Rated PG-13 for mild language and mild action violence
This is a very screwed up parody of the Playstation game Metal Gear Solid.
The opening scene has Snake swimming around in a child's 10" backyard pool.
SOLID SNAKE:Colonel, can you hear me?
COLONEL CAMPBELL:*Standing three feet away from Snake*yeah
SOLID SNAKE:How does talking in a paper cup allow a person to talk from longer distances?
COLONEL CAMPBELL:Beats the heck out of me. But just try to stop the terroists from dropping a water balloon on the white house. They demanded two cents but the government was too cheep to give in.
SOLID SNAKE:hey Genome Soldier, could I see that machine gun of yours?
GENOME SOLDIER:okay
SOLID SNAKE:*takes gun and kills all the Genome Soldiers and gets in the elevator.*
COLONEL CAMPBELL:*still standing three feet away*Now you are going to have to get in the air vent.
SOLID SNAKE:Hey how did you get here?
COLONEL CAMPBELL:the stairs, they were unguarded.
SOLID SNAKE:well, why the heck didn't you tell me that?
COLONEL CAMPBELL:I'm supposed to keep things from you.
Snake jumped in the air vent then received a call on his codec.
LIQUID SNAKE disguised as MASTER MILLER:Hello Snake
SNAKE:Master? no it's Liquid!
LIQUID:WHAT? How the hell did you know?
SNAKE:No sunglasses and the hair.
LIQUID:Screw those animators.
SNAKE:*pulls out SOCOM and starts shooting Liquid.*
LIQUID:hey I can't die yet.*runs away*
Snake drops down from the vent then and takes the elevator.
SNAKE:DAMN! the elevator music is getting on my nerves.*pulls out SOCOM and blasts the radio*
SNAKE:I gotta find the DARPA Chief.
Snake dropped from the air vent into the cell the DARPA Chief was.
DECOY OCTOPUS disguised as DARPA CHIEF:who are you?
SNAKE:You Donald Ander- wait youre Decoy Octopus!
DECOY OCTOPUS:Dang! I knew I needed more than a fake mustache.
SNAKE:oookay
SNAKE:Wait, is it possible for the Terroists to launch the water balloon?
DECOY OCTOPUS:no, theyre just a bunch of idiots.
SNAKE:HEY! how come you're helping me?
DECOY OCTOPUS:because I'm an idiot.
SNAKE:...
DECOY OCTOPUS:WHY!????
SNAKE:huh?
DECOY OCTOPUS:FOXDIE!!!!!!
SNAKE:foxdie? isn't it a little early to find out that?
DECOY OCTOPUS:No, because it turns people into....BARNEY!!!
SNAKE:DAMN!!!
*The music that plays when you fight a boss plays*
Snake pulls out the SOCOM and shoots the living crap out of Barney. Then he pulls out his Codec.
SNAKE:NAOMI!! What the heck happened?
NAOMI:HAHAHA- er I mean he kinda had a heart attack.
SNAKE:LIAR!!
NAOMI:Shut up and do your mission.
SNAKE:*swearing under his breath*
CAMPBELL:SNAKE!!
SNAKE:Mei Ling save the freaking game.
MEI LING:I can't you lost the memory card.
SNAKE:...
Snake walks out then Meryl pulls a gun on him.
SNAKE:get that gun out of my face you fool!
MERYL:I am a rookie
SNAKE:oookay
20 Genome Soldiers come in.
SNAKE:*pulls out his SOCOM*DIE!!!*kills all the soldiers*
MERYL:Thanks for the help.
SNAKE:Why the hell are you walking like that?
MERYL:because I'm an idiot
SNAKE:I gotta get out of this nuthouse.
Snake goes to B2, then gets a call.
CAMPBELL:They are holes in the walls
NAOMI:You can hit them and hear nothing and they should look like they're invisible.
SNAKE:I KNOW WHAT A HOLE IN THE WALL LOOKS LIKE YOU IDIOTS!!!!
SNAKE:*walks through the hole in the wall and finds Revolver Ocelot and Kenneth Baker*
OCELOT:So its Snake! Hmmmm... DRAW!!
SNAKE:*pulls out pen and paper then draws a gun*
OCELOT:WOW! you're just like the boss said.
NINJA:*comes in wearing stealth camo(a white blanket over his head)*
BAKER:Stealth Camouflage?
NINJA:*bangs plastic sword on Ocelot's wrist.
OCELOT:What the hell do you think you're doing?
NINJA:I am trying to cut your hand off.
OCELOT:We'll meet again Snake,*runs off*
SNAKE:*pulls out SOCOM*Who are you?
