[Hatch… Borg Door… Holey Door… Drawbridge… Portal… Cafeteria Doors… Dogbone…] [Bridge of the SoL. Everyone but Leela is present.] Kamui: I had an idea. Do you guys particularly want to stay up here? Durandal: Of COURSE not! Blake: With THAT to go back to? Marine: No way! Kamui: I just felt I ought to ask. Because I thought, well, if I called up the other Seals, maybe they could get us down. [Moment of dead silence.] Durandal: Why didn’t you say so before? Call them! Call them! [He pulls out a huge push-button telephone with a wire running to the Hexfield from beneath the desk and hands it to Kamui. Kamui begins punching in the number.] Kamui[slow mutter]: 1… 800… SAVE… EARTH… There. [The phone beeps twice, and then the Hexfield un-irises to reveal: The Secretary With A Crossbow, which is prominently displayed on her desk.] TSWAC: Hello, this is The Secretary With A Crossbow speaking. Be warned that if you have an illogical, illegal, or just plain stupid request, you will receive a crossbow bolt through your miniscule brain. How may I help you? [Kamui is visibly taken aback.] Kamui: Um… er… looks like they’ve stepped up the security procedures again. Um… could you just connect me with Sora, please? Tell him it’s Kamui Shirou. TSWAC: One moment please. [She taps on her keyboard for a minute, frowns at her screen, taps some more, and frowns again.] TSWAC: I’m sorry, there’s no one of that name here. Kamui: Er… well, it is a nickname… [Marine sniggers for no apparent reason.] Kamui: Perhaps you could try Sorata Arisugawa? [TSWAC repeats her previous procedure.] TSWAC: I’m sorry, but there’s nobody named Sorata here. Kamui[getting desperate]: Yuzuriha Nekoi? Seiichiro Aoki? Karen Kasumi? Subaru Sumeragi? TSWAC: Look, young man, what are you trying to pull? We’re an Equal Opportunity employer, but there aren’t that many Japanese who want to join this chapter of Greenpeace! Kamui: Green… peace? [Everybody else has a sudden “coughing” fit.] TSWAC: Yes, Greenpeace! Who did you think you were calling, Exxon? Good-bye! [The Hexfield closes.] Kamui[weakly]: Green… peace? [Open laughter now.] Durandal: I have GOT to tell Leela this one! [Fanfic sign interrupts.] Kamui: I don’t get it… [Dogbone… Cafeteria Doors… Portal… Drawbridge… Holey Door… Borg Door… Hatch…] Marine[still laughing]: You are NEVER gonna live this one down, Wing Kid. [A theater seat magically levitates - and falls on the Marine’s head.] Kamui: Wanna bet? Marine: On second thought… [Text resumes scrolling.] > Then I saw Sam at the edge of the clearing Kamui: It’s all YOUR fault, Durandal. You wanted to know where Sam was? Well, here he is! Happy now? Durandal: Actually, no. > (Hobbits can >walk *very* silently). He was obviously highly surprised to see [Everyone looks at Durandal suspiciously.] Durandal: What? I said it wasn’t worth the bother! Blake: Just checking. >Dagorlad looking lovely, and even more so to see me and the two >graves, which were positively beautiful at this time of year. Blake: Which could be any time of year, really. It doesn’t matter. Reason is obviously extinct here. > Anyhow, I invited him to stay for a while and talk because >by then I was terribly lonely. Durandal: She really, REALLY doesn’t know anything about swords, does she? Marine: Well, how would YOU know whether she’s wrong? Durandal: Other than the obvious one, that nothing she does is right? I WAS a sword, dimwit. “‘Ah, Durandal, fair, hallowed, and devote, / What store of relics lies in thy hilt of gold!’” Marine: Oh. I thought that was a symbolic association or something like that. [Durandal gives him an odd look.] > So we sat down between the >graves(which is the best spot to sit) and Sam began telling me >about their trip after Rivendell. > He was describing Nimrodel(a beautiful stream near Lorien) Kamui: Look! She spelled two names right in a row! Blake: I think we’re all very proud of Margaret about now. Marine: Not really. >when I looked up and saw a pair of blue eyes! I immiedatly >chased after them Durandal: Bit of a womanizer, eh? Marine: I can’t think why you’d be surprised. > but they were too fast. > When Sam was telling about him and Frodo leaving the >company, I noticed the eyes again. This time both Sam and I gave >chase, but still no luck. > “Well, third time paays for all” I thought. Blake[Las Vegas person]: Thaat’s right, ladies and gents, third time paays for all! So step right up, everyone, and plaace your bets! > But now I was >getting suspicous. Elendil had blue eyes, I remembered, Kamui: Dearie, LOTS