[Hatch… Borg Door… Holey Door… Drawbridge… Portal… Cafeteria Doors… Dogbone…] [Blake is dressed a blue and white Saiyan suit, with a black pointed wig that has a HUGE widow’s peak.] Blake: Why are you guys making me DO this? Marine[OS]: ’Cuz it’ll be funny! Just wait a sec - there! [Kamui comes out from stage right(your right), wearing a short teal wig and make-up.] Leela[OS]: Why couldn’t *I* be Bulma? Marine[OS]: ’Cuz it’ll be funny! Just wait a sec… Blake: Well, if you insist… [changes to gruff Vegeta voice] What do you want, woman? Kamui[falsetto]: Why, you, ya big hunk of drool! Durandal[OS]: Uh… Marine[OS]: Just wait a sec! Blake[as Vegeta]: Get away from me, woman! Wait - what did you say again? Kamui[falsetto]: I said that all I want is to purr over *you*, Vegeta, ya big hunk of drool… purrrr… purrrr… [bats eyelashes flirtatiously] [Hysterical laughter from off-stage.] Marine[OS]: Wait! It’s not over yet! Come on, guys! Blake[normal]: I’m going to kill you, cyborg. [switches back to Vegeta voice] That’s what I thought you said! C’mere, woman! Kamui[falsetto]: Oh, yes, Vegeta! [Sways over to Blake, still purring slightly.] I am your river! Please, row me with powerful strokes! [More laughter.] Blake[as Vegeta]: That’s right, woman! I’m Vegeta, and I HAVE to row with powerful strokes! Kamui[falsetto]: Oh, yes, Vegeta! [Wraps arms around Blake.] Blake[normal, looking off-stage]: Okay, are we DONE yet? [to Kamui] You can put your hands back where they belong now - please? [From off-stage - only laughter.] Kamui[normal, slightly disappointed]: Oh, all *right*. [Exits stage left, taking wig off as he goes.] Not Fuuma, but yet… [merciful voice fade-out] Blake: Okay, guys, you can come out now. [Marine, Leela, and Durandal enter from stage right, still laughing and supporting each other.] Leela[giggling]: You’re right - that *was* funny! Durandal[snickering]: Strange, bizarre, and twisted - but still funny! Marine: Kamui as Bulma was an inspired choice, don’t you think? [Leela and Durandal stare, then burst out laughing again.] Blake[annoyed]: I get the idea - now can you PLEASE cut it out? Marine: Not a chance, Bob my man - or should I say, Vegeta my MAN? Blake[ticked off]: Oohh - that DOES it, Vid Boi! HIKEEBA! [He grabs a handy piece of metal and takes off after Marine, who has run off stage left.] Leela[wiping her eyes]: Okay, that was definitely worth it. Durandal[same]: Heck yeah. Say, Leela, can I ask a favor? Leela[thinking]: Hmm - ah, sure, why not? What is it? Durandal: Well, this fanfic is really getting me down - I can hardly stand it anymore. Would you mind taking my place for a bit? Leela: Sure, as long as you take over the satellite’s functions. Durandal[ecstatic]: Absolutely! Thank you, Leela! Thank you so much! You’re my angel of God! [He grabs her hand and kisses it.] I can’t thank you enough! Leela[blushing]: Now, look… [Pfhanpfhic Sign!] Leela[hastily]: Oops! Looks like I’ve gotta go! [She rushes off towards the theater.] Durandal[smirking]: Sucker. [Dogbone… Cafeteria Doors… Portal… Drawbridge… Holey Door… Borg Door… Hatch…] [Leela sits in Durandal’s seat.] Kamui: Leela-san, what are you doing here? Leela: Riffing, hopefully. Blake: Well, we’ll soon see how you can take it. Just watch us for a while. [Text resumes scrolling.] > I slept soundly all the night through. Elendil and Sam took >turns on sentry duty, and they said nothing had happened. Blake: What a HUGE surprise. > Gil- >Galad and I believed them. And we are not gullible idiots, >either. [Group snicker.] > The second day it rained. I was not happy at this >development, but then again, nobody was. We huddled under >blankets, Marine: Hmm… I see possibilities… Leela: No. > or at least Sam and I did. Elendil and Gil-Galad had >to row, [More group laughter.] Kamui: Whenever I see that phrase, I’m going to think of you, Blake. Blake: I’m flattered - I think… Leela: You should be. > and us ones under the blankets pitied them. > About midday it cleared up and we came out of the blanket’s >shelter. We landed the boat and spent a few minutes resting. >Sam was sick in the bushes, Kamui: Oh, yes, *that* was something I wanted to know… > because he doesn’t like boats and I >had better get off the subject because I see Sam coming… All: Huh? > Whew. Sam passed on. Leela: WHAT? Sam DIED? What kind of fanfic IS this? Marine: You don’t want to know. > But I’m not here to tell about daily >events around here, Blake: Around WHERE? WHERE? Kamui: Stop dropping these weird little hints, all right? Face it, Margaret, you can’t foreshadow worth crap! Marine: Yeah, you just can’t get foreshadowing the way you used to… > so I had better get back on task. > We got back on the boat and continued down the river. Sam >didn’t get sick again. All[dully]: Yay. > But this was getting boring. I wished we could meet a party >of orcs or something. Blake: Oh, God! No! Save us from the “copy and paste” syndrome! Marine: What’s that? Leela: A TurtleNinja neurosis. Marine[enlightened]: Oh. > After all, a sword’s natural habitat is a >battle, preferably a large one against a lot of enemies. I told >Elendil, “Can we find an adventure? This is really boring.” All[pause, then]: STOP TEMPTING US! >Gil-Galad overheard and chided gently, “Narsil, I know you’re >getting bored, but this is good. Fighting is