Hello again! This is my third MiSTing, and I should hope that I’m getting pretty decent at it by now. I should warn you all: this story is pain. My friend Margaret started writing it in third grade and finally gave up on it in sixth. It has no redeeming value, besides possibly starting fires. At least “A Tale of an R.A.P.” had a plot and was legible, but this story has no good points at all. It was the cause of much pain - though at least it got marginally more understandable as it went on. This typed-up version simply does not convey the agony of trying to decipher Margaret’s handwriting, the inexplicable yet still very bad doodles on top of the pages, the varying “fonts” of different sections that depended solely on her mood… ouch. The riffing was easy - the author was just setting herself up, so don’t blame me for all the off-color riffs in the beginning. It’s just a really riffable story, no da? If you want any of the in-jokes explained, just e-mail me at mastermster_@hotmail.com, because I love a chance to explain things. I sure hope you’re familiar with anime, especially the series _X_… Margaret apologizes profusely, and hopes that you will not be permanently scarred. Anyhow, I’ve blathered more than long enough, so - on with the show! Quick summary: TITLE: The Life and Adventures of Narsil A. Sword AUTHOR: Maya Tijan ERA: MARATHON, Episode 102(or NONE) CATEGORY: DnD, PG(sorry, but I couldn’t resist that fourth host segment…) ORIGINAL AUTHOR: Margaret Silvers My nice new theme song, so sue me if it’s bad: “In the fairly distant future With a satellite for a base A nameless guy and his two friends Are stuck in outer space Annoyed by a man whose name is Strauss A boring doctor who’s a real louse With his strange and evil mini-ons He tortures these poor people just because he’s feeling mee-ean!(BWAHAHAHA!) ‘We’ll send him painful fanfics, The worst we can find(la la la) Because we think it’s really fun To watch him lose his mind!’(la la la) Now remember this guy can’t control When the fanfic begins or ends(la la la) He’ll try to keep his sanity With the help of his odd friends: (Weird People Roll Call!) Cambot!(Who are these people?) Leela!(Who’s Richard Basehart?) Robert Blake!(Frog blast the vent core!) DURANDAAAAAL!(I’m the god!) If you’re wondering how they eat and breathe, And other science facts(la la la) Just repeat to yourself ‘It’s just a show’ You should really just relax For Marathon Science Theater 3000!”(twang) [Bridge of the SoL. The Marine is at the front, backed up by Durandal and Blake. Leela is watching.] Marine: Hello, and welcome to the Satellite of Love! Have a nice day! Durandal: No, no, that’s not it! You introduce *yourself*, then Blake and me, then Leela, *then* you say “Have a nice day”! Can’t you get *anything* right?! Leela: Stop picking on him, will you? He did fine. Durandal: But I’ve gone over this with him TEN TIMES! How could he POSSIBLY forget the entire middle section?! [The light that shows there’s someone on the Hexfield flashes.] Blake: Oh look, we’re getting a call. Durandal: It’s probably a salesman. Don’t pick it up. [Too late! Blake hits the light.] [Cambot focuses on the Hexfield, and - WOW! Total Hunk Alert! There is one seriously gorgeous bishounen on the viewscreen, with one white angel wing and one black dragon wing. Everyone, meet Kamui Shirou! Leela has hearts the size of satellite dishes in her eyes, and Durandal is obviously jealous.] Kamui: Konnichi wa! Leela: Oooh… Marine: Hi! Who’re you? Kamui: I’m Kamui Shirou. I was sent here by the author because she thinks I need to work on my sense of humor. Is this okay? Leela: Oooh…! Durandal[brusquely]: Nice to meet you, Shirou. I’m Durandal. If you’ll pardon us, Leela and I have something we need to talk about. Bob here can fill you in. Blake: What do you need to talk about? Durandal: Big important AI stuff. You wouldn’t get it. [He drags Leela offstage, still with hearts in her eyes.] Marine: Hey, I’ve heard of you! You’re from that neat manga _X_, right? Kamui: Yes. It’s a pretty good life, but the author had a point about my sense of humor. _X_ is awfully serious. Marine: Yeah, I kinda figured that. Anyhow, come on over. [Kamui disappears from the Hexfield to appear next to the Marine.] Marine: Cool! So, you said the author sent you so you can get a better sense of humor? Kamui: That’s all right, isn’t it? Blake: Sure. Vid Boi here says he’s talked to the author before, and - Marine: - she says that it’s no problem. She likes writing guest stars. Kamui: Is there anything I should know? Blake: Just say funny things about whatever story appears on the screen. It’s not much as far as a life is concerned, but as a job it beats rewiring houses or exterminating aliens. Kamui: It sounds better than beating up other psychically powerful beings daily. Marine: Really? Beating up other psychically powerful beings sounds like fun! [Durandal returns, minus Leela.] Durandal: That would require you to HAVE psychic powers, i.e. a functioning mind, whereas you don’t even have a *brain*. Marine: Durandal! Don’t be so mean! Kamui: Is your life this odd all the time? Blake: Er - pretty much, yes. Mostly it’s odder. Kamui: Is it too late to change the author’s mind about this? [The Mads light flashes, and Durandal hits it.] Durandal: Three of the Seven Minions are calling. [The Mads are busy unpacking. There’s a lot of unidentifiable stuff. Dr. Strauss looks up from a box of what appear to be dental implements.] Dr. S.: There you are, rats! As you can see, we’re busy down here, so we can’t hang around and torture you in person. However - hey, who are YOU? Kamui: I’m Kamui Shirou, and if you really are three of the Minions in disguise, I’ll just have to destroy you. Do you have anything fragile you don’t want broken? My aim isn’t perfect. Durandal[hastily]: No, no, that’s not necessary. I was joking. Kamui: Too bad. Anyhow, I was sent here by the author, so there is nothing you can do about my presence here. [He makes a Skuld face - must see to appreciate.] Dr. S.: That’s all right - four people suffering is even better than three! As I was saying, we can’t torture you personally, but I’ve got just the fanfic to keep you in agony! It’s a totally unnecessary addition to the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and - well - read it and weep, Otaku! Blue Moon, SEND THEM THE FANFIC! [Blue Moon pushes the button.] [Divers alarums, sirens, the works.] All: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! WE’VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! [Dogbone… Cafeteria Doors… Portal… Drawbridge… Holey Door… Borg Door… Hatch…] [BTW, Kamui has a very nice silhoutte… ^-^ He's sitting on Blake's left.] Marine: What’s the Lord of the Rings trilogy? Durandal: It’s a classic trilogy written by J.R.R. Tolkien - a fantastic, poetic adventure that can be read on many levels. Marine: Will the fanfic be like that? Durandal: The short answer is no. > The Life and Adventures of Narsil A. Sword Blake: That pun is DISGUSTING. Kamui: Horrendous. Durandal: Terrible. Marine: Gross. Blake: We’re in trouble, guys. > > by Margaret Silvers Kamui: A name you can trust. > > I was bored. Very bored. Durandal: How amazing! So are we! > There was absolutely nothing to do >except sit and play around with the stuff in the storehouse. Marine: Now *that’s* a little strange. Durandal: You don’t have any room to talk, Gun-Boy. >Nothing else. Blake[as narrator]: Then some stuff happened. Everybody died except me. I was really sad. The end. Kamui: That reminds me of something… a story by CLAMP, perhaps? Hmmm… > Then one day I saw the door begin to open. Kamui: Hey, it’s starting! Better settle in, get some popcorn or something. > I saw >Elendil look for me. I headed for the door. I am a sword(duh). Blake: Oh, I thought he was a *fish*. Really, talk about stating the non-obvious. > Elendil carefully picked me up and put me in my scabbard. Marine: Come on! *I* could come up with a better euphemism than that! >Elendil said, “We’re going to war with Sauron.” I knew Sauron. >Sauron was very, very evil. Marine[as sword]: He was so evil you wouldn’t believe it, so I won’t talk about him. Kamui: Sauron was so evil, he was giving Barney a run for the money! > He(Sauron) was Morgoroth’s >lieutenant. Morgoroth was even more evil than Sauron. Blake: But does he have what it takes to be truly evil - a thin mustache? > But >Morgoroth was long gone. I’m not a fool. Kamui: Really? I’ve seen no evidence to the contrary. > So