of people have blue eyes. Even in Ancient China. Marine: Huh? Kamui: Nakago. Marine: Oh. > and he >could move quickly and quitly. I began to make a plan. > The next time the eyes appeared, I was ready. I jumped up Blake[singing]: Jumpin’ Jack Flash, it’s a gas gas gas… Durandal: And you call ME strange. >and called after them, “Elendil, Elendil!” > The eyes stopped, turned around and looked at me in surprise. >I suppose he didn’t think I would recognize him especially since >I thought he was dead. Marine: You know, that *would* be a good reason not to recognize someone… if they’re, you know, dead and all… > However, he hesitated only a moment. Then he ran toward me, >calling “Narsil, is it really you?!” I called back “Yes, Yes!” Kamui: This should be a sweet, touching moment… one requiring an abundance of tissues… >We were both excited because it had been a long, *long* time >since we had last been together. Kamui: … but - somehow… all I want is a barf bag. > “I missed you alot” said Elendil. Gil-Galad said so, too. Blake: Hey! Where’d he come from? >It was a joyful reunion. Sam and I supplied news, while Elendil >and Gil-Galad exclaimed at almost *everything*. Marine: So - being dead turned the two of them into teenage girls? Durandal: Looks like it. > We had a *great* >time. Then Elendil had the idea of visiting Aragorn. Durandal: Wait just one second! Don’t we get an *explanation* or anything? WHY are Elendil and Gil-Galad alive? You have to TELL us these things, baka! We can’t read your mind! Kamui: It’s only a fanfic… it’s only a fanfic… Blake: I’m starting not to believe that anymore. > Everyone >thought it was a pleasant idea, so we headed off for Minas Anor.* Marine: Oh God. Durandal: Not a footnote… >*At first it was called Minas Anor, which means tower of the Setting Sund, Kamui: The Setting WHAT? Blake: I think it’s a kind of stool. You know, like part of a Barcalounger or something. >Then it was called Minas Tirith, which means Tower of the Guard, but now >it’s Minas Anor again. Marine: And I care - why? > We skipped the Dead Marshes and headed for the Anduin. Durandal: I don’t think you can do that, actually. > It >took us a day to get there, and nothing happened. Kamui: Then HOW IS IT DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF THE STORY?! > Then we >disquised everyone(including Sam) in dark, travel-stained cloaks >made of broadcloth. Blake: I get the feeling that Margaret knows all the words and phrases necessary to write a sword-and-sorcery fanfic - she’s just missing the ideas BEHIND them. > At the Anduin, we found absolute hell! There were mosquitos >and knee-deep mud. Torture! Durandal[VERY over-dramatically]: The High Court may well sentence you to TOHTCHA! Kamui: They *should*. > We struggled through and found a >boat. Yes! It was old and weatherbeaten, but made of sturdy Marine: - titanium-tin alloy. That stuff is GREAT! Man, it lasts forever, and it’s really light! Cheap, too… >oak. Marine: Oh, what do you want to build a boat out of *that* for? > After boarding, we had an adventure getting across. Elendil >was steering because he was from Nume(a?)nor. Blake: Come on! We’re on page 18, you’ve had TIME to look it up! > The current swept >us down river a bit, but we made it to the other bank. After >that it was a short walk to Minas Anor(which means Tower of the >Setting Sun). Marine: Didn’t she just *tell* us that? Kamui: Don’t think. It’s easier that way. > We were lucky we drifted downstream. Otherwise we >would have landed in Osgiliath. Durandal: Which would have mattered - how? > The other bank was more bearable. There were no mosquitoes >or mud, just flies and firm ground. What a relief! Ten minutes >walking upstream took us to the gates of Minas Anor(we skipped >Osgiliath). Blake: Now *I* want a map of Middle-Earth - just to see how wrong she’s getting her geography… > The guards let us through the first gate. We followed the >long, winding road paved with white, gray, and pink cobblestones. Durandal: I prefer blue, yellow and *grey* ones myself… but that’s just me. >There are seven gates Kamui: Seven? Marine: Yeah, seven… number that comes between six and eight… prime… square it and get forty-nine… what’s the big deal? Kamui: Bad associations - seven Seals, seven Angels, stuff like that… Marine: Oh, grow out of it already. 