NINJA:I am like you, I have to get out of this nuthouse.*runs off*
SNAKE:Baker, can you talk?
BAKER:yeah, but what do you want?
SNAKE:Do you have a security card or something?
BAKER:a level 2*hands Snake a level 2 card*
SNAKE:Do they have your code?
BAKER:Yeah...I...talked
SNAKE:You fool, what the hell did they do to you anyway?
BAKER:They made me watch a episode of Barney and threw water balloons at me.
SNAKE:...
BAKER:Those Pentogon freaks they went and did it!
SNAKE:DAMN!! NOT FOXDIE AGAIN!!!!!!*pulls out SOCOM and blasts Barney then pulls out codec and dials 140.85*
SNAKE:NAOMI, you traitor you injected me with Foxdie!
NAOMI:yeaaaah.....
SNAKE:*breaks Codec*scratch that! Now I can get some real work done.*steps outside then is hit by a landmine*DAMN! why did I break the codec Deepthroat would have warned me!
Just then a tank came with Vulcan Raven in there.
RAVEN:This is raven territory!
SNAKE:Who the heck do you think you are, The Baltimore Ravens?
RAVEN:EAT THIS!!*Fires Tank's main gun*
SNAKE:*jumps on top of the gun and throws gernades in the hatch*
A Genome Soldier goes flying.
SOLDIER:YAHOOOOO!!!!!
SNAKE:I need your card.
SOLDIER:okay you can have it but get back to me by Tuesday okay?
SNAKE:ummm.... yeah if I remember.*opens door*Damn! they closed the door all the way! How am I going to crawl through?*puts down a C4 and explodes it opening the door*
SOLDIER:What was that noise?
SNAKE:Nothing
SOLDIER:o
SNAKE:*gets in the elevator*Dang elevator music*pulls out FAMAS and blasts the radio*
SNAKE:hmmmmmm..... the scientist Hal Emmerich is here put the room is filled with gas and the floor is electrified.*fixes codec then calls Deepthroat*
DEEPTHROAT:Hey, how did you know my frequency?
SNAKE:Just a feeling, so how do I destroy the power switch?
DEEPTHROAT:You need a remote controlled car
SNAKE:WHAT?Okay here it goes.*drives rc car into the switch and it explodes.*OOOOOkay*walks into the room to find dead soldiers.*
GENOME SOLDIER:It's a ghost a ghost!!
SNAKE:What? it looks like they were shot to death.*walks in the room and finds Otacon and Ninja*
NINJA:You die now!*cocks gun*
OTACON:NO!!!!
SNAKE:Hey Ninja!
NINJA:What?
SNAKE:Let's fight!
NINJA:Okay, but only a fool doesn't trust his life in a weapon!*fires gun*
SNAKE:Gotta go with ya there.*shoots FAMAS at Ninja*
NINJA:AAHHH! I'm losing myself, I gotta get out of this nuthouse!!!!*runs away*
SNAKE:odd, wonder what Grey Fox would have said about him.
*Codec rings*
SNAKE:DAMN!
CAMPBELL:HI SNAKE!!!!
SNAKE:Jeez, Colonel you don't help me at all.*hangs up*
OTACON:Is he gone?
SNAKE:Yeah, I guess you can say that.
OTACON:anyways the only reason I got into science is because I wanted to make giant robot like in the Japanese anime Gundam Wing and take over the world.
SNAKE:o that's nice
OTACON:here's a level 4 card
SNAKE:*calls Meryl*
MERYL:Snake I'm at-*static*
SNAKE:something's wrong! I gotta go save Meryl
Snake has to take the elevator to B1.
SNAKE:Dang elevator music! At least its only "The Best is yet to Come"
The elevator plays the next song which turns out to be the theme to Barney.
SNAKE:AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! *throws chaff gernades*
When Snake gets off the elevator he sees a soldier that walks just like Meryl.
SNAKE:ITS YOU!!
SOLDIER:*runs to the women's bathroom*
When Snake goes into the women's bathroom Meryl pulls gun on him.
SNAKE:did you run here to hide from me?
MERYL:No, I just had to pee.
SNAKE:ooooooookay
MERYL:let's get to the commander's room.
Meryl and Snake walk into the commander's room.
MERYL:AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! my head hurts!
SNAKE:well, there's some Aspirin in the back of the Nuclear Warhead Storage Building.
MERYL:*gun in hand*Do you like me?
SNAKE:not really why?
MERYL:do you like me?
SNAKE:would you just shut the hell up?!!
MANTIS:I am Psycho Mantis and I have my own Psychic hotline!
SNAKE:fine, then tell me what will happen in the future
MANTIS:hmmmmmm.....let's see. In the the future you will kill me!
