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Part Three--Everybody I Know Needs What I’m Selling

Author’s Note: Thank you for all the reviews!!! I mean, wow!!! I hope this chapter is as good as the others!! And thank you!

Also, I had to make names for everyone. Okay, Calvin’s last name is Hayes. And his mom’s name is Susan, if that ever comes up. I doubt I’ll have to use first names much. If that bothers you, replace them with your own. *shrugs* What can I do?

And finally, I am sorry for the delay. ^_^;;; I couldn’t think of anything! The others might be done faster, but...If you don’t get your hopes up, they won’t crash down. -.-

And I must thank Ian for the first part of the director’s madness, up to the “La de dah de da” part. Ian actually sang that once! ^_^

Calvin’s mom hummed as she cut up the leeks. She heard the front door open and close.

“Hi, honey!” she called behind her. She turned around.

Calvin’s dad was there, looking distinctly miffed, *probably* because of the bucket of ice water dumped on his head.

“I *still* say we should’ve gotten a Golden Retriever,” he said.

She tried to stifle her giggles. “Oh, come on, they’re just kids!”

“Are you sure? I think they’re aliens from outer space...”

“PLEASE.”

“Well...” He gave in. “Whatever. But there’s still the thing at work...”

“*What* thing?” she asked.

“We need a commercial. Business is slowing, and we need to reach more inventors. So, I suggested we make a TV commercial.” He moaned. “Then they asked ME to come up with the idea!”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll come up with something.”

“I hope...” Calvin’s dad trailed off.

Chin in hands, he looked out the window.

“YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!” Susie screamed.

“Oh yes I can!!” Calvin countered.

“You can NOT just break my wand in two!“

Calvin smirked. “The rules are whatever we make up, Susie.”

“Well... I taped my wand back together!! It still works!!”

“YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!” Calvin screamed.

Calvin’s dad chuckled. *Sometimes they’re like an old married couple or something... THAT’S IT!!!!!!*

“Calvin! Er, whoever you are!! Come in here!” he yelled excitedly.

They ran in nervously.

“Calvin, Susie, how would you like to be the stars of a commercial??!!!”

“Sure!” yelled Calvin.

“Um... What precisely would we DO?” asked Susie.

“Well, you’d be a couple--”

“FORGET ABOUT IT!!!” they yelled.

“But, you’d be perfect for it!! I couldn’t find anyone better for the part!! Please?” he begged.

“Um, no.”

“Fine...” He sighed and let them run back out.

“Aha!” Calvin yelled. “The 3-D Hypno Ring!! You have to obey an order from me!!”

Susie said a word that would’ve gotten her into deep trouble if anyone who cared had been around.

“Um...” Calvin grinned maliciously.

“Uh-oh...” Susie said.

“I order you to go and agree to be in that commercial!!” Calvin yelled triumphantly.

“NOOOOO!!!” Susie yelled.

“Go on...”

A very disgruntled Susie walked into the kitchen. “Fine, I’ll DO your dang commercial!!!!”

She walked back out, peeved by the “YESSsssssssss!!” from Calvin’s dad.

She quickly retaliated. “It’s the genie necklace! I can order YOU once, too!!”

Calvin panicked. “Um, I have the counter-charm!!”

“I HAVE THE COUNTER-COUNTER CHARM!!!” she yelled manically. “If I go down, YOU’RE GOING DOWN WITH ME!!!”

“No!” Calvin yelled futilely.

“YOU HAVE TO BE IN THE COMMERCIAL TOO!!” She laughed insanely.

“DANG IT!!!” he screamed. He stormed into the kitchen.

“FINE, FINE, I’LL DO IT!! I’LL DO IT!!! FINE!!!

“Yesssssss!!!” Calvin’s dad yelled as Calvin stormed upstairs and Susie laughed hysterically outside.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Refresh my memory: HOW did we get talked into this?” Susie asked Calvin.

“Well, I hypnotized you with the--”

“That was rhetorical, Calvin.”

“Okay, here’s your scripts, get your costumes, where’s the props?!! GAAAHHHH!! Doesn’t anyone know how to do stuff RIGHT around here???!!!!”

Calvin’s dad was running around the set frenziedly, checking everything.

Finally, everything was in place.

“Let’s see... ‘GIRL: How are you doing with your inventions, Honey?’ HONEY?????!?!?!?!?!??!?!”

“GAAAAAHHHHH!!” yelled Calvin. “We can’t read this trash!!! Everyone will think we’re an item!!!”

“Well, they already do, but that’s not the point!!!” Susie yelled.

“WE DEMAND A REWRITE!!” they chorused.

“Too bad... PLACES ON THE SET!!!!”

Calvin sat on a recliner in front of a television. Susie stood, wearing an apron, in the kitchen.