1999 is long gone. > in Minas Anor, and we had no trouble >getting through the first six gates, but at the seventh we had >some trouble. The seventh one leads to the King’s palace and Blake: - private hot-spring resort! Not to mention his private harem, his private theme park, his private restaurant… Kamui: Dream on. >gardens. The guards wanted our names, so Sam called himself >Andy, Elendil chose Theodrin, and Gil-Galad said Sandy, which is >close to the truth because he has sandy-colored hair. Kamui: Look, would it save time if I just gave up and went mad now? Durandal: Quite possibly. > How we slipped past the guards at the door, I don’t remember. All: How conveeenient. >But they never saw us. Sam whispered to us the hall looked more >cheerful then it had before. I, who had never been here before, >couldn’t give an opinion. Neither could Elendil or Gil-Galad. > The walls were made of wood with gold and silver inlays. [Durandal’s eyes get VERY big.] Blake: Uh-oh. Durandal[greedily]: Oooh… oooh-la-la…! The riches of Númenor! Gimme gimme gimme! Kamui: Oh dear. > The >roof was made of marble, and the floor was, too. Stone statues >commemorating Kamui: Look! She spelled “commemorating” right! > people lined the path to the throne. Blake[listlessly]: It doesn’t matter who the statues were carved in honor of. They could be of anybody. They could be statues of Arthur Dent for all anybody cares. Kamui[to Marine]: I think we’re losing him. > Black marble >pillars held up the roof. The thone was made of gold, Durandal: Whatever a thone is, I want it! Gold… oooh… I LOVE gold… > with many >beautiful designs worked onto the back. Velvet cushions made it >comfortable. The main design was a flowering tree, with jewels >for flowers and ivory branches and jade leaves. Expensive! Durandal: GIVE IT TO ME! JUST SURRENDER IT ALL NOW! Marine: Chill out, Mister Inverse. > Sam approached the throne and said courteously, “King Aragorn >and Queen Evenstar?” Aragorn said, “Hello, Sam. Pleasant to see >you.” There was a warm tone of affection in his voice. Blake: I’m telling you, she KNOWS the words and phrases, she just doesn’t know what they MEAN. Marine: We heard you the first time, all right? > Then he >asked “Who are these people?” by which he meant Gil-Galad and >Elendil. Kamui: Oh, I thought he meant those OTHER people who’ve been tagging along without proper introductions. > “This” began Sam, “Is Theodrin, and this is Sandy.” >“Nice to meet you” said Aragorn. His tone was still friendly. Blake: Obviously, poor Aragorn doesn’t know who he’s dealing with here… > I was getting sort of impatient. I wanted to say hi to >Aragorn, and talk to Arwen. I also wanted to introduce Elendil >and Gil-Galad. Durandal: Wait - didn’t they just GET introduced? > I wanted to explore Minas Anor and sit in the >shade of the White Tree to meditate and think. Kamui: That’s a new one. Even MY sword doesn’t do that. Marine: Do what? Kamui: Think. Marine: Uh… it doesn’t sit? Kamui: NO, you idiot, I meant - oh, never mind. Durandal: With him, it’s better not to bother. > The White Tree is >descended from Telpirion, the eldest of the Two Trees of the >Valar*. LaurelinÝ Blake: Oh God! Not TWO footnotes! What did I do to deserve TWO footnotes? Durandal: Maybe you didn’t read enough Terry Pratchett books. > left no descendants except the mallorn trees. >* for a lot of information, read The Silmarillion, but Telpirion, the >Silver tree, did leave some desendants(the White Tree), but Laurelin, the >Golden tree, left none. >Ý Though some say the Mallorn trees are descendandts. [Pause, then:] Durandal: Well, THAT was completely pointless. >The White tree doesn’t shine, but the flowers and leaves are very >bright. Blake: Well, about as bright as plants get… they only have so many I.Q. points, ya know. > Aragorn seemed satisfied with Sam’s explanation, though he >looked at my scabbard once, probably because it looked like the >one he had used with me(which it was). Kamui: Why the heck is the sword still carrying around a scabbard? Marine: I’ve been meaning to ask this for a while, so please tell me - what’s a scabbard? [They all facefault.] Durandal: Just keep your mouth shut, all right? It makes you SEEM smarter. > Anyhow, servants showed us rooms, and lovely rooms they were, >too. Canopy beds with canopies of silk and cotton sheets served >us to sleep, with posts, chairs, and tables made of mahogany. >Gold hangings were decorations, Durandal: Oooh, gold… Marine: Just shut up about gold, all right? Fat lot of good it’s going to do us up here, anyway. Durandal: You’re missing the entire point of having a lot of money, Gun Man. > and carved animals and other >little knickknacks made the room homey. > We