Dear Taichi,
I'm writing this at 3 AM by flashlight, and to tell the truth my hand is shaking so hard that I don't know if you'll be able to read it. I just wanted to tell you the real reason I yelled at you when you confessed.
The first time you told me, I didn't know what to do.
It was just so different from anything I've ever experienced. The only person whom I've ever truly loved that returned my feelings was my little brother, and that was a very different kind of love from the one you pledged. You reached out and took my gloved hands in your own beneath the moonlight and kissed me so quickly that I had neither the time to think nor kiss back.
And I wanted to kiss back, despite the way I reacted.
I pushed you away, and watched every earth-shattering moment as that ever-genki light faded from your chocolate eyes. You apologized desperately, blinking rapidly, but the darkness could not hide the tears that formed in those deep orbs.
I didn't mean it, Tai. I didn't mean any of the hurtful words I said. I've always done that, haven't I? Said the most horrible things when all I really ever wanted was to be able to say the things that lurk in my heart. It's like my vocal chords are mismatched; I think one thing and say another. That's it. God simply put the wrong set of vocal chords with the wrong heart. I should just walk on down to the hospital and demand a new set. I'm sure they've got thing like that just lying around!
Listen to me, Tai, I'm hysterical. If only my problems could be solved so easily.
Tai, all I've ever wanted was someone to understand me. Sure, Dad takes care of me, and Takeru looks up to me, and Mom...well, Mom at least seems rather neutral whenever I see her; I don't think she hates me...but none of them have ever tried to understand me, the real me. I've always been able to keep my feelings well guarded, but whenever I'm with you I always seem to slip up. In the weeks that followed my parent's divorce, I vowed that I would never cry in front of anyone ever again, because Dad asked me to be strong for him. I've broken that vow only once, Tai, and that was in front of you. You're the only one who's ever seen that me I keep locked away. You're the only one who has known what my heart feels. And that's what scared me, I think.
Standing there, that night, our hands clasped together, you whispered things that matched my very soul.
And it did scare me, Tai! I've never been that scared in my life! For the briefest of moments I almost thought you were mocking me! That notion was gone the instant you kissed me, but the implications of it still remained. No one has ever been that in love with me, Tai, and I had convinced myself that no one ever could be. I didn't believe you, at first.
But then, after you disappeared into the depth of the night, I sat and cried.
Because I realized you were telling the truth, I knew that I had ruined us the same way I ruin everything.
I know this letter can't really make up for what I've done, but I wrote it anyway. I just wanted to tell you, Tai, that you and your feelings are not the reason I got angry. I just wanted to tell you that your soul only echoes mine. I just wanted to tell you that I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I always have, Tai, and I'll never stop. Kiss me again, if you want. I won't blame you if you don't, but if you're willing to forgive me and you do, I won't push away this time.
Dear Yamato,
I...
I'm speechless, Yamato. I'm actually speechless! You letter, your words, your feelings, I'm just speechless! I've read your letter over and over again, and not the words are smeared from my fingertips and tears.
Tears, Yamato. You made me cry. Made me weep with joy. I can't express what I'm feeling right now at all.
I forgive you, Yamato. How could ever think I would feel any other way?
And don't be afraid of me. I would never, EVER hurt you. I would kill anyone who ever tried. Of course I'll kiss you again, but only if you want me to.
I love you, Yamato. I'm not sure when I first did. Maybe I always have.
Love,
Dear Taichi,
Our first date was better than I expected. Candle-light dinner? A walk in the park? A kiss beneath the stars? I didn't know you had such a romantic side, Taichi. I suppose I'll be learning a lot more things about you now. I really wouldn't want it any other way.
I just...
Taichi, I've never been so happy. I'm so afraid it's all going to end.
Yours Truly,
Dear Yamato,
Why are you afraid? I told you I would never hurt you. It will never end, Matt, unless you want it to. Love doesn't just go bad, Yamato. Not a love like this.
Whenever I'm with you, I feel like every little bit of myself is okay, like everything about me is good. Like I could do no wrong. Like every little piece of my soul is in perfect harmony with every little piece of yours. I never want to lose that completion, that ecstasy, that beauty I feel with you.
Love always,
Dear Taichi,
Two months. we've been together two months now.
That's longer than any relationship I've ever had before.
I don't know, I feel...
I feel warm, Taichi, warm when I'm with you. But whenever we're apart, I feel cold again, because I can't stop feeling it'll end eventually.
I'm almost sure it will.
Sincerely,
Dear Yamato,
I will never leave you.
Please believe me.
I will always love you.
Love Forever,
Dear Taichi,
I'm sorry. It's been six months now.
I'm really very silly, aren't I?
Yours Truly,
Dear Yamato,
Yes, you are very silly. Don't think I'd ever stop loving you for an instant, Ishida.
Love,
Dear Taichi,
Nine months now. I can't believe the way I've been acting. I'm sorry I yelled at you, Taichi. I didn't mean to. I've been kind of high-strung lately, I guess.
Sincerely,
Dear Yamato,
Don't worry, I've gotten used to your outbursts by now.
I was wondering the other day....why do you always sign your letters "Sincerely" or "Yours Truly"?
Yours Forever,
Dear Taichi,
I'm sorry I didn't answer your last letter. I never even received it, to tell the truth.
We just passed our eleventh month anniversary last week. I can't believe it's already been this long.
Yours Truly,
Dear Yamato,
I wouldn't worry about the letter. It wasn't important anyway.
In two week's it'll be one year. Can you believe it? I still love you more than ever.
Love always,
Dear Taichi,
We made love for the first time last night.
Something wasn't right, Taichi. It was pleasant and warm, and I felt safe and happy within your embrace, but something just wasn't right.
