Quick summary for Mike: TITLE: The Life and Adventures of Narsil A. Sword, Part 5 AUTHOR: Maya Tijan ERA: MARATHON, Episode 102(or NONE) CATEGORY: DnD, PG(sorry, but I couldn’t resist that fourth host segment…) ORIGINAL AUTHOR: Margaret Silvers > We were going through a spot where there were lots of >boulders and rocks and crevices. Suddenly about two million orcs >seemed to come out of nowhere. Marine: - and begin tap-dancing. > I could’ve *sworn* that nothing >had been there. > Off track. Kamui: Off-road. Blake: Off the beaten path. Leela: Off-plot. Marine: Off-color. Others: That’s you, all right. > Anywhow, the only options were to fight or >surrender. We picked fight. Blake: Tragically, they had overlooked the deus ex machina avalanche nearby. > It was a madhouse. Leela: Right where I’m beginning to think that Margaret belongs. > Everybody was yelling. But we were >lucky, because it was daylight and orcs can’t fight very well in >the light. *Plus* it was sunny, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Kamui: Can Margaret make things easier on her heroes? YOU decide. > Apparently(and none too soon) the orcs decided to give up and >ran off. Marine[as orc]: I can’t hold it anymore! WHERE’S THE TOILET?! [Leela bops him.] Leela: Bad cyborg! > Estimate of casulties: three dead, two mortally wounded, six >wounded. Oh well. Galadriel will be busy tonight. Shucks. >Siiigggggggghhhhhhhh. [All make various faces.] Marine: I’m usually open about this kind of thing, but that’s just WRONG! > Oopsy. I accidentally copied directly from my diary. Excuse >me. Leela: Great. I think Margaret’s a little *too* good at the whole “male perspective” thing. > Falling asleep was easy. I was exhausted. We camped only a >little way from the rockfield. We couldn’t possibly go very far, >but we couldn’t stay there either, not after what had happened. Marine: Something happened? I didn’t notice. > In the morning, I looked, and I was *horrified*. I could not >believe the devastation. There were more than *twenty* elves >dead, and a lot more were wounded. Blake: But - but she just SAID - but - GAAAAAAAH! [Head explodes with usual Servo effects.] Kamui: Eep. Leela: Who’s going to clean THAT up is what I want to know! Marine: Ah, leave him for a while. It’ll be a mercy. > And I had known something was going to happen. And I hadn’t >told anyone. I felt terrible. At least the feeling something >was going to Happen was gone. It would’ve made it worse. Kamui: At this point, that could signal the impending heat-death of the universe. > I decided to talk with Elendil. Everybody was just beginning >to pack up, and looking around carefully in case of another >attack. Of course no one would, or did, anyhow. Leela: Would WHAT? Do WHAT, exactly? Kamui: Would get married? Would buy an apartment? Would stick a sword into a tree? Marine: Do drugs? Do the Dew? Do IT? Leela: Maybe I wasn’t as curious as I thought. > Elendil said it was OK, that it was hindsighting and was no >use. I guess he was right. It was no use hindsighting. Kamui: How many different sentences can Margaret make using the words “hindsighting” and “use”? Let’s go to Maya’s precalculus class for the answer. Marine[as Mr. Stuart]: Now, class, let’s have some FUN! Assume that a “sentence” has exactly five words, and that we’re only choosing from five thousand different words. [Puts the problem up on the board.] Who’d like to solve this? Leela[as Nigel]: I calculated the answer several minutes before you asked it. Kamui[as Patrick]: Yeah? Well, *I* figured it out last night at math club! Leela: It’s 2.599 times ten to the fifteenth power! Kamui: Not even close! You forgot to calculate - [The two go off into a long mathematical debate.] Maya[swirly-eyed]: Someone shoot me now. > I >finished packing up, and had to wake up Sam, who had sustained a >*minor* cut on the arm. He considered it major enough to sleep >in. He considered wrong. Marine[as sword]: That cut won’t bother him anymore… though the gaping flesh wound where his arm used to be might. > We ate on the way. Everyone wanted to leave as soon as >possible. Nobody wanted to stay in the Misty Mountains any >longer than they needed to. Neither did I. > We walked all day and half the night. I was exhausted. My >blade was nicked because of all the stones, and if I had had any >springs, they were no longer springy. [Kamui and Marine snicker.] Marine: Only