of him, period, which is why Tekken 3 was gre—” Of course, Paul never got to finish his sentence, because he was smacked down by a large candy bowl.

  “Hell yeah!” exclaimed King. “Someone got owned!”

  “Man, what’s with you wanting to see someone getting owned by Kazuya all of a sudden?” asked Yoshimitsu.

  King shrugged his shoulders. “I’m full of energy! Adrenaline’s pumping! YEAH!” He crushed the beer can on his head.

  The Committee all glared at the wrestler.

  “Lee...memo…get some serious Valium for King,” Kazuya finally replied.

  “All right, so what about the Kaeuya thing?” Julia asked with a hint of impatience and annoyance in her voice.

  “It was a typo made by a certain page that will be left unnamed,” Kazuya finally answered.

  “What’s really sad is that it’s a Namco page,” said Ganryu. Kazuya smacked him with the fabled 2x4.

  Kazuya sighed. “I’m gonna get my ass sued….”

  “Wouldn’t be the first time,” muttered Lee. He was smacked in the head by an ashtray.

  “You need to use one anyway,” Kazuya said as an attempt to justify his actions.

  “I’m surprised you took that Kaeuya thing pretty well,” noted Nina.

  Kazuya smiled sheepishly. “Look, what really matters is that I’m in the game. Besides, they’ll get what is coming to them.”

  The Committee was curious, and afraid, of what Kazuya would do to them.

  “I already know I’m in it,” Paul said with confidence. Kazuya turned his head in his general direction.

  “Man, is it just me, or has Paul’s hair actually gotten a little bigger?” asked King as he opened another can of beer. Everyone gathered around Yoshimitsu’s laptop.

  “Hey yeah, it is a little bigger!” exclaimed Julia. “I didn’t think that was humanly possible.”

  “You’d think he’d have started to lose his hair by now,” said Michelle.

  “I’m just surprised Paul hasn’t suffered from any serious neck problems,” stated Nina.

  Kazuya laughed. “That would be funny as hell if during the game, just as Paul is winning, his neck goes out, automatically killing him for the whole battle.”

  The Committee snickered, except for Paul, who was obviously offended, and Lei, who was asleep.

  Paul glared at Law. “Well…at least I’m in it!”

  Law gave Paul a puzzled look. “Huh?”

  Paul smirked. “Yup! Turns out the only Law that’s making an appearance is MARSHALL Law, and not you!”

  Law’s lower lip trembled. “That’s…not fair…”

“Don’t feel so bad, Law,” said Michelle. “I bet you would be in it, if Paul hadn’t dragged you out to the third one without your dad’s permission.” The instant Paul’s name came out of her lips, she gave him a nasty glare.

  “Man, what the hell is with everyone getting on my case today?” asked Paul. He was then smacked upside his head by a Tekken Tag strategy book (Prima or Versus Books, take your pick).

  “Because nobody likes you,” reminded Kazuya.

  Paul rubbed the back of his head. “… I’m deeply hurt…”

  Kazuya ignored him, and got a good look at the screen. “Since we’re kinda on the subject of hair…Hwoarang, what’s with yours?” Kazuya looked at Hwoarang, who just stared blankly at a wall.

  Hwoarang shook his stoned state out of his system, and stared at Kazuya. “Huh?”

  “Looks like you dyed it magenta, but you missed the roots because they’re black,” explained Nina.

  “So, like, you mean Hwoarang’s hair isn’t naturally red?” asked Ling.

  The Committee just stared at Ling.

  “Dude, what did they do?” Hwoarang walked up to the computer. His blunt fell out of his mouth. “Hey, what the hell? I look like a girl!”

  “As if you didn’t look like one already,” muttered Jin. Hwoarang walked up to Jin.

  “Dude, I’ve had enough of your attitude!” He kicked Jin in the stomach.

  Jin clutched his stomach. “Okay, that’s it, you asked for it, bastard!” He punched Hwoarang in the gut.

