[Kamui is standing in front of the desk-type thingy, with Blake and Durandal behind it.] Leela[offstage]: Okay, Cambot, hit it! [Cambot makes “storm warning”-type beeps and scrolls the message “All watchers pay attention to the following message” across the screen.] Kamui: So that the record may be set straight, let the following facts be put before the audience. Fact Number One - the sword Narsil, or Anduril, was NOT magical, and it most certainly was *not* intelligent or capable of acting on its own in any way. Blake: Fact Number Two - Narsil was broken when Elendil fell on it after having been killed by Sauron, and that particular battle took place beneath the Black Tower, NOT on the Battle Plain. Durandal: Fact Number Three - the entire scene in the common room of the Prancing Pony bears very little resemblance to the actual scene as written by J.R.R. Tolkien, because the original scene was pretty funny, but as written by Margaret it’s just plain stupid. Blake: Fact Number Four - the actual battles of Middle-Earth are much more tragic and important than Margaret writes them. Durandal: Bottom Line - READ THE FREAKIN’ TRILOGY, NOT THIS PIECE OF CRAP! Kamui: This message brought to you by the Society to Prevent J.R.R. Tolkien From Rolling in His Grave. [Marine wanders onstage.] Marine: Great job, guys! I loved it! You really got your point across about how the books really were. Durandal[muttering]: As if you would know. Marine[not noticing]: Durandal, I especially liked your rousing cry at the end. “READ THE FREAKIN’ TRILOGY, NOT THIS PIECE OF CRAP!” Wonderful! Blake: It was our civic duty. [Having flooded the three with praise, the Marine promptly forgets about it and changes subject.] Marine: I came up with a really cool _Tokyo Babylon_ joke. Wanna hear it? Kamui: Sure, why not? Marine: If you’re reading the _Tokyo Babylon_ manga, how do you tell Subaru and Hokuto apart? Durandal: I’ll bite. How do *you* tell them apart? Marine: If the twin has love scenes with Sakurazuka, it’s Subaru! [Loooong pause.] Durandal: Actually - that’s not funny at all. Kamui: I resent that very strongly. Just because Subaru made *one bad choice* in boyfriends doesn’t mean he deserves to be joked about like that. Durandal: Exactly. Give the poor guy a break - it wasn’t his fault that Sakurazuka turned out to be a psychotic serial killer. Kamui: I’d kill Sakurazuka, but Subaru got him first. Blake: I’m confused. Who are these people? Others: Just don’t ask. Durandal: The backstory takes forever, and it’s almost as difficult to understand as not knowing. Marine: Especially when Durandal’s explaining it, because he talks real fast and slurs the Japanese names together so you can’t tell them apart and… Blake: On second thought, I’ll stick with confusion. [Durn it, it’s FANFIC SIGN!] Marine[yelling]: Toszux! We gotta go back into that theater and read that story! Kamui[yelling]: We’re not happy about it either! [Dogbone… Cafeteria Doors… Portal… Drawbridge… Holey Door… Borg Door… Hatch…] Kamui[to Marine]: I’m still going to hold a grudge against you for that joke. Durandal: And you better believe that he means it. Besides, *I’m* holding a grudge against you for it too. Marine: Well, that’s nothing. The Pfhor have a HUGE grudge against me, and they’ve been holding it for ages! Blake[super sarcastic]: I wonder why *that* could be? [Text resumes scrolling.] > About midnight, I woke up with a start. At first I didn’t >know why. Marine[as sword]: Then I remembered that empty-the-keg contest from earlier… > Then I realized there was a horrible shrieking and >slashing noise in the next room (the bedroom), and my heart >(alright, my *centre*) Kamui: Check it out! Margaret must be British! Durandal: Well, *that* explains - uh, nothing. > felt cold with fear. It was Black Riders, >of course. Any halfwitted idiot would know *that*. Blake[as sword]: Which means I didn’t clue in for another ten minutes. > I hissed at >Aragorn to *wake up*. Kamui[announcing]: Watch out for snakes! > He woke up at once and asked me what was >wrong because I usaully sleep very soundly, especially at >midnight. Durandal: Okay, I think Margaret’s completely strained the bounds of credulity here. A sword has sleep cycles? Blake: I don’t