Diaries: Makoto

By Desslok


Ok, right off, I just want you to know that I'm not good at this type of thing. The only reason I'm doing this is because someone very special gave me this blank book as a gift. See, I've barely written anything and already I'm probably doing it wrong. I'm not sure who "you" are supposed to be anyway. Are you me? People write in diaries to write to themselves, right? Who else would read it? Who'd want to? I'd better start again...

Dear Diary... that's how it's supposed to go, right? So, I might as well start with today since I sure don't plan on writing my own biography. Today, we all had lunch at the Crown and then played video games. I played the Sailor V game mostly. Minako and Usagi played that racing game that they like. Ami played a little bit, but mostly read a book. Ami likes to read. She's always trying to get me to read more. I'm not sure why. I guess she gave up on that and decided to try to get me to write instead. Looks like it worked. Anyway, after awhile, Usagi and Minako decided to go shopping. I've never been as big a fan of shopping as they are, so I passed. Ami did, too. She came over to my place instead and we had tea. It was then that she gave me this present. It's not my birthday or anything, but she said she just wanted to do something nice for me.

Oh, what the hell is the point of this anyway? I just went back and re-read what I've written and it almost put me to sleep, and it's my own life! I'm only doing it because Ami wanted me to. I'd do anything for her. This can't be the point, though.


Dear Diary. I'm back. I decided to take a break and clear my mind, so I cooked up a few meals and froze them for later in the week. Cooking is a good way for me to sort things out. I thought about it and decided that diaries are supposed to be a way to share things that you can't share with anyone else. I mean, what's the point of describing my day every day? I've already lived it once, why write about it again later?

So, share things... I like to share things. I share my cooking, my house... Why is it so hard to write it down? I only think about it all the time anyway. Ok, I'm going to take a deep breath and just do it....



----- Dear Diary. I'm back again. I guess that was a little harder than I thought. It's just easier not to think about things, even the things I think about all the time. Does that make sense? I miss my mom and dad every single day, but I don't think about them very much. Every day, when I see her walking next to me, her nose in a book, totally absorbed by whatever she's learning, when I notice how she blushes so often or how her eyes scrunch up when she smiles, I ache inside, but I don't think about it. Thinking hurts. Writing hurts too, I think I'm getting a cramp in my hand. It feels good though. I love Ami. I love her. It's getting easier. Maybe they're right that shared burdens are easier to bear. I love her and I have for a long time now.

I didn't know it, of course. Unlike Ami, I can be a little slow on the uptake. I think I first started to figure it out when I got to know Haruka. Michiru, too, I guess, but mostly Haruka. It hadn't really even occurred to me that a girl could love a girl till then. It's strange, you know (of course you do, you're me!).. I've always wanted to be a bride, to be a wife. I've always enjoyed making up fantasies about this guy and that, but, with her, it's the first time that I really felt it. I don't fantasize about her. She's above that. She makes me feel like there's more to me than there is... like I mean something, not just as a girl or a bride or even as Jupiter, but as a person. Like there's something in me that no one else sees, something very special. Sometimes I wonder if she's right, but then I remember that Ami is always right about everything. She's so smart, but she doesn't make you feel stupid like other smart people do. Sure, she gets on us to study more, but that's because she cares and she wants us to do well. She's good for us, and we're good for her cause it's not good to study all the time.

I wonder why she studies so much. She already knows everything anyway. Maybe she just likes it, like I like cooking. But, sometimes I cook because I'm lonely, or because I need to get my mind off of something, or someone. Maybe it's the same way for her. I wonder who haunts her dreams the way she haunts mine...