SNAKE:cool!*pulls out FAMAS and blasts Mantis*
MANTIS:*dies*
MERYL:*disappears to the other side of the cave*
SNAKE:hey how did you do that?
MERYL:Do what?
SNAKE:now I have to put up with the dogs
Snake walks up to Meryl with dog bites all over him.
MERYL:thought you were good with dogs
SNAKE:just shut up!
Meryl then has a sniper rifle pointed at her.
SNAKE:Meryl, get down!
MERYL:*starts dancing and all the bullets miss by inches but then one finally hits her*
SNAKE:not that kind of down!*codec rings*
OTACON:you will need a PSG1 to fight Wolf with. It in the-
SNAKE:I know, I know its in the Nuclear Warhead
Storage Building.
OTACON:actually I was going to say right beside you.
SNAKE:oh, okay thanks*hangs up**grabs PSG1**codec rings*
CAMPBELL:you don't really need to use the PSG1 just go up to Wolf and blast her with your FAMAS.
SNAKE:okay*hangs up**runs up to Wolf without getting hit and pulls out FAMAS*
WOLF:no you can't!
SNAKE:oh and why not?
WOLF:It would ruin the challenge!
SNAKE:lame excuse!*fires FAMAS*
Just then two guards come in.
GUARD:FREEZE!
SNAKE:why should I? you have low IQs.
GUARD:because that's how the game goes.
SNAKE:dang programmers!
Snake is taken to the torture chamber.
LIQUID:do you think there is a resemblance?
SNAKE:no! I don't resemble crap in anyway!
LIQUID:what? was that complement?
SNAKE:no you idiot!
LIQUID:why thank you Snake! maybe you're not so bad after all.
OCELOT:now I will torture you. Press the O button to regain your strength and select to submit. any questions?
SNAKE:yeah, can we just not do this?
OCELOT:no, I will make you listen to annoyin elevator music!
SNAKE:hmm....maybe the Otacon ending is okay*presses select before the music starts*
OCELOT:so you are human. Guards take him away!
Snake is put in a cell and finds the DARPA chief dead. The guard left to go to the bathroom.
OTACON:Snake I brought you some food.
SNAKE:who needs food? just get me the hell out of here!
OTACON:but I don't have the card! jeez he coming back*runs away*
SNAKE:hey, Guard, can I see that gun and that card?
GUARD:okay
SNAKE:*opens door and shoots the guard.*
Snake goes to Tower A. But 25 Genome Soldiers are after him.
SNAKE:*fires FAMAS* DIE!!!!!!!!!*kills all the Genome Soldiers*
When Snake gets to the roof of the tower, Liquid is pushing a 2" toy helicopter around.
SNAKE:Liquid, what the hell do you think you're doing?
LIQUID:circling around you Snake.
SNAKE:*calls Otacon on codec*Is there any weapon I can use against him?
OTACON:no, just step on the toy and push Liquid off the top of the tower.
SNAKE:umm....okay*hangs up*
LIQUID:what's the matter Snake? scared?
SNAKE:*steps on toy helicopter and pushes Liquid off the edge of Tower B*
SNAKE:see you in he- err I mean the Land of Bunnies, Liquid.
After Snake defeated Liquid, he received a call from Otacon.
OTACON:The elevator working again.
SNAKE:Did you fix it?
OTACON:It just started working again.
SNAKE:huh?
OTACON:And I turned off the elevator music for you.
SNAKE:uhhh, thanks*hangs up*
Snake tried to get on the elevator but it said it was over the weight limit.
SNAKE:What! must a gained a little extra pounds.*codec rings*
OTACON:there's something I forgot to tell you
SNAKE:what?
OTACON:Well, there were four stealth suits in my lab
SNAKE:yeah...
OTACON:so, I thought I might get one for you, but when I went back to my lab there were gone
SNAKE:huh?
OTACON:LOOK OUT SNAKE! THE FOUR GUYS ARE IN THERE WITH YOU!!!
GENOME SOLDIER:Too late Snake you die now!
SNAKE:*pulls out FAMAS before any of the soldiers can draw and kills them all*
When Snake gets out of the elevator, he goes outside to the snowfield, and is then shot.
SNAKE:hey what the...?*codec rings*OTACON! were there any other stealth suits in the lab?
OTACON:no, but it's Sniper Wolf
SNAKE:Wolf?
OTACON:Snake, promise me one thing,
SNAKE:what?
OTACON:kill that *beep*
SNAKE:okay sure*hangs up*
Snake easily beat Wolf and walked up to her.
WOLF:I am a Kurd and I lived through war after war until he came.