slept well that night. We had a sumptious breakfast Blake: Eww, they had sumpter mules for breakfast? Those things taste *nasty*! > in >our rooms before being ushered the the presence of the King and >Queen. > Sam seemed nervous all morning, and I couldn’t understand it. >Maybe it was because he lied. Marine: And maybe[switch to super-annoying voice] - it’s a secret! Durandal: GAAAH! Don’t you watch ANYTHING subtitled? Marine: Sure, I love subbed. I just like freaking you out, too. > Sam got more and more nervous until I whispered to enjoy the >palace while we could, and talk to Aragorn because he was giving >us weird glances. This helped some but not enough. By lunchtime >he had a very quizzical look on his face, which looked a whole >lot like the quizzical look Sauron had when I stabbed him in the >war. Durandal: Well, THAT’s a nice thing to say. Blake: Okay, who here actually remembers that scene in the beginning? Other than our omniscient, smart-aleck computer here? [All hands stay down.] Blake: That’s pretty much what I thought. > Apparently Sam couldn’t hold it any longer, because after >lunch he told Aragorn the whole thing. I don’t think Aragorn >could have looked more surprised had Sauron come back. Marine: I wish he would. This Sauron dude is my favorite character so far! Kamui: Yeah, at least he had the brains to get out while he could. > We talked a long, long time. For supper we had roast turkey >and salad, and I had olive oil, but none of us was very hungry. >Except me(I do eat sometimes). Durandal: I give UP. She doesn’t know ANYTHING about swords, not one solitary thing, and I really don’t care about it anymore. She can just figure out her OWN errors. > I fell asleep immiediatly. Never has been a sleepier sword! >I had a pleasant dream of eating olive oil all day and then >fighting a coupla thousand orcs. Blake: I can’t stand this - one minute she’s using Tolkien’s stilted, fancy prose, the next she’s dropped into modern slang contractions - when will this end, God, WHEN WILL THIS END?! Kamui: Calm down - it may not be “only a fanfic,” but we’ll survive. One way or the other. > The next day I had an awful centre-ache from having too much >olive oil. After a while I was better, but Elendil said it would >be better if I just relaxed under the White Tree. So I did just >that. > After lunch, which was ham sandwiches for the people and >orange juice Durandal: One hundred percent pure Tropicana Florida Orange Juice - does everything but stop you from writing fanfiction. > for me, I began my trip to the rest of Minas Anor. > I had some beer at a nearby inn, which caused great >excitement for everybody else there. Blake[townsperson]: Oh my God! What IS that thing? Kamui[townsperson]: AAAH! AAAH! IT’S AN EVIL DEMON FROM THE NEGAVERSE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Marine[townsperson]: Whatever it is, it sure can drink… > Then I explored the rest of >the city. It struck me as a pretty nice place, though I was >constantly watched by groups of people for whom I was a great >curiosity. Durandal[townsperson]: Eww, a walking sword… Somebody step on it, quick! > I returned to the palace in time for supper. I had beer >again, and everybody else had steak and mashed potatoes. Blake: Okay… she really has no idea what people in sword-and-sorcery stories eat, does she? Kamui: Why are you surprised? > Gil- >Galad, Elendil, and Sam loved it, but Aragorn said the mashed >potatoes were sour and the steaks raw. But we all knew he was >lieing through his teeth. Blake: That doesn’t sound very comfortable. > After we went to our rooms, I called everybody(Sam, Gil- >Galad, and Elendil) and told them, “Tommorow we are leaving, >because I do want to get to Rivendell and stay there for a while >before we leave for the port and leave for Eressea.” There was a >nervous silence. Gil-Galad was twisting a favorite ring, Elendil >galloped a carved horse around randomly, and Sam was biting his >nails. Blake[mother voice]: I thought I told you not to do that anymore! Kamui[whiny voice]: But Mom, the talking sword’s making me nervous! Blake: I don’t care! Kamui: But Mom, it says we have to leave tomorrow! Blake: Go to your room right now, young man! I don’t want to see you bite your nails ever again! Marine: Now that was a long and pointless sketch. Kamui: Yeah, and nobody asked you. > Elendil was the first to speak up(we were surprised because >we all thought Sam was, including Sam). Marine: Whatever the heck THAT means. > “I think Narsil is >right,” said Elendil. “We *do* want to visit Rivendell, >espeically you, Gil-Galad. It is May, and if we leave tomorrow >we can make it to the prt by June.” Durandal: Sounds like a long way to go for just a party. > “I think that’s a pretty good plan”. >Said Gil-Galad. We all agreed with him. It sounded like a >fairly good plan. Blake: In order to break the chain of redundancy, I hereby declare the following: that plan SUCKS! > We all went to bed because now it was ten o’clock and we >needed all the sleep we could get. I dreamed of beer Marine: Doesn’t everyone? > and sailing >to Eressea, near Valinor(where the Valar live). Pretty pleasant, >actually. Marine: Well, the “beer” part anyway… Durandal: For some reason, I have this impression that Margaret knows exactly ZILCH about beer and its effects. > I woke up at four in the morning, and woke everyone else, >too. They grumbled alot, but when I said in a severe voice, “If >you want to say a whole lot of words, go on, but I’m going to >pack food, drink, and stuff like that and be out by five >o’clock.” they stopped. Durandal: Oh great - not only is the sword dumb, he’s a morning person! Blake: You don’t get much lower than that. > At five o’clock we walked out the hall door, through the >seven gates, Kamui: Seven? Marine: Didn’t you hear me the first time? It’s not 1999 anymore. Get over it. > and out of Minas Anor. > We walked for two hours before resting at a small grove of >trees(rowans, as it happened). [A group snort.] Durandal[snotty]: Rowans, indeed. Blake[ditto]: If she knows what a rowan looks like, I will cheerfully spend the rest of my life as a hermit back on the nuked remains of Tau Ceti. Marine: What’s a rowan? Durandal: A kind of pickle. > We were right under Mount >Mindoullin. Elendil sighed as he sat down, “If the whole journey >goes like this, it’ll be a wonder I have any feet left.” >“Absoloutly right,” chimed in Sam and Gil-Galad. Kamui: What a bunch of louts. > We hadn’t had any breakfast, so now we did. I had some water >and everyone else had some dried fruit. So far we had traveled >over smooth, grassy plains, but it looked sort of rocky ahead. I >hoped we could all make it to the port by June. Kamui: Do you think she’s trying a little foreshadowing here? Blake: Well, she might be *trying*… > Sam decided we need a scout, and I was chosen. I was told to >come back and give a detailed report once an hour. Durandal[incredibly sarcastic]: Oh yes, a “detailed report”… EXACTLY what I wanted in this story! No fanfic is complete without at least one “detailed report”! Marine[brightly]: And once an hour, too! How much better does life get? > It seemed a >pretty good deal, so I accepted. > This is my first report: “Weather conditions are clear. >There are many small rocks ahead for about three miles ahead, but >it clears after.” Marine[brightly]: There! That wasn’t so bad, was it? Durandal: Shut up. > Everybody said it was a good report and put their shoes back >on. Then I scouted ahead again. I heard voices, Blake: - and they told me to kill… kill… KILL! KILL EVERYBODY! KILL EVERYBODY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! Kamui: I think *you’re* starting to hear voices, pal. > so I ducked >down and crawled in the direction of the voices. Marine[quiet, spooky little serial killer impression]: Do you hear the voices? > I saw a party of orcs. Aghh! I had to warn every one. Orcs >would kill us instantly. Durandal[praying]: Please, please, *pleeeaaase…* > I dashed back at full speed to where Elendil, Gil-Galad, and >Sam were picking there way Blake: I already did the “there wolf” joke, didn’t I? Kamui: I think so… but it was a long time and a lot of pain ago. > over the rocks. “There’s a whole >bunch of orcs ahead, we’ve got to ambush them!” I informed them >breathlessly. Marine: Breathlessly? Do swords - Durandal: No, but Margaret obviously doesn’t know that. > They entirely agreed with me. Elendil even declared, “You’re >a good leader, Narsil. We have faith in you.” I gulped. I had >better lead them well. > I carefully arranged them in a circle around the orcs. I >gave the signal and we attacked. Durandal: I’m sure that Margaret spent a lot of time on this scene… carefully plotting out the group’s movements… calculating the exact words necessary to convey Elendil’s complete trust… but I still wonder - Kamui: - why the heck is a sword leading, as opposed to two actual GENERALS? Is she out of her MIND? Durandal: Exactly. > I slashed like maniac, Blake: Maniac McGhee! Ah, alas for that simple tale about childhood