You spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that will make it ok.
A door. The lock turns and it opens. Lucrezia, dressed in her
Preventer uniform, enters the room. It’s the entry way to
her quarters. She closes the door behind her, and leans on it,
tilting her head back against it and closing her eyes. Lets out a
sigh, as she runs a hand through her forehead and her hair.
“Long day. Endlessly dark, up here in space.”
There’s always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day.
She walks to the desk in her living room, where stacks of papers
are piled up, and places a file folder on top of the pile,
thinking, “I’ll get to that, too… sometime”.
She activates the screen on her laptop and checks for messages.
As they download, her eyes wander off to the picture frame on the
shelf. Zechs… and her. He’s striking a pose against her
beat-up little Volkswagen Golf, and she’s rolling her eyes
like, “Yeah, what are you, Elvis or something?” She
instinctively smiles at the memory of that road trip across
Canada, right after graduating. Then she lowers her eyes. Sad,
all of a sudden as reality kicks back in. “I couldn’t
stop you from destroying yourself. Damit, Zechs, you wouldn’t
let me. I couldn’t… save you. I failed.” Angry at
herself. For not realizing what he was up to before it was too
late. For surviving him. Her best friend. Her love. She never
even had a chance to tell him how special he was to her.
I need some distraction
Oh, beautiful release
Memories seep through my veins.
16 new messages. All work stuff. She doesn’t… can’t
deal with that now. She turns her eyes away from the computer
screen, as though the glare is painful to her. She walks away,
then into her bathroom. Turns on the water in her clawfoot
bathtub. Stops in front of the mirror and thinks for a second,
“Dewberry or Vanilla? Definitely Vanilla. Maybe it’ll
get rid of the blues.” She kneels down by the bathtub and
runs a hand under the water as bubbles start forming. She stares
at her hand as the image of Zechs’s face rushes to her head
again. He used to love the smell of vanilla. And she used to make
fun of him. Mercilessly. Ever since that time in the elevator.
Just the two of them, and he had said, “Wow… something
smells wonderful in here… kinda like cookies or something,”
and she had reached with her hand close to his face and asked him
if it was maybe her body lotion, and he closed his eyes as he
inhaled, and went, “Yeah… that’s it. Careful, I
might bite you…”
Let me be empty
Oh, weightless, and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight.
She gets up. Her hands start fiddling with her uniform. Removing
it. Her eyes still sad, staring at the bubbles, as she lets the
clothes fall to the floor and then slides herself into the
bathtub. She sits back with her head leaning against the rim. She
closes her eyes and lets herself slide down to submerge her face
to get her hair wet, then comes up again and runs her hands
through it. A hint of a smile at the corners of her mouth. She
has always found water to be so… soothing to her… even
as a little girl. She lets out a deep sigh, then tilts her head
back against the rim and closes her eyes again. Waiting for her
muscles to relax. For her mind to let go.
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear.
“This is crazy,” she thinks aloud as a smile shapes her
lips, “I can see him as though he were here. His face just
like the first time he let me see him.” His beautiful face.
His ice-blue eyes, so deep it hurts to look into them. Always
partly hidden, because he never felt comfortable having people
stare at his very soul, right there. Like she used to be able to.
Even through the mask. He had told her once about how he had
known right off the bat that she would become either his closest
friend or his deadliest enemy. She had smiled, not really knowing
what to say, or what he meant by that. “When I’m around
you, I’m without armour,” he had continued, staring at
the ground, “You see through me… I had to take the
chance.” That was his way of saying to her that he was glad
they were friends. But even her friendship could not save him
from himself. Nor could her love… that she never had the
courage to confess. “He never knew. Too late now, he’s
gone for ever. Even though I still feel him here.”
You were pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort.
She bit her lips as she let herself remember them. His hands on
her. The night she pulled the ligament in her knee, out in the
middle of nowhere on the Canadian Rockies. She had frozen, in
pain, and he had known right away. Caught her as she fell down.
Told the others to carry on the mission and go ahead without
them. Immobilized her leg. She had felt stupid for wanting to
scream and had to concentrate so hard on just breathing. And he
had run his hand on her face to reassure her that she’d be
ok. That he would not leave her side until the chopper came to
pick them up. Too dark and too cold for it to come right away,
and besides they were trained to handle emergencies. The pain was
a lot to deal with, but he kept stroking her face and her hair.
Holding her against him to keep her back supported and her leg
straight. Packing snow around her knee and wrapping blankets
around her to keep her from going into hypothermia. It hurt
pretty bad, but she wasn’t scared with him there. She had
even joked with him about the whole situation. “Peacecraft
my ass,” she had commented, as she looked up at his face,
“I don’t buy it. You’re really some kind of
guardian angel in disguise, eh?” To which he had smiled and
touched his forehead to hers, and replied, “Thanks… if
that was a compliment. Otherwise, sucks to be you ‘cause you’re
stuck with me! …That remind you of anyone?”
