Chapter 11

God’s Purpose

“Kurt,” a masculine voice called out. “Kurt, wake up. We’ve got a ton of work to do before tonight.”

Kurt’s ears heard what was being said to him, but those words really weren’t registering into his head. He was so tired he didn’t even realize that he had found his way back to his trailer the previous night.

The light pouring in through the small trailer window caused his eyes to sting. He felt terrible; whether it was because of the painful experience he put himself through only hours ago, or because of the lack of sleep he missed out on since Trent’s accident.

“Well, don’t complain to me when Margali kicks your blue butt,” Alexi said as he left the trailer, the door shutting behind him.

“Verdammen Sie das Circusprogramm,” Kurt hissed into the pillow he held over his head.

But Kurt didn’t feel like getting lectured by Margali first thing in the morning, though it wouldn’t do her much good because he wasn’t going to perform that night, tomorrow night, or any night.

As the young mutant sat up, the sharp pains in his abdomen and chest struck his brain like a hammer. He immediately fell back down onto his back and stared at the ceiling. His hand came up to feel the bandages under the thin shirt he had worn to bed. He wondered if the cuts were still bleeding.

“You better be up Kurt Wagner,” Margali’s voice called from outside his trailer, but Kurt didn’t hear her moving around outside. She must have just been passing by.

Forcing himself to get up Kurt made his way out of the door and to the picnic tables set up outside in the circle of trailers. Everyone watched him sit himself down slowly, his body very stiff and his eyes shut tight.

“What’s wrong with you?” Amanda asked who was sitting next to him.

“Never you mind,” Kurt replied in a hushed voice.

After a fairly silent breakfast of bacon, sausage and eggs, Margali stood up and asked for everyone’s attention.

“I know this is going to be difficult, but we’ve got to come up with a new show for the rest of the summer tour,” she started. Everyone focused on her; all, that is, except Kurt who stared at his empty plate.

“Basically, I think we can get by with the normal routines, but I’ve come up with another plan to take place of Trent’s act.” She looked over at Kurt, who still avoided her eye contact. “Kurt, after thinking about it, I want you to take over the trapeze show. You’re the next best thing we’ve got.”

Kurt looked up, his yellow eyes wide with shock and his stomach turning into very tight knots. Dozens of pairs of eyes shifted towards him and he felt a terrible pressure land on his shoulders.

“Nein,” he replied simply.

“What?” Amanda asked, surprised he’d turn down the offer. “Kurt, this is what you said you wanted to do.”

“I’ve changed my mind. I won’t do it,” he said.

“Kurt, we need you. Your stunts are wonderful and people will come from all over to see you,” Margali pleaded with him. “You’re the circus’s only hope now.”

“You’ll have to find someone else, Margali,” he replied simply. “I can’t do it. I’m not Trent. And I don’t want to be.” With that he picked himself up and headed to his trailer once again.

He couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to do it. This whole situation wasn’t what he wanted. He never wanted to replace Trent; he felt by becoming the new top act he’d be doing just that. His dream had been performing alongside Trent, not becoming him.

Kurt didn’t have much time for his thoughts when the door opened and Margali came in. She didn’t say a word at first, but merely sat down on the stool by Kurt’s bed. He turned his head, afraid of her expressions.

“Look,” she started. “I know its not easy. Trent meant a lot to all of us, but we can’t live our lives mourning him forever.”

“I can’t replace him,” Kurt said while looking at his feet.

“You’re not replacing him, just kinda continuing his work.”

For the first time in days Kurt’s lips formed a half smirk. “Isn’t that the same thing?”

Margali chuckled lightly. “I guess so,” she replied. She lifted his chin with her fingers and gave him a reassuring look. “I know you can do it, Kurt. You’re the best we have now. And in years to come I know you’ll be the best in Europe, if not the world. You’ve got a great talent, and I don’t want to see that go to waste.”

Kurt sat in his own silence for several minutes, studying Margali’s face, looking at the various posters on the walls of the trailer, and even watching his own tail tap next to him. Finally, a large sigh emitted from his lungs and he shook his head. “I’m sorry…but I’ll do it for you…and for Trent.”