“Action!”

Susie grinned evilly. “Hello, honey, would you like some... CEREAL???!!!” She flung a bowl at the camera.

“CUT!! WHAT IN THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING???!!!”

Susie turned her head and whistled innocently.

“Arrgh... Take two, Action!”

“Auggh, there’s nothing good on!!” yelled Calvin. He threw the remote... At the second camera.

“CUT!! I want NO MORE JOKING AROUND!! Take three, ACTION!!”

“The director is a jerk,” Susie said seriously.

“CUT!!!” The director came onto the set. “If you kids don’t get serious RIGHT NOW, there will be HELL TO PAY!!!”

“Waaaahhhhhh!!” Calvin cried.

Susie faked tears with the same vigor. “I don’t like the profanity that comes out of Director’s mouth!!!”

The director swore. “GET SERIOUS!!”

Calvin and Susie stopped, knowing the exact limit the director was at.

“TAKE FOUR, ACTION!!”

“How are you doing with your inventions, honey?” Susie said regretfully.

“Not very well.” Calvin sighed out of frustration and because it was in the script. “This guy keeps stealing my ideas!!”

“Well, why don’t you try a patent attorney?” Susie said.

“Like who?”

“Like...um...What’s its name again?”

Everyone moaned.

“Cocker-Grant, kid, Cocker-Grant! Take five, action!”

“How are you doing with your inventions, honey?” Susie asked.

“Wonderful, now that I’m with Cocker-Grant!” Calvin said proudly.

Everyone sighed.

“CUT!!”

“Huh? What did I do?” asked Calvin.

“We have to start at the beginning every time he says “Cut”,” Susie explained.

“Why?!” Calvin asked.

“Because he says so.” Susie pointed at the director. Calvin turned.

“Why?”

“Because, kid.”

“Why?”

“Because, kid!”

“Why?”

“Because!”

“Why?”

“Because!!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE!!!!!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE!!!!!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE!!!!!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE!!!!!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE!!!!!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE!!!!!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE!!!!!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE!!!!!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE!!!!!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE!!!!!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE!!!!!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE!!!!!”

“Why?”

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!” The director tore his hair out and ran out the door.

Calvin and Susie ran to lean out the window. The director came out of the building and grabbed a lamppost. “Father Abraham, is too sexy for you!! La de dah de da! Every night in my dreams, into a gray sky morning, you got your momma’s style but you’re, too sexy for your shirt, too sexy for your shirt, so sexy it hurts!!” Still singing insanely, he ran down the street.

Calvin and Susie stared. “Wow......I think we drove him insane...”

Calvin’s dad started preaching. “Now, maybe this will teach you not to--”

“YESSSSSSS!!!” they yelled. “WAHOOOOOO!!!”

Calvin’s dad sighed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Calvin grumbled. “Oh please, we suck!”

Calvin’s dad shushed them. They were sitting around the TV, waiting for the commercial’s premiere.

“It’s time!”

And sure enough, it came on.

SUSIE: How are you doing with your inventions, honey?

CALVIN: Not very well. ::sighs:: This guy keeps stealing my ideas!!

SUSIE: Well, why don’t you try a patent attorney?

CALVIN: Like who?

SUSIE: ::walks to Calvin:: Like Cocker-Grant!

VOICE-OVER: Cocker-Grant is a company you can trust. ::shows clips of patent attorneys from the firm, including Calvin's dad, working busily:: Our professionals work hard every day to protect your ideas. We should do it well--We’ve been doing this for fifty years!

SUSIE: ::holds Calvin’s shoulders:: So, how’s your latest invention?

CALVIN: ::hugs Susie gingerly:: Oh, it’s WONDERFUL!! Cocker-Grant saved my ideas from that swine!

SUSIE: So, think your invention will go far? ::snuggles up to Calvin::

CALVIN: ::smiles, looks upwards:: It already has...

VOICE-OVER: ::as camera pans up to show hovercars zooming across the sky:: Cocker-Payne--Protecting the future, one patent at a time.

There was a moment of silence...

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Susie screamed. “I LOOK LIKE A BLIMP!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” She ran out of the house, inconsolable.

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! I’M DEAD!!! I AM SO DEAD!!!” Calvin screamed. He ran up the stairs. “WAKE ME IN A HUNDRED YEARS!!!!!!”

“Well... Overacting translates across the screen...In a very bad way...” Calvin’s mom trailed off.

Calvin’s dad got up morosely. “I’m going for a bike ride. If I’m not back, I swerved in front of a car.”

Calvin’s mom looked around the empty lining room. She sighed. Suddenly, she jerked her head at the familiar theme music. She squealed.

“OOOOOOOOOHHH!!! The X-Files!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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