Rating PG
Sailor Moon is not mine at all I 'm just borrowing.
The poetry: Well that is mine...please don't steal it.
Pairing: It's a tough thing to fight your heart...but as Usagi and Minako are bound to discover...It's useless to resist.
Send comments to: akriel45@yahoo.com
thank you

Past is Past

by Alithea

He leaned up against the balcony railing and sighed. It was barely dark but the moon was shining brighter than anything else around him. It was not a sight he wanted to see. He looked sadly at the sky and kept his gaze even as the sliding glass door bustled open. He heard her quite clearly step towards him, hesitiating slightly. He couldn't turn around. He knew she would be looking on, a worried expression on her face, heart breaking for fear she did something wrong. And maybe it was all her fault, but the heart...He could not deny what knew in his heart. She inched closer, delicate steps that could become clumsy, but never to him. It was going to be hard, but roads like destiny were never easy.

"Mamo", she barely whispered.

The concern in her tone immediately made him need to shut his eyes. He still faced away from her, praying for strength. He could hear her ragged breath. It was the sound of someone lost and confused. And not being able to keep up the silence, he gave away the ghost and spoke.

"Moon's bright tonight." His voice was a husky breath.


"It looks as though you could reach out and touch it. Embrace the light it gives off and hold it forever, but...” He paused focusing desperately on the sky. "You can't of course. It's too far away. Even with all the light it gives and the distracting twinkle from down here on earth..." He quickly glanced over his shoulder, she looked so lonely. "Still the morning star...Venus...shines just as brightly and it is always by the Moon's side...nearly close enough to touch it." He turned and faced her.

"Mamoru why..." She trailed off when his eyes met her, so distant and dark.

He turned away again, bracing himself against the railing. It was too hard to look at her. She was still everything he loved, light and caring, innocence and strength. He swallowed his pride and spoke, "You love her."

"No." It was desperate.

"You always have."

"No." Again more forceful, brimming with unwept tears. "No, I love you."

A ghost of a chuckle left him and his shoulders dropped a bit. "But you love her more Usa." There was a confirming silence that hit the air around him. He tried not to smile thinking on how useless the dialogue was. "We've had this conversation before Usagi...Do you remember? Long ago...on that distant kingdom... A prince and a princess met and talked and there were so many tears...but the princess finally chose-"

"Yes", she nearly shouted, tears now streaming down her perfect face. "Yes she chose her prince. I chose you. I always chose you. You are my love my only-"

"Not your only", he broke in softly, trying to control his anger at the lie. "Never your only. We have a connection...deep and lasting, greater than the whole of the ocean...but she..." He looked up at the morning star. "She is there too. And the connection between you two...I feel it. And it's greater than the span of the universe."

She rushed over to him, pleading for him to look at her. Pounding her petite fists into his back. Crying that it wasn't true, and never was, and he turned around to watch the desperate fibs fall to the ground.

"You know I'll always choose you", she finally sobbed, her arms clinging to him.

He placed his hands on her small shoulders and pushed her away, ever so gently. "You choose me for the wrong reasons. You choose me out of care for the future, out of safety and pride. You choose me because it is unselfish, but I will not let you deny your true feelings. I will not watch you whither away under a heart that you broke yourself. Usa?"

She looked up at him. Her bright blue eyes awash in tears.

"I will not be selfish and let you cast your love away."

"But I love you...I do...I swear it... I...I can be happy with just you." She sniffed back tears, and buried her head in his chest.

He began to stroke her silky blonde hair and sighed. "Usagi? Love...I can not bare another night of you fighting yourself. You whisper her name in your sleep. Cry out her name when..." He didn't want to say it. That would just be cruel, and he didn't want that.