one way to find out… Leela: NO. Kamui[whiny]: But… Leela: NO! Kamui: Jeez, you’re as bad as Blake. Leela: Speaking of whom, shouldn’t we resurrect him now? Marine: Yeah, why not? Kamui: I’ll do it… [Puts a new Blake-head onto Blake.] There… Blake: Huh? What happened? Kamui: Nothing, just like the rest of this fic. Don’t worry about it. > It was easy to get to >sleep. Some unfortunate elves had to stand guard duty. They >probably slept the whole time. > The next morning everyone was so sore, we started late, and >only made a few miles, and we stopped early. [Marine and Kamui snigger again.] Leela: Okay, that does it. I’m appealing to the readers! Blake: Allow me. [Clears his throat.] Attention, unfortunate souls who have wandered into this story! Which would you rather hear, a dirty joke about being sore or a biting retort on the overuse of commas? [Silence, while Leela processes the replies.] > A scout saw an orc, >but he shot it and it didn’t warn anyone. I drew guard duty for >the second watch, and resigned myself. Marine: So? What’d they say? Leela: Actually - the majority of readers indicated that we should ignore that entire sentence and make Kamui do a striptease. Kamui: WHAT?!?! Marine[sniggering]: That’s not the reader, that’s the author! Sorry, Bob, Leela, but you two got gypped. Kamui[holding his shirt on protectively]: Let’s just get on with the story, okay? > At least Elendil drew the >same watch, so I wouldn’t be bored. Kamui: See? I TOLD you so! And you laugh at Quatre and Trowa. Marine: Jeez - I’m beginning to think you ARE a teenage girl. > I stayed up awhile, thinking about some things in my pack I >could take up to the watch. I decided on a pencil and some Marine: - guns, so I could blow things to smithereens if I got bored. >paper, so I could have more things to write about in here. Leela: I wish the sword HAD taken guns. Things would be so much easier… Kamui: Or at least more eventful - there’s nothing like guns to liven up a dull story. Leela: I think it would take a lot more than guns in this case. > Then >I fell asleep. [Marine drifts off into a nap, snoring loudly; Leela pokes him awake.] Marine[sleepily]: Whatcha do that for? If a dumb sword can do it, so can I… Leela: Nope. We’re ALL suffering through this one together. > Elendil woke me up for our watch. We picked an empty post >that looked towards the West, and Eressëa. I sat down and wrote >while Elendil watched for enemies. Then he read what I had >written(a story)(no duh, Elendil just said) Blake: That’s one heck of a smiley. > while I watched. We >both watched. Absolutely nothing happened. Next we started >drawing strange things and cartoons. Something happened. Blake: - on the way to the Forum. > We >laughed so hard we were wiping our eyes. Leela: There’s a logical connection there somewhere… but I’m not seeing it… > We drew them the rest >of our watch. We distributed them among the elves(the mages >copied them for us) as we marched, and *they* laughed until they >cried, too. Thus was the newspaper born. The sentries did it, Kamui: Well, no WONDER, if sentry duty’s that boring… Leela: You don’t need to take Durandal’s place as Double-Entendre Producer, you know. >and the mages copied it. It was called “The Daily Marcher” and >was a big hit, especially with the sentries. Guess why! Leela: They had no lives? Marine: They sucked? Kamui: They were on laughing gas? Blake: They had no choice because the author was omnipotent? > (they >wrote it on duty) Marine: I like ours better. > Well, after our watch, we ate and then marched. As we >marched, we distributed the newspaper, and what happened is >written above. > We stopped for lunch, but it was a brief lunch. Blake: Judging by previous menus, I’m guessing that everyone had one piece of bread and some water. > A couple of >elves stopped to compliment us on the comics. Everyone’s >favorite one was Sauron, with some arrows and swords sticking in >him, saying, “I’m *too* popular.” Weird, isn’t it? Leela: I’m failing to find the humor here… > Another one much complimented on was Gollum on top of a >really high cliff with a stream at the bottom of another cliff, >saying “thirsty it is, yeeesssss.” Pretty neat, huh? Marine: Heh - that one I like. Kamui: And you would be the only one. > Too bad none of it *really* happened. I would have >appreciated Gollum dying that way. And believe me, Sauron is >*much* uglier. All: We believe you! > After lunch, we continued marching, and we *finally* got out >of the Misty Mountains. As soon we found a decent campsite, we >got out all the beer and really *partied*. Blake: Oh God, not again… Why do I get the feeling that Margaret has NO idea what partying is? Marine[yawning]: Because she’s a little Puritan prude. > I mean, *partied*, as >in *everybody* having drinken at least *five* tankards, except >the healer. Full-size tankards. Even I was drunk. The mages >conjured a rock’n roll band(fake), and we danced. Everybody. [Kamui begins to cry again.] Kamui: The agony - it’s too much… Marine: If the pain’s getting to a CLAMP character, you KNOW something’s bad. [Kamui continues to cry.] > The next morning, everyone had a horrible headache. Blake: Well, at least Margaret finally figured out that drinking has its consequences. All[dully]: Yay. > The >healer was busy making rounds, and I was content to ride in my >scabbard instead of walking. I didn’t feel well, because the >healer was so busy I didn’t ask her. I fell asleep. > I woke up late in the afternoon. It was partly cloudy, and >maybe 55 degrees. Marine: Not only can the sword cry like Serena, fight like a drunk skunk, and drink like a Puritan, it can tell temperature, too! > It was late April, so it could be that cold. Leela: Um - yes? Kamui: No one was arguing with you, Anduril. Blake: Maybe the voices were acting up again… >My hangover was gone. We were very close to Rivendell, and I >decided to walk the rest of the way. > For those of you who don’t know already, Blake: I.e., people living in a remote jungle valley somewhere on a completely different planet… Marine: Like me! > Rivendell is a >fairly large valley that houses the Last Homely House West of the >Mountains, which is where Elrond lives. Elrond is a half man, >half elf, Marine: All woman! Wait… no… that doesn’t work. Darn. Kamui: It would be pretty interesting to see how Tolkien managed THAT. > with the lifespan of the latter. He was coming with >us(minus his truly beautiful daughter who married Aragorn) and >some elves he lives with, including Legolas. Kamui: That’s some orgy he’s got going there. Leela: Before I REALLY start screaming, I’m going to say this once and only once: The Last Homely House is NOT a house of ill repute, and this fic is completely innocuous, whatever you little perverts think! Kamui: Awwww… where’s the fun in that? > Our next stop would >be Hobbiton, then on to the Grey Havens. You’ve heard the rest >and it’s time for another paragraph, hum-de-dum-de-dum. Kamui: Fee fie fo fum, I smell the blood of an American who’s soon going to die a painful horrible death at my hands for inflicting this story on the universe… > We continued on(our group a little larger) to Hobbition, Blake: YES! All RIGHT! Others: What? Blake: We didn’t have to read Margaret’s butchering of Rivendell and its inhabitants! She didn’t describe them! Others: WOOHOO! Marine: That’s even better than the tense changes! >which is a nice place but not my idea of a dream home. A place >to relax, yes, but not *live*, anyway. Of course, there are many >people who like it, but a sword is not one of those who do. Leela: Where does a sword want to live, anyway? On a mountain of skulls with rivers of blood? Marine: Dunno - but that sounds good to me. >Well, we weren’t staying long, at any rate. > I was doing a little informal scouting, and I found a rune- >covered stone. I made a few calculations and figured the glade >with the stone trolls was not far ahead. Kamui: Wait just a minute - weren’t they in Hobbiton already? Blake: I guess not… Margaret’s got her temporal/locational senses a bit muddled again, that’s all. Leela: Again? They were never focused in the first place! > I went back and told >Elendil, Sam and Gil-Galad. I thought about telling Loralan, but >it didn’t have as much meaning for him, so I didn’t. Tell him, >that is. Leela: I guess Margaret’s teachers never thought she was old enough to learn how to complete sentences properly, or deal with indefinite pronouns… Marine: Deal with whats? Leela: Just shut up. > I told Celeborn I was taking Elendil, Gil-Galad, Sam, and >Loralan hunting, since we needed food. I figured Loralan could >come with us, at least. He gave me permission(Celeborn, not >Loralan). Blake: Yep, definite problems with pronouns there. Marine: Even Maya doesn’t care anymore. Leave off the