Elendil marched off to meet Gil-Galad. Durandal: They started at a nice French restaurant, but before you could say “birth control” they had progressed to a one-bed motel room! > Gil-Galad was Blake[reciting]: - an Elven King. / Of him the harpers sadly sing… Marine[bored]: That’s nice. >going to help them overthrow Sauron. I liked Gil-Galad. He made >funny jokes(really). Blake[as sword]: I liked Gil-Galad, but he wanted to be “just friends”. Kamui: This is one of those stories where the author feels obligated to stick in little parenthetical notes of no value all the time, isn’t it? > We met many armys of Orcs and evil Men. Marine[as sword]: We butchered the English language and the written word in many different ways, which are not important enough to be talked about. > I sliced Balrog’s >wings and slashed Orcs and evil Men. Durandal: I get the feeling that Margaret’s favorite parts were the ones where the heroes hauled out their various implements of war and hacked away at the bad guys, with plenty of gore and crushed heads and blood. Blake: Gee, you think? Marine: Those sound like *my* favorite parts. > They fled when they saw me >screaming “Whipper, Whipper!” Durandal[continuing from above]: And now I think I know why. Kamui: That’s really sick. > (They hate me more than Glamdring >and Orcrist.) Durandal: Even at this early date, so do we. > Finally Gil-Galad and Elendil came to the Morrannon, the >Black Gates opening to Sauron’s land, Mordor. I felt sick. Kamui: I guess the narrator’s been listening to you, Durandal. [Durandal bonks him.] Kamui: Itai… > I >could see smoke and fire coming from Orodruin, or Mt. Doom. Marine: It had overdosed on Mexican food the night before. > It was not a very hopeful sight. Durandal[as sword]: I mean, us hundreds of thousands of trained fighting men against thirteen Kid’s Crew members? We were doomed, man! We didn’t stand a chance! > Marching out to meet us >were hundreds upon thousands of orcs and evil men. They begun >fighting, and the Numenaerons Blake: The WHO? Durandal: I think she was thinking of the guys from Númenor - but it’s entirely possible she meant small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. > and the Elves fought back(stupid >sentence). Kamui: You’re missing the forest for the trees, Margaret. This entire STORY so far is stupid. > Slash, slice, I went. Marine: Yawn, snore, the readers went. > I was fighting hard, when >suddenly I felt the Man behind me fall back, right on me. Durandal[singing]: Shut up, you talk too much… pay the Man… > It was >Elendil. Without a thought Blake: Now *that’s* obvious. > for wounds or anything else(on Durandal: - Jerry Springer: fanfic characters and the wounds that love them. Marine: We sure love it when they get wounded. Blake: And when they get killed, well - what could be better? >Elendil), I looked up to kill the thing that had hurt Elendil. >There, sitting on a great black horse, was Marine: Santa Claus! > Sauron. Marine: Darn. > I, without a thought, Kamui: You’re stating the obvious again, dear. > reared back and plunged straight toward >Sauron’s chest(stupid idea), and struck so deep my point came out >the other side. Durandal: This scene is just ripe with double entendres… Blake: Please - try and restrain yourself. Durandal: I can’t figure out a way to phrase them that will get them past the censors anyhow. > It was freezing and burning. I felt like I was >in a million pieces. Marine[stoned voice]: And then there were, like, these HUGE pink elephants, and then they, like, started to, like, whomp across the, like, table, which had these, like, HUGE bloody spiderwebs on it… Kamui: And that’s, like, *gross*… Durandal: He *likes* _Ninja Scroll_. Kamui[suddenly enlightened]: Oh. > When I pulled out(in one piece) Durandal: Doesn’t sound very manly to me. > there was a sort of quizzical >look on Sauron’s face. Blake[as Sauron]: Darn it, I *know* the proper conjugation for “you have” in German - “er hat”? No, no - darn it, what IS that phrase? Oh look, I’ve been stabbed - “sie haben”? No, no… > Then he(Sauron) fell off his horse, >dead(bad sentence). Blake: I couldn’t agree with you more. > But I kept on fighting(stupid sentence). Marine: Yeah, you said - darn it, it’s just not as fun when