THINK so! > I told him about the Black Riders in the next room. I >wondered why no one else was awake. Anyhow, Aragorn agreed with >me, because now he could hear the racket, too. Blake: There are these little things called “reinforcements”, Margaret… Kamui: I mean, really! If I have to fight, say, Fuuma *and* Sakurazuka, I have Subaru along as backup, because he’s as powerful as you get without actually having the power of God, and he has this serious grudge against Sakurazuka, which I wholeheartedly support because one time… Marine: Whoa! Relax, Kamui! We all know about reinforcements! > Anyhow, we stayed right in the room the whole time, because >no one faces a Black Rider (or more than one) even I break into >even more pieces if I pierced a Black Rider, anyway. All: *HUH*? Marine: Is it just me, or did that sentence make no sense at all? Durandal: Normally I’d say it’s just you, but I’m confused too. > Nobody but >the enemy and fools is going to do that. I am pretty good at >swinging my other half. Marine: Er… yeah. Durandal: Just smile and nod. The story can only last for so long… > Finally those Riders left. In the morning they discovered Durandal: - a nasty little ”surprise” on the doorstep… >the beds were all ripped up, and Aragorn told the tale. >Everybody was chilled, espeically Butterbur, the innkeeper. Blake: Yeah, those hobbits go bad pretty fast if you don’t leave ’em on ice… > This >stuff is bad for business. Durandal[dripping sarcasm]: No! I thought it was GREAT for business! > The hobbits decided to leave as soon as possible. However, >every single pony was gone! Blake[dripping sarcasm as well]: Wow! I never thought THAT would happen! It’s a COMPLETE SHOCK! > After a very long while they managed >to find an old nag. It would probably bolt as soon as we got to >the forest. Kamui: If he has to travel with this narrator, that’s not at all unlikely. > When I saw it I decided it probaly drop dead >instead, but Sam called him Bill and was pretty fond of him. Durandal: Exactly HOW - no, I give up. It’s not any fun when she makes it this easy. [The others clap and cheer; Durandal gives them a nasty look.] > I >was never fond of him but he did serve a good purpose. Marine: Yeah, he made real good fishbait. > First was the Chetwood, a very nice, cheery forest, and Kamui: - therefore completely out of place in this story. >bright with color. And then came Midgewater Marshes. Blake: Well, I see someone’s been studying up on their Middle-Earth geography. > Yikes! I >got eaten alive by the midges, gnats, and mosquitoes! And as if >that wasn’t enough, Kamui: All Aragorn brought to eat were otters’ noses! Blake: That’s funny, I wouldn’t have figured you for joining the Popular People’s Front of Judea. Kamui: That’s because I joined the Popular Judean Front of the People. Duh. Blake: Whatever. > there were millions of little insects going >“neekabreek neekabreek” all night long, sounding like a rusty Marine: - machine gun. >door. Marine: Close enough. > Sam called them the Neekabreekers, and that’s what I will >always call them. Durandal: And we are graced yet again with another pointless sentence from the mistress of dullness. [Loud, pointed snores from the others.] > It was pretty awful. All[pause, then]: Nah, too easy. > After that we found the Road. We crossed and sheltered at Marine: - Holiday Inn - >Weathertop. It is an old hill, and I think there used to be a >tower there. Kamui: The Tokyo Tower? Blake: Better check those seals, oh Dragon of Heaven - I think one of the evils of the earth escaped. > I might have even visited it once. Some of us went Durandal: Nope. Not saying a word. She’s just making it too easy. >to the top and looked around. We found a stone saying G3(it said >that in runes, of course). Durandal: And yet another of Apple’s products bites the dust. Blake: There’s a better joke in there somewhere, but I just can’t see it… > Everybody, including me, said it >meant Gandalf had been here on the 3rd of October, 3 days ago. Kamui: Or that he had finally given up on his laptop… Blake: That’s better, but still… not quite… >This was heartning because it meant Gandalf was probaly already >at Rivendell. Marine: And that was good… because… uh… because… Durandal: This