
DISCLAIMER: I didn't do it! It was someone else! I'm
innocent! *In the name of God, Montressor!!*

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Babysitter's Blues Part 6
(Section 1 of the Project: Voyager trilogy)
by Jack Staik

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THUD! "OW!!" a feminine voice exclaimed.

"Watch your head." Neelix said helpfully.

"I'll watch what I damn well please!" she replied.

Grumbling, the petite red-headed Ensign crawled out from the
access panel in the Mess Hall kitchen. Yet another attempt
to capture Lieutenant Carey - currently in the form of an
eight-legged Krellian tree frog - had ended in dismal
failure. Ever since the ship's transformation, Carey had
been running about in the various ducts, tubes, and conduits
that form a large spacecraft. The mobility of a Krellian
tree-frog (able to adhere to walls and ceilings) made the
job tougher.

"No luck, huh?" Neelix said sympathetically.

Lina looked at the Talaxian, with his sympathetic clown face
and his slate-gray jumpsuit, and dearly wished that she was
allowed to carry a phaser. But even back with the Maquis in
the Alpha Quadrant, she wasn't allowed to carry weapons.
(Not after a minor incident involving the use of a mini-
photon warhead in a barroom brawl - it was the other
bastard's fault anyways) So she'd have to take it out on the
poor schmoe in some other fashion.

"No," the tiny woman said in a low, psychotic voice. "No
luck at all. Except for Carey, who has been regressed
several hundred rungs on the evolutionary ladder and is
doing just fine thank you." She advanced on the poor
Talaxian, who backed up into some hanging pots. "Not to
mention the lucky audience members who can watch on
'Briefings with Neelix' all about how Lina Inverse the
Weaponless Wonder has been outsmarted by a TREE-FROG!!"

Neelix crashed onto the floor, several dozen pots and pans
followed him in a cacophony of crashing metal. Satisfied
with the chaos, Ensign Inverse headed to her quarters for a
long, hot bath.

Lina passed that cute Ensign Kim in the corridor, carrying
what appeared to be a live sheep. She had dated him once,
but after eating with her, there hadn't been a follow-up (it
was his own fault - if he'd moved a bit quicker when she was
getting her fifth helping of cassarole the Doctor wouldn't
have had to re-attach his finger). She would have normally
just nodded and went on by, but she felt sociable just then
(invoking mortal terror did that for her), and she was
curious.

"Hiya, Harry," she said in her sweet-girl voice. "Where'd
you get the mutton?"

"Uh - hi, Lina." Harry replied, somewhat distractedly, as
holding a twenty-five kilo sheep is rather difficult, even
when it's been mildly tranquilized. "The 'mutton' is
Commander Chakotay. I'm taking him to a holding cell."

"My brilliant detective skills say the prime suspect is Q."

Harry looked at her. "Ha ha." he said sarcastically. "You're
a riot. The funniest thing since the invention of the warp
core breach."

"Well, at least we've got him this time. I've been on frog
detail for two days."

"Bridge duty hasn't been a bed of roses lately, either."

Lina was thoughtful for a second. "Y'know, Harry, I've been
thinking of transferring from Security to Ops. Think I could
wrangle a Bridge slot - Communications, mebbe?"

Harry snorted. "Yeah, that would be great - the Lina Inverse
temper in charge of Communications."

Lina grabbed the scruff of Harry's neck (causing him to drop
Chakotay) and yanked upwards. "I DO NOT HAVE A TEMPER!!" she
pointed out.

While Lina pointed out other things into Harry's ear, mainly
theories concerning his ancestors and personal habits, the
XO-turned-sheep, still under the influence of mild
soporifics, staggered away.

After about ten minutes of discussion, Lina's hand got tired
and she released Harry, who crashed to the floor. Looking
around dazed, he asked, "Where's Chakotay?"

Lina looked around. "Oh dear." Then she glared at Kim. "You
know this is all YOUR fault."


The Doctor entered the Captain's Office, carrying his
medical reports. He noticed one thing right off - young Q,
sitting in a corner with his face against a wall.

He approached the desk. "Captain?" he glanced over at the
corner.

The Captain's gaze followed the hologram's. Her shoulders
shrugged. "It's the only way he'll learn."

The Doctor handed over his reports. "You'll be pleased to
find that brawls are down to their usual levels - that is,
the ones caused by Lieutenant Torres, Ensign Inverse, et
cetera."

"Good, good," Janeway replied distractedly.

"I've brought Tuvok's hormones down to normal, and he's
regained his normal lucidity. He's expressed regrets, and
wishes to apologise to you personally. His injuries should
be healed in about two days."

"Good. I'll be down in Sick Bay in about - " she glanced at
her charge. " - about three or four hours."

The Doctor leaned closer. "May I ask how you brought the
little monster under control?"

"I heard that, you blob of incoherent photons!" Q said.

"Q!" Janeway snapped.

"He started it!"

She sighed. "Luckily, he can't actually affect me. So I just
used the same techniques I used on my nephews when I baby-
sat them."

"What about the ship?"

"I'm getting him to study the information in Seven's Borg
data modules concerning Intrepid-class starships. He should
be able to restore Voyager in a few days."

"But what about *this*?" He gestured at the dinner-plate-
sized disc on his chest, with small indicators blinking on
it. Much larger than his original mobile emitter, the device
was still centuries beyond current Federation science.

Janeway shrugged. "We'll do what we can, Doctor."

The Doctor was not at all comforted by that statement.

<Wheee-oooop> the intercom sounded.

"Janeway here." Then she caught herself and hit the control.
"Janeway here." she repeated.

"Um - Ensign Kim here, Captain. Chakotay's - well, he's
escaped-"

"WHAT?!" she exclaimed. "How can a drugged sheep escape from
a Starfleet officer, Mister Kim?"

Ensign Kim's reply was not very coherent.


As Seven worked at the Engineering Console, she noted Naomi
Wildman nearby. A more objective observer might have said
that Naomi was lurking.

Naomi looked with all the loathing a little girl can muster
at her rival.

She had a boyfriend - a real boyfriend - for the first time
in her young life, and this top-heavy hussy (she found the
word in the computer thesarus) came along and stole him by
wiggling her cyber-enhanced carcass at him. Now he was in
trouble because of *HER*. And she didn't even want him!

To regain her boyfriend (the fact he didn't know he was her
boyfriend was immaterial), Seven must be removed from
consideration.

Dark plans began to form.

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To be continued
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