the author agrees with us. > Suddenly, the man right behind me(a very heavy man) Durandal: It’s Fat Albert! > fell >right on me(again). Durandal[as sword]: I enjoyed it immensely(again). Kamui: You especially are sick. > I knew I was in two pieces. When I pulled >myself out, Marine: I’m telling you, this sword needs a dose of testosterone or something. > I also had to drag out my other half. I noticed the >war was over. Kamui[as sword]: I noticed that my dialogue and narration were stilted. There was nothing I could do about it. So I took a nap. > I also saw the only living things was a cluster of >men and Elves, about a mile off. Blake: They were having a toga party! > I dragged myself towards them. > When I got there, I saw that everyone’s face was pale and Marine: - pimply. They were all teenagers in the throes of adolescence. Kamui: Well, THAT was a total non sequitur. Marine[cheerfully]: You’re welcome! >haggard. I looked from one face to another. I demanded “Where’s >Gil-Galad”? Kamui: Don’t ask us, you’re the author! Blake: That’s the spirit. > I looked down. Elendil was dead. And so was Gil- >Galad. Blake: Wow! Now THAT’S dramatic! Kamui: Could we have the next Nicholas Sparks in our midst? Durandal: The short answer is once again “no”. > I could tell(when you’ve seen as many dead faces as I >have, you can tell, too). I cried. In one battle, I had lost >everything. Durandal: And one of the more dramatic and tragic battles of Middle-Earth just kind of - peters out. > Isildur, Elendil’s son, took charge. I did not like Isildur. Blake: That’s okay. We don’t like you either. >I thought Isildur was a bumbling idiot(funny). Durandal[as sword]: But then, I thought that Ross Perot would win the ’92 election, so who am I to judge? > Isildur insisted Blake: - that _Phantom of the Opera_ was better than _Cats_, so I had to hit him. >on taking and keeping the One Ring. I thought it was evil and >plain, but I didn’t say so. Isildur wouldn’t listen. I went >with a company of horsemen(and horseelves)(joke) Marine[dully]: Heh. Heh. Heh. Please, stop. The humor is killing me. > to my home in >the north. > There began long years of hope *and* despair. Durandal: Years of war *and* peace. Blake: Joy *and* sadness. Kamui: Love *and* hate. Marine: All’s fair in love *and* war! > I couldn’t fight >because no one would fix me. Durandal: Try Dr. Kevorkian - I know he’s a people doctor, but how hard can it be to neuter a sword? Blake: Besides, that way the story might end. > I thought life wasn’t fair. Things Blake: You know - things. Marine: Like guns ’n stuff. Kamui: Maybe cool things. Marine: Like I said, guns ’n stuff! Durandal: No, he said “cool” things. Blake: Maybe there was some Mexican Stoplight Candy involved somewhere. Who knows? >got a little better when Aragorn inheireted me. Kamui: “Inheireted”? Blake: You’ll get used to it. Eventually you’ll be able to stand misspellings like “luietenent” - or even words like “whimsicoracally”! Kamui: You’re scaring me. > One day Aragorn said we had to escort 4 hobbits to Rivendell >or farther. Durandal[as sword]: Our clients are usually higher class, but those hobbits were so desperate for - Kamui: Please - don’t complete that sentence - Durandal: - protection from the law that they were offering twice the usual price! Marine[approvingly]: Good save. > I asked “What are hobbits?” Aragorn told me they >were short, stout, and liked food, drink, and merriment. Blake: This sentence brought to you by Commas ’R Us, providers of high- quality, misplaced, overused commas to writers of bad fanfics for over twenty years. > I >couldn’t wait(I like that stuff myself). Kamui: Yes, there’s nothing like gorging yourself on greasy, fatty food, getting drunk on bad wine, and making a fool of yourself in front of your friends to have a good time! Durandal: Thank you, Mr. Puritan. > So we set off for Bree, where we would meet Gandalf(a wizard) Marine[super sarcastic]: No, I thought they were going to meet Gandalf, a white Volkswagon. >and the hobbits, one of which was carrying the One Ring. His Blake: - sense of fashion left a lot to be desired, considering his idea of “dressing up” involved a Day-Glo pink tie with ’70’s green polka dots. Durandal: It would make Jeeves faint. >name