and the overcoming of prejudice! >remembering that long-ago battle at Dagorlad. I killed every orc >I saw. Kamui: Yeah, saws are pretty deadly that way… > When we finally stopped fighting, not an orc was left! Marine[heavy sarcasm]: Well, of COURSE not, not with the all-powerful GOOD GUYS around! Durandal: I just want to make it clear right now that in the original _Lord of the Rings_, the good guys did NOT always win without losses. Kamui: I always like it when that happens, though… Marine: That’s because it didn’t happen to you, ya poor CLAMP sap. >Neither had any escaped, reported Elendil. Sam was amazed at >that, but us “old timers” weren’t. It had happened before to us. Blake[heavy sarcasm]: That’s right, folks, Sam’s NEVER faced ANY danger before in his WHOLE LIFE, much less any ORCS! Kamui: Let’s tone it down a little - I think our pain is starting to show through a little too heavily. Blake: That’s only because there’s such a lot of it. > I began scouting again, and the rest of the day passed >uneventfully. We passed a whole lot of small forests like the >one we ambushed the orcs in. We camped in a large, hollow oak in >one of them. Durandal: That’s one heck of a big oak. > Sam lit a small fire and we cooked some beef jerky. Marine: I thought the point of jerky was that you didn’t HAVE to cook it. >I had some fruit juice and a tiny piece of jerky. > We slept on old wood chips. It was pretty comfortable. When >we woke up, everyone but me was sore from walking so much >yesterday. I had some more fruit juice and everyone else had >some hazelnuts. Blake: Is it just me, or is everybody in this story on an anorexic diet? > Elendil decided to play scout today. Marine[as Elendil]: Moon - Prism - MAKE-UP! Kamui: I'm not even going to begin to tell you how wrong that is. > His report went like >this: “Weather conditions slightly cloudy. Small scattered >forests ahead, ground smooth and grassy. Large forest and the >shadow of Dwimorberg 4 miles ahead. Ignore the Pukel-men.” Marine: The WHAT? Durandal: The Pukel-men. Marine: Something about that just doesn’t sound right… for some reason, I keep thinking about toilet bowls and small yellow annoying creatures. Durandal: Trust me, Elendil does NOT mean either of those. > When he said, “Ignore the Pukel-men,” we all erupted with >laughter. It just seemed funny. Kamui: All right, who packed the laughing gas? > Needless to say, we did *not* >ignore the Pukel-men. They seemed lonely and sad. Durandal[dramatic quoting voice]: They seemed as lonely as the single birch that stands among the ruins and devastation of a blood-drenched battlefield, as sad as - Blake: I *like* Robert Jordan, thank you very much. > Elendil’s second report was different. It went like this: Marine[as Elendil, drunk]: There’sh theshe really *hiccup* cute pink thingiesh jusht aho- ahick- you know, in fron’ of ush. >“The forest looks scary. Keep your weapons at the ready.” He >sounded really serious. > We all took him at his word, and got our weapons ready. (I >didn’t need one, being a sword). We were all frightened. Kamui: Things to be afraid of: clowns, big swords in other peoples’ hands, cute lumpy thingies, boy bands, guns, pocket monsters. Things not to be afraid of: Destiny Prognostication Engines, bungee jumping, sky diving, forests. > When we got there(after a long trip), I was overjoyed to find Blake: - indoor plumbing AND an electric hookup. >it was Fangorn, which is a nice forest. I reassured my friends >it was alright, and to put their weapons up. It took awhile to >do this, but I managed it in the end. > We traveled through Fangorn as fast as we could. It’s not a >very pleasant place to be. I like it, though. Kamui[singing]: One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn’t belong… > We rested at a hollow oak. We weren’t hungry after such a >long hike. I had some water, Sam had grape juice, and Gil-Galad >shared some wine with Elendil, because we were all thirsty. Blake: And we needed to know this - why? > We left quickly, because we felt enmity surrounding us. Durandal: Oh, don’t worry about that. That’s just us, up here, thinking of various painful things that the human body can experience and how to inflict them on a certain author… >Believe me, it’s not a pleasant expeirience. Marine[chanting]: I before E, except after C - Kamui: - and a million other little “exceptions” which make the English language a real pain in the wings to learn… Marine: What are you complaining for? You get to know English automatically, from