Diaries: Ami

By Desslok


I suppose that I've always known that I was different. Maybe that is why it was not such a shock when I learned about my destiny. I'm certain that people assume it is because of my brain, but I don?t think so. I've always been intelligent, but there are lots of intelligent people in the world. Some people seem to think that grades are like a race or a sporting contest, but all you can ever measure yourself against is yourself. Sure, I've gotten caught up in competition before, but mostly, I study because I enjoy it and because I want to improve myself. Is there anything so different in that?

The obvious question then is in what way am I different. I haven't really given it that much thought. Usually, I am much too busy reading or preparing for class, or spending time with my friends. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember that spending time with my friends is just as important as studying, but I think that is just because studying has become a habit over the years. It is much easier for Usagi to distract me now than it was right after we met. I am really very grateful to her for taking the time and effort to become my friend. She is so very important to me now, and not simply because she is my princess. In her own way, Usagi is much smarter than I am and has a lot to teach me about people.

I can't imagine why I keep digressing like this. It's not like me at all. I think that I'm different from my friends because they are much more willing to throw themselves into whatever they are doing. No matter how immediate the situation, there is a part of me that must remain back to observe what is going on, so that I can learn from it. Minako or Usagi would surely chide me for this and tell me to 'just lighten up and enjoy the moment' but that is not something that's easy for me to do. One must always keep one's distance from the object being observed, after all. I think Rei or Makoto might understand better. Rei is also out of step with the world to some degree. I think she lives far more of her life in the spirit world than most of us realize. Of course, some years ago I would not even have believed in such a thing, but enough has happened to broaden my mind on such matters since.

Makoto, I think she would understand, too. I have done some research on something odd that she said to me some time ago and discovered that there are a number of connections between Jupiter and Mercury. I have yet to ask Luna about these things, though. I never seem to remember to do so when I have the chance. Mako knows what it is like to be on the outside looking in. Mako knows what it is to be all alone in a crowded room.

You understand, of course, that loneliness is not a problem for me. I respect my mother very much for the sacrifices she has made. She helps sick children, as I want to do someday. As long as I have a good book to read, I am never truly alone. I wish that Mako would read more, so that she wouldn't be lonely. She doesn't think we notice, and maybe the others do not, but I am very observant. I can see the pain in her eyes when we leave her. Maybe it would help for me to spend more time there, especially when mother has to work late. She is such a good friend, I think my very best friend. I don't want to see her hurting and company is always good. One should not try to distract oneself with things like cooking or martial arts to obscure deeper feelings of loneliness.

Mako is really a very admirable person. I have so much respect for her. She is so strong and kind. Her cooking is simply divine. And she is so very beautiful. I am not unhappy with my own appearance, though truly I rarely think too much about it. Such things are only skin deep, as they say. But, how can anyone fail to notice the way her hair reflects the sunlight, or how the pink bow she wears sets off her emerald eyes and adds just the lightest sparkle to them. Her arms are so lean and strong, just made to wrap themselves around someone and hold me tight. I am really lucky to have her as a friend. Perhaps I can do something nice for her to show her how I feel about her.

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