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back.
She is startled by the phone ringing. She opens her eyes and
suddenly feels stupid for almost believing he was really there,
holding her again. She quickly gets out of the tub and wraps her
bathrobe around herself, then sprints down the hallway to get to
the phone. “Hello. Agent Noin speaking. Who’s there?
Hello… Sal, if this is a joke…” No one on the
other end. Only a deep sigh, then nothing. Hung up on her. She
shakes her head in puzzlement, as she walks away from the phone
and into the kitchen. Running her hands through her hair to shake
the water out.
The storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack.
Her eyes are drawn to the large window over the sink. Dark.
Endlessly dark out there. Her reflection looks so surreal. “I’m
ok. Really. Can’t afford not to be ok… Just need to
stop blaming myself. Let go of him.” She fills the kettle
with water and places it on the stove. Then goes over to get a
mug and a tea bag. She has always liked the smell of Irish
Breakfast tea. The kettle whistling interrupts her thoughts
again. She walks over and pours the boiling water inside the mug,
over the tea bag.
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe.
She sits on the kitchen counter, right by the window, and wraps
her hands around the mug. Warming them. Inhaling the spiced
notes. Staring at the contents getting darker and darker. Then
she gets off, leaving her mug on the counter. Walking towards her
bedroom.
And it’s sweet madness
All this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees.
She leaves the bathrobe on the floor. Her Calvin Klein sleep
shorts and tank top are a lot more comfortable. She lies down on
the bed, facing her night table. Reaches for the picture frame on
it. Brushes her fingers on the glass, wanting to caress the
beautiful face smiling behind it. “We took this on
graduation day. He was so nervous. Kept fidgeting the whole time.”
Holds the picture to her chest and buries her face in the pillow.
Biting her lips. Holding on, trying to not let those damn stupid
tears come out. It’s no good to cry, she’s an officer,
for chrissakes. And it won’t bring him back, either. “Stupid.
Why am I so damn stupid?” Her shoulders shake. Out of her
control. Overwhelmed, choking as she covers her face in shame and
curls up like a child. “Stupid, stupid tears. Damn you,
Zechs, damn my own stupid weakness.”
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear.
“I’m here. I haven’t left you,” his voice is
ringing in her ears. She knows he can’t be there, he’s
dead. Gone. For ever. But it feels so right to believe it. Listen
to that voice. Surrender to it. Pretend he’s still with her.
Pretend he knows how much she loves him. And that he loves her
back. If she closes her eyes, she can see him materialize in
front of her. Sitting by her on the bed. She can feel the heat of
his hand on her cheek. His fingers playing with the hair at the
nape of her neck. “Don’t open your eyes… please.
Or I’ll have to go. Let me stay a little longer,” his
words whispered in her ear are spinning like a whirlwind in her
head. Doesn’t make sense… her… feeling like this…
feeling him. But she’s too tired and too out of it to want
to make sense. “I want you to stay,” she whispers, not
caring whether someone’s actually there to hear her words or
whether she’s just talking to the ghost in her head.
You were pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here.
She just pulls the blanket on her. Feels it move as something
warm wraps around her. He’s holding her. But if she opens
her eyes, he’ll fade away. Maybe for ever. Totally
irrational, how can she be so stupid as to believe that it’s
real? That he came back for her. That he knows how badly she
needs him. That he needs her too. Oh, but it feels so real. His
arms around her. His fingers trailing up her arms and her neck.
His hair tickling her face as he leans on her so close that she
can feel his breath on her lips. “Ah, this is insane. I’m
insane to believe this…” she whispers, burying her face
in the pillow, trying to find the strength to open her eyes and
get back to reality once and for all. “Please, Lucrezia. Let
me stay. Just until you fall asleep.” Dream, reality,
hallucination… madness… whatever this is, it’s the
closest to happy that she has been ever since she can remember.
It’s the sweet surrender that she has dreamed of so many
times. And it’s all that matters to her right now.
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here.
The alarm goes off. She opens her eyes. Alone, just as she
thought. A new day out in space, though you wouldn’t know it
from looking out the window. She curls up in the blanket,
enjoying the last moment of warmth before getting up. Smiling.
Feeling like the world isn’t such a bad place, after all.
“What was that? Last night… What came over me?”
she thinks aloud, then sits up and looks in the mirror on the
wall in front of the bed. “Am I really that silly?” She
gets up, walks in front of it and notices something tickling her
right arm. She brushes it off and picks it up between her
fingers. Her eyes widen in astonishment. A hair. A long, silky
thread of platinum blonde hair. Yes, the world is a good place,
after all.