Dear Diary. It's been a couple days. She asked me if I was using you and I told her I was. She seemed happy about that, which made me happy too. I asked her what she wrote about, to make sure I'm doing it right, and she told me she wrote about her thoughts. Then, she asked me what I wrote. I blushed I think, cause I could feel my face get warm. Then, her face went red! That made me blush even more! I forget what I said. How can someone as brave as Sailor Jupiter is supposed to be be such a coward about something like this. I mean, she's my best friend. It was her who figured out about Haruka and Michiru, so she's not unfamiliar with the concept. I'm sure she'd understand. But, I don't want her to understand, to forgive me, to forget all about it and not let it affect our relationship. I don't want that. A little hope is better than knowing for sure.

Sometimes I play with my own mind, seeing things that can't be there. Was she just staring at me? Is she standing just a little closer than necessary? Did her hand graze over mine just a little too long? I'd better stop this... I need to start on dinner anyway.

----- Dear Diary. Am I supposed to be putting dates on this? Well, too late if I was.

She asked me again about you, and I got to wondering why she's so interested. I don't think she'd use me as some sort of psych experiment, but I couldn't think of anything else.

Anyway, I asked her point blank why she'd bought you for me. I was determined not to blush and I didn't, even when she did! She said it was important to share your feelings and that, for her, it was hard to share them with someone else. She said she thought that maybe I was the same as her in that way. She said that sharing feelings with a friend was probably better than sharing with them a book, but diaries were a good start. Ami loves books, but now that I think about it, it sounds like she was picking me over one. I can't imagine what's in there that she wants me to see, but I'm not dumb. There's something.

------- Dear Diary. Enough is enough. I am Sailor Jupiter, damnit, and I'm not afraid of anything, even myself. I've been knocked down before and gotten up again. She'd never do that anyway, but I can't go on like this. My job is to protect and I can't do that if I'm all worked up all the time. She needs me and I'm not going to let my own fear prevent me from being there for her.

I talked to Minako and she told me about something called an exchange diary. It's a diary that you pass back and forth with someone. Well, it's two books, but it's close enough. I can put 2 and 2 together. Ami has something on her mind that she needs to share. That's why she bought this for me. It's up to me to take the next step.

Ami, I'm glad I didn't take no for an answer. I'm sure you tried to say it at least once. I'm not real good with words, but I think that you wanted me to read your diary, that you wanted to share something with me. Maybe it's about Urawa, or maybe you're worried about exams. Maybe you miss your dad or you think your mom is working too much. I don't know what it is, but I want you to know that you're my best friend and you can share anything with me. Together, there's nothing we can't face.

I'm pretty sure this isn't the best way to tell you about... well, what you read above. I hope you don't think that I did this just because I was afraid to say anything. I was, but that's not why I did it. I'm sure you feel kind of weird about it and I hope you won't not want to write back to me or talk to me. I love you, and that includes as my best friend. Nothing can ever come between us, if we don't let it.

Just please, don't pretend you don't know. I can't stand that. I know I said hope is better than certainty, but I was wrong. If I'm going to move on, I need to talk about it. Writing about it has been good, but not good enough. I won't be mad and I promise to try not to be upset. Please don't be mad at me or scared of me. It's just how I feel. ----- Oh, my dearest Mako, you are so right and so wrong about me. You give me too much credit. I didn't know why I felt so strongly about this. I just wanted to do something nice for you. But, you're right, of course. I see that now. You know me better than I know myself, because you aren't ashamed or afraid of me like I can be.

I didn't even know I loved you till I read the words here. I must have known, deep inside, but I'd pushed it down so deep. You were right about why I study, but even I didn't know that until you showed it to me.

I'm tempted to just write and write and pour out these feelings that I didn't even know I had, but I won't. Again, you are correct. Words and books pale in comparison to the joy of companionship, the joy of seeing you sitting across from me, the feel of your skin on mine as you hold my hand. I feel ashamed that my diary does not contain the same kind of self-awareness that this one does. I hope you are not reading and deciding that I don't love you because I do, oh how I do.

I will end this here, so that I can go to you now. I hope it remains the last entry in here, because we need not share our emotions this way anymore. You can tell me anything, Mako, and now I know that I can do the same with you.

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