>3WAMST 2K >- >WWWA Mystery Science Theatre 2000 >- >:CAST call:: >Battlekrome: >Yuri: I am not a Ditz! >Leona Ozaki: My tank isn't slow!! >Aooga - Aooga - Aooga >Battle: dive, dive! >KaosQu: Waitaminute... Mystery Science Theatre!! I thought I was going to read a GOOD fic, get me- *KLONK* >Battle holding a Mallet behind them >Battle: No one expects the butterfly >FANFIC ALERT >10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...0 Happy New Year! Here's something stupid for y'all >Battle and Yuri: Yaah! __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? >Battle: nope >Yuri: I Aol does that count? >Leona: no but I yodel does that count? Talk to your friends online with Yahoo! Messenger. http://im.yahoo.com -- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar -- -- File: Anormalday.txt -- Desc: Anormalday.txt Disclaimer: Insert legal stuff where I say I don't own Eva and am not making any money off it here. >Battle: neither are we! >Yuri: neither is Tyd >Tyd: hey! Warning: Much like the End of Evangelion movie, This fic makes absolutely no sense. >Battle: EVA is one of those WWD series >Yuri: WWD? >Battle: watch while drunk >KaosQu: *gets up and rubs head* I sure feel it... []= signifies that the character is speaking from a comm link >KaosQu: Whoah! Comm Link, that's a first; give a point for originality! >Rest: ::sweatdrop:: names of speakers will only be indicated in case of conversations involving more than one character. In the event that you find conversations that you can't understand because of this, don't worry, they were never meant to be understood. >Battle: Whoo something completely meaningless! >Yuri: Doesn't that include what you just said? >Battle: Yep A Normal Day by Jose Argao >Battle: An abnormal day >Yuri: by God Knows who It's a normal day at the Katsuragi residence. Asuka and Shinji are fighting over what to watch on TV. >KaosQu: Hold up a minute... Shinji? Fighting?? Uh... >Battle: Usually they're at each others throats >Yuri: Reminds me of Kei Taking the remote from Asuka, Shinji changes the channel. >KaosQu: To one with lots of bad stuff his mother would not approve of. >Eva 01 rips open the top of the apartment and waves its finger menacingly "I was here first, I want to watch the blue screen!" >KaosQu: I take that back... >Battle hands a That to Kaos. >KaosQu: Takes the That and whacks Battle over the head with it. >Battle: hey Thats like that one are hard to find in good condition! Retrieving the remote, Asuka changes the channel again. "Shut up, Baka! The blue screen is so boring! I want to watch the red screen!" >KaosQu: Is it just me, or is this stupid? >Yuri: Nope just you. >KaosQu: Does that mean I'm unique? *Looks hopeful* >Battle:nope your normal like all the other crazies out there This goes on for some time, neither side willing to give in to the other. Exasperated, Misato decides to take matters into her own hands. Taking the remote, she switches the channel over to a purple screen. >KaosQu: Alright, purple!! Finally, a GOOD color! >Battle: Yeah they painted EVA 01 it Shinji's eyes light up. "It's blue!" Asuka's eyes brighten up as well. "And yet red at the same time!" >KaosQu: Damn you all!! It's PURPLE, PURPLE!! >Battle mallets Kaos >All: Yah! The second and third children sit there mesmerized for some time. In fact, thoughout this fic, one would notice that almost everything they do takes "some time" what exactly does "some time" mean? It could be anything from a few minutes to a couple of hours. Anyway, they are interrupted by >KaosQu: their sudden, very violent seizures from staring at flashing colors waaaay too long. the sudden ringing of the alarms.Why would the author even have to indicate that the alarms started ringing "suddenly"? It's not as if alarms can "slowly" start to ring. >Battle: Alarms can ring slowly if you're on a bad heroin trip Major Katsuragi acts quickly. Finishing off her beer, she proceeds to declare the obvious. >KaosQu: Misato: We're out of beer!! >Battle: Dang out of mallets! >KaosQu: *Throws mallets in a conveniently