SCENE: The Tendo house. RANMA and GENMA are eating like pigs
would if they had hands (and a lack of manners). AKANE and
RANMA are discreetly eyeing each other, noticed by no one
but the people who are in the room. KASUMI and NODOKA are
serving a new course. SOUN is being cheated out of money by
NABIKI.

TOFU enters.

TOFU: Hello.

NODOKA: What an uninspired entrance.

TOFU: Blame the damn author - he wants to tell this joke,
and doesn't have the inclination to write out a decent
entrance.

NODOKA: Oh.

AKANE: Is that why you're not flipping out with Kasumi in
the room?

TOFU: No - that's because I lost interest in Kasumi after
Mousse and I admitted our true feelings and started shacking
up together.

RANMA: Ha! I knew it! You owe me a hundred yen, Pop!

SOUN: What brings you by, Doctor?

TOFU: I got the results of Akane's blood tests back.

AKANE: YOU HAD BLOOD TESTS DONE WITHOUT TELLING ME?!?

SOUN: I wanted to be sure you and Ranma were compatible!
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!

AKANE: You aren't getting off *that* easy!

TOFU: It doesn't matter - you can't get married to Ranma.

RANMA & AKANE: NANI?!?

TOFU: According to these tests, Akane has a very rare blood
type. In fact, the only other person with this blood type is
Genma Saotome.

AKANE: *GENMA'S* my *FATHER*?!?

NODOKA: GENMA!!

GENMA: Don't blame me! Going to that mate-swapping party was
*your* idea!

(KASUMI faints in a ladylike fashion.)

(AKANE is dressed in a white robe, a tanto at her stomach.)

RANMA: Give me that! (pulls on tanto)

AKANE: I have the blood of Genma Saotome in me! I don't
deserve to live!

RANMA: I understand that! I sympathize! Believe me, not a
day passes that the same horrible thought doesn't make me
sick to my stomach! But it's an affliction I've learned to
live with!

GENMA: Gee, thanks for the ego-boost.

RANMA: Quiet, you. (turns to Akane) But look on the bright
side - they can't force us to marry!

(AKANE hits RANMA with a mallet)

RANMA: OW! What was *that* for?!?

AKANE: I *want* to marry you, you jerk!

RANMA (shocked): You do?!?

AKANE: Of course! Who else can I express my sadomasochistic
heterosexual tendencies with while allowing my nurturing
lesbian side to run loose?

RANMA: Oh Akane!

AKANE: Oh Ranma!

NABIKI: Oh my stomach!

GENMA: Waaaahhhhh!! My children want to become rednecks!

NODOKA: That's allright, children! You can still marry!
*Without* having to live in a trailer park in West Virginia!

RANMA & AKANE: We can?!? How?!?

NODOKA: Genma is not Ranma's father!!

GENMA: NANI!?!

RANMA: You mean Ryoga's father is my father?

NODOKA: No - that's in another story entirely. Please try to
keep up, dear.

RANMA: Sorry.

NODOKA: I wanted my son to be a manly man - a paragon of
manhood - as unlike Genma as possible -

GENMA: That's right - take another punch at my self-worth.

NODOKA: Shut up, dear. SoI found the most virile, manly man
I could to impregnate me, and we spent three days in a cheap
motel.

RANMA: So who *is* my real father??

(HAPPOSAI bounces in.)

HAPPOSAI (to Ranma): SON!!

AKANE: Ranma! Give me the tanto!

RANMA: I can't be allowed to breed!

(RANMA runs out of the room; AKANE pursues)

NABIKI: What are they so excited about?

HAPPOSAI: Who knows? Wanna go upstairs to my room, little
girl? I'll give you a shiny yen piece.

NABIKI: Okay.