Margali smiled, her heart feeling ten times lighter now. She moved herself to sit next to him on the bed, putting an arm around him and resting her hand on his shoulder. Kurt hissed to himself and pulled away.

“What’s with that?”

Kurt shook his head. “Do I have to come up with my own routine?” He asked quickly, hoping to take her mind off of his reaction to her touch.

“Don’t change the subject. Why did you jump like that? Did you get hurt or something?”

“Not exactly…”

Her soft and easy expression twisted into a stern and forceful one. “Kurt Wagner, what happened? You can’t do tonight’s show if you’re hurt.”

“It doesn’t matter—”

“Kurt!”

BAMF! He wished he hadn’t teleported by the time he reached the tent. Running from Margali wasn’t the answer. He knew he’d have to explain himself eventually, but he didn’t feel like it at that moment. He had enough to worry about with now becoming the new lead acrobat.

Crouching off to the side while he watched several of the workmen setting up the seating stands, Kurt put a hand on his shoulder. The first cuts he gave himself didn’t hurt as much as they did, but he could feel the strain in his muscle. Playing on a trapeze bar wasn’t going to be easy with the newer symbols etched onto him.

Margali had come into the tent with Chester, obviously talking about the arrangements for that night’s show. She didn’t seem to notice her foster son off to the side, and Kurt preferred it that way. He was ashamed of himself for his actions towards her just moments ago. He realized that he was a real insensitive person at times.

Kurt watched as one of the crewmen brought the cross that was used in the skit he had been in while in Sweden. It dawned on Kurt that if he found a church, he might feel better. The only problem he would have was getting into one without being noticed.

Finding the town’s local church was easy enough, but finding his way into it was another story. The costume trailer had proved more useful than he would have thought, having found a hooded cloak he could cover his head with. Luckily the rain hadn’t stopped, so the hooded covering looked a bit more natural than it would have on a bright sunny day.

Being a Tuesday the church was empty of any visitors, although flickering candles placed every five feet told him it wasn’t completely vacant. This particular church wasn’t nearly the size of the one he stumbled upon in Munich a few years ago, but he was still taken in awe at the artwork in statues and stained glass that surrounded him.

Kurt made his way to the front of the alter, his eyes lying upon the crucifix that stood in the center. He bowed his head, and pulled out the rosary beads from his pants pocket. A draft was felt nearby, but it didn’t seem to faze Kurt as he eyed Christ upon the cross.

“So much you have suffered for people like me,” he said softly to himself. “Forgive me for my wrong-doings. I do not deserve the honor being given to me by the circus. I only hope I do not disappoint anyone…”

* * *

For two days Kurt spent a few hours in the church, having nothing else to do because Margali canceled the show due to the weather. And like other days, Kurt returned to the camp to find the area pretty much empty. He supposed everyone hid out in their trailers or other places to avoid the rain. It was another miserable day, and he didn’t enjoy it any more than the others did.

Alexi was stretched out on his cot reading an Irish newspaper he had picked up upon their arrival, not paying much attention to Kurt’s entering form.

Kurt hung up the cloak and his jacket on the closet door then taking a seat on his bed. He looked over at Alexi, who still ignored him, but he didn’t think much of it. He looked around, trying to find something to do, but the only thing he did feel like starting was a good work out. Too lazy to make his way to the tent, Kurt settled with grabbing a pear from the bowl on the makeshift table between the two beds (which happened to be an upside down milk crate).

“Feeling better?”

Kurt looked over to Alexi, although the other mutant didn’t look up from his paper. “I guess so.”

“Where did ya go?”

Kurt shrugged. “Into town. Found a church and hung around there for a while.”

“Does that sort of stuff really help?

“What?”

Alexi put the paper down on his lap and looked up at the blue mutant on the other side of the trailer. He looked very interested in Kurt’s visit to the church for some odd reason. “That religion stuff. Does it really help?”

Kurt raised an eyebrow. “If you let it….” He thought about what he had said. For the past few hours he had forgotten about the symbols on his stomach, chest, and arms. And now he realized why he had done what he did. “God works in mysterious ways…and if you let him, he can lead you to the right path.”