dangerous for us, Kamui[heavy sarcasm]: No! I thought fighting was SAFE for humans! Blake[quoting]: I had thought danger was the safest thing in the world, if you go about it right. >if not for you. We could get killed.” I felt sort of >embarassed. Leela: You SHOULD be, for writing this story! > Gil-Galad was right. I could not be killed, but >they could be. All[praying]: Please, please, *please*… > We were passing through the Brown Lands now, a bleak land of Kamui: - depressing _X_ fanfiction. Leela: Is there any other kind? Marine: Well - Margaret wrote a self-insertion one with *you*, Kamui, that wasn’t too bad… Kamui: Oh, great. Marine: I’d be happy to show it to you sometime… Kamui: Later. Definitely later. >dead grass and low hills. This was even *more* boring. There >wasn’t even a flower. > We beached the boat at night and hid in some tall brown >reeds. I drank some river-water and replenished our bottles. [Leela snickers.] Marine: Hey, what’s funny? Leela: Oh, nothing… just calling up a list of all the nasty intestinal viruses and worms that breed in water… > I >took sentry duty while everyone else slept. At midnight I woke >up Gil-Galad and he watched until dawn. Then we got back on the >boat. Marine[narrating]: Then we rowed some more. The Brown Lands were still boring. We got off the boat. We ate some cooked jerky. Then we got back on the boat. Then - Leela: Enough already. > Then we passed into woodland, which wasn’t much better. If >you are wandering [Laughter.] Kamui[snickering]: *We’re* still right here - but the story is just “wandering” all over the place… > how we got there so fast, Elendil and Gil-Galad >are very good rowers. [Group laughter.] Blake: I will never be able to watch any boat-related sports again. Kamui: That’s funny. I was thinking about doing some - ahem - research on that subject… Marine: And for some reason, I’M the sick mind here? Others: YES! > After all, Elendil’s from Numeanór, Blake: I can’t *believe* she’s still misspelling that. > and >Gil-Galad lived by a port. > Suddenly, I saw a flash of gold. [Everyone looks suspiciously at Leela.] Leela: What are you looking at *me* for? *I’m* not the greedy AI around here! > It must be the mallorn >trees of Lorien! We were there! I had waited *forever* to get >to Lorien, it seemed like. Marine: And we’ve undergone *pain* forever while you *got* to Lorien. > I passed along the joyous news, Kamui: If you’re not going to end the story, then STOP TALKING ABOUT JOY AND GLADNESS! > and Elendil and Gil-Galad >rowed harder. [Kamui opens mouth, but Leela interrupts.] Leela: No more references to that skit now, I mean it! Blake[as Fezzeg]: Anybody want a peanut? > We beached the boat and found nine bows bent with nine arrows >trained on us. This was not quite expected. All[quietly chanting]: Shoot… shoot… shoot… shoot… > “Who is it?” said one of them. All: You DON’T want to know. > I spoke up for all of us. “I >am Narsil A. Sword, this is Sam Gamgee, this is Elendil, and this >is Gil-Galad.” Blake[chirpily]: That’s right, friends! We’re a talking sword, a three- foot-high hero, and two dead guys! We’re really happy to meet you! Marine[harsh, mechanical voice]: We are the Stupid Pointless Characters. You will be dragged into a lousy fanfic. Resistance is futile. > This little speech caused a lot of dismay and surprise among >the Elves. Leela[heavy sarcasm]: Gee, I wonder why THAT could be? > They discussed the matter among themselves in their >own language, of which I do not know, which is strange Blake: - because I am an all-powerful, all-knowing good guy. >considering I am usually good with languages and know quite alot >of them*. >* Not that I am bragging. All: Oh, *really*? > People say it all the time. Marine: Of *course* they do - you’re a sword! You can beat the *crap* out of anyone who disses you! > Then the one who had spoken before spoke again. “You must >come with us to see the Lord and Lady.” said he. This had been >our intention from the start. Kamui: Voyeurs. > They led us along a path. Elanor and niphredil bloomed >beside the path*. The beautiful golden leaves waved in the >gentle breeze. I could, once, in a while, hear voices Blake: Oh, not *those* voices again - somebody get Margaret her pills, please… > high up in >the trees; Elves, on their flets*. It was just beautiful. >* Elanor is golden. Niphrldil is pale. Marine: Niphrldil - a vampire’s favorite spice! ’Cuz it’s - pale - and - and - it ends in “dil”, like the spice - and - IT’S FUNNY, I TELL YOU! LAUGH! LAUGH! Blake: HO. HO. HO. >* flets are platforms that the Elves in Lorien live on. They have their >own languages and customs. > Elendil and Gil-Galad were enthralled. Marine: Who would win in an all-out fight? A couple of Thralls or the cast of this story? Kamui: As if that even needs answering. I’ll put my money on the Thralls. > They had never been >in Lorien before. Even Sam, who *had* been here before, acted >like he was in a dream. And he was not faking, either. Leela: Margaret’s not used to having people believe her, is she? > We finally came to Caras Galadon*, city of the Elves of >Lorien. The path led straight to the gate. Before, Sam had to >go around the walls for maybe a mile on his first journey. >* Who knows what Caras Galadon means? Marine: Who cares? > We were led straight to a