having been translated. Kamui: How’d you know *that*? Marine[smugly]: Oh, I have my little ways. Durandal: He means the author told him, and of course the author is omniscient. Marine: Spoilsport. > I hope I don’t have >to travel through Fangorn again. I don’t like Fangorn very much. Blake: But - didn’t the sword just SAY that it liked Fangorn? Kamui: You said it yourself - reason is long since extinct here. >It’s not fun at all. It started me thinking about an old Elvish >rhyme: Blake: Oh God. Let me guess - “Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky -” >Three Rings for the Elven-Kings >Under the Sky, Blake[reciting]: “-Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone -” Durandal: Uh, Blake… >Seven for the Dwarf-lords >In their halls of stone, Blake[reciting]: “- Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die -” Marine: Look here, Bob… >Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, Blake[reciting]: “- One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne -” Kamui: Um, excuse me… >One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne Blake[still reciting]: “- In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie -” Others: Now, see here… >In the land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. Blake[still reciting]: “- One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them –” Others: Look, you don’t have to - >One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, Blake[reciting]: “- One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them -” Others: Blake, just shut - >One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them, Blake[triumphantly reciting]: “- In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.” Ha! I still remember it all! Durandal: Drop dead. >In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie. Blake: Hey, it needed to be done. Kamui[muttering]: That’s what *you* think, anyway. > I don’t like it much, and right now it gave me shivers. I >told Elendil if we didn’t get out of this forest soon, I was >going to go crazy. I guess it could drive anyone mad. Durandal: Well, it sure isn’t helping *us* any. > At noon we stumbled onto Isengard. The only remainder of the >old Isengard was Orthanc*. Marine: Orthanc the Motion Picture - coming to a star near you! > Treebeard(an Ent) came to greet us, Blake[as Treebeard]: I hate to be hasty, my friends, but GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE, YOU LOUSY NO-GOOD WRITER! WHADDAYA MEAN BY DRAGGING ME INTO THIS?! Kamui: Come on, Blake, calm down - here’s your Prozac… [Blake takes pills and swallows.] Kamui: Feel better now? Blake: Well, kinda… >and boy was I glad to see him, after two hours of Huorns. In >fact, I jumped up and yelled “hurray!”, I was so glad. Marine: It’s over? It’s actually OVER? Durandal: Nah, the sword just found something to be happy about. Marine: What, again? >* Orthanc is a large black tower that was built with magic. It was >occupied by Saruman for quite awhile. Kamui: That’s a very nice while you’ve got there, Saruman-san. Blake: I think you’re supposed to use that riff for something else - but what the heck, it works. > None of us were hungry, but we were all thirsty, and we >accepted Treebeard’s offer of some Entwater, because we didn’t >want to waste any of our supplies. Durandal[sarcastic]: Yeah, considering how MUCH they eat… gee, you’d think they were a bunch of female anime characters! Marine: Please - I’m begging you - don’t drag poor Lina or Usagi in here! Kamui: Yeah, don’t compound the evil with a crossover. > The Entwater made me feel alive and fresh. I felt like I was >growing bigger and stronger by the second. It tasted great. > We bade farewell to Treebeard, and set off. I did not enjoy >leaving Isengard, which was pretty nice. I had enjoyed my stay >there. Blake: Yes, all three minutes of it. > After we left, we no longer felt the enmity. Blake: Well, maybe not from Fangorn - but *we* still hate you. > It wasn’t >exactly friendly, but it was not hostile, either. Quite a >change. Durandal: Look out, everybody, rapid tense changes ahead! > I lead them through the shortest route out of the forest. All[roller coaster riders]: Whoa! Wheeeee!! Woohoo! > I >hoped it was safe. Just in case, Everybody had their weapons >out. All[ditto]: Wow! Woooooohooooooo!! Durandal: Okay, guys, that’s it for now. Blake: Thanks for warning us. Otherwise, we couldn’t have gotten our sick pleasure out of it in quite the same way. > We did not encounter any danger, to our great relief. We >reached the edge of Fangorn at eventide. Everyone was relieved, Durandal: Stop tempting me, o wanton user of unintentional double entendrés! Kamui: Yes! Please stop tempting him! >but I was particularly so. > We traveled through the plains of Rohan, or the Mark, without >seeing anyone but some horses, two bay, three roan, and one >white. The white one was the only stallion, and the others were >his herd of mares. Blake: Quick, Durandal, write that down! I think we’re gonna be quizzed on this later. > We ignored them, and moved on. > Elendil sighed and expressed our feelings. All[pause, then]: Nah, *way* too easy. > “This is getting >boring. We never have any adventures anymore.” This was true. Durandal: In the author’s deluded mind, anyway. Kamui: But - but why do you *want* adventures? Don’t you guys remember how miserable your *last* ones were? >We all felt the same way. Only Sam was comfortable. Hobbits >don’t like adventures at all; they aren’t built for them, not >even Sam. Blake: Yeah, that extra twenty or forty pounds and the lack of shoes do tend to put a cramp in one’s adventuresome spirit… > My little group began having adventures again when we got to >Emyn Muil, a whole lot of stony hills with practically no grass. >It was midnight now, and we slept in a small cave Elendil found >while scouting. We were falling asleep on our feet by then. Marine: Well, we’re sitting down, but other than that it’s pretty darn accurate! > We woke up with aching backs from sleeping on the cave floor. >Sam had bacon, but the rest of us had orange juice and scones. Blake[snotty voice]: Scones. Really. Don’t you know how exceedingly *unfashionable* it is to have scones while adventuring? And with orange juice, no less! Tsk, tsk! Marine: That’s scary. >Well, I didn’t have any scones, but I did have some orange juice, >though. Durandal[as Lina]: Talk about stock dialogue… > I led them out of Emyn Muil, and nothing else happened, Kamui: So - basically, it was just like the rest of the story. Durandal: Yeah, pretty much. >unless you count Elendil falling off a cliff Marine: Yes! Death! Destruction! All RIGHT! > and nearly breaking >his back, Marine: Awww… > and… > But I won’t tell you anymore. All: Yay! Woohoo! Blake: Perhaps even “Yippe!” > Elendil, Gil-Galad, and Sam Durandal: But - but - but didn’t it say it wouldn’t TELL us any more? No - logic - does not - compute… Marine[quoting]: Logic is a pretty flower that smells *bad*… > collapsed on the green lawns of >Parth Galen. Even I wanted to get to Lorien fast. Lorien’s a Marine: - really *great* little Italian restaurant, right next to the beach where the Peacekeeper babes swim naked… >great place, and I wanted to see Galadriel again. Galadriel is >so beautiful, she can make any man crazy. Kamui[as sword]: Of course, since I’m a *sword*, I didn’t know that until someone *told* me. > After a quick lunch, Blake: I’ll just bet it was. > Elendil and Gil-Galad began making a >*boat*. [All make fake gasps of dismay.] Durandal[dramatically]: Say it ain’t so! > That’s right, a boat. You have to have a boat to go up the >Anduin. It has to be strong, too. That’s why Elendil and Gil- >Galad were making it. They’re expert boat-builders. Marine: They slice! They dice! They make french fries! And we’ll even include this handy boat-building attachment - for *free*! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to - Durandal: Cut it out already. You do that a little too well. > At five-eleven, Blake[sarcastically]: But I’m sure they weren’t *counting*… > the boat was done. Sam dubbed her the >“Lorien”, which I thought was a good name, considering that’s >where we were heading. We clambered aboard and Elendil and Gil- >Galad rowed with powerful strokes. [All stare blankly at screen.] Kamui: I do *not* need that mental image… Please, tell me that she didn’t mean that the way that I’m reading it… Marine: I wish I could, kid… > The Anduin is a pretty strong >river. You *have* to row with powerful strokes. [Another blank stare - then all burst out laughing.] Durandal[hysterically]: Oh boy - I figured out that she was innocent - but this is *really* starting to push it… Blake[ditto]: Oh, poor girl - she doesn’t know what’s ahead for her… > Whe it became to dark to see, we beached the boat and made >camp. We cooked some meat(I think it was deer) for supper before >sleeping. Marine: I wanna sleep through the rest of this fic. Durandal: Well, we can’t do that, but we CAN get outta here. Blake: Amen! [They exit. Text freezes on screen.]