grammar, okay? > So I gathered them up to leave and figured we could >probably catch something so we’d would have an excuse to have >left. Leela: We could've should've would've, but we couldn't, so we didn't. > We went straight to the glade, and Loralan laughed at a >bird’s-nest with eggs right behind one of the ears of one. It >*was* pretty funny, because the *nest* looked better than those >ugly old trolls, and the nest was very messy. Kamui: Oh, everyone’s a critic these days. Blake: Including us, technically. > There were twelve >eggs in the nest Leela: Enough to feed the entire caravan for the next week, according to the Margaret Diet. > (what a prolific family), and Sam took six which >everyone else parceled out and ate while I looked for more(I like >eggs). Marine: I like swords. But I like guns even more. [He thinks.] If I put them together… Kamui: Sword-guns, yo! Marine: Wow! How’d you guess? Kamui: With you - it’s not hard. > I found one with four eggs unguarded, and one with a >grouse, which I killed. We would take it and the other eggs I’d >found back. We left the six eggs in the Troll’s Ear Nest behind. > When we got back, I dropped off the stuff at the supply >division and went to my scabbard, where I got caught up in my >diary(I’d been neglecting it). Marine: SCREW YOUR DIARY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH LAURANA?! Blake: That was “Laurelenia,” and I have no idea. [Marine breaks down sobbing.] Marine: Oh, Laurana, Laurana… the cruelty is too much to bear… > After getting caught up, I went scouting again, ’cause I >couldn’t keep still for long. Kamui: So the sword has ADD… that’s something to keep in mind. Blake: Why? Kamui: Well - now that you mention it… > It was exquisite out. I found a >glade full of violets and a wild white rosebush. Gil-Galad was >with me, and we climbed all over this big gray rock. It looked >like a whale to me, but Gil-Galad said it was like a ship with >its sails furled. I bet Elendil would have said it looked like a >bird with its wings spread.* >*We called it “the Many-Shaped Outcrop”. Kamui[as sword]: Because we have the same gift of naming things as a ten-year-old fantasy addict with poor grammar. > We returned to the camp dirty, tired, and happy. Leela: Do any of you know what that last paragraph proves? Kamui: That Margaret believes in the persistence of childhood magic? Blake: That Margaret’s powers of description are improving a molecule at a time? Marine: No, what? Leela: That the story still isn’t over! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! > We rinsed >off in the stream and practically fell into our sleeping bags. Kamui: Our communal sleeping bags, that is. Heh heh. [He pauses.] Where’s the bloody hand of Destiny when you really need it to come crashing out of the sky and kill you? > I >think Gil-Galad managed to stay awake long enough to answer some >questions, but I fell asleep instantly. I dreamed that I was >back in Morder, but I was invisible. Then I saw what appeared to >be Sauron(if he didn’t have much power and was good) walking with >what looked like Gollum(if he were good)! Blake: So how on Lh’owon would they be recognizable? > They were talking >about what they would do when they got to Illian. Sauron wanted >to go to the Gray havens and sail for Eressëa. Gollum wanted to >stay in Illian. But they were’nt argueing. They were calmy >discussing the merits and demerits. Spooky. Sauron never, in >the whole of his existence, discussed things calmly. Then the >dream ended, and I slept like a log the rest of the night. Leela: I bet that dream was supposed to be some kind of vision or foreshadowing or something… Blake: But thanks to Margaret’s “skill” at writing, none of us care any more! Whee! > In the morning we all trooped past the Troll’s glade without >a glance, so I was glad we’d gone yesterday. Blake: ‘Cuz you know, the look of joy your kids get when they see those trolls is one of those priceless Mastercard moments. Or something like that. > > Author’s Note: Marine: Wha…? Leela: It’s - over…? Blake: Done? Kamui: It’s stopped…? > Not having worked on this story for four >years, and looking back on it only to see how much it *sucked*, All: No, really? >I’ve decided not to complete it. All: ALL RIGHT!!! WOOHOO!! NO MORE! > Nothing else happens, anyway, >except for everyone getting safely to the Grey Havens and parts >beyond. Leela: I never