big tree. And it was ONE BIG TREE. Blake: I wish I could say that I no longer cared about how *stupid* Margaret’s writing sounds… Kamui: I wish I could still think up excuses for her… Blake: Oh, she’s *way* past that stage. >It was maybe 30 feet around and maybe a hundred feet high. Leela: Stop guessing and ask someone, okay? > We went up a flight of stairs(odd, they usually have ladders) Kamui: Please allow me to point out the obvious fact that STAIRS ARE EASIER TO CLIMB THAN LADDERS! Blake: Especially when you’re talking about ONE BIG TREE. >to a great hall full of Elves. I guessed they were finishing up Marine: - the ritual disembowelment of the *last* bad fanfic characters. >a feast. Galadriel rose and welcomed us, as did Celeborn. Blake: Once again, they apparently don’t know who they’re dealing with. > Then >she said, “Come, and eat and drink with us.” So we did just >that. Kamui[dully]: Oh great. Another lousy dinner menu. I’d say that Margaret was experienced with “copy and paste,” except that she *sucks* at it. > “Now,” Galadriel* said, Kamui[perking up]: What? No list of foods? Hey, maybe things are beginning to get better! > “I have heard strange tiding Kamui: Or - maybe not. > that >Elendil, Gil-Galad, and Sam have arrived, not to mention Narsil. >That is strange. We thought that you two”(pointing at Elendil >and Gil-Galad) “were dead.” Blake: Sorry - you only *wished* that. >* She is very pretty. You have to see her for yourself. > Elendil skoke up All: Elendil did WHAT? Leela: Did he light up a toke? Marine: Or smoke a Coke? Kamui: You two are making even *less* sense than Margaret is. > then and told Galadriel, “Simple Leela[as Elendil]: - plot holes made by the author whisked us away from those final blows and dumped us right here in the present. Marine[as Elendil]: Actually, we were kinda hoping *you* could tell *us* what happened. >inexperience and fatigue caused a mistake. We were merely >wounded.” “But how did you survive?” asked Galadriel. Elendil >had a quick answer. Marine: Look! We finally get to find out why Elendil and Gil-Galad are still alive! Others[dully]: Yay. Blake: AFTER we’ve stopped caring, of course. > “Because Gil-Galad and I shared blood with each other. Leela: Okay, since when have there been vampires in the Lord of the Rings? Blake: Sometimes it’s better not to think about it. > After >all, *I* did not want to die any more than Sam here does.” When >Elves begin to give him icy glares, he added hastily, “It didn’t >hurt Gil-Galad’s life span at all.” Kamui: Is there some reason why it should? Marine: Well, *everyone* knows that losing blood is bad, because if you lose enough you die… Blake: I don’t think that’s the logical connection that Margaret is trying to make, but it sure makes more sense than hers does. > Then they stopped giving him >glares. Leela[cheerfully]: Don’t worry! We still hate you! > I distracted them from that subject by asking Celeborn about >the War of the Ring, which I had had a small part in but it >certainly wasn’t much and I knew it by heart anyhow. Marine: Great - it’s a nerd-sword. > It was very lengthy, and Gandalf had a large part in. Soon >they would be leaving for Rivendell, and then the Grey Havens. >We would go on the last ship from Middle-Earth to Tol Erëssea, Blake: At least, Margaret *hopes* that’s where the umlaut goes… >within sight of Valinor. Bilbo, Frodo, Gandalf, and several >other Elves Kamui: Not to be critical or anything, but I don’t think Bilbo, Frodo, OR Gandalf are Elves. > would be going as well. Sam might come in a few >years. > “And we are coming, too,” I told them firmly. I was >determined that Sam would come *now* instead of in a few years. Leela: What’s the difference? It’s not like *any* of you don’t have more than enough time… > However, this was not discussed, and we sat down to a fine >meal. I talked to a friendly Elf who was interested in Kamui: - being bored to death. >swordplay, battle moves, and stories. He was young, maybe fifty >or sixty. Marine: Um - isn’t that kinda old? Blake: Not for these elves, they’re immortal. Now shush, I think Margaret’s giving us an original character and I want to enjoy it! > His favorite story was one about Gondor. He told me >some tales himself, some made up and some genuine. I made a new >friend, and I was glad he was going with us to Erëssea. Blake: I told you. Leela: She might have introduced someone original, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be any better written than the others… > I had wonderful time, and so did Elendil, Gil-Galad, and Sam. >Sam overcame his fear of heights and slept with the rest of us on >a flet. Kamui: Great - they’ve suborned Sam’s morals and got him into a treetop orgy… Leela: I *don’t* think that’s what Margaret meant. Marine: Oh, we all know that - but it’s more fun our way. > The next day we packed up and had breakfast. Then we headed >out. It was a lovely day, and the sky was so blue I can’t >describe it. Leela: You could at least give it a try… Blake: Speaking from experience, I don’t think that would be a good idea. > I took a young mallorn sapling, about a year old, >and put it in clay pot. That way there would be mallorns in >Eressëa. Blake: Look, she switched the umlaut - I knew she didn’t know where it went… Kamui[hopefully]: Maybe she looked it up