placed recycle bin* "Angel attack." >Battle: Angel attack! get the popcorn! >Yuri: Buttered or Chocolated? >Battle: both! Back at NERV, the whole bridge crew is staring intently at the large screen in front of them. Not that there's anything else to stare intently at. >KaosQu: And I suppose Ritsuko and Maya are there JUST as plot devices... Dr. Akagi is restless. "Where are the children? Maya, what's the status of the pilots?" >KaosQu: Maya: Two are spasming in pain on the ground with white fluids flowing from their mouths and the other might as well be. "Well, sempai, I'm pretty sure they're all single, but since all their personal records have been erased..." >Battle: This brings out how hopeless the sex lives of the bridge bunnies are (Ritsuko sweatdrops) "No, I mean will they be arriving anytime soon?" >KaosQu: Doctor: Code blue, code blue! >Battle: We have a Code blue in Delivery room one! (Maya sweatdrops) "Oh! In that case, Major Katsuragi has already phoned and informed me that she already has Shinji and Asuka. They are en route to pick up Rei now. >Battle: the one and only Mihoshi School of Driving! Considering the Major's total disregard for any and all traffic laws, they should be here in ten minutes or so." >KaosQu: Let's do some Math here. It takes 10 minutes for a bunch of mentally unstable kids to drive through deserted streets to an underground base and protect the world, and about one second for one Angel to blow through 15 super- strong layers of armor. Can someone tell me why the world's still in one piece? "Good. What about the angel?" >KaosQu: Maya: Oh, you mean that big ugly thing that's already broken into the Geofront and is about 3 seconds away from smashing into Central Dogma and destroying the world? "What _about_ the angel?" (exasperated) "When will it be arriving?" "The Magi estimate that it will arrive within the vicinity of the Geofront in fifteen minutes." "Can you get a visual on screen?" >KaosQu: Nabiki: What's it worth to you? "Yes, sempai." The screen shows a familiar yellow rodent electrocuting its opponent, a turtle squirting water off it's mouth. >KaosQu: *Ducks under a conveniently-placed chair* Seizures!! >BattOhki: MIYAH! >Battle: Dang cabbits go watch your own MST!! You know i'm going to regret saying that (Ritsuko sweatdrops)"I meant a visual _of the angel_." "Oh! Gomen, sempai." The large screen in front of them begins to show the newest angel. It is very large. Aside from dozens of sharp spikes on its body, >KaosQu: Uh... I didn't want to know that... it is spherical in shape. It seems to be hovering above the ground. Maya makes an astute observation. "Oh my! Such a kawaii angel." >Battle: Yuri you're not going to say anything? >Yuri: it doesn't match my criteria >Leona: Male and not dead? >Yuri: yep (Ritsuko sweatdrops again) "Maya, if you do not cease these inane comments of yours, you will completely dehydrate me." (head hung low) "Yes, sempai." >KaosQu: Maya: I was bad, please punish me! "Still, you have a point. If it wasn't for the fact that it's hundreds of times larger than a normal person and covered with those weird spike thingies, >KaosQu: Again, I didn't want to know that... it would make a nice pet." >Battle: Wonder what you'd need to clean up after it. Dump trucks? >KaosQu: Wonder what you'd need to feed it in the first place, Evas? At that point, Major Katsuragi arrives with the children in tow. >KaosQu: Wow! A ten-minute conversation in exactly... 