  “Hell yeah! This is MY kinda fight! People, place your bets!” exclaimed Nina.

  “I got 50 on Bob!” declared Bryan.

  “I’m placing a hundred on Hwoarang,” replied Kazuya.

  “Dad!” exclaimed Jin.

  Kazuya shrugged his shoulders. “What, I can’t bet against you?”

  “I’m placing thirty on Jin!” exclaimed Julia.

  The crowd became excited as Hwoarang and Jin exchanged blows. Jun tapped Kazuya on his shoulder.

  “I hope you plan on putting a stop to this,” she said.

  Kazuya smirked rather weakly. “Gee, I’d really like to, but this is a matter of honor and some bullshit like that.”

  Jun shook her head. “Then I’ll put a stop to this.” She walked up to the two boys, and grabbed them by their ears.

  “Ow, ow, ow,” the boys winced.

  “Hwoarang, don’t let me catch you fighting my boy like that again. And Jin, shame on you! You know better than to pick on others, and wherever did you pick up that kind of language anyway?” asked Jun.

  Kazuya whistled.

  “Hey, I won!” exclaimed Michelle. “Pay up!”

  The betting members groaned as they all handed Michelle their money.

  “You bet on Jun?” Lee asked.

  Michelle nodded. “They didn’t think she would jump in, but I knew, OH YES.” She then laughed rather manically, and Lee hid himself behind Kazuya.

  “Like, am I in it?” asked Ling as she put on some flavored lip-gloss.

  “You sure are,” replied Yoshimitsu.

  “Like, let me see.” Ling walked up to the laptop, but when she saw her picture, she gasped.

  “Like, what did they do to my teeth? Oh God, I may never show my face in school again!” she cried.

  “Braces really do wonders,” reminded Paul.

  “Like, shut up!” Ling cried. “If they, like, don’t give me a yellow ribbon, I’ll…I’ll…GOD!” she slumped into her chair.

Kazuya raised an eyebrow. “Uh…right.”

  King looked at the laptop. “Hey…I’ve changed…not at all! But am I supposed to be wearing a cape in that picture?”

  Nina inspected the picture. “I think so. Who knows? All I know is, if I’m not in it, its f, f+3 for Namco.”

  Paul immediately covered his crotch area, while the men in the Committee let out a wince, except for Lei, who was…still asleep.

  “Damn, I wouldn’t even wish that on my own father,” said Kazuya. The Committee glared at him. “What? I really wouldn’t, because I bet he’s so impotent, there’s nothing worth kicking anyway, you know?”

  “Could have gone without hearing that one,” remarked Michelle.

  “Hey, isn’t there going to be a new guy in Tekken?” asked King as he opened up another beer.

  Kazuya nodded. “Indeed there is.”

  Anna fixed her hair. “I hope he’s cute.”

  Nina let out a snicker. “He’d want nothing to do with the likes of you.”

  “Says you, bitch,” replied Anna.

  Nina stood up, and got in Anna’s face. “Who you calling a bitch, ho?”

  “OOOOOOOH,” said Bryan.

  Anna stood up, and got in Nina’s face. “You, bitch.”

  “OOOOOOOH,” said Ganryu.

  “Hey, don’t copy me,” warned Bryan.

  “What are you going to do about it?” asked Ganryu.

  Bryan grinned, and kneed Ganryu in the stomach. Ganryu, who was unfazed by the attack, responded with his sumo slaps, which actually had some effect on Bryan.

  (“Funny,” Kazuya said in the midst of the fight, “Tanks don’t faze him, but physical attacks do. Namco is simply genius when it comes to consistency.”)

  Nina stomped on the ground. “Hey, dumb-asses! We’re trying to fight here!” She then came up to the two of them, and used her f, f+3 attack on them. Ganryu was curled up on the ground, holding his groin in pain after he was struck. Bryan grabbed his crotch too, but he suddenly got a puzzled look on his face, and stood there.

  “Hey, that’s not as painful as you guys made it out to be,” he complained.