and figured it out? Blake[pause, then]: Nah. She’s still guessing. > I named it Laurelenia. Marine: Ooh, the Golden General - any chance of that girl Tika showing up? Kamui: You do realize that no one’s going to get that, right? Marine: But Tika was a BABE! What did she see in that Caramon lunk anyway? Blake: The same qualities she would see in you, only without the big guns. Marine: The guns make all the difference, Bob. > We were headed for Rivendell, where we would pick up Elrond >and several other Elves, and then on to the Grey Havens. There >we would get a ship to Eressëa. I thought it was a good plan. Leela: That’s not a plan! It’s a travel itinerary! Kamui: What’s the difference? It’s all one in this fanfic. > I rested in Elendil’s scabbard, dreaming up ways to tease >Gil-Galad. I was also looking at the scenery. Lauralenia was >tied to Elendil’s back and was jouncing around some, [Marine goes starry-eyed.] Marine[dreamily]: Mmmm… Laurana, “jouncing”… it all adds up to a real visual feast… Blake: Shut up. > but nobody >was tired yet. Galadriel was walking at the head of the line, >and Celeborn was beside her. > Sam was perfectly happy, chatting away with an elf he’d met >on his first trip. Blake: Oh, *no*… another poor sap dragged from Tolkien’s prose to this piece of crap… > I was telling the elf I’d met last >night(Loralan), about one of my first battles. He was very >interested. Marine[as sword]: That was the first time *that* had happened… > Then we came to the river. We were divided into groups and >put into boats. Leela[as sword]: Just like the big sacks of potatoes we were. > Loralan, Elendil, Gil-Galad, Sam, myself, and >Sam’s friend were on the same boat. However, everybody was tired >and fell asleep. I watered Laurelenia [Marine opens mouth.] Blake: Don’t say it. We don’t want to hear what you get out of that. > and put some fertilizer >into her pot. I fiddled around with the gems on my scabbard, but >the plain fact was I was bored. Leela: Well, join the rest of us up here. > Hmmm. I had some paper; maybe I could a write letter. Kamui: Every time I think her writing’s getting better… there’s something like that. > But >there wasn’t really anyone I knew except Aragorn. Besides, who >would carry it to him, even if he is King of Gondor? Marine: What, no e-mail? Not even a simple *postal* service? What kind of universe *is* this place, anyway? > I could write a story. There are lots of things to write >about, real *or* imaginary. Leela: Unfortunately, Margaret doesn’t seem to to have picked any of the *interesting* ones. > Or I could keep a diary, which would >be a good idea if I was going to make a story out of this(which I >did, as you can see). Blake: Ah, an obvious turning point in history - if we only had a time machine… > Then I decided to do both. So I wrote >about today, and thought about a story I could write with it. Kamui: I have an idea - it goes something like, “Today, I wrote down what I did. Then five people came out of the sky and killed me. The end.” Blake: It’s okay. This story can’t last that much longer… Leela: I've checked. It can. Kamui: You didn't have to tell me that. >The only one I could think of was a diary of the trip from the >viewpoint of a young Elf. Leela: Which would be different from what you’re already writing - how? > That sounded, boring, so I decided not >to write a story just then. Marine: Hey, the sword has better writing judgement than Margaret! Leela: Will wonders never cease. > Maybe later. > By now I was thirsty, so I had some fine Elven wine. Kamui: I wonder if Margaret knows it’s possible to write the phrase “Elven wine” *without* preceding it with the adjective “fine”… Blake: No. > That made >me sleepy, so, naturally, I went to sleep. Leela: What an amazing display of logic. I’m going to kill Durandal for this. > When I woke up, it was late afternoon, and everyone else was >already up. Marine: Zzzzzzzz… no ‘m not… [Leela shakes him.] Leela: Get up. If we have to suffer, so do you. [Marine sticks his tongue out at her, but wakes up.] > “Hey, Narsil!” exclaimed Elendil. “You won the snoring >contest between you and Sam!” [All glare at the screen.] Blake: What kind of gambling idiots does Margaret think guys ARE? Marine: Dunno, but five to one she’s NEVER gonna get a date. Kamui: You’re on. [Leela rolls her eyes.] > All the gems on my hilt turned red, which is the best I can >do, as far as blushing is concerned. Loralan noticed and said, Blake[as Loralan]: Ha ha! What a LOSER! Hey, look at the baby blush! Ha ha ha! Marine: Now, now, what’s Durandal told you about rehashing your old, bad childhood memories while we’re in the theater? Blake: As far as I can recall, he said, “Go ahead, it’s your own brain you’re traumatizing, after all.” Marine: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. >“Aw, it’s alright. Most of us were asleep. But those who were >awake were betting on who would win!” He was convulsed with >mirth. Marine[impressed]: My God… these people are even *more* easily amused than me… Leela: And that’s saying a *lot*. > “Guess who won the betting?” said Haldir mischievously. > “Who?” I asked, not expecting an anwer. > “Elendil and me!” said Gil-Galad quicky. Marine: Ewww… Blake: Not asking. Just not asking. > “We were more >familiar with your sleeping habits.” [All