107 words! >Battle: You kept count? >Yuri: You were paying that much attention? >KaosQu: Correct. *Pulls out a pair of glasses and puts them on, letting the light catch on them for dramatic effect. Soon passes out from dizziness* "We're here! What's the status of the angel!?!" >KaosQu: Next to Lilith and causing an impact. "Well, angels don't really have a social life so I suppose it's single. But I really think you can do better than an angel, Major. I'm sure Kaji would..." >Battle: Wonder how much Maya thinks about sex during an angel attack >Yuri: probably as much as Misato >KaosQu: Wonder why Battle keeps thinking about Maya and sex in the same thought. (Misato sweatdrops) "What's it doing?" (Maya sweatdrops) "Oh! it's just floating there." "Really? What's the status of... I mean, are the children ready?" "Hai! I'll put them on the comm link now." >KaosQu: Ooooooooo! The most interesting part of this story! (Smaller screens appear showing the three pilots) [Asuka] "Unit 02 ready to rumble." [Rei] "Unit 00 prepared for battle." [Shinji] "uh..." Misato "Shinji, what's wrong! Say your catchy phrase now!" [Shinji] "But... I haven't thought of one yet." >KaosQu: Shinji: I'm sorry, I'm so patethic, I don't deserve to live. Bruce Cambell was much better than me. Misato "Damn! Activate and launch units 00 and 02. In the meantime, I'll help Shinji think of a catchy phrase that suits him." Maya "Yes, Major!" "Oh, and Maya, why is it so damn wet here? You'd think NERV was getting flooded or something!" (Maya sweatdrops) "Well, everyone was sweatdropping and..." >KaosQu: *snaps finger* So THAT was why nobody else said anything! They were too busy drowning! >Battle floats by (Misato sweatdrops) "Nevermind, I think I can guess." While units 02 and 00 are launching to the surface, Unit 01 sits in its cage, unable to launch. Misato "Shinji, can't you think of something?" [Shinji] "I... I... can't" Misato (to the commander) "Sir, Unit 01 unable to launch!" Higher up on the bridge, Gendo turns to Fuyutsuki. (hands steepled in front of him) "Fuyutsuki, I shall leave this situation up to you." "Very well sir. (turns to Misato) Leave Unit 01 in its cage for now. Concentrate on helping Units 00 and 02." Misato "Oh my God! I forgot >KaosQu: my beer! all about them!" Misato turns toward the bridge bunnies to find them eating popcorn, watching the battle unfold on screen." "What the hell are you all doing?" Hyuga turns toward her and hands her a bowl. "Oh, gomen nasai Major. Did you want some?" "Thank you. What's happening at the surface?" "Well, Unit 02 is currently being thrashed by that angel with it's spike thingies and Unit 00 hasn't moved yet." >KaosQu: Yeah, go angel! Damn Evas, attacking a peace-loving angel that was just floatin' there with it's... uh... spike... thingies... "Huh! Why not?" "Nobody has given Rei any orders yet." "Oh. (turning to the screen) Rei, do something." >KaosQu: Dance, puppet, DANCE!! Unit 00 sits down and starts relaxing. "I meant do something to fight the angel. Sheesh! I'm surrounded by wise guys." >Battle, Yuri and Leona waring gold embroidered robes and fake beards >Battle: Frankesence >Yuri: Myr >Leona: Gold! That's when Maya remembers something from a seminar she attended. "Major, the P.C. term for that would be wise _person_." >KaosQu: Hmph. Show-off... "Maya?" "Yes, Major?" "Shut up." Unit 00 then starts moving towards the angel. Suddenly, a shrill voice emanates from the comm link. "What about me? What am _I_ supposed to do?" "Use your progressive knife or something. It's not like doing anything would help, anyway. Unit 02 _always_ gets trashed." At the mention of the progressive knife, Shinji remembers a question he wanted to ask. "Misato-san, why do we call it a progressive _knife_? It's as big as a house. Why not progressive _sword_?" "Gee, I don't really know." (turns to Ritsuko looking thoughtful in the corner) "Ritsuko, why _do_ we call it a progressive _knife_?" The scientist looks at her and pauses. Anticipating the answer, Misato and the bridge bunnies also pause. Gendo and Fuyutsuki also turn to look at her. Shinji momentarily stops his catchy phrase brainstorming. On the surface, Unit 02 stops squirming from underneath the angel who was pinning it. Unit 00 stops in mid-air from where it is poised to deliver a blow to the angel. Feeling a need to conform, the angel also takes a brake from thrashing Unit 02. >Battle, Yuri and Leona also feeling a need to conform tie up Kaos with duct tape and attach him to the ceiling. >KaosQu: How cliche. I can already predict what she's going to say. "I... I... (sweatdrops) I don't really know!" >KaosQu: And next someone