SNAKE:who?
WOLF:Saladin
SNAKE:Saladin?! what the hell?!! you are a dirty
Saracen who fought against the Christians in the Holy Crusades.
WOLF:No, not that Saladin, I meant Big Boss
SNAKE:Big Boss? Liquid told me he was my daddy
WOLF:but you are a hero, who are you Saladin?
SNAKE:no, I prefer Richard the Lion-Hearted of England
OTACON:SNAKE! what the hell are you waiting for? Just kill her!
SNAKE:You are lungshot, I cannot save you!
WOLF:NO! wait, give me my rifle, it is part of me
SNAKE:yeah, you'll just shoot me when you get it!
WOLF:Damn!
OTACON:Snake, just kill the *beep*
SNAKE:okay, *fires SOCOM at Wolf*
After Snake came went around the snowfield looking for items, he came to the Blast Furnace.
After Snake passed the blast furnace he used the cargo elevator to go to the warehouse.
RAVEN:This is raven territory
SNAKE:hey you were the one in the tank, must have been a tight fit for a big boy like you.
RAVEN:tell me about it.
SNAKE:huh?
RAVEN:uh nothing
SNAKE:hey look its Trent Dilfer and Ray Lewis
RAVEN:REALLY? WHERE? *looks behind him*
SNAKE:*fires Stinger at Vulcan Raven*
RAVEN:aahh! wait the DARPA Chief you saw die was not really the DARPA Chief. He was Decoy Octopus.
SNAKE:I know that but why impersonate the chief?
RAVEN:That is the end of the hint.*dies*
Snake went to the underground base and saw Metal Gear Rex then stood on top of it and saw two people in a skybooth. He used his scope for a better view and found out they were Ocelot and Liquid!
SNAKE:So its them.
After Snake took out the guard he walked to place where Liquid and Ocelot were, and listened to them.
OCELOT:Shall we drop the water balloon on Russia?
LIQUID:No, there's been a new target, China.
OCELOT:why?
LIQUID:because I said so!
SNAKE:hmm...I wonder why they're not going to drop it on the white house, maybe the government could be part of this operation.*codec rings*
OTACON:Snake, I hacked into Baker's files. The Pal Key changes shapes at different temperatures. You input the Pal Keys at room, cold, and hot temperatures.
SNAKE:okay got it.
OCELOT:huh? WHO'S THERE?!
SNAKE:dang it!
OCELOT:*shoots Pal Key out of Snake's hand*
SNAKE:NO!!!!!*Codec rings*
CAMPBELL:Snake, you have to go get it!
SNAKE:okay,*dives into acid water*
Snake runs through the acid water looking for the Pal Key and finally finds it and runs back up to the skybooth where Liquid and Ocelot were.
SNAKE:hmm...they're gone. I guess I'll just input the room temperature key.
After Snake put in the cold tempurature key and the hot the alarm started.
SNAKE:What? Why?!*codec rings*
OTACON:Snake, I hacked into security, I'm opening the door.
SNAKE:okay thanks.
When Snake rushed out of the room he saw Liquid.
SNAKE:Liquid! what the hell?*pulls out SOCOM*
LIQUID:You point a weapon at your own brother?
SNAKE:You would do the same, you idiot!
LIQUID:so...
SNAKE:huh?
LIQUID:*jumps in Metal Gear Rex* hahahahaha-*chokes*
SNAKE:NO!!!!!
LIQUID:You will die now Snake, because the Pal Keys turned it on not off!
SNAKE:*pulls out Stinger and blasts Rex*did that do it?
LIQUID:SNAKE!!!! you die now!
Just then Grey Fox comes.
SNAKE:Grey Fox?
FOX:my name from long ago. It sounds better than Deepthroat.
SNAKE:so its you!
FOX:*fires gun at Rex*
LIQUID:AAHHH!!
FOX:Snake, I killed Naomi's parents, so I raised Naomi like my own blood to sooth my guilty conscience.
SNAKE:really?
FOX:no not really, I did it because that's how this game goes, but Snake I give you one last present from Deepthroat.
SNAKE:Fox! no!!!
LIQUID:THERE YOU ARE!!!*shines flash light that looks like a laser beam on Fox's arm*
FOX:what the heck do you think you're doing?
LIQUID:I'm trying to cut your arm off!
FOX:*blasts Rex*Snake, we're not tools of the government or anyone else, I always fought for what I believed in.
LIQUID:AAAHHH!!!!! You fools! you destroyed it!
FOX:*runs off*
LIQUID:DAMN! I failed to kill Fox too.*shoots Snake*
SNAKE:huh?*gets shot*
Once again Snake is brought to the torture chamber.