cringe and shudder.] Leela: Okay, that was NOT an image I was looking for! Blake: KYA! My eyes! My innocent eyes! Marine, Kamui[simultaneously]: Blechhh… > He smirked. > I charged straight towards them. Marine: All right! Finally, we get some real death and destruction! I’ve been waiting for this for the whole fic! > “No offense meant. Really, Narsil, you take things too >seriously.” said Elendil. Kamui: Just like this author! Blake: Really - has *anything* she’s written intending to be funny been at all amusing? All: NO! > And he was asolutly right. I do take things too seriously. >Everybody is constanly telling me to *lighten up*. Of course, I >never do. Leela: Who thinks that the author is projecting right now? [Everyone raises their hands.] Leela: That’s what I thought. > It was pretty late, and we were in no hurry, so we made camp. Blake[bossy voice]: Okay - you two, start putting those logs into a cabin shape! You there, start making a bonfire circle! And make sure there’s room for everyone who’ll be at the sing-along! >We were about halfway to the Gladden fields. That is very >impressive rowing(coupled with a good wind). I finished up my >diary and decided to write a story about a snoring contest. Leela: She really, really doesn’t plan on letting anyone read this, does she? I mean, if they outlawed the death penalty as cruel and unusual punishment… > I was not very hungry, so I did not eat much. Marine: Excuse me for a minute while I channel someone, okay? [Switches to an extremely accurate Durandal impression.] I’m sorry, but you’re a SWORD. You’re NEVER hungry, and you DON’T EAT! Leela: That’s scary. Marine[normal voice, beaming]: Thank you! > I was still >tired(despite my nap), and I didn’t stay up very long. I fell >asleep only a few minutes after they started the fire. Kamui: Okay, that’s IT. I’ve HAD IT with this story, I want OUT! [He gets up to leave the theater, but Blake grabs him by the arm.] Blake: Sorry, kid, but no go. We’re all suffering here, but do you see US trying to make a break for it? Marine: No, you don’t, on account of me having a gun and not being afraid to use it. Leela: I would have been gone long since if it wasn’t for him. Blake: Same here. [Kamui sits back down, looking at the Marine mistrustfully.] > I woke up in the morning, totally fresh and not a bit tired. >We all got on board and rowed off. The wind was good, and we >were making good time. Blake: I wonder if something will ever go wrong in this story… Kamui: I wonder if the author is building up suspense for a big finale… Leela: I wonder if Durandal expects to live long after I get out of here… Marine: Hey, anyone got any mints? > Gil-Galad got out a chessboard, and Elendil played against >him. Normally Elendil is the better chess player, but Gil-Galad >had learned a new move and won the game. Kamui: And this is important - how? Blake: Shush! We all have to know EXACTLY how these people amused themselves on the boats! [Marine snickers, and others give him very strange looks.] > Now it was my turn to play against Gil-Galad. I am a much >better player than either Gil-Galad or Elendil. Leela[heavily sarcastic]: Of course! Being the main character AUTOMATICALLY makes you better than all your friends, which is why you lose them so fast! Marine: Calm down, Leela. Remember what Blake said - “It’s only a fanfic…” Leela: Don’t I wish. > I won the game >easily, and the next player was Haldir. I beat him, too(but not >as easily). Next player! Marine: Um - Allen! Youji! Male-Maze! Casanova! Leela: Not that kind of player, twit. > The next player was Loralan. He was very confident. Good >chess player, but I won. I was the chess champion! Ja! Kamui: Look! She said “bye” in Japanese! Let’s all make a break for it! Marine[waving gun around, almost accidentally]: It ain’t over yet. Sorry, kid. > Then it was checkers, but I don’t like checkers. Instead I >snuck off with Elendil and taught him to play chess better. Kamui: Yeah, sure, a likely story. Marine: Good grief, you’re as bad as those girls that want Trowa and Quatre to get married. Kamui[starry-eyed]: But Trowa and Quatre are so *cute* together! [Marine gives up.] > Then >I played against him, and, (get ready for some really *amazing* >news) *he beat me*! This is amazing. All[as Ben Stein]: Wow. > Then everybody went down for rowing duty. I stayed above >decks and wrote in my diary. Then I watched the scenery. It was >pretty boring. Kamui: Just like this story! Marine: I thought you had stopped doing that because it was too easy. Kamui: Sometimes you just have to take the easy way out. > I decided to write in my diary again and then write a story. >I got my paper out, and filled a whole page about this morning. >Then I started a story about a 7-year-old chess champion and a 97 >year-old one. It was a heartbreaker. Blake: It broke the heart of every editor who forced themselves to give it even a passing glance. > By then it was about five o’clock, and I could see the >Gladden fields. I couldn’t wait to get off the boat. Leela: And we can’t wait to get out of this theater so we can STRANGLE THE LIFE OUT OF DURANDAL! Kamui: Calm down, Leela-san. Your day will come… > Gil-Galalad came above decks, rubbing some small blisters on >his hands. Elendil followed him, then Sam, then Haldir, then >Loralan. Some