"I can choose...I can make up my mind and just-"

"You can not choose Usagi." His tone was firm. "I will not let you choose. I..." It was all so wrong. It all sounded so bitter and he wasn't. He understood. He knew what it was to be torn between lovers...and he...He wanted to save her from the heartache. He wished he could be less aggressive about everything, but he could not. No, he would not let her be lonely anymore. He would not watch her fade under a shadow of want and guilt. "I'm leaving...I plan to stay on in America after graduation." He felt her shrink away. "I'm not coming back."

Don't run away
Don't go
I still need you close
I still need your touch please
Don't run away
Don't go
My heart still beats in tune with yours
My dreams still breathe you in
Don't go

It was her last resort. The last place on the earth she wanted to run to for comfort, but no one else was around. Everyone was out enjoying the evening and she wanted to think it was fate being cruel. But she couldn’t be alone any longer. She could not wallow in her tears at home. She needed someone to cry to because he would not listen properly. He kept being gentle and reminding, forcing her to accept the truth. Making her see that her heart did not truly belong to his. It was terrifying how calm he was. Frightening the way he could speak without anger or resentment. So she ran away in search of ears that would hear and understand her cries, but they were all gone. And this was her last hope. She rapped on the door softly. Surprised it made enough noise to even garner a response. A light cheer filled voice called out and she replied but she wasn’t sure her voice made any intelligible sound. The door swung open and a perky goddess stood before her, full of welcome, not knowing…not guessing and certainly not seeing.

“So it’s cool to see you. I was just about to win the racing championships. One more lap and I will be the Nascar…” She trailed off taking in her friend’s all too quiet and still manner. “Usagi? Usagi is everything all right.”

The girl did not move. She merely stood feet, firmly planted as if motion would kill her, and speaking cause the world to spin off its axis.

“Usagi? Did…Is...” She couldn’t find an appropriate question. She stepped closer to her friend, chiding herself for being such a dumb blonde. “What happened Usa?” A comforting arm lightly fell upon her friend’s shoulder and it was enough to make the distraught princess give way and fall into the goddess’s arms. A light embrace trying to understand what was going on. “Usagi…Did you and Mamoru have a fight or something?”

The sound of his name only induced a flood of incoherent sobs and tears the likes of which Minako Aino had never seen in all her years as a senshi. She pulled her princess closer, trying to make out the nonsense that was spilling from her friend’s lips. It was obviously some kind of fight, but it felt like something more. Pieces of thoughts slowly coming together to bring the picture in clear. Mamoru was a constant...as was love and leaving and something about breaking her own heart. It was still so confused. She bit at her bottom lip and then glancing down the hallway and caught sight of her cat. He had a worried expression on his face and looked as though he was going to say something.

“Not now Artemis”, Minako stated firmly as she vainly tried to usher her broken friend up the stairs.

She wasn’t sure how she managed it. Walking up the stairs, getting Usagi onto her bed, watching all those tears, hearing that sad desperate voice pleading for forgiveness, and still she managed to keep her own tears at bay. She had to be strong. Strong for her princess and future queen, because she was chosen…yes she was chosen a million lifetimes ago to protect this girl. She sat on the bed, gently stroking the girl’s soft blonde hair (It was nearly the same color as her own, perhaps a little lighter.) She glanced over at the clock. It was getting late.

“Hey”, she nudged the girl who was clinging to her. “Usa? Why don’t you try and get some sleep? I’ll just go down-“

Her grip tightened as she managed her first coherent sentence in hours. “No…Stay with me.” her voice was a strained echo.

“Alright…I’ll stay.”

The girl’s settled under the covers. The princess holding the goddess as if her life, her soul depended on it.

“What did he do to you”, she whispered not needing an answer just yet. Not even expecting one.

Usagi pulled closer. Her aching voice barely able to reply, “He’s leaving…He…he isn’t coming back.”