was Frodo, and he had to go to Mt. Doom and destroy the >Ring(poor fellow). Kamui: Why waste your sympathy on Frodo? He gets to take a pleasant stroll with his friends and see the sights of Middle-Earth, while we’re stuck in a beat-up satellite without basic amenities, orbiting God knows what planet, reading this lousy story! Pity us, why don’t you? Blake: This message brought to you by the Society of Self-Pity, working to keep self-pity alive for over a thousand years. > But Gandalf wasn’t there. And we had to wait >for the hobbits. Marine: Gee, life just ain’t fair, is it? > So we sat down and waited. It was not very exciting. Durandal: Oh, they must have brought this story along by accident, instead of the GOOD books they thought they’d packed. > The >inn was called The Prancing Pony. Blake: Yeah, but can it dance? > Bree-folk called the >Numenoeraéns “Rangers”. Kamui: “Numenoeraéns”? Blake: It’s called “looking up words you’re not sure how to spell”, Margaret. Try it sometime. > At the Prancing Pony everybody called >Aragorn, Strider. I couldn’t talk. They might take me away or >something. Durandal: Not long after this was written, two men in black were seen talking to a blacksmith about the cost of melting down a quantity of high-quality metal. > Then, one night, while we were in a corner, Blake: - some weird old dude started talking to us about a bird and demons. Or maybe he was saying that eels were slimy. I wasn’t really paying attention. > in came the >hobbits, all 4 of them! Kamui: I think Sauron needs to hire better hit men. > I wanted to jump up and down and yell >“hurrah”!! Durandal: Why? Only the Shadow knows! > We sat and waited for Frodo to find the corner. Marine: But considering that Frodo couldn’t find his butt with both hands, they were waiting for a LONG time. Blake: Leave Frodo alone. He got all the way to Mount Doom and defeated a totally evil person despite being only three feet tall! Marine: Geez, it was just a joke. *I* don’t know anything about Frodo. >Aragorn said Frodo might get embarresed and come to where we >were. He was absouletly right. Blake[stupid voice]: Houkt un Fonix DYD wurk fer mi! > Frodo wandered over after being >shone the rooms. Marine: That’s right! Frodo now comes with a built-in high-watt security light, perfect for lighting up those dark hotel rooms! Durandal[lewdly as usual]: Why would you *want* to? > I wanted to see the One Ring. Aragorn said “Call me >Strider.” Frodo said nervously, “My name is Mr. Underhill.” Kamui: The sky is blue. Maya says “Kamui is hot.” Durandal has a dirty mind. Durandal: I resent that last remark, just on principle. Marine: The author agrees with you on all three points. Kamui: Where did you think I got the second one from? >Neither Aragorn or me said we knew his real name was Mr. Baggins. Blake: Durandal, can Kamui or me leave? Durandal: Sorry, but you two are stuck here. Blake: Great - marooned in a theater with the God of the Gutter and a gun maniac while being forced to read a really lousy story. Kamui: It’s just our lucky day. >“I know why you came” said Aragorn. Marine[as Aragorn]: “February 28th, New York City, by Grand Central Station. If you’re going to kill a hobbit, Aragorn, you’d better make sure you finish the job!” You have no idea how many times I’ve heard that one. People just don’t seem to like me! > Frodo became even more Blake: - unstable and gunned down everybody at the place before committing suicide. The end! Kamui: This fic is really getting you down, isn’t it? >nervous. Then he left to join his friends. This had not been >anticipated. I still had not seen the One Ring. Durandal: Tough titty, said the kitty. Kamui: I beg your pardon? Durandal: I don’t know - this author is just grating me the wrong way. Marine: That’s right, you prefer being grated *counter*clockwise, and she’s going back and forth! Kamui: That was bad. Really, really bad. Marine: He was asking for it. > Then Frodo did something really stupid. Kamui: He decided it wouldn’t hurt to be in this fanfic. Boy, was he wrong! > All the hobbits were Marine: - drunk out of their skulls. >calling for a song. Marine: Exactly what I said! > So Frodo got up on a table and began >singing. Then he began dancing. Durandal: One thing Margaret