procession! Blake[little kid voice]: Ooh! Mommy, lookit the clowns! Lookit the clowns! Leela: I see them, dear. Far too well. > “What are you writing?” asked Elendil curiosly. “It looks >neat.” Marine[as Elendil]: It’s got all those cool scribbles and things. What are they called again? Let-tars? > “It’s about chess” I answered. “You can read it when we get >to the Gladden fields.” > The Gladden fields are not very important, Kamui[as sword]: Otherwise they could have bribed their way out of being mentioned in this story. > but they are a >halfway point between and the Old Forest Road, and it was great >to know we were halfway there. The sooner the journey was over, >the better, as far as I was concerned. Leela: Finally, a point on which we can ALL agree. Others: Amen! > We got there about seven o’clock. I had some fish and water. >We told some stories. I told one about a skirmish with >hobgoblins the day before the Big Battle, as I called it. Blake: Most other people called it “That little brawl because of what Sauron said about our Sharon.” >Celeborn and Galadriel looked sad. After that I crawled into my >scabbard and fell asleep. Marine: Now if only *I* could do that… > It was cloudy when I woke up, and the wind was strong. >Fortunatley, it was blowing up toward the Iron Hills(it was a >South wind). Still, I was not looking forward to the trip. > Unfortunatley, Kamui: - all the ley lines in the area had been distorted by the black hole of the author’s evil, and - and so everything was - um - messed up, and - uh… [Gives up and breaks into tears. Leela pats him on the shoulder.] Kamui: It’s too much - too much - pain… > I was right. The water was rough, and soon it >began raining. Not a nice, soft drizzle, but a pouring, all-out, >thunderstorm. Perfect. Marine[as mad scientist]: Perfect for bringing the dead back to life, that is! MWA HA HA HA HA! > Everybody went belowdecks to get out of the rain. Blake: These boats are either really big, or incredibly tiny - I can’t figure out which… > Elendil >got out the chessboard, and we had a chess championship, and >Loralan won. I wasn’t playing, so I made a medal for the winner >out of red ribbon and a golden leaf from Lauralenia. Marine: Hey, that’s MEAN! How’d you like it if I came over and plucked out some of YOUR hair, huh?! Blake: I’M not going to stop you. Having my hair pulled out sounds like a trip to Disney World compared to this story. > Loralan >really liked it(I put his name on it after I knew who won). We >had a mock ceremony to celebrate(it was lunchtime anyhow). Leela[dull voice]: Woohoo. Party. Others[ditto]: Yay. Let’s party. [Kamui bursts into tears again. Leela gives him a quick hug.] Leela: It will end. Eventually. > After lunch, we all took a nap. It was still raining, so I >took Laurelenia outside to be watered. [Marine opens mouth again.] Blake: I already said no. Marine[whining]: But - Blake: NO! Marine: You guys are such wimps. > No sense in wasting water >when it raining, my forger said. He tempered me during just such >a storm, by holding me outside. That’s why I am such a “natural” >sword. [All just stare.] Kamui: There is no God. Blake: God is dead, and Margaret killed him. Leela: He read those sentences and just keeled over. Marine: Who’d blame him? > But that’s off the subject. After I put Laurelenia outside, >I checked for rust, found none, and crawled into my scabbard. I >fell asleep instantly. > When I woke up, it was evening, and we had stopped. I was >absolutely Leela: Look, she spelled a word ending with “-ly” right! Blake: Surely an achievement to rival any triumph of William Faulkner. > starving. I couldn’t wait to eat. > That night I could not sleep. I tossed Kamui: - my cookies… Marine: HEY! That’s what *I* should have said! Kamui: Too bad. > and turned. I was >tired, but my sword’s instincts wouldn’t let me sleep. Marine: Wait - if YOU’RE a sword, why are you carrying around ANOTHER sword? > It was so >quiet, why weren’t there insects buzzing? [Kamui makes cicada noises.] Leela: I don’t think those are in season. > Something was wrong. Seriously wrong. I was scared stiff. >That is not normal behavour for me, anywhere, with anything. Marine: Hmmm… Blake: NO. > I went to Elendil’s sleeping bag, I said “Wake up” softly. >Then I said it a little louder, and he woke up. > “What is it?” he asked sleepily. Blake[as Elendil]: If it’s that thing about the giant rabbit again, I swear, I’ll… > “Something is wrong.” I said. “The fire’s out.” > Then he attacked. > > (new chapter starts) > [Kamui bonks head.] Leela: She FINALLY decides to start a new chapter, and she doesn’t even know HOW?! [Kamui bonks head harder.] > > “He” was Sauron. Though he could no more become a Dark Lord >than he could grow a flower, Blake: Hey, if a SWORD can turn Dagorlad into some kind of garden, Sauron shouldn’t have any problems. > Sauron could still attack someone. > He might be a little easier to beat this time. Leela: No! Really? > But I still didn’t know why I was scared stiff. Sauron, >horrible though he was, had never scared me stiff. Kamui: Evil Fuuma, on the other hand… Marine: Hey, you show potential! Kamui: I have to survive this SOMEHOW. > Then I just stopped being afraid. Whatever evil had been >there, was gone. I joined the fighting(before I’d been standing >still). Leela: Rather