Diaries: Rei

By Desslok


My friends don't understand. I doubt they ever will. They visit the shrine; they help with things; sometimes they even join me in prayers or mediations, but they don't see the world that I see.

The kami are all around us, all of the time. When I focus properly, when I hone my mind and spirit and lose myself in the world, I see them. During a rainstorm, Ami could explain about the collision of high and low pressure systems and the saturation point of air at different temperatures. Makoto could describe the power and feel of the lightning and the thunder. Minako could spout misquoted poems about the beauty of the rain and Usagi could whine about getting wet. None of them can see the thousands upon thousands of small water sprites happily diving from their home in the clouds to make a new life on the ground in the rivers and streams. If I seem distracted at times, it is because the world sings to me in a voice few others can hear.

This is one of the reasons I always feel out of step with my friends. It is not fair of me to take that feeling out on Usagi, but I often do, if only because I know that she can take it, that she understands, even if she doesn't realize that she understands. I don't share their uniform, their school, or their world really. Mamoru understands, but I think it hurts Usagi to know how close he and I are. She knows how much he loves her, but I don't know if she understands how very much he respects her. Still, he is set apart from the rest of us by his age and his gender. Ami understands as well. She and I are so dissimilar in so many ways. She is grounded in the real world, the world of science and knowledge and practicality. I live in a world that she has only glimpsed in passing, from the corner of her eye. But, though we look in through different windows, we both stand apart and that gives us something very important in common.

Lately, I've begun to suspect that perhaps Ami and I have more in common that we'd both realized. I see the shimmerings in her aura and the feelings flittering through her eyes as we sit in our meetings. It is my job to understand people, to ascertain their problems and concerns in a glance. Ami is in love. It is so easy for me to see visions related to others, so hard to see them for myself. The flame brought me an image of the delicate red cord that binds Ami to her beloved. Her feelings will be returned and I am happy for her. She deserves to be loved and cared for. Unfortunately, I cannot see the cord wrapped around myself. I do not know if it leads to the one who haunts my dreams. I will just have to wait and see where life takes me. There is time. We have all the time in the world.

I used to worry about being the leader. I used to believe that my purity, my insight, my strength of will and character had earned me the right to that title. Now, I know differently. Usagi leads us in one sense. We would all die for her. We all have. Her innocence and love surpass anything you could ever imagine. They will remake the entire world in time.

I think it is because she is so full of love for everything and everyone that it is so easy to love her in return. We all do. I know that some suspect that I have deeper feelings for her. Perhaps I do, but if so, no more than all of us do. You cannot swear your body, your life, your very soul to someone and then deny them your love or your caress. If she asked it, any of us would gladly fall into her arms and lie there for all eternity. But, in doing so, she would hurt those not asked and thus, she never will. We all deal with it in different ways. Haruka flirts with her outrageously, or at least she did before she began to fear it might hurt Michiru. Makoto mothers her. Minako treats her like a twin sister. Ami instructs her. I bicker with her. And she responds perfectly to each of us in turn. She is truly amazing, our princess, our queen.

Minako is also our leader. In many ways, she is a combination of all of our best traits. She can love as purely as Usagi. She can be as strong as Makoto, as clever in battle as Ami, and matches me in terms of will and determination.

I remember once when Mina decided she wanted to visit my school. She made things...interesting, as did an evil spirit there. Some time after that incident, I meditated deeply on her. The most renowned artist could not do the vision justice. Nymphs and fairies surround her at all times, scattering rose petals at her feet and pixie dust in her hair. The kami have truly blessed her, for she is indeed the goddess of love and beauty. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever known and I can still taste her skin on my lips from that afternoon. Where she walks, flowers and sunbeams sing in praise and glory.

I wish she could see herself as the world sees her, as I see her. The only thing I do not see when I look at her is a knot of red. I can think of only two explanations for this. I hope that the happier one is right, but only time will tell. We have all the time in the world, after all.

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