will facefault. Misato facefaults. The bridge bunnies facefault. Sub Commander Fuyutsuki also facefaults. Shinji facefaults, causing Unit 01's head to violently hit the cage. Units 00 and 02 also facefault. Seeing Unit 02 facefault, the angel takes advantage of the opening and cuts off Unit 02's arms and head. >Battle bashes a hole in the floor >Yuri: um... Battle? >Battle: what? >Yuri: Why did you do that? >Battle: Everyone else did >KaosQu: Hey, I'm smarter than that! *trips and bashes a hole in the floor* Asuka "This is getting kinda old." >KaosQu: *Glances at his arm* Hey, I'm getting wrinkles... Misato "Shinji !!!!!!!" >Battle:!!!!!!!!!! >KaosQu:!!!!!!!!!! Hyuga "Um... Major... Shinji's fine. Asuka's the pilot of Unit 02." (Misato sweatdrops) "Oops, gomen. Force of habit. (Clearing her throat) Asuka!!!!!" [Asuka] "Misato! No fair! Your playing favorites." >KaosQu: Um... should't Auska be screaming in agony right about now? Misato "I am _not_. Whatever gave you that idea, Asuka?" [Asuka] "When you called out Shinji's name, you used seven exclamation points, but you only used five exclamation points for me." (looks up a few lines) "Hey, your right! I guess I _am_ playing favorites. But we have no time to discuss that now, the angel's still out there." "Wait a minute! You're not getting off that ea..." Misato cuts off the link. "Would someone please send a crew to retrieve Unit 02's entry plug." >KaosQu: Oh yeah, from under a giant, floating glob of spikes. Can you say, suicide mission? >Battle: nope just normal ops. SNAFU >Yuri: is that German? >Leona: no that's FUBAR Aoba "Awww, do we hafta? It's not like she's much help anyway. All she does is complain." (under his breath) "Finally, I get to speak a line." Misato "Now you listen to me and you listen good. Asuka may not be such a good fighter and she may whine and complain all the time, but she's still useful for comic relief. Especially with that yellow sundress she likes to wear." >Battle: Anyone notice how when she changed to her plug suit there were no panties on the pile of clothes? >Yuri stares at Toji's change >Leona: ::sweatdrop:: >KaosQu: Gee, how observant, Battle. >Leona: Hey Kaos, you aren't the only pervert around here Hyuga "Yeah, I could swear it's aerodynamically designed to catch air and lift up with the longest possible hangtime." >KaosQu: Oh c'mon. That only happened once! Ritsuko "Actually, it is. I designed it myself." Maya and Misato "Really !?! No way!" Ritsuko "Yes way! And I can make more, too. You can start placing your orders now." While the female crew surrounds Ritsuko, Shinji is still sitting confused in his eva. (thinking to himself) "Damn! I can't think of a catchy phrase! Asuka is already out of commission. If this continues, Rei will go down too. If that happens, all my hopes of actually scoring in this fic are lost! >KaosQu: You mean you had hope that you would in the first place?? >Battle: One can dream can't they? Not only that, I still can't figure out why we call them progressive _knives_." On the surface, the battle between Unit 00 and the angel is at a stand still. Unit 00 is shooting at the angel with a rifle. The rifle isn't doing any damage, but it _is_ keeping the angel from advancing further. Back at NERV, Shinji decides to ask again. [Shinji] "Misato-san, I can't think with this question hanging over my head. Why _do_ we call them progressive _knives_?" Disturbed from her discussion with Ritsuko regarding the specifics of her new dress, Misato reacts like any mother figure would. "I don't know, go ask your father." [Shinji] "Father, why are our weapons called progressive _knives_ when they're much too long to be just knives?" Gendo (hands steepled in front of him) "Fuyutsuki, I'll leave this situation up to you." Fuyutsuki "Very well sir. (turns to the screen) Well, Shinji, the weapon may look huge to you, but to the EVA, it's just a knife." [Shinji] "So you're saying it all depends on the scale?" Fuyutsuki "Exactly." >KaosQu: Gendo: Correct. *Light catches onto glasses. Glasses magnifies light. Very