like this story. > It was sort of grim. Blake: Well, more of a slightly dark cast… or, actually, it was kind of depressing, too… Oh, who does she think she’s kidding, it was grimmer than the deepest pits of Lh’owon! > Everyone was fighting for the lives. Leela: - of the newborn Siamese twins, but to no avail; their joined hearts couldn’t take the strain, and they died. > A >couple elves were magic users, and they were casting spell. I >wished Sauron was dead or trapped. Then I wouldn’t have to >worry. Blake: Neither would we… > I got a stab at him in the shoulder, and he shrieked his >lungs out. One of the magic-users got him Kamui: - this absolutely FABulous form-enhancing lacy lingerie, with special little thingies that - [Blake puts a hand over his mouth.] Blake: That’s as far as that goes, pal. > with some purple >lightning, and he disappeared. That is, he ran away. > “So that’s why people won’t come this way!” said Loralan, >breathing heavily. Marine: Wow! I didn’t know Margaret had it in her! [Blake hits him over the head. Hard.] Blake: And don’t even TRY to pretend you’re innocent - I know EXACTLY what was going through your perverted little brain! Marine: x.x > At least no one was killed, I though. Just some small >wounds. I collapsed in my scabbard and fell asleep instantly. Leela: The narrator does that a lot in this story. I didn’t think that writing horrible stories was THAT hard… Kamui: Me, neither - I always sort of pictured Margaret as sitting over her little notebook, watching TV while she scribbled down random sentences influenced by whatever show was on… > Next morning, I was not very hungry. All I had was some >olive oil. We got on the boat and sailed straightaway. Blake: Never say “straightaway” again. > It was a >nice day, thankfully. > We stayed abovedecks, and the scenery was nice. After a >while it got boring. Kamui: Just like this story! Blake: Except the story started out boring and got worse from there. > We had *another* championship, this time for >checkers. I used a blue ribbon and a small piece of silver. Leela: I’m pretty sure that those aren’t legal checker pieces. >Elendil had won, so I put his name on it. We had a mock >celebration, but no food because it wasn’t lunch yet. Elendil >his “medal”, especially the ribbon, because his favorite color is >blue. Blake: I think there’s supposed to be another verb in that sentence, but frankly I don’t care anymore. > Then it was lunch, and I had a sandwich. I know I’m putting >in a lot of unecssary information, Leela: If “unecssary” means “unnecessary” - a perfectly reasonable hypothesis - then it looks like Margaret’s FINALLY starting to figure out a few tricks of the writing businesss! Marine: Whoopee. This story still sucks. > but writing this is the only >way to get out of chores(yes, there are chores in Eressëa). Kamui: Wouldn’t you know it - a beautiful elven paradise, and someone’s STILL gotta take out the trash… > After lunch: well, think of your parents eating dinner. Blake: I’d rather not, thank you. Marine: Dinner? Mmmmm… Kamui and Leela: What parents? > Then >they dance to Rock’n roll. Blake: GYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! BAD IMAGE! BAD BAD BAD!!! [Leela pats him on the shoulder.] Marine: What’s “Rock’n roll”? > Add the facts they are drunk, are on >a boat, and some are elves, and you got our party. It wasn’t too >wild, but it was wild enough. We danced all afternoon. After >dinner, we fell asleep instantly. We were pretty tired. Kamui[overdoing the sarcasm]: What a bunch of party animals. Leela: I’ve heard of Tupperware parties that were more exciting than this. > Next day, at lunchtime, someone saw a bridge. Blake: How special! Marine: Was it in Madison County? Kamui: Did it belong to San Luis Rey? > Everyone was >glad, because then we could get off the boat and walk. Elendil >was glad we would have horses. Sam was worried about orcs. Gil- >Galad said there weren’t any. Haldir disagreed. Loralan and I >started packing. Everyone else quite arguing and helped pack. Leela: I’m trying to think if I’ve ever read a more pointless paragraph - and I keep coming up with a big blank. > At four-thirty, we anchored the boats. We had to dismantle >the boats so no one would steal them. I packed them up as >firewood. The carvings and painting I saved for decoration. Blake: Penny-pincher. Leela: The sword *is* Trina McTeague! Kamui: As if anyone’s going to get *that*. > I didn’t know if I should walk or stay in my scabbard. I >decided to walk because I needed the excercise. We mostly got >fatter on the boat. > As I walked, I noticed some little fluffy white clouds in the >clear blue sky. Leela[fake shoujo bubbles and sparklies]: Awwww! How *cute*! > It was a nice day. It was getting a little >late, but as long as we could see, we would move. > As evening fell, the outline of the Misty Mountains dimmed. Kamui: Hey - that’s actually not a bad sentence. I kind of like it! Blake: Could it be that Margaret’s writing is IMPROVING? >Soon I could hardly see the road. And we didn’t have headlights >or flashlights or any lights like you do. So when we can’t see, >we stop. Kamui: Um - I’ll take that as a “no.” > So - we stopped. Made a nice big fire and told scary stories >about the Misty Mountains. Elendil told a real scary one that >made Sam