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Ranma 1/2: Happosai and Gosunkugi - A Lemon Story
By Jack Staik
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Gosunkugi lurked outside the Tendo Dojo, staring through a
powerful telephoto lens at Akane Tendo's bedroom. Cute,
rich, smart, enjoys beating up bullies ... what wasn't there
to love?

Of course, there were a few minor obstacles (not least of
which was he couldn't bring himself to say a whole sentence
to her face).

A cry came from the street behind him! "Mister Customer! No!
You make bad mistake!"

"Get lost, jerk!" Happosai cried. "This is my big chance!"

Gosunkugi turned to stare at the overweight Chinese man in
the Mao suit chasing the wizened pervert. The old man had a
huge jug with him, holding it protectively as he hopped down
the street.

"Not let you use Jusenkyo water!" the Chinese man yelled,
gasping as he tried to catch Happosai.

Happosai suddenly turned, hopping backwards and off the
Chinese man's head. The Chinese man was slammed face first
Into the pavement.

"You may be the big-noise Guide to Jusenkyo, but here in
Nerima, you ain't squat!" Happosai taunted. "With this water
from the Spring of the Drowned Slut, all I have to do is
splash Ranma-chan and Akane - and any other girl I fancy -
and I have myself a real party!"

<WHAT?? I have to get that water and save Akane!>

Gosunkugi, selfless and without thought of using the cursed
water himself to get Akane (ha ha, yeah, right), charged
forward, hoping to blindside the old man.

In vain. Happosai twisted aside, avoiding the hurling
teenage weirdo.

But the huge jug accidentally slammed into Gosunkugi's head.

Happosai cried out as the jug was torn out of his hands, and
cried again when it shattered on impact with the sidewalk,
drenching Gosunkugi in the waters.

Then he just stared.

"What the boiling green fuck is THAT?!?" he exclaimed.

"Tried to tell you, Mister Customer," the Jusenkyo Guide
moaned. "You got wrong spring. You got water from
Nissaniichuan instead."

"From WHAT??"

"Spring where I accidentally drowned my brand new Nissan
Pathfinder last year. Very tragic story - lost great car,"
he moaned. "Now everything that fall into spring becomes
Nissan Pathfinder."

Happosai looked at the Guide. "You're kidding."

"Look!" the Guide cried, gesturing at the vehicle that was
formerly a Japanese schoolboy.

"Well," Happosai mused. "I always wanted a car."

With a maniacal giggle, the elderly Master hopped into the
driver's seat and turned the key.

The car made rattling and squeaking noises, then with a very
biological noise, emitted a noxious cloud of black smoke.

"Damn!" Happosai cried, "It's a lemon!"

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DISCLAIMER: Nisaniichuan is the creation of the fanfic
writer called RPM, and is used without permission.

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Acknowledgements

I'd like to thank everyone who was deeply offended by my
story, and took the trouble to write to me. Your moans of
torment make this little hobby worthwhile.

I also like to thank my fiancee Jillian Parks, aka Lady
Tesser, who came up with the idea in the first place.

Thanks, Beloved.