All the night through
I’ll hold onto you
I need you
I need you
Won’t you take the dark away?
Won’t you banish the shame?
I need you
I need you
All the night through
Take the dark away
Take it away
I need you
I need you

Sleep was near impossible. Her azure eyes kept popping open as the girl in her arms muttered in her sleep, disturbed by restless dreams. She tried to keep her focus. The past was barely a secret any longer. Still, deeper memories intruded upon her as she lay so close to the princess, breaking her down. The pounding in her heart was a call to a love that she had never recovered from, a want that was wrong because it spoke against the future. And the future it was set, it had to be. As hard as it was to remain supportive and neutral she couldn’t help but feel something was about to change. It was insanity though. No, Mamoru was just being difficult again. He was just breaking Usagi’s heart so that he could feel in control of his destiny. He had done it before and now he was using the same excuse. That had to be it. She tried her best to comfort the lonely princess, as another dream seemed to take hold.

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…forgive me…please”, the heartbroken girl was getting more restless.

Minako tried not to listen but she heard.

“I’m sorry” It was a whisper. “I love you…always…forgive me.”

It was torture trying to endure, but she couldn’t seem to find the will to wake her princess up and save her from the vision

“Forgive me…Mina.”

Mina? No she couldn’t have heard that right. It couldn’t be so. It just couldn’t.

“I love you…I love you”, the princess pleaded. “I’m so…sorry.”

Why was she apologizing? Why was she so sorry? It didn’t make any sense. It had to have been just her imagination. She shifted a bit, trying to see if the girl was awake. But no, she was sound asleep.

“I love you…my Mina. Please…please.”

Her eyes shut tightly. She couldn’t stand it. And even though she knew she couldn’t be heard she whispered back, holding her friend tightly. “S’okay Usa…S’okay…I…I love you too. Don’t be sorry.”

And where are we fading to
Are we but softness and light
Are we but flashes in the air
Where are we going to
Will you remember this
Will you forget
If I lose you tomorrow
Will you beg for today
And are we
Images and nothing
Shadows and dust
Tell me
Where are we fading to
Where are we going

He was sure the neighbors below and above him could hear the pounding as he sprang to the door. And he was prepared for anything upon opening it. An army of senshi ready to beat him to a pulp, a still lost and pleading princess, but somehow he hadn’t factored in the vengeful goddess that was waiting for him. Her azure eyes were nearly gray with anger, and he had never seen Venus in such a state. Rei yes, even Makoto he could envision bursting with anger but it looked strange on this girl’s face.

“What do you think you’re doing to her Mamoru Chiba”, she asked pushing him aside to enter the apartment. Formalities were not something she was going to worry about. Not now, not while her princess was still in such pain.

He accepted her harshness, closing the door behind him softly. He watched her expression shift from enraged to shocked as her eyes moved over the mass of boxes scattered in the living room. He moved closer to her, offered her a place to sit. Apologized for the mess. It was eerie the way he was handling things. It was so mature, so easy…too easy.

“You…What are you doing”, she asked again confusion solid in her still angry tone.

“I’m leaving.”

She looked at him harshly. “Why?”

“Because she loves you.”

She nearly fainted dead away. How could he speak so calmly about it? How could he not be furious? She sat in the only chair that was not covered in boxes and packing material.

“And you love her”, he moved across from her. “Don’t you?”

It wasn’t right. This felt so wrong. She knew; they all knew how the future was to be. Usagi and Mamoru would marry. They would be the king and queen of Crystal Tokyo, and she and the rest of the senshi…They would be the royal guard. Bringing peace to the earth for all time. No, he couldn’t leave. He couldn’t destroy what was to be. It was set. The future was stone.

“No”, she whispered. “This can’t be so.”

He sighed, and the goddess never recalled him to look so sad and tired. It was obvious he still loved her. Criminal was the only thought that sprang to mind as she watched him fight his heart. The tall young man leaned against the wall and let a slight grin, accompanied by a soft laugh escape him.

“You all amaze me”, he breezed. “You all fight so hard to ensure peace and love remain in this world. Battle to keep it sacred and important. Love and justice? Isn’t that what she always says?”