sentence apparently was NOT brought to us by the letter “B”. > Suddenly, they spotted a black shape moving along the Road. Blake: Boy, those Mac salesmen never give up, do they? Kamui: My turn to say, “Not quite…” >Everybody dropped down. Marine[as drill sergeant]: Hit the ground and give me sixty pushups, you wimpy little English mama’s boys! What, you call those pushups? Sixty more, you puny amoeba filth, and real ones this time! > Then we headed back to camp. Aragorn >told the news. Everybody was chilled. Durandal: Oh, so they’re fresh-caught fish! Marine: Now THAT really doesn’t make sense at all. Durandal: It does if you have the brains to catch a fish. > They lit a fire to help >keep Black Riders away. I thought “We are going to have a real >picnic tonight.” Blake: And yet… somehow… I still just don’t care. > How very right I was. Kamui: Right? Right? Something in this story is RIGHT? Blake: Besides US, griping about reading this story, there’s something RIGHT? Both: NO WAY! > When it got dark, everybody got a burning branch Durandal: I guess God is cutting down on his fire bill. > for >protection. Except Frodo. He put on his ring and saw Black >Riders the way they really look. I could see them too. I was >forged with this special gift. Durandal[as sword]: I could kill people just by writing my life story in the guise of boring fanfiction. > I could see Frodo too. I can see >anything. Marine: Now THAT… THAT is a useful talent… > It was not a hopeful scene. There were 4 or 5 black Riders >out there, with there king. Blake: Yes, and there wolf, too… so what? > Suddenly Frodo struck out Marine: - with just one inning left to play… > at the >king and called out some words in Elvish. Kamui[chanting, a la Ishida Akira]: Ommmm wa himitsu desu… Marine: Wow, I didn’t know you spoke Elvish! Kamui: I don’t. Durandal: That was Japanese, you twit. Marine: Shinde. [trans. from Japanese: “Drop dead.”] > The king, in turn, >stabbed at Frodo with a morgul-knife. Poor Frodo. It hit him >right in the shoulder. Durandal: I swear, if people start getting injured only in the arm, I am LEAVING! > I helped Aragorn find Frodo and they did the best they could. Kamui: Who? Did what? The best of what? WRITE, Margaret, don’t spit out random phrases! >It wasn’t enough, though. That would have to wait for Rivendell. >To help it Kamui: Help WHAT? Nouns, baka, nouns! USE THEM! Blake: Chill out. Repeat to yourself: “It’s only a fanfic… it’s only a fanfic…” Kamui[quietly]: It’s only a fanfic… it’s only a fanfic… > on the way Aragorn used kingsfoil, a type of healing >plant. > It was pretty bad, getting to Rivendell. If you want >details, Marine: No. > read _the Fellowship of the Ring_. When we *Finally* Kamui: - got some decent spelling, improper punctualization began to show up, not to mention - Durandal: Hush. You’re not helping. > got >to Rivendell, all I could think about was “What a bloody Marine: Yes, yes, go on… a few more details on the “bloody” bit would be nice… and a little gore wouldn’t hurt, either… > awful >trip! I hope to never go on even farther!” Blake[mockingly]: What a bloody awful fanfic! I hope to never read on even farther! > I finally got forged >together again, All[dully]: Yay. > and with the promise I would never break again, I >left the forge. > I was eager to go, but I was *so* crestfallen at the news we >would not be fighting for quite awhile yet, I cried for the 2nd >time. Marine: Crybaby! Durandal: More and more this sword is beginning to seem like you. Blake: Should we call you Anduril, or is just Andy fine? Marine: Quxa sa. [trans. from Pfhoric: “Bite me.”] > So, I decided to go live by Elendil’s and Gil-Galad’s >graves, and give up fighting. All: Yeah, that makes - HUH??? Kamui: Let me get this straight. He’s really sad that he won’t get a chance to fight for a long time, so he’s going to give up fighting. Durandal: Pfhorkiller, you don’t get it. Marine: I don’t - HEY! Durandal: That’s okay. I don’t get it either. > There were plenty of swords that Kamui[as sword]: - were way better than me, but none of *them* had 90-day extended warranties. >looked like me, but once Aragorn finally consented to my plan, he Durandal: - went COMPLETELY nuts, and started