  Kazuya shuddered. “Alright,” he finally said, “Let me get the new guy in here.”

  “Wow! You managed to get him to come to our meeting?” asked Julia.

  “No; actually, he’s been sitting out there for a while, and he looks like he needs something to do,” answered Kazuya. “Besides, the sooner he gets out of the building, the better.”

  He opened the door, and motioned for whomever it was that was waiting outside to enter. Kazuya stepped back inside, followed by a man with medium-length blonde hair that was slicked back in a style similar to—

  “Like, Andy Bogard is gonna be in Tekken? Is that, like, legal?” asked Ling.

  “You’ll have to forgive her,” apologized Jun.

  “Yeah, she’s not the brightest bulb of the Committee,” added Hwoarang.

  “Like, you’re all so mean,” said Ling.

  “So, what’s your name?” Anna asked in a seductive voice.

  The new guy noticed that she was flirting with him, so he put on a rather fleeting smile. “The name’s Dean. Dean Earwicker.”

  A sudden silence fell on the Committee.

  Bryan clasped both hands over his mouth. Lee’s cigarette fell from his mouth. Nina’s knife fell from her hands. King spilled his beer. Michelle stopped polishing her axe. Yoshimitsu looked up from his laptop, jaw wide open. Kat-zumi’s ears perked up. Kazuya was in a state of shock. Lei was…still asleep.

  Jun knew what she had to do. “So…Dean, could you tell us about yourself?”

  Dean shrugged his shoulders. “I really can’t say.”

  “And, uh, why is that?” Jun asked.

  “Because Namco didn’t give me a profile yet. I came here because I heard you gave that Unknown girl an identity, so I figured you could give me one too.”

  Kazuya glared at Dean. “Hell no.”

  Dean was taken aback. “But why not?”

Kazuya sneered. “You have to wait for your profile just like the rest of us did!”

  Dean’s face fell. “But, but…” He sighed. “Fine. I thought I could get help from you lot, but I guess I was wrong!” He then turned around, and stormed out of the room.

  Bryan burst with laughter. “OH MY GOD,” he exclaimed, “I think this guy is more gay than Lee!”

  Lee chewed on his cigarette a bit. “I’m not so sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult.”

  “Purr, meow, meow,” suggested Kat-zumi.

  “Take it as you feel you should take it,” Jun translated.

  Lee shrugged his shoulders.

  “A profile is the last thing that guy needs,” said Kazuya. “If I were him, I’d go up to the Namco building and kick their asses for coming up with such a crappy name.”

  “Man, that was a waste of two minutes,” complained Nina.

  “You’re telling me,” concurred Lee.

  “Hey, get a load of this,” announced Yoshimitsu. “More information just came in.”

  The Committee (except Lei) gathered around. There was silence for a few minutes.

  “Uh, aren’t you going to read it to us?” asked Nina.

  “Huh?” said Yoshimitsu. “I thought you were all reading over my shoulder.”

  “That’s too much effort,” shrugged King.

  Yoshimitsu glared at King. “You’re sitting right next to me.” He sighed. “Alright, I’ll read it out loud.” He cleared his throat.

  “Okay, according to this, Tekken 4 is a direct sequel to Tekken 3—”

  “Like, Duh,” said Ling.

  “—it takes place 2 years after Tekken 3, and there will be no tagging like there was in Tekken Tag—”

  “Like, duh again,” replied Ling.

  “—And one of the new features that will be in it are walls.”

  “Like, huh?” asked Ling.

  “Wait, what?” Kazuya asked.

  “This could be good, this could be bad,” said Jun. “Who’s to know?”

  “Well, if one of the benefits of having a wall is smashing Paul’s face against it repeatedly, then I’m all for it,” shrugged Kazuya.

  “That’s not funny,” replied Paul.

  “Those Namco folks had better know what they are doing,” said Bryan.

  “They’re doing something right, since I’m in it,” stated Kazuya.

  “Well, for their sakes, I had better be in it too,” Nina said as she pulled out her gatling gun.