“And yet…even with your past lives clear in your minds. Even with all that echoing and guiding your souls…you still ignore it.” He shrugged. “Or maybe I’m the only one who really remembers anything about that time save Setsuna…and Luna.” He watched her, all that want pressing into her...so like his princess. He was amazed he had never seen it before. “What is it in you girls…You’re all so caring and perfect for the duties you perform. You make such pains to ensure the future…but you deny yourselves the very thing that is to make the future bright.”

“But…” She knew he was right, still there was that lost look in his eyes. “But what about you?”

“I don’t know.”

He walked into his kitchenette. He offered the young woman a drink and she shook her head but he brought her a cold soda any way. She took it with a sigh.

“And what of Chibiusa? And everything we know of the future? How do you explain it?”

“I don’t.” His sudden answer cut deep. “Pluto pulled me aside once and told me that in Time and life…nothing was certain. Things changed and shifted always. Moved like an ocean. The only thing that is set in stone is change. I do not need to know what my exact future will be. Obviously everything still works out.”

“But how can you know that?”

“I don’t. Not for sure, but I know Chibiusa is still around…so there is still a happy ending somewhere… for all of us.” He took a sip from the soda can he was holding. “You do love her don’t you?”

Her gaze was set on the ground. “Always.” It was barely audible. “And she…Why is she so sorry?”

He was finally caught off guard and then it hit him. “She talks in her sleep”, he stated. “Has for years. It used to be nightmares from the past. Demons she watched her mother slay, all of the moon kingdom falling to rubble.” He considered where he was taking things. “I guess…you could call her recent dreams nightmares.”

“Oh gods... that’s how you found out?” Her voice waivered in fear.

He looked at her sadly. “That’s how I was certain. Her heart Minako…her heart is so heavy with guilt. She loves you…but she’s refused it for so long. Probably longer than any of us will ever know.” He looked deeply at the girl. “I love her Minako…I really do. But it’s wrong to fight to keep her if I know…as I’ve always known…You come first.”

“You know this would be easier on me if you weren’t such a nice guy", she tired to ease the tension.

He smiled; a bit embarrassed by the remark. “I can’t help it. It’s been burned into my soul. But don’t you have somewhere you need to be Mina?”

I’m gonna run
Run and not look back
Go to the world I know is right
Go to the love I believe in
And damn the past
For holding back my heart
Damn fortune for making me a fool
I’m gonna run
And I won’t hide
I won’t be denied

The princess was still were she had left her. She wondered if the girl had managed to do anything but cry and sleep. She assumed the future ruler of the world had not. Minako padded over to the blinds and opened them slightly, letting the tiniest of light shrink into the room. She sat gently on the bed and shook her friend from sleep.

“Hey”, she whispered. “Hey sleepy head…you have to get up sometime.”

The weary princess opened her eyes slowly and then turned her head back into the pillow.

The goddess huffed in irritation. “Usagi you have to wake up. C’mon talk to me…I know he said something to you…tell me…Y’know in words I can comprehend. You’ll feel better if you tell me…and I’ll feel better ‘cos I’ll know what you’re talking about. Kill two birds with one pie.”

The blonde on the bed looked up and in a groggy voice said, “It’s two birds with one stone. You never get those right.”

The girl was trying to be her perky self. She had to let her friend tell her everything on her own terms. “Well no…I guess I never do. So…you awake?”

Usagi rolled over clutching the blankets to her. “I’m sorry to be such an inconvenience to you Mina. It was…it...You were right it was just a little tiff."

“You said he was leaving”, she sighed.

“He is”, she tried to keep from crying again. “But you all knew that…he…he wants to study abroad some more and-“

“Usa?” She couldn’t take it. Couldn’t stand to see her princess this way…trying so hard to hide the truth. “Usa you need to stop this and tell me what’s really bothering you. I’ve never seen you so… miserable.”