painful experiece ensues* Suddenly, a new comm link appears. [Rei] "Sir, your logic is flawed." Fuyutsuki "Really, may I inquire as to why?" [Rei] "If the distinction between knives and swords was all in the scale, then when children hold kitchen _knives_, we should call them kitchen _swords_. However, if I remember correctly, when I picked up a kitchen knife as a child, Commander Ikari told me to put down 'the _knife_', not 'the _sword_' ." >KaosQu: Bah, we all know the commander ain't right in the head! Fuyutsuki "I... see. Very... well reasoned." Unbeknownst to them, while they were discussing the merits of naming the weapons, the angel has been preparing for its most powerful attack. >KaosQu: Beware, my son, of the dreaded 'hump' attack! [Rei] "Furthermore, ungh!!!" Shinji and Fuyutsuki "What!?!" Hyuga "Unit 00 is down!!! What should we do!?!" [Shinji] "What!!! You just ruined all my chances of scoring you stupid S-2 organ powered being of mass destruction! Who am I supposed to make out with now!?!" Misato "Well, I suppose that's as catchy as Shinji can get. Hashin EVA!" Unit 01 is catapulted to the surface. Shinji strikes a dramatic pose designed to intimidate the opponent as well as provide a nice still pin-up. Unfortunately, the effect is ruined as he is facing away from the angel. Misato "Shinji! Watch out for its spike thingies!" [Shinji] "Huh?" As the angel rams itself into Unit 01, its spikes extend a little, im- paling the unit before swinging and throwing Unit 01 into a mountain. >KaosQu: Well whaddya know,someone conveniently placed a mountain in the middle of Tokyo 3. [Shinji] "Aaaaah!!!!!!!" Misato "Shinji!!!!!!! (turns to Maya) Activate catchy theme song at once." >Battle: initiate catchy music >Macerana starts playing >Battle: no not that... >All vanish as Hey mac-... is played Maya "Pardon me, Major?" Misato "I said play a catchy theme song. Whenever the good guy is in trouble, you have to play something catchy for him to get a second wind." >KaosQu: And don't forget the secret ingredient! *dramatic pause* Bean burritos! >Battle: How'd we get back? >Yuri: Don't know I was following Kaos >Battle: Dang was hoping to be lost for the rest of the fic >KaosQu: *Looks behind himself* Hey, you guys were trying to mallet me again weren't you? >Battle: nope we were trying to get Leona to run you over with Bonaparte but she didn't want to damage the undercarriage on your thick head Ritsuko "That is correct, Maya. I'm surprised you don't know, what with you being an anime character and all." Maya "But if we knew that all along, why didn't we use it on Unit 00 and 02?" Ritsuko "Simple, it would have been terribly anticlimactic for the fic." >KaosQu: You mean this fic has a climax? That's news, gotta write that down... Maya "I see. I'm sorry, sempai. I'll play something at once." As the song begins, Shinji thinks about what options are left to him. (thinking to himself) "Damn! Asuka's down, and so is Rei. That reduces my chances of making out in this fic to next to nil. I suppose the only thing left for me to do is go kill the angel in a really cool way. Maybe I'll even get a cross explosion." >Battle: whoo >Yuri: now that's worth watching! >KaosQu: Yeah, right up until every person in the world gets killed. Oops, did I ruing the movie for anyone? Pulling out its progressive knife, Unit 01 charges the angel and sticks the knife into the core. It exploded in a huge cross explosion as core-pierced angels tend to do. Suddenly, a pink bunny carrying a drum walks across the screen. >Battle: arm weapons! >Yuri: arming weapons >Battle: target the bunny! >Leona: targeting! >Battle: FIRE >Leona fires the main gun at the bunny >KaosQu: Hey, you left me out of the firing! Don't you trust me? >Battle: No. we trust to hit everything but what we want to hit Maya "Unit 01 is going berserk!" Misato (turning to face Gendo) "Sir, what should we do?" Gendo (hands steepled in front of him) "Fuyutsuki, I leave this..." Fuyutsuki (pissed off) "Enough already! I've been doing everything for three days now! I