forgot to mention was Frodo’s recent career change… > Frodo began singing it again >and jumped. Blake: - off a twenty-story building. The end! Durandal: Give it up. It doesn’t work. > He came down very hard and the table broke in half. Durandal: Frodo *is* Fat Albert! >Everyone began shouting. Here comes the stupid thing. Kamui[as author]: I decided to start writing. Blake: Don’t you mean “writng”? Durandal: Or “wirting”? Kamui: Oh, give her a *little* credit. Both: Nope. > Frodo >slipped on the Marine: - banana peel Aragorn had carelessly tossed onto the table! > One Ring and crawled to the corner we were sitting >in, where he took it off. Durandal[excited]: Took *what* off? *What*? Details, Margaret! It’s all in the details! Kamui: That really is disgusting. > I saw the Ring and to me it looked >exactly the same, except some writting on it before had Durandal: - been scratched out, and now it said, “Go 49ers!” Blake: Your taste in football is lousy. Durandal: Oh, and a guy who still has his Dallas Cowboy sheets has any room to talk? Blake: Grrrr… >disapeared. > “I guess you learned a lesson there, Mr. Baggins?” said >Aragorn. Frodo looked ready to drop dead on the spot. Marine: Nobody’s stopping you! > He asked Blake[as Frodo]: Do you know what happened to the rules of grammar? I can’t find them anywhere in this story, and it’s bugging me. >“Ho did you know?” Aragorn said “I happened to be hiding in some >bushes Kamui: I’m a little fuzzy bunny, come and find me… I’m so naughty… Durandal[approvingly]: That’s more like it. Kamui: It’s from some neat show that used to run on the Comedy Channel. I watched it when I wasn’t busy saving the world and stuff. > when a party of 4 hobbits (and Tom Bombadil) came out of Durandal: - the closet! >the Old Forest. One of the hobbits said “Remember, the name of >Baggins must not be mentioned. If any name must be given, it is Marine[as Frodo]: - John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt. Blake[as Frodo]: - Clark Kent. Kamui[as Frodo]: - Johnny Mathis. Durandal[as Frodo]: - Stud Muffin! [Pause.] Kamui: You’re weird. >Mr. Underhill.” Then there was silence. Durandal[dramatically]: And the rest - is silence! > “I would like to see Kamui: NO, Durandal. Absolutely NOT. Marine: And I back him up on this. This is a family show. Durandal[disappointed]: What a bunch of prudes. >you in private” said Aragorn. Durandal[as Aragorn]: I really think we should complete our “business” in private. > He was being a real chatterbox >tonight, I thought. He usually didn’t talk at all. Kamui: Well, he sounds like a fun person to be around. Blake: Yeah, what with never talking and all, he must be great company. Both: NOT! > But I was Marine: - busy chatting up this really cute chick, and didn’t have time to worry about Aragorn’s social life. >getting impatient. I wanted to yell, “To hell with Gandalf! Kamui: Now, now, Margaret, watch the language. >Let’s move!” > However, I kept my mouth shut. It had got me in trouble >before, and I wasn’t about to repeat my mistake. Durandal: I didn’t know you could get pregnant from giving someone a - Others: NO! ABSOLUTELY *NOT*! Durandal[whiny]: Aw, you never let me have any fun. > I was also >getting hot. [All just snicker. Nothing need be said.] > And both of my pieces ached. So you can imagine my >impatience. [Durandal is laughing out loud now. He just can’t BELIEVE this author.] > Anyway, Frodo agreed to this. However, he found himself >rather unpopular. So the hobbits went to their rooms, and Marine: - since this fanfic is rated PG, I’m forbidden to say what happened next. Still - can you even DO that with an accordion? And the GERBILS? I mean, is that POSSIBLE? Others: *Ewww*… Durandal[completely grossed out]: I thought you said this was a “family” show… Marine[cheerfully]: I lied. It only applies to you. Marine: Yeah, what she said! Others: Huh? >Aragorn and I followed. Believe me, those hobbits were surprised >to see us sitting in a corner! Durandal: And exactly WHAT were they doing in that corner? > You should have seen their faces. >I couldn’t hear what was being said. Aragorn suddenly lifted my Blake: - wallet, and since I was a sword, I lopped his head off. Boy, was it fun! Durandal: Vid Boi’s rubbing off on you. >top