The tears were inevitable. Her head immediately buried in the comfort of the pillows. And the goddess knew she blew it. She rolled her eyes, placing a caring hand on her friend’s shoulder.

“Did you…Did you know that you talk in your sleep”, she began softly. “It’s rather annoying.” She felt her friend tense at the comment. “But I guess it’s ok…in dreams we say the things we always meant to but, Usa?”

The princess shifted just a bit, shaking, perhaps from fear.

“Why are you so sorry?”

“What”, her voiced cracked a bit.

“You were pretty restless last night. You kept apologizing.” She admired her ability to play dumb in such a serious moment. Admired her strength at not shouting to the sky that everything was going to be fine. Everything was how it should be. “I figured…well I figured you were talking to him but then…”



“I…” She wasn’t sure if she wanted to tell her. She could wait. She could wait; after all she had waited for so many years, lifetimes. And raising her head she caught sight of the concern in the goddess’s eyes. Those bright blue eyes that could hold the light of the world nearly outshine the sun. She just couldn’t hide. “It wasn’t him.”

“What?” Soft and cool as a breeze it graced her ears.

“The dream…I…wasn’t apologizing to him.” She swallowed her fear. “I was…I was apol-“

“To me?”

Her face washed whiter than a ghost. “I-“

“Why are you so sorry Usa? What did you do to me?”

“The past…I…so long ago…I-“

“Past is past…And we all made mistakes”, Minako interrupted with a sigh. She wanted to cry. “You know I talked to him today.”

She still looked pale.

“He’s an idiot y’know…letting you go when he still loves you so much." She paused, that last statement didn’t come out right. “But…he’s…He’s very understanding…and cares and…He wants you to be happy. I don’t think he could live with himself if you weren’t totally happy. “ She glanced away a breath from shedding a tear. “Of course if you were happy he’s a blind fool and I’ll beat him to a pulp for making you-“

She hadn’t realized the girl had moved, but a finger pressed against her lips keeping her from speaking. Eyes the color of sapphires looking deep into her.

“You need to stop talking you silly blonde.” She forced a smile through her newly forming tears. “You need to be quiet and listen to me…because I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up this emotional roller coaster I’ve set myself on.” She settled back against the headboard, drawing her knees towards her chest, hugging them tightly. “I don’t understand any of this. Everything seemed so set, so sure. There is no safety in any of this. And I guess…I guess that’s why I always kept it secret. I wanted to be safe…but…nothing is. I’m sorry Mina.”

“Why…why do you keep doing that…I told you-“

“Past is past…I know. I'm sorry for right now.” She rocked forward onto her knees, sitting up, a hand on Minako’s shoulder. She looked deep, deeper than even a few seconds ago. “I…I love you Mina.”

It was a simple kiss at best, but one worth holding onto, one worth treasuring and deepening. And the goddess and the princess couldn’t find the will to move from it, not for the longest time.

Past is past all right
What was it I wanted to fight
What memories held me to this place
Taking my soul
Making me chase
Past is past all right
Why put up such a glorious fight
Fight your heart
Fight your soul
Fight the things that keep you whole
My apologies fall to the ground
They shatter and don’t make a sound
And I never should have surrendered before
I should have told you, settled the score
Past is past all right
And now there is no need to fight
No need to wonder
No need to worry
No need to fear
Because I promise from this day
It’s you I’ll keep near

“Usa?” She nudged the girl lying next to her softly.

“Hmm.” She was still trying to sleep.

“Do you think things went well today?”

The princess rolled over and whispered, “Go to sleep. Things went fine.” She settled in closer to her love.

“But no one really seemed surprised and everyone seemed ok with it and…well…I mean…I don’t know what I mean.”



She kissed a small spot on the goddess’s neck. “Go to sleep. Everything will be fine as long as the morning star stays close to the moon.”

Minako shut her eyes as the girl in her arms kissed her neck again, holding her tight. And just before she fell into the waves of sleep she heard faintly.

“My love…My Mina…Always my love.”