screaming, “We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna DIE!” He’d forgotten to pack his Prozac. Kamui: Like CLAMP? Marine: Yeah, only Aragorn doesn’t even get art therapy. >took his time picking one. > I finally managed to get going. Being a sword, I don’t get >tired. Durandal: Which is NOT true. > I also don’t get cold or hungry or thristy. Durandal: Which is also - nani? “Thristy”? Kamui[quietly]: It’s only a fanfic… it’s only a fanfic… > I’m a >traveller’s dream come true. I made good time and got to >Dagorla(n?)d Marine: She’s not even sure how to spell it? Durandal[too calmly]: The new Satellite slogan: Just - look - it - up. A counterpart to the Nike slogan. Somebody shoot me. Marine: Sorry, but I ran out of ammo. > a month after I left Rivendell. It looked just as >awful as before, maybe worse. I practically threw up. Blake: That’s odd. I was thinking of doing the exact same thing. > At the Dead Marshes Kamui: The Dead Marshes: a new, undeveloped, exciting and exotic vacation destination! Blake: Canoe along greasy waterways clogged with rotting plants! Durandal: Take scenic tours to fascinating sights such as the Pool of Dead Faces! Marine: Spot interesting varieties of native wildlife, such as mosquitoes, worms, mosquitoes, ravens, mosquitoes, toads, and mosquitoes! All: You can do it all at - the Dead Marshes! > (*never* go there)I found lumber(I couldn’t >very well ask Sauron, could I?). Durandal: Why not? Sauron’s a nice, easygoing sort of fellow once you get to know him - I’m sure he’d be happy to loan you a couple of logs. Blake: It would make more sense than finding decent wood in the Dead Marshes. > I built a nice fence around the >two graves, with a gate so I could go out and terrorize all orcs >and evil men going by. It was actually sort of fun. Marine: Yep, that sounds like the life, all right… > I cried alot, Durandal: Wimp. > thinking about how I would never see Gil-Galad >or Elendil again. This gave me plenty of reason to get rid of Marine: - myself. I could see them in heaven AND end this fanfic! Blake[singing]: Would it be the same… if I saw you in heaven… >Sauron. That’s why I was glad they were destroying the One Ring. >I’d be free from *Him*. Kamui: From who? Mr. B Ratliff? Durandal: AAAAAHHHHHH! Don’t SAY that! > So, anyhow, back to the story. Marine: Why? Durandal: There’s a story? Marine: Well, there’s a story - but there’s no point. > I was watching Frodo, Sam, >and Gollum Kamui: The new, hilarious daytime comedy from the Sci-Fi Channel. > make their way to the Moranonn. I heard every word >they said. (you can find them in the Two Towers, though they >won’t mention the fence. Or me.) Durandal: Could that be because NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS WERE THERE?! > Then they left my terrotoriy. >I was too busy stalking a regiment of men coming up from Harad. Blake[singing]: Every step you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you… > I wondered why they were travelling with Gollum, because he >is treacherous, dirty, nasty, slimey, Blake: - amd “grottey”! Durandal: Or perhaps “grungey” fits him better. Marine: Maybe he’s “slimy”. All[pause, then]: Nah. > hungry, ready to strangle >someone, and lusts after the One Ring. Marine: I don’t think Margaret likes Gollum. Kamui: It’s a pretty good description, though, ya gotta give her that. > Not pleasant company. >I’d have loved to get my blade on him. Blake: I have to admit, once Margaret gets into a character, she’s pretty thorough on the characterization. Durandal: Yeah, she even uses the same phrases that a real sword would use. Kamui: But you still have to wonder - why? Why, Buddha, WHY? > Several days later I noticed dust rising on the road. That’s >odd, I thought. There’s usaully more than that. Blake: But I thought there was only one Saul. > Then I realized >it was the men of Gondor and Roham. Marine[singing]: Ro, ro, ro your ham, gently down the Moranonn… > Yippe! I thought. All: “Yippe”? Kamui: So all of a sudden, the sword is this French-speaking pathetic little tie-wearing yuppie? > I joined >Aragorn at the front. I kept him up-to-date about my fighting >prowess. Blake: Never say “prowess” again. > Anyhow, Gandalf and the Mouth of Sauron “exchanged words” as >you