haven't seen you move since three days ago, when you were working on those EVA model kits." A look of understanding suddenly appears on his face. (smirking) "You've glued yourself in place, haven't you?" >Battle holds up a bottle of Krazy Glue and grins. >Kaos attempts to get out of his chair and fails. Get's pissed and starts ramming Battle with the chair. >Battle wonders how KaosQu is moving the chair as they're bolted to the floor and able to withstand rampaging cabbits Gendo (hands steepled in front of him) "...yes." Meanwhile, on screen, unit 01 has already eaten the angel and taken the batteries into itself. Rising from its position, it lets out a blood curdling... burp? >KaosQu: Damn burritos... Misato "Ritsuko, what the hell just happened?" Ritsuko "It must have been really hungry." Misato "No! Not that. I thought that stupid thing was supposed to keep going and going and going? And when can I pick up my dress?" >Battle: AND THE BUNNY DIES!! >KaosQu: It'll be back, fresh off the assembly line. Ritsuko "I'm a busy woman. I've got to do the reports for the units, I've got to do the research for information, I've got to do the commander..." Misato "Okay, I think I've heard enough." Ritsuko "Don't worry. Since you're all my friends I'll put more priority on your orders." Maya "Arigato, sempai. But Unit 01 is still berserk." [Shinji] "Don't worry, that was all me. You have _no_ idea how long I've wanted to do that." Everyone nods in agreement. >KaosQu: Can I kill someone now? >Battle: not unless it's someone who can't write >KaosQu: *Glances around* My ego's telling me to kill everyone here except me. >Battle: My, your ego's small >Battle drops a brick on it >Battle: oops Later, back at the Katsuragi apartment... Asuka "Shinji, I'm bored. Wanna... hey! Wondergirl! What are _you_ doing here? And what do you think you're doing to Shinji?" Rei (comes up for air) "I am currently making out with Pilot Ikari." >KaosQu: Heeeeeeey... Now THIS is interesting... Asuka "Shinji! I can't believe you would choose that doll over me!" >KaosQu: Shinji: I'm sorry, I happen to like breathing. Shinji (takes a breather)"Come on, Asuka! Aren't you supposed to be thegenius? Don't you know anything about psychology? I have this Oedipus >KaosQu: Whoa, big word! >Yuri: Do you actually know who Oedipus is Kaos? >KaosQu: *whistles innocently* Nice weather we're having ain't it? complex thing that makes me hate my father and compete with him for my mother's affection. Since Rei _is_ a clone of Mom, I would naturally choose her over you." Asuka "Really?" Shinji "Naw. Actually, it's just that blue hair turns me on." Asuka "I... see." Back at NERV... Gendo (thinking to himself) "I never really thought glue could be such a powerful force. Forget instrumentality! Adhesives are where it's at!" Author's notes: >KaosQu: *starts walking away... then starts running away* >Battle: Leona >Leona aims, shoots. Shot arcs and blows Kaos up as he reaches the horison >KaosQu: *As he arcs through the air* What the heck did you hit me with?? *thinks for a moment* On second thought, I don't want to know! Wow! Where did _that_ come from? I honestly don't know. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. As always, you can send your C&C to ex_fuk@yahoo.com. Also, if you find any grammatical or spelling errors, please tell me. My hard drive crashed and I'm stuck with notepad. I am obsessed with those things. Anyway, if I get enough good C&C, I might even write another fic like this. Sorry if the narration was lacking in depth, but I was trying to keep it at a shallow level so as to keep it humorous. Also, I wrote all this as it came to me. Actually, when I started, all I had in mind was the TV joke and then it sorta grew from there. BTW: I know they're OOC, but I've just finished watching EOE and I can only take so much depression in one day. >Battle: the perfect cure for EoE. Pen-pen is mighter than the sword!! >Battle: Bye all >KaosQu: *Suddenly lands on Battle* Hey, thanks Battle ol' buddy, you broke my fall! >Battle punts KaosQu into LEO