would have guessed THAT would happen. > I’ve also given it to my friend Maya to MiSTie, and I >hope that it turns out well. Come on, everybody, give her a good >rating! She worked really hard! (I should know - I helped her.) Kamui: Margaret - helped? [He looks over one shoulder fearfully.] Does that mean…? Blake: Probably, but who CARES? It’s OVER! >Anyway, shameless plug over with, so - I’m really sorry about the >fic. All: YOU SHOULD BE! > All I can say is that I didn’t know any better. > Margaret > Leela: And that’s it? That’s all she wrote? Marine: Looks that way. Blake: Know what that means? Kamui: WE ARE *OUTTA* HERE!! WAAAAAAAAIIIIIII!!! [All make a stampede for the doors - which open this time. Apparently Durandal has been hard at work.] [Hatch… Borg Door… Holey Door… Drawbridge… Portal… Cafeteria Doors… Dogbone…] [On the bridge, Kamui, Blake, and Leela are weeping on each other’s shoulders; Marine and Durandal are presumably offstage somewhere.] Blake[sobbing]: I didn’t think we’d make it… I was sure we’d be goners… Leela[ditto]: The pain… the horrible, horrible pain… Kamui[ditto]: Oh, dear Buddha, the sheer agony of that grammar… at least there was something sickeningly pleasurable about being nailed to a block of stone with glass splinters… [Blake and Leela stop crying and give Kamui a Look.] Kamui: Did I say that part out loud? Leela: Yes. Now go be a little masochist somewhere else, please, Blake and I have real pain to work through. Kamui: Oh, fine - the Marine’ll sympathize… [He exits stage left, muttering.] I never said it was AS pleasurable as being a glass-quilled porcupine… Blake: Do you think he’s normally that sick, or is the author just being weird? Leela: I blame the Marine and Durandal. Of course, I blame them for everything anyway. [The Mads light flashes.] Blake: Oh, gods - it’s that crazy doctor and the other two - they’ll want to gloat… [He starts sobbing again.] I can’t face them like this! I just can’t TAKE it any more! Durandal[from offstage]: And it took so long to bake it! Marine[also from offstage]: And you’ll never have that recipe again! Durandal, Marine, and Kamui[coming on from stage left, harmonizing]: Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [Leela and Blake stare at them, speechless.] Durandal: Didn’t anyone teach you to answer the phone? Shame, shame. [He hits the light, which continues flashing.] Durandal: Huh. Whaddya know - that’s one of the things I haven’t gotten around to fixing yet. No calls from the Mads. Kamui: Is that bad? Others: NO! Blake: If they can’t talk to us, they can’t send us anything to read! WOOHOO! Leela: Durandal - if you promise to never, ever, EVER fix that hookup - I’ll consider not killing you. Durandal: It’s a deal. Kamui: Well, I guess I’ll be going now… since my part’s done and all… Durandal: I forgot to mention - the connection with the Mads is also linked up with that Hexfield thing. Kamui: Meaning…? Durandal: As long as the connection’s down - you aren’t going anywhere. [Kamui has nothing to say; his eyes only get bigger and bigger.] Blake[forced cheerfulness]: Well, at least you won’t have to worry about more bad fanfics while you’re here! Marine[same]: Or the end of the world! Leela[same]: Or being a sadistic killer’s victim! Kamui[finding voice]: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY FUUMA-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! [The others sweatdrop.] Kamui: FUUUUUUUUUUMA-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!! WAIT FOR MEEEEEEEEEE!!! [Fade to ending credits.] Disclaimer: Marathon characters and situations are all property and copyright Bungie Software, Inc. Mystery Science Theater 3000 belongs to Best Brains, Inc. Kamui, his character, likeness, and situations are copyright CLAMP, Asuka Magazine, Kadokawa Shoten, and whoever else has a claim. The Lord of the Rings is copyright the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien; the fanfic is copyright Margaret Silvers, now matter how much she wishes to disown it, and is MiSTied with her permission. All other characters and situations mentioned during the course of the MiSTing are copyright their respective owners. There is no God. ______________________________________ Anyhow, we stayed right in the room the whole time, because no one faces a Black Rider (or more than one) even I break into even more pieces if I pierced a Black Rider, anyway.