people might say. Then, suddenly, every single living thing >in Mordor began fighting. Marine: Well, that takes care of that problem right there. > Yowks. All: “Yowks”? Durandal: Margaret’s not very good at making up her own swear words, is she? > I was fighting *very* hard and >killed about 10,000 orcs and 8,102 evil men. Probably more. > Then I went back to my home. Durandal: The ninth layer of hell, or “West Virginia”. > I cried, Marine: Again? He bawls more than Serena! > and then I noticed >something. Kamui[as sword]: Nobody liked me. > On Elendil’s grave there was a small green sprout. >There was one on Gil-Galad’s grave, too. I stopped crying. Durandal[ignoring scene]: Hey, what happened to Frodo destroying the One Ring? What about Faramir and Eowyn? And I want to know where Sam is! >Seeing something alive besides people is something no one had >done yet. Blake: Uh… huh. Yeah. Okay. Kill me now. > And now I had. Kamui: Had WHAT? WHAT? Blake: Remember - it’s only a fanfic… Kamui[beginning to giggle]: It’s only a fanfic… it’s only a fanfic… > So I began taking good care of the little sprouts. I thought Marine[stupid voice]: - that if I took really good care of them, a Sprout Fairy would come and give me two wishes! >that surely they would die soon. Durandal: Well, the story’s certainly dead - I wouldn’t get too attached to those plants. Blake: Are you kidding? This story was never even *alive*. > But I decided to give them a >fighting chance. Kamui: Bad idea - the only plants worth anything in a fight are Kurama’s rose whips. Marine: Rose whips? Oooh, I like the sound of that… Kamui[as Soup Nazi]: No hentai for you! > To my great surprise, the sprouts thrived. The one on >Elendil’s grave was a forget-me Blake: Gladly. > -not, my favorite flower, and the on Gil-Galad’s was a crocus, my second favorite flower. Talk about miracles! Blake: Were we? > They had the most beautiful blossoms you have ever seen. Kamui: Actually, that prize goes to Tylor’s mold flowers. He’s got a real knack for growing things in his old laundry… >After 3 years they had covered both graves. Marine: Sure those aren’t Old Horrible Snakeroots you got there? > Then I saw a few >blades of grass. Durandal[as Ben Stein]: Wow. > Now I worked full-time taking care of the plants. I didn’t >need the fence anymore, so I tore it down and buried the boards >in all different places. Immiedeally Kamui: Akin to “remedial” - the class level at which this author should be. > rowans, oaks, maples, and >cypresses shot up. These are my favorite kinds of trees. Blake: Two bucks says that Margaret can’t even recognize those trees if they bit her on the nose. Marine: Come on - even *I* know that’s a sucker bet. > I was >thinking that Dagorlad looked more beautiful now. There were >flowers and grass growing all over it, and some trees too. I >thought Dagorlad was the most beautiful place in the world. Durandal: I’m sorry, but I think I’ll have to award that honor to Incestville, West Virginia. The way their rusted, junky cars are arranged on their weedy, trashy lawns is stunning, and I just LOVE what they’ve done with those camouflage-colored Ku Klux Klan hats. > The graves of Elendil and Gil-Galad were in a small >clearring, Blake: Well, then what’s the point of wearing it? > because now it had been seven years since the battle. >I now only tended the two graves, because everything else didn’t >need it. At least. Marine: At least what? At least the story would end soon? Durandal: You wish, Gun Man. > Taking care of the crocuses and the forget- >me-nots *was* a chore. > So, now we come to an important part of the story. Kamui: There is one? Blake: A story, or an important part? Kamui: Both. > It was >about 9:00 in the morning, and a beautiful day it was, too. I Marine: - had just finished slaughtering the Elbonians, and was making plans for the massacre of the Zambizians… Durandal: Bad Pfhorkiller! Bad! >was looking at a geode I had just found, with lovely citrine >crystals. Blake: And to top it all off, Margaret’s an amateur geologist! Kamui: Is there anything she can’t do? Durandal: Write. Marine: Can we go now? Durandal: Yes. Marine: You’ve got all the answers, don’t you? Durandal: Yes. Now let’s go! [Text freezes on screen.]