OCELOT:Now Snake if you submit we will drop a water balloon containing more water than the Atlantic Ocean on the White House. okay?
SNAKE:uhhhh...no
OCELOT:good, I will make you watch an episode of Barney.
SNAKE:NOOO!!!!! You win!
OCELOT:So, you're human after all. guards take him away.
SNAKE:not so fast!*breaks loose and grabs SOCOM pistol and Sneaking Suit*
OCELOT:NO!!!
SNAKE:*runs off back to the where Rex was*
SNAKE:*codec rings*(sad,soft music plays)Colonel, I'm sorry. I gave into my pain, I gave into my fears, Now the President has drowned by now.
CAMPBELL:No, Snake, remember what Liquid and Ocelot said?
SNAKE:huh? what?
CAMPBELL:they said that they would drop the real one on China. The one they dropped on the White House is the size of a normal water balloon.
SNAKE:yeah, that makes sense, Ocelot was bluffing.
CAMPBELL:Snake, you can still complete the mission Snake.
SNAKE:okay
MEANWHILE AT THE WHITE HOUSE...
SOLIDUS:*water balloon falls on him*DAMN! and this is a brand new suit too!
BACK TO SNAKE...
Snake climbed on top of Rex to meet Liquid.
SNAKE:So its you again.
LIQUID:yeah, but the real water balloon is too big to fit in the launcher so we are making it stay here and it will explode in 10 minutes!
SNAKE:No!
LIQUID:and there's Meryl right there.
SNAKE:Meryl?
LIQUID:HAHAHAHA!!!*trips on himself and falls off Rex*
SNAKE:that was a little too easy.*runs to Meryl*Meryl we have to get out of here.
MERYL:Snake? it was terrible they through water balloons at me and made me listen to elevator music.
SNAKE:Meryl, c'mon let's get out of here.
OTACON:Hey, they've been dropping smaller water balloons here and the water is 4 feet deep now.
SNAKE:instead of taking a jeep, we will need a motor boat.*codec rings*
HOUSEMAN:Hello, Snake I am Jim Houseman and Roy Campbell has been arrested for being an idiot.
SNAKE:thanks, I can't argue with that*hangs up*
Snake, Meryl, and Otacon all jump in the motor boat and were stopped at a check point.
GENOME SOLDIER:*on Jetski*FREEZE!*fires gun*
SNAKE:*fires machine gun and kills the soldiers*
LIQUID:*It's not over yet!
SNAKE:Liquid! no!
LIQUID:*falls out of boat and drowns*
OTACON:Look Snake daylight!*boat hits a pebble and goes flying*
SNAKE:Otacon, Meryl, can you move?
OTACON:no
SNAKE:wonder what happened to Liquid.
OTACON:I don't know but I hope he's dead
SNAKE:Liquid is dead
LIQUID:SNAAAAAAKE!!!!!*cocks gun*
SNAKE:uh oh!
LIQUID:*echoes*FO....
LIQUID:*echoes*....FOX?.....
SNAKE:*echoes*die
LIQUID:*turns in to Barney*
SNAKE:AAAHHHH!!!!!
LIQUID:*falls off the cliff and dies*
SNAKE:*codec rings*Colonel? what happened?
CAMPBELL:Jim Houseman was placed under arrest for being an idiot but I was released after they saw my License to be an Idiot.
SNAKE:ookay.
CAMPBELL:Snake you completed the mission, no one really expected you to come back alive!
SNAKE:will I get a hero's welcome?
CAMPBELL:no, the government is too cheap to do that.
SNAKE:darn
CAMPBELL:Snake, well I guess we won't meet again.
SNAKE:hey, maybe I pay you a visit(as much as I would hate to)
CAMPBELL:really? I'll look forward to that(not really)
SNAKE:*hangs up*
Meryl had gone to the helicopter to get picked up but Snake and Otacon were on a snowmobile.
OTACON:so where to Snake?
SNAKE:my real name is David, Otacon
OTACON:Dave Thomas?
SNAKE:no, David Hayter
OTACON:I'm Hal, Dave.
SNAKE:o that's right, Hal. Hmm... Hal & Dave, that's a good one*laughs*
OTACON:so where you going, Dave?
SNAKE:I going to look for a new path, a new purpose
OTACON:will you find it?
SNAKE:I know I'll find it*drives off*
MEANWHILE...
OCELOT:The whole section drowned
SOLIDUS:And they're still alive? oh well I'll just fight him in Metal Gear Solid 2:Sons of LibertyŠ
THE END
That's the End of METAL GEAR HOLLOW:Tactical Espionace StupidityŽ*credits play*