I'm still afraid, Tai. Even though we've been together for over a year now, I still am afraid something will go wrong. After all, my parents were married a long time, weren't they? Then one day, Dad just left. Just walked right out.
I'm afraid that will happen to us.
That's why I've pulled away when you've kissed me, that's why I was reluctant to spend the night.
I'm sorry.
Sincerely,
Dear Yamato,
You seem to run away from all of my affection, Yamato. I've told you before, not to be afraid.
You lied about that letter, didn't you Yamato? You received it, you just didn't want to answer my question. Why?
Love,
Dear Taichi,
I'm sorry.
I don't deserve you. You need someone who is not afraid of your warmth.
Yours Truly,
Dear Yamato,
How dare you say such a thing! What do you mean you don't deserve me! Of course you do! I'm the one who doesn't deserve you! I love you, Yamato, and nothing will ever change that! Sure, your parents marriage didn't work out, but that happens sometimes. It doesn't mean it's going to happen with us. I love you, Yamato, I love you! Doesn't that mean anything to you?
Yours Forever,
Dear Taichi,
I'm leaving, Taichi. Don't try to stop me. As soon as we graduate next week, I'll be gone. And then I won't be around to hurt you anymore.
Sincerely,
Dear Yamato,
I won't stop you, Yamato. I know that you're not happy with me. I'm sorry I couldn't be everything you needed.
I'll always love you.
Love,
Dear Yamato,
It's been a month since you left. Where are you now, I wonder?
I can't stop crying, Yamato. I miss you so much. Everyone thinks that I'm depressed about school and our childhoods ending. Mom and Dad started suggesting therapy, so I got an apartment on the other side of town. Kari-chan comes to visit me sometimes, but other than that, I'm very lonely.
You left a shirt in my room once, Yamato. Right before you left. I still have it. It still smells like you. I bury my face in it and weep at night.
Oh, Yamato, you're coming back, right?
Right?
Love you forever,
Dear Yamato,
It's been six months now since you left.
I miss you more each day. It's feels like there's a gaping hole inside of me, and it's growing larger everyday.
It's getting harder to remember how you smell. I finally had to wash that shirt. I wish I had something else of yours to remember you by.
Are you thinking of me? Do you miss me, Yamato?
Are you going to come back?
Love,
Dear Yamato,
One year. One year since the sound of your voice, the smell of your hair, the feel of your lips.
Help me, Yamato. I can feel the memory of you slipping away.
Come back. Please come back.
Love always,
Dear Yamato,
Two years. Two years, and it's felt like five lifetimes.
What color were your eyes?
I remember that they were blue, but lately I can't tell if they were sky-blue or sea-blue. I chased down Takeru today, so that I could look at his. You two always did look so much alike. He's started dating Hikari, and they've been talking about marriage. They're seventeen, Yamato, and ready to start their lives.
Everyone has started their lives, it seems. Koushiro is the president of this internet company I can't remember the name of, Jyou is studying to become the doctor his father wanted, Sora is a professional soccer player, Mimi is a fashion designer in New York, but I...
Everyone has started their lives, except for me.
I'm lost in the past, Yamato. Lost within my fading memories of you.
Write me back, Yamato. You never receive any of my letters, but please write me back.
I still love you, Yamato. I never stopped.
Yours Forever,
Dear Yamato,
It's been almost four years since I last saw you.
Takeru and Hikari's wedding is in a month. I keep wondering if you'll be there.
I started college the other day, at Mom and Dad's insistance. I think I'm going to be an author, because you liked reading so much.
Maybe I'll write a book about you someday.
Maybe you'll read it someday.
Maybe you'll realize you loved me and come back someday.
Maybe I'll stop missing you someday.
Maybe...
Love,
Dear Yamato,
Six years.
Where are you, Yamato. Why won't you come back?
Takeru and Hikari often call and ask if I've heard anything about you. They are having twins in June. Those babies need their uncle.
Your father had a heart attack last week. He's going to be alright, but he's in the hospital. He needs his son.
My grades are bombing. I thought about killing myself the other day. I need my friend.
Come back, Yamato.
Love forever,
Dear Yamato,
I'm sorry. I can't do it anymore. Don't hate me for being a coward, Yamato.
Good-bye.
Sincerely,
Taichi.
Forgive me, Taichi.
Takeru got ahold of me. I don't know how, but he did.
He told me about your attempted suicide.
Is because of me, isn't it? I'm sorry, Taichi.
I had to go, I hope you understand it. I had to leave. I said that I was afraid of us falling apart, but that wasn't true. Along my travel, my sojourn, my journey, I discovered that the thing I was truly afraid of was myself. That's where I've been all these years. I've been trying to find the myself I could love.
When Takeru told me about your near-brush with death, I discovered the me I loved was the me that loved you.
I've come back, Taichi, just like you begged me. Takeru showed me your letters.
I'm sorry, Taichi. I'm so sorry.
I wept when I read them. I haven't wept since the night you confessed your feelings. Have I ruined things again, Taichi? I always seem to ruin things.
Yours Truly,
Dear Yamato,
Still "Yours Truly" is it?
I won't write very much, because my wrists are sore and I'm tired.
Don't be sorry, Yamato. I pushed you. You weren't ready. I'm the one who should be sorry.
Why don't you stop by sometime. We can be friends again, like the old times.
We can start over and do it right. We'll go your speed this time.
Love Always,
Dear Taichi,
I want nothing else than to start again. And any speed is fine by me.
I'm not afraid anymore, Taichi.
I've found myself, and it exists with you.
Love forever and always,
P.S.-- I think you'll be a great author.
~owari~
Yagami Taichi
Ishida Yamato
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Yagami Taichi
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Ishida Yamato