  “Same for me!” exclaimed Julia as she cracked her knuckles. “Or I’m gonna go Mad Axes on some Namco ass.”

  Jin’s eyes widened. “Damn, Julia, I’ve never heard you talk like that before.”

  Julia shrugged her shoulders. “I guess hanging around this Committee every week for the past few months has had some influence on me.”

  “Yeah, well, meeting’s adjourned, for now,” declared Kazuya.

  “For now?” Bryan inquired.

  “Well, yeah…there’s going to be more Tekken 4 information for us to discuss,” replied Kazuya.

  “Cool. I damn well better be in it,” muttered Bryan as he left.

  “What is it with everyone wanting to be in Tekken 4? Just because I’m in it…” Kazuya rolled his eyes and shook his head.

  Law was in low spirits as he left. Michelle approached him.

  “Hey, you wanna go shopping or something?  That usually cheers me up,” suggested Michelle.

  “Okay,” Law agreed.

  “We can go for ice cream afterwards if you’re still feeling badly,” Michelle added with a grin. She then turned to Paul and brandished one of her axes at him.  Paul slowed his pace down, and Lee flinched again, even though the axe warning wasn’t directed towards him.

  “Well, another meeting done and gone,” declared Kazuya.

  “Indeed,” Lee said as he tried not to think about Michelle’s axes and the mysterious room she had at her house.

  “I say we go celebrate my return to Tekken. Oh damn! King just left. We better catch up to him,” said Kazuya as he grabbed his trench coat.

  “Uh, did you know Lei is still in here?” asked Lee as he pointed to the Super Cop.

  Kazuya shrugged his shoulders. “Big deal. He can lock the door on his way out.”

  Lee shrugged his shoulders as well, and turned off the light and closed the door as he and Kazuya left the meeting room.
 

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AND NOW, A WORD FROM KAZUYA MISHIMA

  “This is a tad unusual, seeing a Tekken Committee story being written so fast. Then again, Saiyan-Lady claims the jokes and ideas were practically handed to her, so no harm in that, I suppose.

  “This episode was okay, I think…there were strange moments, such as King’s all-out strange adrenaline rush, and the noted lack of consistency, as my swearing ban was still in effect despite the fact that this episode takes place before part 9, where it came into effect. Jin and Hwoarang’s play on the Nina/Anna catfights was funny as hell, though, and Nina jumping in on Bryan and Ganryu’s fight was something else. But, just what is with that Dean Earwicker guy? He really does need a name change. But hey, if it leads the way for more jokes, then that’s all good.

  “Also, it must be noted that Saiyan Rage had taken a slightly old-school approach…Ling doing that air-headed thing that she naturally does, and her obsession with the yellow ribbon; Michelle’s axe-murderer tendencies; and of course, the return of the 2x4.

  “I suppose that is all for now. Hopefully Namco can hurry up with releasing more information, as I am curious to see what the Committee has to say about it. Until Next Time…”

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  NEXT EPISODE: Uh...the Committee continues with their discussions about Tekken 4! More characters will be revealed! Who will be happy that they are back? Who is going to lead an invasion to Namco HQ? Will Kazuya continue to brag about how he is in Tekken 4? Will Nina and Anna get into a fight without interruptions? Will they make more fun of Dean Earwicker? More importantly, will Lei actually wake up? Tune in next time for TEKKEN COMMITTEE -2: Even More on Tekken 4(hey, that’s rhymes)!

(Psst…Kazuya’s total swearing fines for this episode: $360)

  Kazuya sneered. “Damnit...”

  ($380)

  “That’s not funny,” Kazuya said.

  ($400)

  “I didn’t cuss that time!” exclaimed Kazuya.

  (I’m just screwing with you.)

  Kazuya folded his arms. “Bastard.”

  (Okay, now it’s $400.)

  Kazuya let out a frustrated sigh. “I’m going to hand each and every one of the members of the Language Board their asssssumptions.”