half out. I was too embaressed and surprised to say or hear >anything. Sam was especially surprised. Marine[as Sam]: Whoa! I don’t think that’s legal here! Kamui: Why did I ever think that you were less disgusting than Durandal? > Then he put me back in my scabbard. Kamui: Now *there’s* an overused euphemism. Blake: Especially in this story. I mean, she’s only used it about four times already, and nothing’s really even happened! Kamui: Wait - you mean this is a STORY? > From the snatches of >conversation I could gather, they were talking about future >plans. Durandal[as Frodo]: I say we get another thousand of Microsoft. Blake[as Aragorn]: No, no, no! Didn’t you hear me? Microsoft’s going down. We ought to put our money on Apple. Marine[as sword]: Screw it all. Let’s go wipe out the Pfhor instead. Durandal[as Frodo]: Sounds good to me. What’s their market value? Kamui: Ladies and gentlemen, the Stock Market Sketch! > Then suddenly the 4th hobbit, (I think his name is Merry) Durandal: She’s writing a Lord of the Rings fanfic, and she can’t even remember for certain that Merry is the fourth hobbit? Kuso! Kamui: We’ll have none of that language on this show, thank you. >rushed in, babbling. Kamui: He was talking about how the Y2K problem and the Monica Lewinsky scandal were caused by the prophecies of Nostradamus. He’d forgotten to take his medication again, poor fellow. > A servant and Butterbur rushed in after >him. Blake[as Butterbur]: Here he goes again! Merry, dear, come back to your nice padded room now. Kamui[as Merry, plaintively]: Can I have the blue one this time? The white one is boring. > From the conversation that ensued, I guessed that Merry had >been attacked by Black Riders. Don’t expect further information Blake: - in this story, because frankly I don’t care anymore. >on Black Riders. They’re awful and avoid them. Marine: I mean, talk about B.O.! Don’t they have showers in Mordor or wherever? > Believe me I’ve >had experience. Kamui[smoky]: In my line of work, you get a *lot* of - experience. Durandal: I think you’ve been hanging out with Karen-san a bit too much. Kamui: Me? What about YOU? And Gun-Boy over there? Marine: Are you dissing Karen? Do you need a grenade in the mouth? Kamui: Oh, just forget that I said anything. > Then the inkeeper came in, and Aragorn receded >into a corner. Blake: Neat trick. Hey, Kamui, can *you* recede into a corner? What with having the power of God and all? Kamui: Nah - that’s reserved for characters in badly-written fanfics. It’s an English grammar-type thing. > They all began talking about a letter from >Gandalf that had been in the keeping of Butterbur(the inkeeper). Durandal: The whole group had been “Dear John”-ed. >Then Aragorn entered the conversation. Boy, his tongue was >getting a real workout tonight. Kamui: The new instructor in the Tongue Weight-Lifting Center was an ex- Marine. Blake: Close one. > They decided it would be safer to sleep in here. Marine: I don’t recall authorizing a sleepover. Durandal? Durandal: Who would I sleep over *with*? Wing Kid here? Blake: Hey, don’t be so rude to our guest. He might leave, and then we’d be riffing this all by ourselves. Anyhow, I believe she meant that they would all sleep in the parlor or wherever - not the theater. Marine: Besides, the heater in here rattles at night - you’d never get any sleep! Durandal[lewdly]: Who said that sleeping was the point? Kamui: I’m just going to pretend that I didn’t hear any of that. > This was a >good idea, and it turned out to be lucky they thought of it. >Otherwise, I wouldn’t be writing this. Kamui: Then where’s the luck? > They fixed up the beds so Marine: - that the next people to sleep in them would get rashes in very uncomfortable places! Durandal: That’s exactly what *you* would do. >it would look like people(or hobbits) were sleeping there. >Aragorn slept with the hobbits. I’m glad he did, even though I >lost some sleep. Durandal: Oh, I give up. Margaret wouldn’t know a double entendre if one came up and bit her in the nose. Kamui: You know, this is a good place for a break. Blake: I thought you’d never ask. Let’s get out of here. [They exit. Text freezes on screen.] [Hatch… Borg Door… Holey Door… Drawbridge… Portal… Cafeteria Doors… Dogbone…]