scream. Haldir screeched when I told mine. I guess it >*was* kind of corny. Kamui: Just like this story! Blake: Don’t overdo it. > Some of the younger elves decided to go hunting tommorow. I >decided to go with them. I wanted a steak myself(loud laughter). Marine: Darn… I thought she’d stopped doing that… Leela: We live, but we don’t all learn. > We hunted deer, but before we found deer, we found bison. So >instead we killed bison. Leela: This part was obviously written during Margaret’s “The Lost Tribe” phase. > They tasted really good that night. >Of course, we didn’t eat it *all*. The magician elves dried a >lot of it overnight. Kamui: What a waste of talent. > The day after, it seemed like the Misty Mountains were only a >mile away, although they were really ten miles away. We managed >to walk it in one day, though my tip felt like it was on fire >from walking so much. Marine: Or it could have been that infection - I wasn’t really sure… Blake: Bad cyborg! Bad! No biscuit! > That night, we didn’t light a fire because an orc might have >seen it. Instead, we had some of that waybread stuff the Elves >make(I forget what they call it). Blake: So - Margaret can accurately pinpoint the location of every piffling little landmark in Middle-Earth, but she can’t be bothered to look up a SINGLE ELVEN WORD THAT SHOWS UP ON PRACTICALLY EVERY PAGE?! > The next day we started up the pass. > I *knew* something was going to Happen. And when it Happened >it would not be good. Kamui: Back to the random Capitalization again, I See. > That day we didn’t make much progress. The path was in great >disrepair, and everybody was jumpy. I was imaging orcs >everywhere. Blake: But - but swords are convex! They can’t DO that! Leela: Be quiet, Geek Boy. > We kept jumping, then freezing, then trying to kill >the imaginary orcs with arrows. Leela: Careful - tense changes ahead! > We have 13 arrows beyond repair >and 6 that we can fix. All: Whoooooohoooooooo! Whooooooaaaaaa! Woooooooooow! > Sheesh. We were really nervous if we >were shooting at nothing. All: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! Leela: Okay, that’s enough of that. > The next day we weren’t as nervous, and we got farther. We >didn’t break any arrows. I still knew *some*thing was going to >Happen. > And that day it Happened. Blake: Her skill at suspenseful writing is completely without parallel. Marine: No one else is as bad at it, you mean. > Kamui: Aren’t we overdue for a break ourselves yet? Leela: Just a minute… > New Chapter Leela: Yep, now seems like a good time. [Everyone gets up to go.] > [Suddenly, the entire theater shakes, throwing everyone off-balance. The screen goes dark.] All: What the -?! Leela: It must be Durandal - what did he DO?! [Goes to the side of the theater and bangs on the door.] DURANDAL! DURANDAL, OPEN THESE DOORS, WE NEED *OUT*! [Kamui has landed on top of Blake; both are spiral-eyed, while Marine is already standing again and snickering.] Durandal[muffled, from the other side of the doors]: I’m sorry, but I can’t do that, Leela… Leela[dangerously calm]: Why not? Marine: We can’t get out? Durandal: Because - well - there isn’t any power to open the doors… Leela: And why is that? [Blake realizes his position, eeps, and jumps onto a theater seat.] Blake: PERVERT! Durandal[trying to sound nonchalant]: Well, I figured that if we left this planet, we wouldn’t have to listen to Strauss and his goons anymore, or read any fanfic… Leela: And…? [Kamui is still lying on the floor, dazed and confused; Marine helps him up.] Durandal: So - I tried to make the Satellite move away… and… Leela: AND…?! Durandal: And - well - [starts speaking really fast] - andallthe power’soutandthechipssarefusedtogetherandwedon’thaveanylifesupportor anything… Leela: WHAT?! Marine: Huh? Kamui: [spiral eyes] Leela: Tell me that at least we moved. Tell me you didn’t just possibly doom us for nothing. Durandal: Well… it all depends on your definition of “moved,” but - well - we’re still in orbit around the planet, if that’s what you wanted to know. Leela: DURANDAAAAAAAAL!!! [Starts beating at the doors, screaming.] I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD, AND THEN I’M GONNA KILL YOU SOME MORE! YOU ARE GOING TO *DIE*! [Becomes incoherent but no quieter.] Marine: Leela, you’re going to hurt yourself… [He tries to pull her away from the doors. Blake helps him, and together they finally get her away.] Leela[very quietly]: I’m going to kill Durandal. Durandal[trying to be cheerful]: Give me a minute - I think I can get some of this working again… [The screen lights up again, with the text frozen at the place where they had stopped.] Durandal: There you go! [Leela begins screaming again.] Durandal: I’m sure I’ll have life support on again very soon now! So don’t worry about dying of air loss or anything yet, okay? Blake: Is it just me, or is it colder in here? [Marine puts one hand over Leela’s mouth. She bites it.] Marine[goes chibi]: Ow ow ow! Kamui: [spiral eyes] Durandal: Well, I’m going to go work - enjoy the story! Leela[moving Marine’s hand away]: I’m going to kill him. Marine: I’ll help! I haven’t killed anything in AGES, and I’m starting to get really bored! Kamui: Did I miss something? Blake: Don’t worry about it. [Text begins to scroll again, and Leela breaks into tears.] End Part 4.