Alexi stared at him for a moment, and then started laughing. “You know, I just don’t get you sometimes. Two days ago you were pissed off at the world, and now you’re all ‘God is wonderful’ and stuff.”

Kurt looked at him, not sure what had brought this up in the first place. “I have my beliefs, you have yours. I think that’s fair enough.”

“Sure, Kurt. Whatever you say.” Alexi looked up at the clock on the wall and jumped off of his cot. “Time to get going. Surprisingly Margali isn’t canceling the show with this rain. No one will come.”

Kurt watched Alexi pull on a sweatshirt and leave without uttering another word. He didn’t care what people thought of him with his faith. He needed it. Without it—without God, who would love him?

A knock on the door startled Wagner and he jumped up to answer it. “Amanda?” He started as she smiled and made her way into the trailer and out of the rain.

“My mom said to bring this to you.” She held up a hanger holding something that was covered in a black plastic.

“What is it?” He asked as he took it from her and unzipped the zipper on the plastic. His eyes widened when he saw a sparkling yellow costume.

“I thought the yellow was a bit much, but she was insistent on it,” Amanda said sitting down. “She had it made for you before we left Germany, but she wasn’t going to give it you until after this summer’s tour.”

“She knew that I’d be taking over the lead roles and stuff?”

“She had plans. Trent didn’t want the spotlight anymore or something and was willing to switch places with you—you take the show and he do the skit.”

Kurt held up the two-piece uniform and looked it over carefully. Simple yellow pants with a dark blue strip on either side of the legs, and a yellow long-sleeved shirt that would be very form fitting once it was on.

“Well don’t just stand their gawking at it, silly,” Amanda smiled. “Try it on.”

Kurt nodded and yanked the fabric off the hanger and let it fall to his cot. Amanda watched as he tugged his shirt over his head and a gasp escaped her mouth.

Kurt looked up at her; “What?”

“What…Kurt…you’re body!” A hand made its way up to cover her mouth, her eyes wide and gazing at his upper body.

“What abo—” He knew what she was staring at. He had taken the bandages off that morning when he discovered they were no longer bleeding. If figured it was best to let the air get at them. “Amanda, its not as bad as it looks,” he explained. “They’re actually healing quickly, to my surprise and—”

“To hell with healing, Kurt! What did you do to yourself?”

He put his shirt back on so she’d stop staring at him. “Amanda, look…it was my decision. Its my way of dissolving my sins.”

“Dissolving your sins? Kurt Wagner, what’s happening to you? Where’s that little kid that I grew up with that used to steal my dolls or try to take a peak at my diary?”

“Amanda, I’m still the same person—I’ve just…”

“You’re not even fifteen and you’re acting like your some kind of old priest or whatnot. Jeez, Kurt.” She got up and started for the door.

“Amanda! Amanda, why do you care?”

“Care? Kurt, for God’s sake! Sometimes you’re so thickheaded and blind!”

Kurt’s tail dropped to the floor as the door slammed behind Amanda’s retreating figure. Perhaps it was a mistake to carve symbols into his skin, but he felt it was the only way he could be lifted of his sins seeing he’s unable to go to confession like other people. This was his only way to ask for forgiveness.

Whether Amanda approved or not, Kurt would finish his work once the rest of his body healed. Right now he didn’t think he could handle what he had now plus more before the rest felt better.

Taking a large sigh, Kurt finished trying on the jumpsuit Margali had gotten him. It was a pretty good fit, but for some reason he couldn’t believe that he belonged in such an outfit. As he took the suit off and changed into the devil costume, Kurt noticed one of his cuts were bleeding again. He thanked the Lord that it had missed the yellow jumpsuit, but then he realized something. Perhaps becoming Margali’s star acrobat was the path God wanted him to take. Perhaps this was what he was made for. It was the only explanation.

A much better feeling for life washed over Kurt when he left the trailer to meet up with the rest of the crew in the tent. Visiting the church had helped, but now he felt he had a purpose in this world. And he would do his finest to make the best of his abilities.

*******

German Translations: Verdammen Sie das Circusprogramm-Damn the circus [program]

Nein-No